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Don't know how to or should I break up


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This post may be a bit long, thanks to whoever reads it and possibly gives me advice or any comment

So, I'm 23 yo and last summer for the first time in my life I got a boyfriend. I was never really interested in dating not even last summer, but I just went with his flow and we ended up becoming a couple. And summer was great, we had so much fun, but at the end of August came time to get back to being serious and go back tu studying for college. That's the time we really started to get to know each other. 

Also, he's almost two years younger than me, so I understand that he's more childish, but still, years don't mean much.

We both have same hometown, and I'm there during summer, but we also study in another city (same as well) and since mid August I'm there and rarely come home, whereas he's at our hometown, just sometimes comes here to listen lectures and take tests. 

Now, I may not be the easiest person to deal with, I'm someone who makes my own plans and stick to them, I have my daily routine and I don't like anyone disturbing it. When it comes to studies, I'm really serious about it. But other people easily influence me amd the more time I spend with someone, the more of his/hers habits I may pick up. I'm also someone who doesn't know how to express my feelings and most of the time I wouldn't say something about things that are bothering me, just so I wouldn't hurt the other person. Also I'm not used to physical contact, any sort of it, so I can say that I just don't like it and being in a relationship of course leads to it. For short period of time I'm okay with it but only shortly, then I want my own space back. And even when I nicely tell him that, and ask him to give me some space, he doesn't do it, cause he likes it. 

I should say that I'm probably asexual, I do want romantic relationship, but anything sexual just makes me close myself more. Now, I did want to talk to him about that, to explain it to him, to ask him to give me some time and space when I ask for it, but as he doesn't really support LGBTQA+ community I didn't know how to do it. So I asked my older sister for advice and she told me that I should wait, that I can't just tell him that, that it's not fair to him. So I didn't talk to him about it,thinking that I'll do it when the right time comes. 

To get back to the story. I said what I thought may be the most important about me, now come the things about him that bother me. 

He's really irresponsible, about almost everything, about his studies, about other people's time (he's late 90% of the time). I have an impression that he lives to sleep. He works as a waiter in cafe, mainly being second shift. He would sleep until he has 30 minutes before shis shift, as he works from 13.30, he'd get up at 13.00. And I'm someone who gets up at 06.30, so he's not there for me to talk to him, to tell him if something happend, or if I'm home, to go out and spend time together. During work he's almost always online, as he's bored and wants someone to entertain him, whereas I have my own responsibilities about college at that time, that are really important to me, but I still make time to answer his texts. But after finishing with work and getting home, he's off the grid. He doesn't reply my texts for few hours and when he finally does, it's usually time when get ready for bed. And what was he doing during the time he wasn't answering, nothing important, watching TV, playing games or he accidentally fell asleep.... I don't expect him to answer my texts seconds after I send them, but is it too much to just say you won't be able to answer me after getting home, because of that and that.?

There would also be times when he'd dissappear in the middle of our conversation and come back hours later, answering my text like I just sent it. 

Also, he doesn't work on Sunday, but he doesn't exist almost whole day. He'd sleep until 14.00 at best, but there were many situations when he'd get up after 17.00.

For some reason I'm irritated when others are carefree and irresponsible about their own responsibilities, why, I don't know, but I'm just that way. 

There's already way too much to read, so I'll try to just write the rest as notes. 

He sometimes goes out with his friends and just sends me a photo without any context, an I don't know what to reply because way too many times I feel like I'm interrogating him, when I really don't want to be doing that. But he never tells me anything unless I ask, and I have to be specific with my questions or he won't get what information I want to hear. He also never tells me about his plans, which is especially annoying when his plans include me and my time, but he thinks it's completely alright to tell me that when there's less then a day, like I couldn't have made other plans. So I have to try and predict what he's plans could be and leave my time free... 

Also, he talks a LOT, but he never tells important things, and I find them later from his friend or when he mentions them on another conversation days later. 

