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Would you get back together in this situation?


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This question is mostly geared towards men. 

My ex and I are both in our early 30s. We were together for 8 momths officially, but had a very flirtatious friendship for half a year before that. During the relationship he always prioritized me, and he made me feel more loved than I did in any other relationship. 

The catch:  I identified as asexual for the vast majority of my life but started to have doubts and this was the first relationship I've had in which sex was on the table. (which he knew prior to dating me). However, because I've had a few painful sexual experiences in the past, 1) I couldn`t get past the initial fear every time we tried and 2) I was still having a hard time embracing the idea that I wasn't asexual and was very uncomfortable with initiating.

He broke things off with me and told me I had been a perfect girlfriend, that he liked and respected me a lot, but that he wasn't sure if we worked as a couple.  I am 100% sure it is because of the sex. He had given no hint of dissatisfaction with anything up until the breakup so I had assumed he was OK with the way things were because even having sex at all was a big step for me. 

Since the breakup, I've done a lot of work on myself, and have addressed all the emotional baggage related to sex, and actually am much more comfortable with my new found sexuality.  I've dated a few people since, and while they have all been nice, I never felt like they knew me as deeply as my ex and loved me as fully. He's dating someone right now so I'm not in a rush but really would love to try again in the future. (He hadn't been in a relationship longer than 3 months since college prior to me so I do think the opportunity could still come up in the future) 

 

Question: If  you dated a girl whose personality you liked, with a career you respect,  and you find physically attractive, but with whom sex was bad, would you be willing to try again if you knew the issues that caused the lack of sexual chemistry had been addressed?

 

 

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It kinda sucks that you two did cross that line of just 'friendship; because now this hinders it, right? A little bit?

IMO, if some guy dated me then dumped me, I wouldn't exactly consider going back to him. 😕 

Why don't YOU accept what is and leave it be?  Consider it an experience and move on.  And look at the guys track record.. he's dating another woman now and you said previously he wasn't involved much more than 3 mos...)

Yah, no thanks. ( he could just be a 'player'.. enjoy this one for a while... end it.. next..).

 

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Are you asexual or not? I’m a little confused. 

I would not rekindle an old relationship. You’ve done a lot of work on yourself. Keep moving forwards and leave the possibility open finding someone new. Staying stuck on your ex lets all those other possibilities pass you by.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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19 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you asexual or not? I’m a little confused. 

No, I no longer identify as asexual but still have a pretty low sex drive. I just had a lot of baggage from past negative experiences. 

Quote

IMO, if some guy dated me then dumped me, I wouldn't exactly consider going back to him.

I guess I normally wouldn't either but in this case I feel like it was partially my problem. I've sort of avoided addressing the issue for a long time by always dating long distance. I had been hesitant to date him because of his track record but he came off as very sincere and is an all around nice guy that everyone really likes. 

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4 hours ago, hopefulromantic said:

If  you dated a girl whose personality you liked, with a career you respect,  and you find physically attractive, but with whom sex was bad, would you be willing to try again if you knew the issues that caused the lack of sexual chemistry had been addressed?

Woman here, but if the situation were reversed and you were a guy, no, I wouldn't go back. 

It's not a shot at you, and it's great that you've done some inner work. However, for me personally, it would be too late and my heart would have moved on. That is especially true if I had started dating someone else with whom I could enjoy a more mutually-fulfilling relationship from the start. 

Keep working on you, but I would leave this guy in the past. It is unlikely to come back together at this point. 

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First off, I dont believe its about sex. Even if it is, would you be opened to returning to somebody who dumped you because sex was bad? What would conversation look like? "You know, I know you said we didnt work around, but now I worked on myself and sex will be great"? Its simply not how those things work. 

Second of all, your feelings are there because you think he treated you better then the rest of the guys you were with. And you never moved on. While he clearly did. Even if there is an opportunity what makes you think he will be open for it? What I am trying t say is that there is no realistic reason that you should been stuck on something like this. It will be harder for you to focus on any relationship after and it will stagnate your growth. Instead, why not switch your thinking on finding somebody who will treat you good? And not on some ex to who you dont know if he will ever be available or wanting you now?

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7 hours ago, hopefulromantic said:

He's dating someone right now 

Have you seen a physician about the sexual dysfunction? That's the first place to start. Also therapy for ongoing support.

Leave him alone. Do not disturb him and whoever he is dating. 

Just move forward with your life .

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you seen a physician about the sexual dysfunction? That's the first place to start. Also therapy for ongoing support.

Leave him alone. Do not disturb him and whoever he is dating. 

Just move forward with your life .

Yes, I have seen a therapist and it has helped a lot. 

