After 11 years

[Jane1230]

Hi everyone. It's been 7 months since my (27) ex gf(27) (I'm a girl too) dumped me out of nowhere via message (om sorry,hope you'll find somebody,i can't be with you any longer, I need to rebuild my mental health and this relationship now are putting it in danger)when I was in another city and just disappeared (quit her job, logged out of all social media accounts, left all her stuff at our flat and just... Gone). After 2 weeks of absolute nothing I got an email that she's okay, it wasn't a suicide and she's really sorry. I didn't plead. I said multiple times that I love her, she just didn't have it so I went NC almost 5 months ago. There wasn't any cheating whatsoever, we were living together for 9 years. 

My question is... Has anyone been there? Where a partner really just got disappeared? With no cheating, abuse and so on? Yes, she was quite depressed for a while, it's true, and we did have some arguments. But the breakup had never even been on the table. 

Thank you

[NLYid88]

I am sorry to hear this happened to you. While I have not been through something quite so extreme and sudden, please take solace in the fact that many hear where also blindsided and left with a similar lack of closure. 
 

for us it may seem sudden but for our former partners they were likely checked out for months. 
 

don’t drive yourself crazy trying to intellectualise or figure out what the other person is thinking. If they aren’t willing to explain or offer closure, then you have to find a way to do that for yourself. 

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. While I haven't experienced something like this myself, I've seen it happen more than once and there are plenty of similar experiences here on these boards.

Unfortunately, some types of personality disorders are prone to this type of behavior - discard and run. All I can tell you is that this has nothing to do with you, your relationship, anything you have or haven't done. Also, there is nothing you could have done to stop her or change her behavior.

Her actions are not about you and have nothing to do with you. They are all about herself. She may have abandoned her life because she felt like it, or she may have cut loose because she ran off with someone else (that you don't know about). Either way, she is acting solely in her own selfish interest with zero regard for how it affects anyone else, especially you, her long term partner.

Painful and shocking as this is, it's best that you close that door firmly shut and focus on healing and moving on with your own life. You've been a part of a couple since you were teens. Time to figure out who you are as an adult woman of your own accord.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Jane1230 said:

Hi everyone. It's been 7 months since my (27) ex gf(27) (I'm a girl too) dumped me out of nowhere via message (om sorry,hope you'll find somebody,i can't be with you any longer, I need to rebuild my mental health and this relationship now are putting it in danger)when I was in another city and just disappeared (quit her job, logged out of all social media accounts, left all her stuff at our flat and just... Gone). After 2 weeks of absolute nothing I got an email that she's okay, it wasn't a suicide and she's really sorry. I didn't plead. I said multiple times that I love her, she just didn't have it so I went NC almost 5 months ago. There wasn't any cheating whatsoever, we were living together for 9 years. 

My question is... Has anyone been there? Where a partner really just got disappeared? With no cheating, abuse and so on? Yes, she was quite depressed for a while, it's true, and we did have some arguments. But the breakup had never even been on the table. 

Thank you

She gave you a very clear indication that the relationship was affecting her mental health. Could you have been in denial about this? Some are able to hide it better than others so don’t beat yourself up over it. The message is very clear however. 

If you had argued here and there what were these arguments about? What kind of job was she working? Did she move from another city to live with you those years ago? Were there any drugs or substance abuse involved? Was she being treated for mental health issues? 

 

[Jane1230]

NLY and Dancing -- thank you for your support, I appreciate it. Of course first few months I was eating myself alive ruminating what I have or haven't done, went to therapy + my friends and family were supportive. None expected it at all, EVERYONE was in total shock, because none of friends knew anything. 

Rose -- we were planning to move abroad and she became very tired over last couple of months so I had to take up a lot of responsibilities. No drugs of both sides. And no, we lived in one city. Yes, she was getting help (therapy), but her therapist hinted that she needed medications - she didn't want to start it. 

In all letters of hers there were super weird phrases such as "I had no choice. If I'd had another chance it'd have been different". She never said anything about falling out of love or something, only " Please, I don't want you to wait for me, don't want to be an anchor, I want you to be happy, to move on, maybe we will talk in a year but before that I'm not ready to get in contact. I need to understand who I am and what I need"

Among these letters once, right before going NC, I asked like, what is it? Do you need time, space? She said yes - for herself she needs therapy,space and solitude, but our break up isn't temporary. I know that I asked it too early (1.5 months since breakup) and I know that a lot of dumpers, especially when the breakup wasn't impulsive, don't even consider any reconciliation or anything that quickly.

She's extremely fearful as a person

[DancingFool]

11 hours ago, Jane1230 said:

She never said anything about falling out of love or something, only " Please, I don't want you to wait for me, don't want to be an anchor, I want you to be happy, to move on, maybe we will talk in a year but before that I'm not ready to get in contact. I need to understand who I am and what I need"

She may not be spelling it out for you in those specific words, but she is telling you quite directly that she is completely checked out of the relationship for good. People who are still on the fence or maybe thinking about getting back together do not tell you to move on and be happy. The maybe we'll talk in a year is just softening the blow and even so, putting that off for so long that it might as well be never. It's a very clear message from her that there is no going back.

