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My heart aches badly after my narcissist ex left me, I need your advice and words of wisdom


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Guest Anonymous

Hello again,

Some of you might have read my story a few days back. I invested 8 years of my life in a LDR and gave all of me to my ex who at first I didn't even know was a narcissist. After reading a lot about his behavior and how it makes me feel, I realized later on that he is narcissist.

Although sometimes I can't believe that he is a narcissist because we did have happy moments, funny moments, he was helpful to me and to my business with my sister because it's based in his country, he introduced me to his family, friends and even coworkers, he proposed, he was serious about getting married to me, although we broke up 2-3 times before this time because of distance and waiting for too long due to my situation at that time I had an issue with my residency and couldn't move to him and get married this is also one of the reasons why we had to wait for a longer time until we take the step to get married.

But at the same time, I tell myself he was the one always breaking up and coming back later saying how much he regrets it and he still loves me madly and wants us. I mean although he waited for me, but it also feels like he didn't wait for me wholeheartedly or steadily as he was the one always complaining and fighting and breaking up every time he is fed up so the relationship was damaged a lot because of that. It felt like when he is bored and seems like my issue will take longer he holds grudge and fights over trivial stuff then breaks up. So I don't really know now if he REALLY did wait for me or what exactly was his feelings towards me. I'm sorry I'm ranting but I'm just lost and in a shock.

Yesterday I had a huge setback. I didn't know that deep inside me I still had hope that we will be back together some time, but yesterday he texted my sister regarding our business then they talked on the phone. He mentioned to her that he is leaving his old job and found a big offer at a big company and he will be moving between his country and Europe. I felt shattered. It's not like I wish him ill, but seeing him excited about this opportunity like his life is getting better after me, like I was making his life worse and now doors are opening, like he didn't do anything to me or broke us and my family are all sad for me and to see me crying and broken the whole time? wow how could he?

He also mentioned to my sister that what shall he do with my stuff at his apartment. That broke me even more, like now he wanna get rid of my stuff. Before I told my sister that if he asked tell him to send it via DHL or give it to the poor people. And she told him, but he said no no I will send it via DHL I will inform you when I ask them. Later when she told me what happened, I told her to text him and tell him that I don't want anything and to just donate my stuff to homeless people. Then he said okay I will do it on behalf of her. That's all.

I feel so betrayed, so back-stabbed, so left behind, so worthless, seeing him so confident and living his best life makes me feel guilty like I made the relationship fail and I was the pain in the a**, not even one word from him after he asked for time and went silent and broke up without even letting me know, NOT A WORD. It makes me wonder who was I with? How is it easy to get back to life like nothing happened I'll go nuts here I can't sleep or eat well or work or do anything. I had so many plans and dreams related to him (my mistake) and now I feel so empty and lost as where to start what to do. Even out business was related on him because we no don't know or trust anyone there... 

I need some light. I hate that he thinks I'm dead now and he is right he knows I hated my job, bored of life here, always at home with family, no friends at all, he knows it all and being silent and not showing that I have a life and I'm alive is just killing me. He doesn't have real accounts on social media always fake accounts just to keep up with the news on twitter for example  or to stalk me before and check my instagram.. etc, but I don't even know if he will check me out now as it seems he is moving on for real now because the breakup was more serious as families were involved. I can't stop thinking how much I want him to regret and come back and I reject him I can't help it. I can't stop thinking that he will see a new life in Europe now and meet new girls.

Does being dumped by a narcissist ex feel much worse than if the ex was a normal person? 

I really am lost and feel so weak..

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1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

It makes me wonder who was I with? How is it easy to get back to life like nothing happened I'll go nuts here I can't sleep or eat well or work or do anything.

Think you answered yourself

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

After reading a lot about his behavior and how it makes me feel, I realized later on that he is narcissist.

