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New Relationship Off A Breakup


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Someone who has untreated depression is not dating material. It's a different story if you've years of investment with a person, and support them after they've developed a new form of depression that they're being treated for. This is the early stage when you're not in love, so cut out now to find someone mentally healthy enough to be good partner. Plus, a love interest who doesn't inspire you to be Sherlock Holmes.

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I guess I'm looking for confirmation that I'm over analyzing the tattoo or if there is a reason for concern beyond her past struggles.  I get she is struggling to put things together but I want her to be happy. If the quote mirrors what's going on in her mind then she is still looking to remain deeply rooted to her ex despite what she tells me. For her own well being I don't want to see that.  I'm overly analytical to a fault and I get that.  I try to look at everything objectively. Its when I can't that drives me nuts.

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34 minutes ago, Tom224 said:

I guess I'm looking for confirmation that I'm over analyzing the tattoo or if there is a reason for concern beyond her past struggles.  I get she is struggling to put things together but I want her to be happy. If the quote mirrors what's going on in her mind then she is still looking to remain deeply rooted to her ex despite what she tells me. For her own well being I don't want to see that.  I'm overly analytical to a fault and I get that.  I try to look at everything objectively. Its when I can't that drives me nuts.

You are labeling yourself and limiting yourself.  Yes that is your tendency. You are an adult who can make a different choice just like I don't let myself check if the fridge is closed a second time before going to bed even though I would like the reassurance.  Why do you think she is "struggling to put things together" -what if it's just that she still has feelings for her ex, that makes her sad, she reacts by staying in bed and planning on tattoos.  

I don't buy that you're that invested in her well-being or happiness as you describe it  I think you want her to want you, you want her to be over her ex and you're biased because you think what will make her happy are those things.  But maybe what will make her happy is getting a tattoo that reflects her mood, mooning over her ex, and planning how to get him back in her life at some point -or at least fantasizing.  If you think she has chemical depression you can support her well-being by asking her if she does and asking her if she's been evaluated by a mental health professional.  

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Is she diagnosed w/depression, or is that you/her saying that she's depressed? Also, did she say what she's depressed about?

I thought you both lived together, this makes it a bit easier since you both live separately. Are you guys giving each other space? Like what is going on here?

Also, not sure what you're hoping to change, or gain RIGHT NOW? We've told you she needs help and time to heal. She may be someone to date in the future. But, you sticking around hoping for immediate changes - IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
She is and will most likely be in this state for a very long time. So, STOP analyzing her moods, thoughts, actions. IT'S ABOUT HER, IT'S ABOUT HIM, HER PAST. NOT YOU, or your future together.
Being with you, you with her is just going through the motions. BUT, the end result is the same. YOU'RE NOT moving forward.

Nothing to figure out here. You want a rels'hip - WALK AWAY!
You want a friendship, or to wait - fine, but do so at your own peril.

GL!

Edited by Rox22
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Posted (edited)

She is medically diagnosed as having Cyclothymic disorder. She is already getting help with counseling and medication.  There are a few people in my life with bipolar diagnosis. It didn't really bother me knowing she is getting help and when I thought the issues were from her upbringing. The more I learn the more I doubt that the issues were caused from her youth and not from the relationships that she sought out and stayed in. I think she is currently depressedabout staying in a relationship for 9 years with a guy who never had any intention of marrying her and strung her a long.  Strung along according to her. Now out of the relationship she questions what she ever really had with him and lost the prime of her life by staying in the relationship. Rejection is tough even if you know you should have been the one who left. 

Edited by Tom224
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14 minutes ago, Tom224 said:

think she is currently depressedabout staying in a relationship for 9 years with a guy who never had any intention of marrying her and strung her a long.  Strung along according to her. Now out of the relationship she questions what she ever really had with him and lost the prime of her life by staying in the relationship. Rejection is tough even if you know you should have been the one who left. 

Of course. Your conversation with her gave her food for thought. And why is that? Bcuz she jumped from him to you, and never stopped to process and heal. Your questions to her have now made her STOP and think more. This is going to go on for a while...