Of course, she had a choice to be kinder, to talk to you, to tell you what's going through her mind or her doubts. She could have told you she wants to end things instead of just sneaking away. Again, that choice to sneak away was entirely selfish.

 

 

[Jane1230]

35 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

She may not be spelling it out for you in those specific words, but she is telling you quite directly that she is completely checked out of the relationship for good. People who are still on the fence or maybe thinking about getting back together do not tell you to move on and be happy. The maybe we'll talk in a year is just softening the blow and even so, putting that off for so long that it might as well be never. It's a very clear message from her that there is no going back.

Of course, she had a choice to be kinder, to talk to you, to tell you what's going through her mind or her doubts. She could have told you she wants to end things instead of just sneaking away. Again, that choice to sneak away was entirely selfish.

 

 

Yes, it looks this way. But once many years ago she was at the hospital and I was with her and she told me practically the same things. When it all ended she confessed that the last thing she wanted in her life is to keep me when I can be happy elsewhere and it had nothing to do with her feelings. Anyway, thank you for your input. I do move on. Without any relationship obviously, but I do everything to live my life as I can at the moment

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Jane1230 said:

she was getting help (therapy), but her therapist hinted that she needed medications - she didn't want to start it. 

In all letters of hers there were super weird phrases such as "I had no choice. If I'd had another chance it'd have been different".

Sorry this happened. You mentioned when she did contact you that she stated "she didn't commit suicide". How sever are her mental health problems?

There's a lot missing to the story. You must have been aware, at some level, of her instability, no? Did she use drugs?

[Jane1230]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You mentioned when she did contact you that she stated "she didn't commit suicide". How sever are her mental health problems?

There's a lot missing to the story. You must have been aware, at some level, of her instability, no? Did she use drugs?

Yes, I was more or less aware. She had insomnia, chronic tiredness, anxiety, most likely depression. I was actually the one who pushed her to psychologist, because I was really worried. No, no drugs ever. Her first attempt to go to the psychologist failed because she absolutely didn't want to be medicated, but the first psychologist insisted on and and she found another one, how is more into CBT, not medications. She also has some gender related issues, body dimorphia (which I was, as I think, quite supportive about, because ANY TIME I was very careful with pronouns (but she was okay with she/her) and even said that I'd be fine if she considers any sort of transition in the future) 

 

[bluecastle]

Sorry you're going through all this. The end of a relationship is always painful, and the way this ended, after so many years, is going to make that initial sting all the more potent. Big hugs as you navigate the waves the feelings. 

As you sort through it all, I hope you can find the space to reflect on the relationship as a whole, and yourself, as the more you write this doesn't sound quite so sudden. Fear, insomnia, anxiety, gender identity struggles, body dysmorphia: that is a lot for a human to weather, and issues that make a sustained relationship of equals very challenging.

Do you feel the support you offered her was returned, or was your dynamic one in which you were doing the heavy-lifting in hopes that she would find stability? I ask because one of the lessons here, and a very hard one, might be that a relationship is only ever as sound and solid as both parties. 

 

[Jane1230]

9 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry you're going through all this. The end of a relationship is always painful, and the way this ended, after so many years, is going to make that initial sting all the more potent. Big hugs as you navigate the waves the feelings. 

As you sort through it all, I hope you can find the space to reflect on the relationship as a whole, and yourself, as the more you write this doesn't sound quite so sudden. Fear, insomnia, anxiety, gender identity struggles, body dysmorphia: that is a lot for a human to weather, and issues that make a sustained relationship of equals very challenging.

Do you feel the support you offered her was returned, or was your dynamic one in which you were doing the heavy-lifting in hopes that she would find stability? I ask because one of the lessons here, and a very hard one, might be that a relationship is only ever as sound and solid as both parties. 

 

Thank you for your support. Yes, she was supporting me too. I had two jobs at that time and was tired and really anxious and she was here for me. 

I'm considering reaching out in a while, when I feel completely okay. I'm not a person of pride, not stubborn when it comes to ones I care about. 

I do think that partially it was a really bad timing, because TOO MUCH stress on the both sides and some general issues (our sex life wasn't good due to her low libido because of stress and anxiety) 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Jane1230 said:

. She also has some gender related issues, body dimorphia  I was very careful with pronouns but she was okay with she/her and even said that I'd be fine if she considers any sort of transition in the future.

Why, exactly, did you have to walk on eggshells about pronouns?

If someone refuses to take care of their physical and mental health, it's not your job to fix them.

Whatever caused this sudden disappearing, seems like the tip of the iceberg with regard to several poorly and under-treated mental health issues.

Someone must be committed to their own health in order to participate in a relationship. 

 

[Jane1230]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why, exactly, did you have to walk on eggshells about pronouns?

If someone refuses to take care of their physical and mental health, it's not your job to fix them.

Whatever caused this sudden disappearing, seems like the tip of the iceberg with regard to several poorly and under-treated mental health issues.

Someone must be committed to their own health in order to participate in a relationship. 

 

It's complicated... We live in a very conservative country and it's hard to be a trans person here. But anyway yes, you're right, it's completely her responsibility to take care of herself in this way, which is why I decided not to involved anyhow and if it's meant to be probably it will be