But, he talks to his parents and his brother about everything, and when I say everything, I mean, I'm just waiting to hear that he told someone of them how many times we kissed when we saw each other. He has no filter what to say to who, he tells everyone everything. Maybe I've never been in a relationship before, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it should be. 

Most of the time it's me who sends texts firs, but I gave up on that as there is no point in sending message to someone who's going to sleep for who knows how many more hours. So sometimes the whole day would pass without any sort of communication between us. And honestly I don't really care, I go about my day normally. 

The problem is that I think about it, should I send something, should I call (but he's probably at work now), why won't he sometimes send something firs. 

And all of this became extremely mentally tiring to me. We've been together for 8 months, and just first 4 months I can say I truly enjoyed this relationship. But the last 4 months have been so tiring. That's probably when all small things accumulated and I start thinking about breaking up. 

It may be a bit hard to understand, because I really don't know how to explain properly, but I've been feeling like I'm losing myself. 

I had problems with my mental health (depression and anxiety) and it took me a long time to feel good and content with myself, to put myself, my needs first and now I'm feeling like all those years of working hard are just crumbling before my eyes. 

I feel like I'm giving way too much of my time to him, to time thinking about different possibilities and scenarios connected to him. 

And I really don't know what to do. 

When I first started having negative thoughts about this I tried talking to my sister, but she told me I'm too dramatic, that everything bothers me. So, I didn't talk about it anymore, with anyone. Until last month, when I finally talked to one person who's been there for me for last two years, to give me advice and help me be at peace with myself. I'd often think of that person as my therapist, even though that's not the case. 

And that's the first time someone said I do have right to feel annoyed by all these things, and that I should feel like that, because those are not small things in a relationship. And that I'm right for wanting to break up. That's when I understood that I feel like I'm enduring this relationship and that that shouldn't be a case. 

After our talk I was sure I want to break up, I just didn't know how to do it. Days passed, but with each day my determination was smaller and smaller and I came to solution that I don't actually want to break up, that I should try having a long talk with him. Even though I feel like he never listens to what I'm saying or he just doesn't care about it. 

While having the idea of talking to him I came to my hometown for dad's birthday. We saw each other three days ago, but we were with friend. And after meeting him, spending time with him I understood that we could talk all we want, that's not it, this won't last. 

So, now I'm sure I want to break up, but I have no idea how to do it. I don't want to stall, as it'll just make me suffer more, I also feel like it's not fair to him. But I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

I've been thinking about this for past three days and my head has been hurting like crazy, but I have no idea how these things work. 

So I thank you for reading this till the end, some parts may be confusing as I wrote ačl the things that came to my mind at the moment. 

I just hope that someone will be able to tell me what to do, how to do it. 

Thanks in advance 💙

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24 minutes ago, Milica32 said:

 I'm sure I want to break up, but I have no idea how to do it. I don't want to stall, as it'll just make me suffer more, I also feel like it's not fair to him. 

Sorry this is happening. After 32 weeks dating and 16 of those conflicted and unhappy, it's time to be honest and kind and simply tell him it's not working out.

Take care of yourself and your depression/anxiety. You'll do much better with medical help and supportive therapy than dragging out an unhappy situation.

Be diplomatic and set both yourselves free.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Your feelings are absolutely valid, and you guys are clearly incompatible.

Have a talk and let him know that while you enjoyed some moments together early-on,  you're not happy in this relationship/don't see a future in it and you're ending it. It's over. 

Then block him so that you can heal and move on. You're strong. You got this.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. After 32 weeks dating and 16 of those conflicted and unhappy, it's time to be honest and kind and simply tell him it's not working out.

Take care of yourself and your depression/anxiety. You'll do much better with medical help and supportive therapy than dragging out an unhappy situation.

Be diplomatic and set both yourselves free.

 

Thank you so much, especially for saying my thoughts out loud, that it's okay if I put myself firs and take care of me ❤️

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Your feelings are absolutely valid, and you guys are clearly incompatible.