If he is a narcissist(some people, especially the ones that dump you, just get over stuff quicker) you are dealing with the dissorder where they literally bend their thinking how they are not wrong because they cant be bad guys. Its how their brain is wired. 

So be glad you escaped that. 

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He has moved on.

I know that hurts to hear, but hopefully it will give you closure so you can move on too.

You need to block him from all social media, block his number, have your sister go no contact as well.

End all communications.

There is no point is making yourself suffer watching his life from afar hoping he will return, even if you just want to reject him so he feels pain.

You need to move past that all, and close him out of your life for good.

You're going through a mourning period where you will feel similar feelings to actually losing someone through death.

But you can get through this and heal and eventually move on completely.

You just need to give yourself time and to block him completely so you can move on.

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Guest Anonymous
1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Does being dumped by a narcissist ex feel much worse than if the ex was a normal person? 

Why were you in an LDR? Why would you pursue something for 8 years with someone "abnormal"?

Forget googling "narcissist". Every bitter peron's ex is a narcissist. 

Focus on moving forward and not making the same mistakes.

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4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Hello again,

Some of you might have read my story a few days back. I invested 8 years of my life in a LDR and gave all of me to my ex who at first I didn't even know was a narcissist. After reading a lot about his behavior and how it makes me feel, I realized later on that he is narcissist.

Although sometimes I can't believe that he is a narcissist because we did have happy moments, funny moments, he was helpful to me and to my business with my sister because it's based in his country, he introduced me to his family, friends and even coworkers, he proposed, he was serious about getting married to me, although we broke up 2-3 times before this time because of distance and waiting for too long due to my situation at that time I had an issue with my residency and couldn't move to him and get married this is also one of the reasons why we had to wait for a longer time until we take the step to get married.

But at the same time, I tell myself he was the one always breaking up and coming back later saying how much he regrets it and he still loves me madly and wants us. I mean although he waited for me, but it also feels like he didn't wait for me wholeheartedly or steadily as he was the one always complaining and fighting and breaking up every time he is fed up so the relationship was damaged a lot because of that. It felt like when he is bored and seems like my issue will take longer he holds grudge and fights over trivial stuff then breaks up. So I don't really know now if he REALLY did wait for me or what exactly was his feelings towards me. I'm sorry I'm ranting but I'm just lost and in a shock.

Yesterday I had a huge setback. I didn't know that deep inside me I still had hope that we will be back together some time, but yesterday he texted my sister regarding our business then they talked on the phone. He mentioned to her that he is leaving his old job and found a big offer at a big company and he will be moving between his country and Europe. I felt shattered. It's not like I wish him ill, but seeing him excited about this opportunity like his life is getting better after me, like I was making his life worse and now doors are opening, like he didn't do anything to me or broke us and my family are all sad for me and to see me crying and broken the whole time? wow how could he?

He also mentioned to my sister that what shall he do with my stuff at his apartment. That broke me even more, like now he wanna get rid of my stuff. Before I told my sister that if he asked tell him to send it via DHL or give it to the poor people. And she told him, but he said no no I will send it via DHL I will inform you when I ask them. Later when she told me what happened, I told her to text him and tell him that I don't want anything and to just donate my stuff to homeless people. Then he said okay I will do it on behalf of her. That's all.

I feel so betrayed, so back-stabbed, so left behind, so worthless, seeing him so confident and living his best life makes me feel guilty like I made the relationship fail and I was the pain in the a**, not even one word from him after he asked for time and went silent and broke up without even letting me know, NOT A WORD. It makes me wonder who was I with? How is it easy to get back to life like nothing happened I'll go nuts here I can't sleep or eat well or work or do anything. I had so many plans and dreams related to him (my mistake) and now I feel so empty and lost as where to start what to do. Even out business was related on him because we no don't know or trust anyone there... 

