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Hi everyone,

I came here via Google and I'm just looking to describe my story and have some third-party input.

On the side: life has been very, very hard and up to this day I'm experiencing difficulties with emotions (especially intimacy), for which I have been seeing multiple therapists since four years ago.

I have been diagnosed with autism, have suffered drug addiction for multiple years, have trouble reading and understanding other people's emotions and definitely experience difficulties with mine from time to time.

My childhood has been ***ed up in every possible way with my father dying at a very young age and my mother passing away at young age, with all the years in between being filled with all kinds of misery, trauma and emotional abuse.

After my mother died, I made some wrong decisions and ended up living a cocaine-addicted lifestyle with lots of attachments issues, lies and general escapism.

Four years ago I suffered a penile fracture, which shattered my (sexual) confidence and left me in a deep, dark place.

Up until december 2021, I just couldn't get over the depression which came with the side-effects (Peyronie's, venous leak, etc.) of this event.

I consider myself a relatively good-looking young man, tall, muscular, and I do get the feeling alot of women show me signs of interest.

And when I do have this feeling, I automatically neglect the attention, become distant and avoid any kind of contact/intimacy.

So one day I decided to visit this woman - a sex-worker.

 

Story:

It was a sunny day in december and I really felt I needed to get rid of this sexual urge which I experience from time to time.

That's when I decided to visit a sex-worker in the local red-light district and with a relatively open mind, trying not to worry about all the problems.

That's where I visited P: a good-looking young lady, who seemed quite sharp, yet somehow seemed uneager to share alot of details about herself, and made me forget about all the the (sexual) hurdles which stuck in my head for multiple years.

For the first time, since a long time, I experienced sex in the way where one can just immerse into the experience, without overthinking; instead of blocking the good feelings, due to overthinking.

She somehow made experience the exact opposite of all my fears and anxieties.

After the deed, she sat there, looking unhappy, which made me doubt as to whether she's practicing this profession by choice or not...

 

Ever since then I got this strange kind of attachment in which she's the only person with whom I can enjoy sexual activity.

I tried comparing it with other sex-workers, and somehow P is the only one for whom I feel authentic desire; leaving me quite indifferent to other women.

That's when I visited her for the second time, did the deed and exchanged numbers with her.

However, it just doesn't feel right visiting her, have this small-talk in which she keeps most of herself a secret (boundaries which I don't want to force), to do the deed and just leave afterwards.

 

Now, some days ago I was out with my brother we had alot to drink, and when I'm drunk I automatically start craving cocaine - this is a vulnerability which I have to be careful with as I can easily become to old, addicted me again.

I ended up ordering cocaine, visiting her under influence and asking her whether the secrets are a thing of protection and/or privacy.

She told me she might tell me something about her holiday later.

In failing to communicate my wishes of also talking a little besides the sex, I asked her what the prices for more time are, over which she seemed to be lying.

She lowered her prices two times but somehow still tried asking more than the prices communicated on my first visit.

I was high on cocaine, filled with doubts are to whether it's really a good idea to trust her and try getting closer to her (knowing I might be nothing more than a walking bag of cash for her), and just did the deed.

After the deed, she acted quite warm and decided to share some private information.

Only for me to distrust her and, without realizing what I'm actually saying, neglecting her statements and asking her the following (rather stupid) questions:

"Why do you do this line of work?" - Money, ofcourse.

"Is it difficult to deal with the emotions?" - To see her instantly become angry, and have her start shouting about all those men who visit her and ... (never finishing her sentence); filled with massive anger and disgust.

So far for the personal sharing and 'better vibes'...

She told me I can always stay longer, if I bring more money, and I objected to the price (not stating that she initially mentioned other prices and that I also feel like talking for some extra time) with her, still angry, complaining about the prices she has to pay for being able to work in such a place.

I left the place with her trying to conceal her anger and me, well, kissing her goodbye, to leave the place feeling stupid and asking myself why I have to keep doing these kind of things.

Somehow I always seem to end up achieving exact the opposite thing than what I really want.

I'm having trouble understanding what I really want and even more communicating clearly what I need and feel.

 

Concerning her:

I don't feel in love with her, but I do somehow feel some kind of wish to get closer (as described).

It's as if I want to fall in love her.

I've thought about asking her out, but somehow feel conflicted due to the fact that I'm simply a client, and she probably experienced stuff like this before.

Something inside wants to keep visiting her; something tells me this isn't a good idea to begin with.

Something tells me the reality is the transaction; something doesn't want to feel that way and wants more.

More what?