Have a talk and let him know that while you enjoyed some moments together early-on,  you're not happy in this relationship/don't see a future in it and you're ending it. It's over. 

Then block him so that you can heal and move on. You're strong. You got this.

Some of his friends said that we're so alike, we're perfect for eachother, whereas I really didn't see where that was coming from, as I saw us as almost polar opposites, and it helps to hear from a third party, someone who doesn't know nor him nor me, that we are incompatible, as usually people that aren't involved see things more clearly. 

What scares me the most and has been stopping me from having that talkbis that he may ask me what are the reasons why I want to break up and I could tell him again all the things that bother me, but I don't know how to tell him, but not sound like I'm just counting his mistakes, like everything bothers me, because I know his feelings will be hurt and that's what I've been trying to avoid. 

And thank you so much for your encouraging words. 🥰

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1 hour ago, Milica32 said:

This post may be a bit long, thanks to whoever reads it and possibly gives me advice or any comment

So, I'm 23 yo and last summer for the first time in my life I got a boyfriend. I was never really interested in dating not even last summer, but I just went with his flow and we ended up becoming a couple. And summer was great, we had so much fun, but at the end of August came time to get back to being serious and go back tu studying for college. That's the time we really started to get to know each other. 

Also, he's almost two years younger than me, so I understand that he's more childish, but still, years don't mean much.

We both have same hometown, and I'm there during summer, but we also study in another city (same as well) and since mid August I'm there and rarely come home, whereas he's at our hometown, just sometimes comes here to listen lectures and take tests. 

Now, I may not be the easiest person to deal with, I'm someone who makes my own plans and stick to them, I have my daily routine and I don't like anyone disturbing it. When it comes to studies, I'm really serious about it. But other people easily influence me amd the more time I spend with someone, the more of his/hers habits I may pick up. I'm also someone who doesn't know how to express my feelings and most of the time I wouldn't say something about things that are bothering me, just so I wouldn't hurt the other person. Also I'm not used to physical contact, any sort of it, so I can say that I just don't like it and being in a relationship of course leads to it. For short period of time I'm okay with it but only shortly, then I want my own space back. And even when I nicely tell him that, and ask him to give me some space, he doesn't do it, cause he likes it. 

I should say that I'm probably asexual, I do want romantic relationship, but anything sexual just makes me close myself more. Now, I did want to talk to him about that, to explain it to him, to ask him to give me some time and space when I ask for it, but as he doesn't really support LGBTQA+ community I didn't know how to do it. So I asked my older sister for advice and she told me that I should wait, that I can't just tell him that, that it's not fair to him. So I didn't talk to him about it,thinking that I'll do it when the right time comes. 

To get back to the story. I said what I thought may be the most important about me, now come the things about him that bother me. 

He's really irresponsible, about almost everything, about his studies, about other people's time (he's late 90% of the time). I have an impression that he lives to sleep. He works as a waiter in cafe, mainly being second shift. He would sleep until he has 30 minutes before shis shift, as he works from 13.30, he'd get up at 13.00. And I'm someone who gets up at 06.30, so he's not there for me to talk to him, to tell him if something happend, or if I'm home, to go out and spend time together. During work he's almost always online, as he's bored and wants someone to entertain him, whereas I have my own responsibilities about college at that time, that are really important to me, but I still make time to answer his texts. But after finishing with work and getting home, he's off the grid. He doesn't reply my texts for few hours and when he finally does, it's usually time when get ready for bed. And what was he doing during the time he wasn't answering, nothing important, watching TV, playing games or he accidentally fell asleep.... I don't expect him to answer my texts seconds after I send them, but is it too much to just say you won't be able to answer me after getting home, because of that and that.?

There would also be times when he'd dissappear in the middle of our conversation and come back hours later, answering my text like I just sent it. 

Also, he doesn't work on Sunday, but he doesn't exist almost whole day. He'd sleep until 14.00 at best, but there were many situations when he'd get up after 17.00.

