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I'm in a strange 2nd NC situation


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I was in a meaningful, wonderful relationship with someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. She was perfect in many ways. But due to attachment issues (fearful-avoidant) or possible borderline personality disorder, I was blindsided by a breakup.

We tried to be friends for two weeks, but it just could work for me. So I went into NC to heal myself as well as for the possibility to get her back. She understood perfectly well and even seemed happy. Of course, she was in the relief stage of a breakup. She said she would contact me during the holidays. There were no bad feelings in the end.

I spent my time healing, reflecting, reading books, learning a new language, painting, cooking interesting foods and much much more. I was happy and moving forward.

Two weeks into NC I noticed she started to watch my video on youtube only she had the link to. She kept this up till she text me 1 month after NC. I didn't get a chance to reply because she deleted it. She asked how I was. One week after that she asked the same thing, I answered. So I was in NC for 5 weeks.

We had talked about what we did during the past month to catch up. I was honestly happy and had a saturated time, while she had nothing to talk about, and was depressed.

I asked why she reached out, she replied "I don't know why I wrote to you. I was worried about you. Too much even. I didn't know how you were." I asked her if she was interested in reconciliation. She said she still didn't want a relationship with anyone. She doesn’t even talk to any guys and even wears a wedding ring to deter attention. I believe it. She said I did nothing wrong, that she is a coward and is afraid of commitment. I said I couldn't be friends and was about to go into NC again. Minutes later she told me her mother was being rushed to the hospital because of a sickness related to COVID. I couldn't just leave her, even if there was no chance of a relationship. She was very scared. 

It appears that when she first reached out and deleted the text, is when her mother went into isolation. And the second time, when her mother got sick. So I was her source of comfort.

During that month when I kept in contact, I supported and cared for her through some very dark moments. She was very warm to me and told me how important I was and much more. I made her laugh, smile, cry and showed her patience, understanding, and acceptance. She said I make her feel alive and calm. She told me how I'm the only person in her life that asks about her emotions and that she's the only person she talks to about how she's feeling. I can look back and say I did the best I could. Overall she never acted like I was a friend, but a something a little more. It's strange. 

I just had a gut feeling like she was comfortable with how things were and it wasn't going to progress even though I had been told to “give her time to open up to you, it could take a while, but be patient.”

But recently I decided to go to NC again. It’s not so much for myself healing because I’m already happy and moving forward through life and she even sees and acknowledges it. I didn’t ask her about a relationship or what her feelings are. I felt like I already knew and said “our emotions are on two different levels because I love you.” She said, “That bothers you?”

I explained I was taking time away from myself because I wasn’t getting rid of my emotions that weren’t useful here anymore. She was really upset. I had never seen her that mad. She even quoted her post when she first reached out to me during NC and said “this was the last time I do this (ask how you are) I will never text you again.” She thanked me every day for caring and supporting her, everything I’ve done every day previously. But this time she said good night and left without thanking me or acknowledging everything I’ve done for her. So trust me, she was furious and hurt that I was leaving again.

I told her it wasn’t her fault, (neither of us can make her feel things she doesn’t feel) as she tends to be depressed and thinks everything is her fault. And I wrote her a nice short letter goodbye.

I’m not hurt, but she is. Now I feel like the dumper and she the dumpee. But I did leave the door open for her as one of the last things I said was “if you have a change of heart, the door is open to discussing it.”

I know NC is for me to heal, I get that but I’m already stable and secure, moving through life, happy, and pursuing new things all the time. She knows I'm doing very well too.

I’m too close to the situation that I can be blind. My question is will NC a second time have the same impact on her returning? I'm scared she might have felt too much rejection. What are the chances she will reach out and if she does, how do I prepare myself? Because I don’t want to be in the same position as her wanting comfort again. I could be blind to her false advances and breadcrumbing. 

**This is the condensed version of the story**

Edited by Armoredcore4
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12 minutes ago, Armoredcore4 said:

I asked her if she was interested in reconciliation. 

Overall she never acted like I was a friend, but a something a little more. recently I decided to go to NC again.

My question is will NC a second time have the same impact on her returning? 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? How old is she?

What was the real reason for the breakup? Without the attachment style or personality disorder theory.

How often did you see each other in person? Do you both work or go to school?

 Unfortunately it seems you have been reading those "get your ex back" scams about using "NC" as some sort of tool to reel someone back in and using 'self-improvement' as another tool to prove something to an ex. As you have seen, it doesn't work.