I don't really know... Intimacy I guess... connection

 

So, basically I feel some kind of wish to get closer to this person and maybe start sharing some of the details of my life which I can't share with other women, because I have massive walls around myself.

I have two female therapists with whom I can talk about these issues, but these interactions can't be compared...

I don't feel embarrased or ashamed, but I do always feel as if I'm the reason interactions with other people are bad, that I'm unlovable and that people are justified in not wanting anything to do with me.

 

I just had to get this of my chest, any feedback is welcome.

Thank you for reading.

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36 minutes ago, Fhv11 said:

I tried comparing it with other sex-workers. That's when I visited her for the second time, did the deed and exchanged numbers with her.

when I'm drunk I automatically start craving cocaine - I ended up ordering cocaine, visiting her under influence.

Are prostitution and cocaine legal where you are? If not, get into detox/rehab. If you haven't been to jail yet, you will be if you keep up your bad habits.

 A judge won't care about your autism/mental health considering all this debauchery. What you're doing is illegal and self-destructive, plain and simple.

Edited by Wiseman2
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As long as you keep visiting sex workers that fulfilment from real friendship won’t be there. You’re paying someone and it’s a transaction. It’s not unusual to protect themselves.

Consider yourself and your issues. They are grossly unqualified to deal with your personal issues or mental health and yet are putting up with it to earn money. There’s an imbalance there and you’re expecting friendship on top of that. 

My advice is to stop visiting them altogether and start loving yourself and accepting yourself as you are now. We all change with time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse with age or wear and tear.

Meet people at socials and meet ups in your city based on shared hobbies for example. Develop and nurture real friendships with people and remember to love yourself. I don’t think you love yourself enough.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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This prostitute sees you as a source of income. Probably half her clients try to start some kind of relationship with her. She is not the answer to your issues but rather another symptom of them.

Do your therapists know about your use of alcohol and illegal narcotics? Do they know about this prostitute you're purchasing services from? They can't help you if you're dishonest or hiding things from them, so I hope you are being 100% transparent with them.

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On 3/4/2022 at 9:56 AM, Fhv11 said:

I don't feel embarrased or ashamed, but I do always feel as if I'm the reason interactions with other people are bad, that I'm unlovable and that people are justified in not wanting anything to do with me.

Well, that's sad that you feel that way.

I don't know how you interact with other people. But if people are actively avoiding you, it's probably because of something you are doing. 

This could be it:

On 3/4/2022 at 9:56 AM, Fhv11 said:

I do get the feeling alot of women show me signs of interest.

And when I do have this feeling, I automatically neglect the attention, become distant and avoid any kind of contact/intimacy.

You sound pretty overwhelmed by life in general. Therapy is probably a good thing, but I wonder if seeing 'multiple therapists' is overcomplicating things for you. Perhaps choose one and stick with her/him.

On 3/4/2022 at 9:56 AM, Fhv11 said:

After the deed, she sat there, looking unhappy, which made me doubt as to whether she's practicing this profession by choice or not...

In all likelihood, it's probably not her career of choice. They get started very young, it's all they know, and they get stuck in that life because they deserve it. She might show up for work voluntarily now, but I doubt think she's living the dream. I don't think any girl grows up hoping to be a prostitute.

On 3/4/2022 at 9:56 AM, Fhv11 said:

Something inside wants to keep visiting her; something tells me this isn't a good idea to begin with.

I think you're letting your penis drive the car.

Having a successful sexual experience means that you had a successful sexual experience.

Nothing more.

It's physical intimacy, and shouldn't be confused for or conflated with other types of intimacy.

Yes, there are emotions, probably sadness and tragedy and sympathy. And maybe you relate to those things and that empathy gives you a sense of connection. But it's not the same as the intimacy and connection that you're craving.

Stop with the drugs. You know they hurt you. If getting drunk leads to cocaine, stop getting drunk. I'd bet money (and I don't bet) that more than half of your problems are substance abuse related. You already have trouble with emotional connections and intimacy. Substance abuse makes this even worse. It may make you feel better in the moment, but it's making everything worse in the long run.

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What kind of therapy are you receiving? I know for sure anyone with addiction to a drug is also to avoid other things such as alcohol. Why are you drinking? Why are you not contacting your sponsor if you get a craving? Why are you not attending meetings?

So I'm guessing you have Asperger's syndrome. There's good treatment/therapy out there to help others, like yourself in order to navigate social cues. 

As for this sex worker, You have np knowing she gets angry when you ask questions so your condition can't be that difficult. BTW that's your cue to stop doing it. Anger means don't go there/stop what you are doing. As for her lying about price...she is told to do that by her pimp. She has to keep business coming in, and make the most amount she can or she gets beat. That's her world, and what she does and why is none of your business. You are stepping out of bounds.