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1 hour ago, Tom224 said:

She is medically diagnosed as having Cyclothymic disorder. She is already getting help with counseling and medication.  There are a few people in my life with bipolar diagnosis. It didn't really bother me knowing she is getting help and when I thought the issues were from her upbringing. The more I learn the more I doubt that the issues were caused from her youth and not from the relationships that she sought out and stayed in. I think she is currently depressedabout staying in a relationship for 9 years with a guy who never had any intention of marrying her and strung her a long.  Strung along according to her. Now out of the relationship she questions what she ever really had with him and lost the prime of her life by staying in the relationship. Rejection is tough even if you know you should have been the one who left. 

Are you pretending to be her therapist or do you want to date a person who is available for a relationship?  You're delving into a morass of psychobabble that has no place in a new relationship -or maybe any.

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Well I did it. Told her she needs to process things before jumping into a relationship that began 3 months after 9 years. "Do you not think I was processing things from September to December?" "People were telling me how happy I seemed with you." It's not that I think things could never work out but I want a healthy relationship.  "People go through breakups and start relationships. I found someone else to move on with. Do you think i should be alone and not happy?" 

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Well it wasn't your place to tell her what she needs to do generally, just that you weren't comfortable getting involved with her given her situation.  Ironically how you expressed it is kind of parental which she's used to, it seems. I'm glad you are happy with your choice. I think it's the right choice.

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6 hours ago, Tom224 said:

Well I did it. Told her she needs to process things before jumping into a relationship

Oh, Tom. You went about this all wrong. 

While I agree with your sentiment, it's not up to you to tell her how to handle her emotions and process everything. The better option would have been for you to tell her that you are not comfortable getting involved at this point, and for your own well-being you are going to leave it here. 

Did you actually end it with her? It's not clear from your post what the outcome of this conversation was. 

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20 hours ago, Tom224 said:

Well I did it. Told her she needs to process things before jumping into a relationship that began 3 months after 9 years. "Do you not think I was processing things from September to December?" "People were telling me how happy I seemed with you." It's not that I think things could never work out but I want a healthy relationship.  "People go through breakups and start relationships. I found someone else to move on with. Do you think i should be alone and not happy?" 

Don’t do this in future. The best way to end it is to mean it and tell the other person you don’t see a future with them and wish them the best. 

Above is looking for another long drawn out debate and provoking her to defend herself after you’ve lectured and accused her of her poor choices. If you carry on doing this repeatedly or making her feel guilty and low that’s emotional abuse. You don’t feel well and are looking for reassurance with that statement. In the process nothing she says or does is enough to convince you she’s not over her ex. I think you’re looking for her to tell you that you mean a great deal to her but it’s passive aggressive.

Move on if this isn’t for you. It’s not working if you have to try so hard to convince yourself that she’s worth dating. 

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On 3/18/2022 at 9:14 AM, Batya33 said:

Are you pretending to be her therapist or do you want to date a person who is available for a relationship?  You're delving into a morass of psychobabble that has no place in a new relationship -or maybe any.

I agree with this. She talks about her ex a lot. How he did her wrong, he ruined her life, he was controlling about doing laundry, etc, etc. To put it bluntly, why should you be listening to all this? It's a big "no no" to talk about your ex too much in a new relationship, or even while going on dates. She's clearly not over her breakup and she's turning to you for comfort and wants you to listen to her problems. Also don't you find it odd that even though supposedly her ex "ruined her life", yet she still kept asking him to watch her kitten? I'm sure there were other options of who could have taken care of the kitten and it didn't have to be him.

Also you might be right to worry about what kinds of guys she went out with before. She keeps saying she wants marriage and kids. But why did she date guys who were 13 and 20 years older than her and who had already been married and already had kids? And she spent nine years on her previous ex, which is a really long time. 

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On 3/19/2022 at 6:36 PM, Tom224 said:

Well I did it. Told her she needs to process things before jumping into a relationship that began 3 months after 9 years. "Do you not think I was processing things from September to December?" "People were telling me how happy I seemed with you." It's not that I think things could never work out but I want a healthy relationship.  "People go through breakups and start relationships. I found someone else to move on with. Do you think i should be alone and not happy?" 

I don't understand if that's her quotes, or you speaking as well?

How did you leave things? Are you broken up? 

Edited by Rox22
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