She sees you as a good friend, but since a relationship is your goal, it's best to distance yourself. Not as a tool to "reattract" anyone but to begin to move forward.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Please don’t use very manipulative and transparent reverse psychology tactics to draw someone back in. She ended it because her feelings have changed and it appears she doesn’t love you in the same way anymore. 

You’re opting for no contact to heal and date someone else when you’re ready. Don’t wait for her feelings to change for you. You’re trying to control someone who’s going through a rough time. She’s too mired in her own struggles to even see the imbalances in your feelings and runs the risk of being selfish. How is this ever attractive? Let her heal also. Move forwards. 

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20 minutes ago, Armoredcore4 said:

My question is will NC a second time have the same impact on her returning?

Does it really matter? 

I never understood those NC schemes. NC is the time for you to forget about the other person. So you could move on from them. NC is not some scheme to make the other person think on you so they could contact you. 

OK she missed you. She might miss you again, that happens. She cant have you! That is about it. You made the right choice to walk away from her because she doesnt want anything serious and you do. Her mom troubles or hers are not yours anymore. She also made her choice. You dont have to play those mind games in order for her to miss you more. All you need to do is to walk away and find somebody who will want you romantically. And not just to fill in her emptyness because she has nobody else to complain too about her life. Because again, that is what NC is for. 

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55 minutes ago, Armoredcore4 said:

but I’m already stable and secure, moving through life, happy, and pursuing new things all the time. 

You say this^ that you are already happy moving through life. 

But then you say this:

55 minutes ago, Armoredcore4 said:

My question is will NC a second time have the same impact on her returning? I'm scared she might have felt too much rejection. What are the chances she will reach out and if she does, how do I prepare myself? Because I don’t want to be in the same position as her wanting comfort again. I could be blind to her false advances and breadcrumbing. 

that indicates you are not healed, happy and moved on.  

Do you want her to reach out? 

Edited by Lambert
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Contacting you doesn't hurt her at all because she doesn't have romantic love feelings for you like you do for her. So it's no big deal to her for you two to communicate. Whereas for you, communication with her is a road to reconciliation.

Remind yourself that you don't want a partner who doesn't love you the way you want her to. Reaching out to you in times of stress isn't the same thing as desiring a love relationship with you. Don't confuse the two.

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I agree with the others. You're deliberately misusing the reason to not be in contact with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you anymore.  You're burying your rationalizations in a bunch of verbage and big words but it's simple.  You two want different things.  She has been honest that she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you.  You want that. You two don't want the same thing.  If she changes her mind in the future she'll let you know -assume that and move on.

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At some point, you've got to be honest with yourself - you are not over her and desperately want her back.

The whole NC thing and jumping in to support her while her mother was sick were both attempts by you to get her back. NC was meant to make her miss you. Support was an attempt to show her how awesome you are and what she is missing. Yet, despite all your efforts, she remains steadfast and brutally honest with you that she does not want a relationship.

So this time, NC is for you and only you. Time for you to heal emotionally and actually move on. You'll know you've really moved on when you no longer care if she reaches out or wants to get back together. In the meantime, if you are afraid that she'll reach out again because she wants to use you and you'll fall for that, then block her. You have to start letting go of the idea of you and her being together again. If you can't block her just in case.....you aren't healed.

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7 hours ago, Armoredcore4 said:

My question is will NC a second time have the same impact on her returning?

Look, when you're compelled to go NC as a last resort to get someone to care or return to you...you have no basis for a true reconciliation. 

This is over. 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

It seems you are buying her excuse that she broke up with you because of commitment issues and because she wants to be alone. But really that is just a version of "it's not you, it's me" and it is giving you false hope. 100% she doesn't see your relationship as meaningful and wonderful or she wouldn't have ended it. 

Also there is an unbonding process so breakups can be hard on dumpers. So not surprising she's taking advantage of your emotional support and is angry when you withdrew it. And also not surprising she missed you and reached out. But it doesn't mean she has any desire to get back together as she made clear. And because she can't reciprocate your feeling she is instead trying to make you feel significant ("the only one. ...important....etc..") and you are reading too much into it. And when you say it doesn't feel like you are friends you are projecting. For her you are simply a source of emotional support and someone to talk to and spend time with so she doesn't have to bear the full burden of being single until she feels strong enough to properly go it alone and feels ready to meet someone new.

I also don't think NC really works to get people back. Maybe if the break up was impulsive and the person is still in love with you it can create the necessary space and distance to allow them to put things in perspective. But if the person has fallen out of love with you it won't change their feelings. Sure they may miss you...like I said there is an unbonding process. And they might want you back for selfish reasons (e.g. they feel lonely/are going through a bad time/their ego is bruised/they want you now they can't have you). But you don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you. 

