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I feel confused for the future


Yelena
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Hey, I was dating this guy in his late 30's for around 3 months, I am a really caring person and when we first started dating he didn't feel very well, had headaches, sinus pressure, fatigue, loss of balance/coordination, etc., but he still wanted to hang out with me despite his very busy schedule. His condition persisted and despite two rounds of antibiotics for what doctors thought was a bacterial sinus infection he never felt better, I'm a worrier, that's just what I do, I tend to smother people (like a mom) when they get sick - I didn't do that with him because I understand guys honestly like to be alone when they don't feel very good. 

 

Anyways he usually responds to my text everyday, except over this past weekend he didn't because he had to get a CT scan. I asked how his CT scan went on Monday where he sent me this semi-long text about the results (it's a serious cervical spinal condition that will require surgery), and how I deserve better and how he isn't in a position to date right now (b/c he's really strange about illnesses because of something that happened in the past) and that we can just be friends. He told me I also have things to figure out (which is true) and that it's just bad timing with everything we've got going on in our lives. 

 

I am an understanding person, so I said I'd be friends and to text if he needs anything. It just makes me a little sad though, I thought there was potential? Because the week before he told me how he was attracted to me, thought I was sweet and would hate to make me feel bad or used, this is just a total 360, but I know it's because of the condition he's in and how busy he works (15 hrs a day some days), I don't think he has the capacity. I still want to be around him... I can't shake the feeling he'll eventually maybe want to continue things again, it's just that the situation isn't good right now. What should I do? Or rather, what advice do you guys have on this? Stay and support him as a friend or slowly phase him out of my life and focus on myself? 

 

But also... I know I cannot wait around and find out. I really don't want to let him go but it's so hard, I want to be there and support him but if he ends up dating someone else I'll feel crushed. Any feedback is appreciated. (If you want to direct message me I can show you the text he sent me for more clarity) 

 

TLDR: Guy I'm seeing got diagnosed with a serious medical condition, told me he is no position to date even though things seemed to be going well. Says "we can be friends" but I don't know if there's anything that will happen in the future.

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22 minutes ago, Yelena said:

Hey, I was dating this guy in his late 30's for around 3 months. he sent me this semi-long text about the results  and how I deserve better and how he isn't in a position to date right now

Sorry this is happening. All you can do is delete and block him. At 12 weeks dating he is stating he does not want to date (medical reason/whatever reason).

 Try not to jump in this fast and furious into a dating situation. Dating is not nursing or social work. It's to get to know each other to see if there is a good fit.

Edited by Wiseman2
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46 minutes ago, Yelena said:

Hey, I was dating this guy in his late 30's for around 3 months, I am a really caring person and when we first started dating he didn't feel very well, had headaches, sinus pressure, fatigue, loss of balance/coordination, etc., but he still wanted to hang out with me despite his very busy schedule. His condition persisted and despite two rounds of antibiotics for what doctors thought was a bacterial sinus infection he never felt better, I'm a worrier, that's just what I do, I tend to smother people (like a mom) when they get sick - I didn't do that with him because I understand guys honestly like to be alone when they don't feel very good. 

 

 

 

"It's not you, it's me"   "Let's be friends"  "I have some things to figure out and it's bad timing"

All the classic lines to let you know he's not into you.  I am sorry, but don't wait for this guy.    If he comes around at another time, then reconsider.  But between now and then don't give him another thought.  3 months is a classic timeline to know whether or not this is a relationship someone wants to continue.  If he was interested, he wouldn't risk losing you, no matter what's going on in his life.

I am not sure why you shared the parts about being a worrier, mothering and smothering, yet say you resisted doing it this time despite this man having some health issues and other challenges going on.  Are you sure you didn't do a dialed down version of this?  Doing this early on will be interpreted as you trying to insert yourself as an insta-girlfriend.  And men don't want to date their mothers.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I'm just too caring, I be smothering to someone I just found on the side of the road. I hate feeling rejected and abandoned, that's how I feel. It's really ***ing with my mental health, I wish he actually liked me instead of wasting my time. It sucks so bad 

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Just now, Yelena said:

I think I smothered him a bit but I just wanted him to know what I cared about him and that if needed anything I'd be here for him. 

If "smothering" people hasn't worked for you, why do you keep doing it?

And don't say "I can't help it!" or "It's just the way I am!" You can help it. Just hold back when you are tempted to send multiple messages or offer to "help" or repeatedly tell someone you're "there for" them or that you "care" about them. Doing this makes it all about you and pacifying your anxiety rather than a genuine offer to help.

Most people are perfectly able to ask for help when they need it. Make the offer once, then leave it at that.

As for this man, he has told you what's up. Whether or not you want it that way, you have to respect his wishes. We can't force anyone to be in a relationship with us.