For some reason I'm irritated when others are carefree and irresponsible about their own responsibilities, why, I don't know, but I'm just that way. 

There's already way too much to read, so I'll try to just write the rest as notes. 

He sometimes goes out with his friends and just sends me a photo without any context, an I don't know what to reply because way too many times I feel like I'm interrogating him, when I really don't want to be doing that. But he never tells me anything unless I ask, and I have to be specific with my questions or he won't get what information I want to hear. He also never tells me about his plans, which is especially annoying when his plans include me and my time, but he thinks it's completely alright to tell me that when there's less then a day, like I couldn't have made other plans. So I have to try and predict what he's plans could be and leave my time free... 

Also, he talks a LOT, but he never tells important things, and I find them later from his friend or when he mentions them on another conversation days later. 

But, he talks to his parents and his brother about everything, and when I say everything, I mean, I'm just waiting to hear that he told someone of them how many times we kissed when we saw each other. He has no filter what to say to who, he tells everyone everything. Maybe I've never been in a relationship before, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it should be. 

Most of the time it's me who sends texts firs, but I gave up on that as there is no point in sending message to someone who's going to sleep for who knows how many more hours. So sometimes the whole day would pass without any sort of communication between us. And honestly I don't really care, I go about my day normally. 

The problem is that I think about it, should I send something, should I call (but he's probably at work now), why won't he sometimes send something firs. 

And all of this became extremely mentally tiring to me. We've been together for 8 months, and just first 4 months I can say I truly enjoyed this relationship. But the last 4 months have been so tiring. That's probably when all small things accumulated and I start thinking about breaking up. 

It may be a bit hard to understand, because I really don't know how to explain properly, but I've been feeling like I'm losing myself. 

I had problems with my mental health (depression and anxiety) and it took me a long time to feel good and content with myself, to put myself, my needs first and now I'm feeling like all those years of working hard are just crumbling before my eyes. 

I feel like I'm giving way too much of my time to him, to time thinking about different possibilities and scenarios connected to him. 

And I really don't know what to do. 

When I first started having negative thoughts about this I tried talking to my sister, but she told me I'm too dramatic, that everything bothers me. So, I didn't talk about it anymore, with anyone. Until last month, when I finally talked to one person who's been there for me for last two years, to give me advice and help me be at peace with myself. I'd often think of that person as my therapist, even though that's not the case. 

And that's the first time someone said I do have right to feel annoyed by all these things, and that I should feel like that, because those are not small things in a relationship. And that I'm right for wanting to break up. That's when I understood that I feel like I'm enduring this relationship and that that shouldn't be a case. 

After our talk I was sure I want to break up, I just didn't know how to do it. Days passed, but with each day my determination was smaller and smaller and I came to solution that I don't actually want to break up, that I should try having a long talk with him. Even though I feel like he never listens to what I'm saying or he just doesn't care about it. 

While having the idea of talking to him I came to my hometown for dad's birthday. We saw each other three days ago, but we were with friend. And after meeting him, spending time with him I understood that we could talk all we want, that's not it, this won't last. 

So, now I'm sure I want to break up, but I have no idea how to do it. I don't want to stall, as it'll just make me suffer more, I also feel like it's not fair to him. But I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

I've been thinking about this for past three days and my head has been hurting like crazy, but I have no idea how these things work. 

So I thank you for reading this till the end, some parts may be confusing as I wrote ačl the things that came to my mind at the moment. 

I just hope that someone will be able to tell me what to do, how to do it. 

Thanks in advance 💙

To be realistic you will both hurt from a break up so try not to expect otherwise. Beyond that is liberation and a chance to refocus. You’ve put a lot of thought into this which is good. Keep the break up simple. If you’re doing it in person, plan ahead so that you have a friend or someone to accompany you home or be with afterwards. Leave shortly after. If you’re doing it over the phone, stay busy and put your phone away after the call is over. 