I need some light. I hate that he thinks I'm dead now and he is right he knows I hated my job, bored of life here, always at home with family, no friends at all, he knows it all and being silent and not showing that I have a life and I'm alive is just killing me. He doesn't have real accounts on social media always fake accounts just to keep up with the news on twitter for example  or to stalk me before and check my instagram.. etc, but I don't even know if he will check me out now as it seems he is moving on for real now because the breakup was more serious as families were involved. I can't stop thinking how much I want him to regret and come back and I reject him I can't help it. I can't stop thinking that he will see a new life in Europe now and meet new girls.

Does being dumped by a narcissist ex feel much worse than if the ex was a normal person? 

I really am lost and feel so weak..

This was on off with disagreements. He seems like he wasn’t very committed to this. Things also didn’t work out with your move for marriage and I think you dodged a bullet. You’re still hurt so distance yourself. 

What’s going on with your job? Or social life or issues where you live? You have no purpose and are down and depressed because it seems you made this relationship the center of your universe. Don’t keep doing that with men and relationships. Partners sense that also and makes for unrealistic expectations. You have a lot to give but stay grounded too. 

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3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Think you answered yourself

If he is a narcissist(some people, especially the ones that dump you, just get over stuff quicker) you are dealing with the dissorder where they literally bend their thinking how they are not wrong because they cant be bad guys. Its how their brain is wired. 

So be glad you escaped that. 

That's true, before around 2 weeks he told my sister that he is tired and he lost his cheerfulness. He sees himself as the victim. What upsets me the most is he way he asked me for time to think and then ghosted me as he took the breakup decision alone and kept me hanging, until my sister asked him you need to tell your decision whatever it is because you asked for time it's not fair to do it alone there and then he was like maybe you're right, but I don't deserve this. Deserve what? I'm not even saying I'm the victim here, but is this how a mature man who was booking his ticket to come to propose and meet my family to get married would act? Like how is he the victim? No comment.

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3 minutes ago, Yostina said:

What upsets me the most is he way he asked me for time to think and then ghosted me as he took the breakup decision alone and kept me hanging. a mature man who was booking his ticket to come to propose and meet my family to get married would act? 

Sorry this happened.

Is this the same man?:

 

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3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

He has moved on.

I know that hurts to hear, but hopefully it will give you closure so you can move on too.

You need to block him from all social media, block his number, have your sister go no contact as well.

End all communications.

There is no point is making yourself suffer watching his life from afar hoping he will return, even if you just want to reject him so he feels pain.

You need to move past that all, and close him out of your life for good.

You're going through a mourning period where you will feel similar feelings to actually losing someone through death.

But you can get through this and heal and eventually move on completely.

You just need to give yourself time and to block him completely so you can move on.

I deleted him from everywhere and my sister is having the last conversation with him due to the business, but it was the last step and she will also go no contact as there won't be anything connected to him anymore. The thing is he didn't even block or delete me. Before 2 weeks when I blocked him, he told my sister "This is the last business step, tell your sister to block me from the group also :)". I already left the business group we had and blocked him at that time already so his comment was stupid and the smile, like trying to get on my nerves or what I don't know. Yet he still keeps me on his phone on purpose.

I'm trying my best. I joined the gym today, contacted old friends to meet up, have a plan to go out with my sister and her friends because I have zero friends so far I need to reconnect with the old ones and see if they are up. It's sooo difficult he was my everything and I hate it.

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4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Why were you in an LDR? Why would you pursue something for 8 years with someone "abnormal"?

Forget googling "narcissist". Every bitter peron's ex is a narcissist. 

Focus on moving forward and not making the same mistakes.

I didn't know he was really a narcissist and thought that things might change into better with time. We met in real life for 6 months first then we had to separate and I started my life from scratch in Europe and couldn't move easily due to the residency problems and all that so we had to wait. During that time the relationship was on and off with lots of arguments and insecurities mostly from his side. I guess he also thinks the grass is greener on the other side. The first time he broke up was after around 3 months of LD and he was like I got a new job and I wanna see my life in my country and he was really mean and hung up on my face even. Then came back asking for forgiveness a month later, but that was back in 2015 when we were younger maybe 27 or something.

