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My bf won’t change. Is this a good or bad ?


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My bf(18) says he’s tired of being told that he has to change for me. He feels he shouldn’t change to make me happy. Is he right?

When I voice my opinions about him not paying attention, or not listening to my needs, he voices that “I do not want to be told what to do. I am who I am.”

EDIT: example of change: when im not feeling loved, i want him to give me a little more affection, which feels kind of forceful or when i ask him to stop being so silly during a conversation, i want him to change his demeanour.

I feel like there should be some sort of comprise. Of course I don’t what him to change for me, but again, I feel like i’m not getting what I want out of the relationship.

What should I do? what should i say to him?

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No he shouldn't have to change. What is happening here is there is a lack of compatibility. You find someone that treats you the way you want to be treated, not find someone to change them to suit you. That is how it works. Since he is digging in his heels on this, I suggest finding a new BF that treats you the way you like..that means happy life. 

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25 minutes ago, leah2000 said:

he voices that “I do not want to be told what to do. I am who I am.” I feel like i’m not getting what I want out of the relationship.

How long have you been dating?  You're not compatible if you need someone to change this much and not be who they are.

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What you should do is find a new bf who is naturally more affectionate as a person and overall more compatible to you.

You are not wrong to want what you want and he isn't wrong in staying true to himself. All it means is that you and him are not compatible and that's causing conflict where you are trying to change him and he is resisting.

The point of dating is to figure these things out. Once you realize that the person you are dating can't/won't meet your needs, you end it and move on.

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1 minute ago, leah2000 said:

We have been dating for 1.5 years

So since you two were 16 years old?

You're learning about relationships. No, he should not "change". What if he wanted you to change into someone who wants less affection and who likes it when he's being "silly"? Why should he have to change but you don't?

If you want a serious, more affectionate boyfriend then date a different boy.

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It likely is incompatibility but if your needs are not getting met use I statements.

I feel disrespected when you laugh in response to my telling you something serious that happened.

I feel ignored when I go to give you a hug and you stare at your phone.

Or change your behavior.  Instead of expecting him to give you more affection when you are "not feeling loved" find ways to give love to yourself.  Find a comfy throw blanket, make it into a cocoon and read a good book.  Go outside and power walk in a park for at least 20 minutes or try to do so near trees, etc.  Pick ways that make you feel loved that don't require him having to act in a loving way in the specific way you want at that time.

And consider -where is this needy feeling coming from?

Edited by Batya33
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You are both still young and you just start learning about relationships. To answer your question whether he should change for you. Very simple, no, he should not change for you. Don’t be together with someone and then try to “fix” them. You have been dating for 1.5 years now and it sounds like you two are not a good match, and that is the way it is. That is what dating is all about, to find out whether the other person is the right one for you.

Keep in mind that a partner is not responsible for your happiness. You are responsible for your own happiness, it should come from within. Also, a relationship is not a one way street, it is give and take. It is not just about you, a relationship is about the 2 of you. And finally, no one is perfect, we all have our flaws.

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3 hours ago, leah2000 said:

 

My bf(18) says he’s tired of being told that he has to change for me. He feels he shouldn’t change to make me happy. Is he right?

When I voice my opinions about him not paying attention, or not listening to my needs, he voices that “I do not want to be told what to do. I am who I am.”

EDIT: example of change: when im not feeling loved, i want him to give me a little more affection, which feels kind of forceful or when i ask him to stop being so silly during a conversation, i want him to change his demeanour.

I feel like there should be some sort of comprise. Of course I don’t what him to change for me, but again, I feel like i’m not getting what I want out of the relationship.

What should I do? what should i say to him?

Your examples are useful. 

What do you do to show your affection? Be more demonstrative and talk less. Show him that you’re interested in him and give him a hug for example. Does he completely ignore you? 

Regarding his silliness, that’s who he is. Unfortunately you’re not the only one who may be turned off by excessive goofiness but if you’re not understanding his humour it’s hurtful to him too. 

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