You’re both living very different lives. It’s ok to move on.

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15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

To be realistic you will both hurt from a break up so try not to expect otherwise. Beyond that is liberation and a chance to refocus. You’ve put a lot of thought into this which is good. Keep the break up simple. If you’re doing it in person, plan ahead so that you have a friend or someone to accompany you home or be with afterwards. Leave shortly after. If you’re doing it over the phone, stay busy and put your phone away after the call is over. 

You’re both living very different lives. It’s ok to move on.

Thank you so, so much, this was really helpful ❤️

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If its something that you want to do, just do it. Messages and phone are too "depersonalized", say that you need to talk to him and talk in person. Public place brings less noise. Just be straight, say the old "Its not you, its me" and say that you need to focus on other stuff. There is no need to go into big details that would go and complicate everything.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

If its something that you want to do, just do it. Messages and phone are too "depersonalized", say that you need to talk to him and talk in person. Public place brings less noise. Just be straight, say the old "Its not you, its me" and say that you need to focus on other stuff. There is no need to go into big details that would go and complicate everything.

Thanks, I'll try just that, as going into detail is what I was afraid of, but now I see that that's not something I'm obligated to do 😊

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I think the main problem is that you and your boyfriend are just too different. For a relationship to work I think you need to have similar values and goals and unfortunately you don't have that. You study hard and I'm guessing you're doing that because you want a good career. Your boyfriend doesn't seem career oriented and is happy working as a waiter. 

You seem to like routine and order, but your boyfriend is a "free spirit".  He just goes with the flow and does what he wants.  He doesn't have any routine at all.

You said he's not accepting of the GLBTIQA+ community, and you are asexual and identify as part of this community.

You are completely different, chalk and cheese. Also he doesn't seem to want to give much of his time or effort to you to begin with.

You're quite right, this isn't what a relationship is supposed to be like.

Edited by Tinydance
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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think the main problem is that you and your boyfriend are just too different. For a relationship to work I think you need to have similar values and goals and unfortunately you don't have that. You study hard and I'm guessing you're doing that because you want a good career. Your boyfriend doesn't seem career oriented and is happy working as a waiter. 

You seem to like routine and order, but your boyfriend is a "free spirit".  He just goes with the flow and does what he wants.  He doesn't have any routine at all.

You said he's not accepting of the GLBTIQA+ community, and you are asexual and identify as part of this community.

You are completely different, chalk and cheese. Also he doesn't seem to want to give much of his time or effort to you to begin with.

You're quite right, this isn't what a relationship is supposed to be like.

You summed up everything so well that even by just reading your comment I can see that we're so different, and that the saying "opposites attact" is not right at all. 

Thank you, really, every comment, every different view helps me so much ❤️

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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think the main problem is that you and your boyfriend are just too different. For a relationship to work I think you need to have similar values and goals and unfortunately you don't have that. You study hard and I'm guessing you're doing that because you want a good career. Your boyfriend doesn't seem career oriented and is happy working as a waiter. 

I second this.

Sounds like you're just not meshing as you should by now.

You are more precise in your studies and how you roll ( with your time etc).

And yeah, he's still immature at this age in a young mans life, he isn't for you - right?

I'd be honest & say, sorry this is not working out and I need to turn my focus to my studies at this time.

And just be done. Focus on you is fine 😉 .  In time you'll come to meet someone decent who IS more compatible with you.

 

 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

I second this.

Sounds like you're just not meshing as you should by now.

You are more precise in your studies and how you roll ( with your time etc).

And yeah, he's still immature at this age in a young mans life, he isn't for you - right?

I'd be honest & say, sorry this is not working out and I need to turn my focus to my studies at this time.

And just be done. Focus on you is fine 😉 .  In time you'll come to meet someone decent who IS more compatible with you.

 

Much appreciated for your encouraging words. It means so much to me to hear that the problem is not in me and to feel supported 🥰

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