 

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She has rejected you over and over so why are you focussing on her feeling rejected? This is her choice, not yours. She knows that. 

You were spot on when you said you were her source of comfort. If she “returns” any time soon, it will be for THAT reason only. Despite all of her contact and reaching out she has still made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want a relationship.

The way to equip yourself for this is to stop responding to her altogether and REALLY focus on moving on. At the moment, you are focussing on her coming back to you and you are hoping NC will do that. If you keep responding to her and offering up comfort and security, she will keep on coming back for it …. and you will be stuck in this same emotional cycle. Is that what you really want?

I know it is soooo easy for us to say ignore her ….. and the truth is you probably won’t. But if she does reach out again, remind yourself WHY she is reaching out. And if you must respond, stop making yourself her source of comfort …. stop being her friend … stop making her want to reach out to you because that is what you have been doing and you’ve been doing that for one reason and one reason only. 

The truth is, if you were serious about moving on from her, you would have blocked her by now.  
 

Edited by Blue68
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14 hours ago, Blue68 said:

She has rejected you over and over so why are you focussing on her feeling rejected? This is her choice, not yours. She knows that. 

You were spot on when you said you were her source of comfort. If she “returns” any time soon, it will be for THAT reason only. Despite all of her contact and reaching out she has still made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want a relationship.

The way to equip yourself for this is to stop responding to her altogether and REALLY focus on moving on. At the moment, you are focussing on her coming back to you and you are hoping NC will do that. If you keep responding to her and offering up comfort and security, she will keep on coming back for it …. and you will be stuck in this same emotional cycle. Is that what you really want?

I know it is soooo easy for us to say ignore her ….. and the truth is you probably won’t. But if she does reach out again, remind yourself WHY she is reaching out. And if you must respond, stop making yourself her source of comfort …. stop being her friend … stop making her want to reach out to you because that is what you have been doing and you’ve been doing that for one reason and one reason only. 

The truth is, if you were serious about moving on from her, you would have blocked her by now.  
 

She reached out Friday evening, so two days ago. Not for any reason that I have uncovered, she just said she made a big mistake, that she desires me in her life, that she sees things clearly now. We're still talking about how to move forward because I'm skeptical and I want to take things at a turtles pace. She said she has been to a therapist that deals in psychological trauma. The further I'm away from her the more I see things clearly. Suppose things go south unexpectedly, she's just going to say "sorry, I want to be single, bye." And where does that leave me again? In the dirt... 

It's frustrating because she broke my trust. When someone breaks my trust I can never ever forget it. Maybe I'm too lenient and forgiving. But I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

This is all fresh news that I'm in the middle of. So I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm very wide-eyed right now. 

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I think you are taking big leap of faith here on someone who keeps disappointing you. 

I don't know her and I don't know you, but just going off your OP, there's a lot of these characters who just love feeling special. They may or may not have some psychological issues (don't we all?) but they sure love the flattery from others who keep giving it to them. It's also called ego-boost.

I can tell you make her feel special but if someone truly considers you more than a friend, they would have never risked losing you. Now that she is back, you need to ask her if she wants more than a friendship with you. You don't want to keep wasting time on someone who friend zone you when you can be out there dating your future wife already.

 

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Yeah all she has said is that she wants you in her life. That is very vague and gives no indication that she loves you and wants to get back together. And the fact this "revelation" was triggered by another round of no contact is suspect and I think she is just trying to lure you by giving you false hope. 

The danger is she will continue to use you as an emotional crutch until she feels strong enough to go it alone and will use her psychological issues as an excuse for why she is not yet ready to resume the relationship. 

Also as you correctly identified you are going to see her as a flight risk and that will make it difficult for you to feel comfortable and happy with her and it could make you insecure and clingy which could push her away again. So the future dynamic could be problematic. 

If the psychological issues are why she felt she couldn't be in a relationship with you they aren't going to be resolved overnight and will continue to cause problems for you in the future.

But if (far more likely IMO) they are a smokescreen and she lost feelings for you then even if you get back together there will be a point in the future where she again decides she doesn't want to be with someone she doesn't love even if she does value your emotional support and feels connected to you. 

And going at a turtles pace sounds sensible but what will probably happen is eventually there will be another sticking point where the relationship feels too real again to her and she will want out again. And as you suggested in your initial post you want a long term future with this woman. 

If you want to give it another go I suggest skipping the long talks and baby stepping and ask her if she is ready to resume your relationship and if she sees a long term future with you? Anything less than an enthusiastic and unequivocal yes to both questions and I'd walk away. 

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