 

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44 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This was on off with disagreements. He seems like he wasn’t very committed to this. Things also didn’t work out with your move for marriage and I think you dodged a bullet. You’re still hurt so distance yourself. 

What’s going on with your job? Or social life or issues where you live? You have no purpose and are down and depressed because it seems you made this relationship the center of your universe. Don’t keep doing that with men and relationships. Partners sense that also and makes for unrealistic expectations. You have a lot to give but stay grounded too. 

It's my mistake to make him the center of my life and as much as I was trying to change that, I was still going back to putting him on a pedestal. He was against my dreams and a very jealous type. He would breakup if he saw a like or a comment or any small meaningless thing on my social media accounts, they were all old friends I knew before him and nothing was wrong all were respectful, yet he made me delete all my social media which my dreams depended on. I was being patient with him until laterrrr on he agreed, but wanted my password and again made another issue and broke up for nothing. He was like choose me or your Instagram. So childish for a 30+ year old. I left him and then he came back again a month later. It was a cycle, but this times seems he won't come back it seems final. And that hurts me the most because after all I suffered he was the one who took the step and left me.

I work with something totally different at the moment due to lack of job opportunities and I hate my job I just wanna leave it and he knows it. Social life is dead where I live and I'm more of an introvert. Now I suffer from social anxiety since it's been a long time no socializing. I feel like a disaster and don't know where to start or how to organize my thoughts and plans.

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I actually can't stop blaming myself for the situation I'm in. I have low self-esteem, low self-confidence and never really knew how all that feels. When I give, I give my all and don't think of myself too much. I compromise a lot and forgive a lot. The moment I took him back when he called me names the N and the B word, then the moment I caught him sending his d*** photo to some por*star on snapchat, I screwed myself and gave him all the power to do whatever he wants because he knows I love him and will forgive him. And now he is acting all perfect like he did no sh*t before and he is the victim. This is all eating me up I feel so stepped on. How can I forgive myself for being so worthless and with zero self-respect?

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11 minutes ago, Yostina said:

he called me names the N and the B word, then the moment I caught him sending his d*** photo to some por*star on snapchat

You should have left at that point. It's time to examine your motives and issues, rather than armchair diagnosing him. Stop playing victim. You had ample opportunity to walk away much, much sooner.

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Yostina, you can stop that cycle of abuse and control. Don't let him have any power over you anymore. What he says or does no longer matters. Calling you names and trying to isolate you or control your friendships are completely unacceptable. You may be hurt that he left but in the larger picture what you lost was someone abusive and harmful. That's no real loss, is it? 

Keep working with your therapist and/or doctors and find help and support where you are. Tell your family members that you don't wish to hear about him and if your sister is still in communication ask her to help you organize disposal of your items if you don't need them anymore. Ask her not to relay any details or personal information about him. 

Start creating healthy boundaries for yourself and habits too. If you're feeling down about your job, look for other opportunities and spend your free time volunteering or engaged in other causes. Don't let yourself spiral out of control because you have nothing to do or are idle. 

In terms of not knowing how to start your thoughts and plans, write it down. Write down your hopes or goals for the future and start finding out more information about how you can achieve those dreams. It starts with an idea and then follow through with enough research and a plan. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I would spend less time trying to diagnose him with a medical condition (which only a medical professional can do after examining him) and more time exploring why you believe you "loved" a man who treated you so poorly. And why you ignored advice from your own family and decided you wanted to marry a man who called you awful names and was sending inappropriate pics to other women.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yostina, you can stop that cycle of abuse and control. Don't let him have any power over you anymore. What he says or does no longer matters. Calling you names and trying to isolate you or control your friendships are completely unacceptable. You may be hurt that he left but in the larger picture what you lost was someone abusive and harmful. That's no real loss, is it? 