You need to get more serious about therapy or locating proper therapy. You are going in a direction of self destruction, and disillusion. Coming to a website like this here is not the place you should be seeking help and I say this out of great concern for you.

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First of all: thank you for reading and all the advice/insights.

After writing everything out, I felt less confused and a little more at ease with this current state of affairs.

On 3/4/2022 at 4:20 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Are prostitution and cocaine legal where you are? If not, get into detox/rehab. If you haven't been to jail yet, you will be if you keep up your bad habits.

 A judge won't care about your autism/mental health considering all this debauchery. What you're doing is illegal and self-destructive, plain and simple.

The first one is tolerated, the second one ain't.

Rehab is a possibility I like to keep as a last-resort.

On 3/4/2022 at 4:25 PM, Rose Mosse said:

As long as you keep visiting sex workers that fulfilment from real friendship won’t be there. You’re paying someone and it’s a transaction. It’s not unusual to protect themselves.

Consider yourself and your issues. They are grossly unqualified to deal with your personal issues or mental health and yet are putting up with it to earn money. There’s an imbalance there and you’re expecting friendship on top of that. 

My advice is to stop visiting them altogether and start loving yourself and accepting yourself as you are now. We all change with time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse with age or wear and tear.

Meet people at socials and meet ups in your city based on shared hobbies for example. Develop and nurture real friendships with people and remember to love yourself. I don’t think you love yourself enough.

Thank you.

This is the exact thing my reasoning keeps telling me, as I kept getting in conflict with my emotions.

Having someone else emphasize these facts always helps!

On 3/4/2022 at 7:51 PM, boltnrun said:

This prostitute sees you as a source of income. Probably half her clients try to start some kind of relationship with her. She is not the answer to your issues but rather another symptom of them.

Do your therapists know about your use of alcohol and illegal narcotics? Do they know about this prostitute you're purchasing services from? They can't help you if you're dishonest or hiding things from them, so I hope you are being 100% transparent with them.

Having admitted this debauchery to a close friend of mine and you people, I do feel empowered enough to admit these new facts.

Alcohol and drugs are as transparent as they can get - and looking back at where I came from I can only tell that alot progress has already been made.

One of the hardest aspects of addiction the fact that you always have to be on guard, know your triggers and be able to tell the difference between reality and fictionalized memories - e.g. your brain telling you to do it one more time, making you remember a false positive experience, only to have you dwell in the same misery after using.

The prostitution-theme, well, somehow I'm not really eager to admit all this. But, it's clear that it's a necessary step to make in the healing proces.

11 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, there are emotions, probably sadness and tragedy and sympathy. And maybe you relate to those things and that empathy gives you a sense of connection. But it's not the same as the intimacy and connection that you're craving.

 

Stop with the drugs. You know they hurt you. If getting drunk leads to cocaine, stop getting drunk. I'd bet money (and I don't bet) that more than half of your problems are substance abuse related. You already have trouble with emotional connections and intimacy. Substance abuse makes this even worse. It may make you feel better in the moment, but it's making everything worse in the long run.

This.

Especially the fact that I wondered as to whether or not she does think about building another kind of life, with things being better for her.

The joke and irony are on me, as I'm unable to do that for myself.

Somehow it's as if I want to relate to the sadness, tragedy and feel that sympathy, giving me this false sense of connection, only to be able justify my own life that way.

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

What kind of therapy are you receiving? I know for sure anyone with addiction to a drug is also to avoid other things such as alcohol. Why are you drinking? Why are you not contacting your sponsor if you get a craving? Why are you not attending meetings?

Drug-related and Autism-related-therapy.

Most of the time I drink is when I lose guard, and fail to recognize my own cues; which is a one-way-ticket to a personality change.

As good as every setback with alcohol (and all other consequences) are related to meeting up with others, going there with the best intentions, leaving in a state of carelessness.

Contacting my sponsor is next to impossible as the decision to drink is made in a matter of seconds (e.g. at a bar, when talking to a waiter).

 

Anyway, even though I may not have written this out at the right website, I'm grateful for the responses.

Tomorrow will be the day the prostitution topic get's discussed at my therapist.

 

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Get another sponsor. They are supposed to be at the ready anytime 24/7. That's their call of duty. And if you are thinking of GOING or on your way to a bar, that's when you call them because you shouldn't be going there in the first place. When meeting up with someone you should be going to a coffee shop or the like where liquor is not sold. This should be relayed to family and friends. You still have a long way to go my dear.

Edited by smackie9
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