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17 minutes ago, Yelena said:

I'm just too caring, I be smothering to someone I just found on the side of the road. I hate feeling rejected and abandoned, that's how I feel. It's really ***ing with my mental health, I wish he actually liked me instead of wasting my time. It sucks so bad 

You seem like a very nice person.  But unfortunately, there is a part of what you are doing that primarily serves you and not the other person.  Your caregiving has an agenda and it's not entirely altruistic.  You just mentioned you hate feeling rejected. Your caregiving may come from a place of insecurity and wanting something in return.  Something to think about it. 

When the receiver senses this, it makes them feel indebted and uncomfortable.  It's not how to start a relationship.  Doing this actually makes you a target for someone who could take advantage of you.

You do this by choice.  Give this some thought. . .

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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1 hour ago, Yelena said:

I tend to smother people (like a mom) when they get sick - I didn't do that with him because I understand guys honestly like to be alone when they don't feel very good. 

This is so confusing.  Good parents don't smother. Maybe in sitcom tv shows they do.  

And people who want to help a friend try to figure out what that friend needs in terms of help - and don't generalize or rely on stereotypes about "guys" - I think you did this for yourself mostly - you wanted him to want to be with you and you assumed that if you took charge and "smothered" he'd want you more -he'd need you more.  You knew him a short time and made all these assumptions. 

You're not "too caring" -you're too absorbed in this notion of "I'm sooooo caring and to show that I assume he wants me to smother him and be there all the time and make him soup and rub his feet and keep asking him what else I can do and get his favorite toiletries so he doesn't have to go shopping and and and" - A person who is so caring cares about what the other person really wants and needs and sometimes a person needs space.  Sometimes a person just needs someone to check in and sometimes a person needs to see other friends or family members without the new person they are dating around.

Sure partly it was nice of you to want to be helpful and supportive but the way you showed it likely overwhelmed him and turned him off (maybe he did want to be alone but was afraid to tell you and offend you since you were doing so much for him).  

He doesn't want to date you.  You want to date him.  Therefore a friendship is not going to work because when he feels better he'll want to date again and you'll have to hear about it -because that's what friends chat about - among other things.  I'd move along and maybe check in in a few months to see how he is doing - but not with any ulterior motive.  I am sorry it didn't work out.

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I'm not sure what's the hurry for a relationship. You seem very agitated and frustrated so I suggest you don't remain friends. I don't think you're able to at this time as you want something more from him so desperately that it's clouding you or preventing you from being a friend. 

Let go then and move on with your life. 

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2 hours ago, Yelena said:

I'm just too caring, I be smothering to someone I just found on the side of the road. 

Your compassion and empathy are wonderful characteristics. Perhaps a career or side job in such an area would fulfill those needs. As well, consider volunteering. 

You can care about people without smothering anyone. 

However dating is about finding interested, compatible, equal partners who want what you want.

Whatever his situation whether it's sinus problems, neck problems or whatever is not relevant. What's more relevant is the unavailability and using a plethora of medical stories to ditch out of dating.

Frankly, you may have dodged a bullet if he is a hypochondriac or insincere in general.

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4 hours ago, Yelena said:

Stay and support him as a friend or slowly phase him out of my life and focus on myself? 

The latter. 

It's only been three months and while you really liked him, it's nowhere near enough to try to hang on for someone who is backing away. He is trying to be kind about it but I don't get the impression he actually wants you to support him through this. My guess is that this is not entirely about his medical problems, because we also have this: 

4 hours ago, Yelena said:

He told me I also have things to figure out

What is he referring to? 

4 hours ago, Yelena said:

the week before he told me how he was attracted to me, thought I was sweet and would hate to make me feel bad or used

And what was this in repsonse to? 

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11 hours ago, Yelena said:

I hate feeling rejected and abandoned, that's how I feel. It's really ***ing with my mental health, I wish he actually liked me instead of wasting my time.

Honestly, was not a whole lot of time wasted. was 12 weeks- and in this time, someone should know whether they feel it.. or not..... but I understand, you were hurt.

So then you do NOT agree as 'friends', so you can work on letting go & moving on.  We can't be friends with an ex if we still have 'feelings'. Just be done.

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Sounds like you're lacking in self-esteem, subconsciously thinking your over-the-top catering to their needs is sort of like buying their love, since you're not good enough otherwise.

You're not thinking about your own needs and what you deserve. When you barely know someone and aren't in love, why would you choose to date someone who works 15 hour days and wouldn't have time to be a regular companion to you? You're single, I imagine with a big pool of men around to pick and choose from, so why would you settle? Are you accepting of any man who happens to pay attention to you? Have you ever mentally made a wish list of who your ideal partner is?

22 hours ago, Yelena said:

and how I deserve better and how he isn't in a position to date right now

Always take what a person says at face value. If he's saying you deserve better, then take that as the absolute truth. Don't stay friends, because when you date a new man, he won't appreciate you being in contact with a man you would've stayed with if he hadn't pulled the plug. Do not hold out for hope that once he feels better, you two will get back together. You need to have closure so you can move on. Hold out for the guy who can get together with you 2 or 3 times a week, and not be exhausted with outrageously long work weeks.

Read some books on how to boost your self-esteem, and you will likely be more successful in the dating world.

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