Keep working with your therapist and/or doctors and find help and support where you are. Tell your family members that you don't wish to hear about him and if your sister is still in communication ask her to help you organize disposal of your items if you don't need them anymore. Ask her not to relay any details or personal information about him. 

Start creating healthy boundaries for yourself and habits too. If you're feeling down about your job, look for other opportunities and spend your free time volunteering or engaged in other causes. Don't let yourself spiral out of control because you have nothing to do or are idle. 

In terms of not knowing how to start your thoughts and plans, write it down. Write down your hopes or goals for the future and start finding out more information about how you can achieve those dreams. It starts with an idea and then follow through with enough research and a plan. 

Thank you Rose. I will do that. Writing down everything is going to be helpful because my brain is all over the place now. I have to be stronger I will keep pushing myself forward. 🙏

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57 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I would spend less time trying to diagnose him with a medical condition (which only a medical professional can do after examining him) and more time exploring why you believe you "loved" a man who treated you so poorly. And why you ignored advice from your own family and decided you wanted to marry a man who called you awful names and was sending inappropriate pics to other women.

So true. I guess I loved him for the wrong reasons. Fear of being alone, fear of insecurities out there if I breakup with him and then find no one and not even wanting to go all over the dating thing again because it really is so bad in this crazy time, and my age I’ll be 34 in 2 weeks and everyone around me facing trouble finding a good man so I was stuck just giving chances and wanting to believe he is good deep down and will be ok with time and will get used to each other. I lived in my own hopes and dreams and although he is the most awful person I met, I did myself wrong and I know it. I just want to forgive myself and get done with this guilt I have against myself and how I allowed him to even belittle my family and mom when she talked to him while he was being manipulative but he was already done with the relationship but kept us hanging. Just awful.

I will just stop focusing on him and work on me only. I just hope life shows him how awful he is and what he deserves. 

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Just resolve to never treat yourself poorly going forward.

Being married to an awful man is much, much worse than being "alone". 

And I'm "alone" and nothing catastrophic has happened to me. So I assure you, there's nothing to "fear".

Plus, now that you're free of this awful man you can actually be able to meet a decent man. So there's that to be grateful for.

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55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Just resolve to never treat yourself poorly going forward.

Being married to an awful man is much, much worse than being "alone". 

And I'm "alone" and nothing catastrophic has happened to me. So I assure you, there's nothing to "fear".

Plus, now that you're free of this awful man you can actually be able to meet a decent man. So there's that to be grateful for.

Absolutely agree. I really appreciate your words, soothing to hear. I promise to do better. Thank you so much🙏

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10 hours ago, Yostina said:

I deleted him from everywhere and my sister is having the last conversation with him due to the business, but it was the last step and she will also go no contact as there won't be anything connected to him anymore. The thing is he didn't even block or delete me. Before 2 weeks when I blocked him, he told my sister "This is the last business step, tell your sister to block me from the group also :)". I already left the business group we had and blocked him at that time already so his comment was stupid and the smile, like trying to get on my nerves or what I don't know. Yet he still keeps me on his phone on purpose.

I'm trying my best. I joined the gym today, contacted old friends to meet up, have a plan to go out with my sister and her friends because I have zero friends so far I need to reconnect with the old ones and see if they are up. It's sooo difficult he was my everything and I hate it.

It's going to be hard. I had a similar experience with my ex husband of 8 years. He just decided he wanted to run around and no longer have a wife.

He made me feel just as horrible as this man is making you feel.

Don't give him that power!

He doesn't deserve your loyalty, or love, or interest any longer.

I know it's going to be hard, but honestly, you can do this. Believe me, you can.

You don't need him, he doesn't deserve you.

In time, you will see that you can still be happy without him, there may be someone else out there too who will adore you and you'll wonder why you ever wasted one tear on this jerk.

Please hang in there, I know it's tough, but it won't stay this way forever, I promise.