And of course, I have not and do not intend to disturb him and the person he's dating. It is a pretty recent development. We have always had good banter so the extent of my contact with him has just been sharing things that I think he might find funny and responding to things he sends to me. He would generally message me after some time if stop so it has just continued pretty light-heartedly up until now. 

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9 hours ago, hopefulromantic said:

I guess I normally wouldn't either but in this case I feel like it was partially my problem. I've sort of avoided addressing the issue for a long time by always dating long distance. I had been hesitant to date him because of his track record but he came off as very sincere and is an all around nice guy that everyone really likes. 

How long ago was your relationship with him?

You still seem to be dealing with guilt and issues due to discomfort around sex. And in the process, you are also assuming he broke up with you due to lack of sexual compatibility.

This may not be true and he may have found someone new or met someone else or felt you were incompatible in other ways. 

I wouldn’t linger with this or let him occupy so much of your thoughts. You’re chatting with him and I think you’ve gotten carried away and your feelings came back. If you can’t seem to put this aside then keep your distance and don’t chat so often or let it fade.

Keep on with your healing journey regardless of what you decide to do and don’t let anyone slow you down. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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1 hour ago, hopefulromantic said:

Yes, I have seen a therapist and it has helped a lot. 

We have always had good banter so the extent of my contact with him has just been sharing things that I think he might find funny and responding to things he sends to me.

Excellent Continue taking care of your health and yourself. 

Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps so you can move forward in peace, rather than be on/off or in the friendzone with someone who would rather date others.

 Invest in a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting new single men who wish to date you. 

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I think big parts of healing oneself in general are accepting the past and looking forward.

What you are doing is trying to go back and fix what's happened. You can't.  You can only go forward to new experiences and relationships. Should an opportunity present itself with this guy, that's one thing. 

For your own benefit look forward to new guys, new happy & healthy situations. Find guys that know the new you.  And keep working on her and the future. Appreciate that he was good to you, but let it remain in the past.

It's also not cool to go after someone that is already dating someone. It doesn't matter that he hasn't had a lot of long term relationships. Maybe he is happy. If you care for him, let him be.

Edited by Lambert
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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

How long ago was your relationship with him?

You still seem to be dealing with guilt and issues due to discomfort around sex. And in the process, you are also assuming he broke up with you due to lack of sexual compatibility.

It was half a year ago, and actually I  have been dating a lot casually. I just don't feel like I have the same kind of immediate emotional connection with them. Most of my relationships in the past have been long-term committed relationships but even compared to those, I really felt like he "got" me more than any other guy had. He had asked me out very early on but at the time I couldn't date him for external reasons so we just continued to hang out as friends. We used to meet up 3 times a week for hours at a time, and chatted every day. And we haven't had a single disagreement throughout our entire relationship. I guess I'm hung up about it because I feel like it would take me years to find someone else with whom conversation flowed this well. 

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15 minutes ago, hopefulromantic said:

It was half a year ago, and actually I  have been dating a lot casually. I just don't feel like I have the same kind of immediate emotional connection with them. Most of my relationships in the past have been long-term committed relationships but even compared to those, I really felt like he "got" me more than any other guy had. He had asked me out very early on but at the time I couldn't date him for external reasons so we just continued to hang out as friends. We used to meet up 3 times a week for hours at a time, and chatted every day. And we haven't had a single disagreement throughout our entire relationship. I guess I'm hung up about it because I feel like it would take me years to find someone else with whom conversation flowed this well. 

Not necessarily and it's a negative way to view the future too, hinging probabilities on something else that is long gone and brief.

Be adventurous and let go of the past. You're still working through things and I think you have a ways to go still. Move past this man. He's not the be all and end all. There are a lot of other people out there. Try to ask yourself difficult questions and review what you're looking for in a partner. A lot of people skip this part and jump into new relationships, then wonder why they keep falling into the same patterns or dating the same people who aren't good for them. 

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To find a good connection you have to be open to it. Right now, you are not because you are still so hung up on your ex. It's impossible for you to be open to someone new when you are so stuck and not over the past. So in that respect, trying to date right now is going to backfire and feel disappointing because you are actively pining for what you had. It's a vicious circle of sorts where you are not open to new experiences and keep getting disappointed that new guys aren't exactly like your ex, so that keeps pushing you toward being stuck on your ex. Nobody can measure up. So maybe, take a break and focus on other aspects of your life for awhile, at least until your ex isn't such a huge factor in your mind.

What you've learned here is that you aren't who you thought, you've grown, you've changed, but you also have a lot more growing to do.

No, you will never have exactly what you had with your ex with someone else because every connection is unique. However, you need to reach a point where that doesn't sound tragic. Instead you can appreciate the fact that there are many others out there with whom you can have an even better, albeit a different connection. Once you reach a point where you are more at peace and more open to that possibility, then start dating again.

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