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5 hours ago, SherrySher said:

It's going to be hard. I had a similar experience with my ex husband of 8 years. He just decided he wanted to run around and no longer have a wife.

He made me feel just as horrible as this man is making you feel.

Don't give him that power!

He doesn't deserve your loyalty, or love, or interest any longer.

I know it's going to be hard, but honestly, you can do this. Believe me, you can.

You don't need him, he doesn't deserve you.

In time, you will see that you can still be happy without him, there may be someone else out there too who will adore you and you'll wonder why you ever wasted one tear on this jerk.

Please hang in there, I know it's tough, but it won't stay this way forever, I promise.

Thanks a lot Sherry for your words. You are right, all I have to work on is detach myself from him and stop wondering what he’s doing or how’s he’s feeling or what he did to me because that’s hurting me even more and keeping me stuck longer. I hope I meet a real man some day in the future. I wish you the best too!

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Can you see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Discuss this situation and your overall situation in life.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Repeating the story over and over and over again about how awful he was is counterproductive.

It's ruminating and not helping you.

A qualified therapist can help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive rewarding thoughts and actions.

It's hard to tell which came first in this case. The poor self respect leading to this relationship or the other way around.

Given the timeframe you Involved yourself in this, it's most likely there were problems long before you jumped on board with him.

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1 hour ago, Yostina said:

Thanks a lot Sherry for your words. You are right, all I have to work on is detach myself from him and stop wondering what he’s doing or how’s he’s feeling or what he did to me because that’s hurting me even more and keeping me stuck longer. I hope I meet a real man some day in the future. I wish you the best too!

Allow yourself better.

He doesn't deserve you, I doubt he ever did. 

I know what it's like to be stuck in a cycle of being addicted to someone toxic and isn't good for you.

It's hard to quit and to force yourself to stop wondering, and stop caring.

But it's more than possible.

You need to give yourself a better future. Only you can do that. 

Heal yourself, move forward (without him), and open the door to the possibility of someone better for you down the road. (It might even be a few years), but that's okay, as long as you realize that this is not the end, and he is not going to leave you lying there broken.

You will rise again, and have a better future with someone who will love you properly.

I believe in you.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Discuss this situation and your overall situation in life.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Repeating the story over and over and over again about how awful he was is counterproductive.

It's ruminating and not helping you.

A qualified therapist can help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive rewarding thoughts and actions.

It's hard to tell which came first in this case. The poor self respect leading to this relationship or the other way around.

Given the timeframe you Involved yourself in this, it's most likely there were problems long before you jumped on board with him.

It is unfortunately not easy to find a good qualified therapist where I live. I've heard stories from people that they don't keep your info private and they use it against you and may even take you to the mental hospital or take you kids (if you have kids, I don't). I really tried finding one, but I don't trust them. I looked up online, but they are either expensive if well known, or I would just pick any random therapist and try them out. That's why I'm just trying to heal myself by myself at least at the moment until I get a chance with a pro therapist by searching info online or asking for advice from people with similar experiences or who are more experienced in relationships.

I've always knew what respect is and tried to set boundaries for myself (which actually many times lead to the arguments and breakups with my current ex) because every time I stood for myself he would fight and leave. But I realized that while I didn't accept some stuff I let other things slip like calling names, degrading, putting down, etc. Although I hated all of this, instead of leaving I kept trying to change it and refused to believe that it will never change and that I should leave and just work on myself. I'm an extremely sensitive person, very fragile and it's causing me all of this. I just need to overcome my fears and believe that I'm worthy and that I can be strong without the need of any man.

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5 minutes ago, Yostina said:

 where I live. I've heard stories from people that they don't keep your info private and they use it against you 

That's complete paranoid nonsense. Find a physician. MD. They treat depression, anxiety etc.

It's starting to get unclear if any of this story is true. 

Yet you are able to diagnose personality disorders? 

You don't seem to want help, just writing on and on and on about wild conspiracies.

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