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In love with someone I shouldn’t be…  

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So, I’m basically in love with someone but it’s a complicated situation.

He has been very flirty with me at various times. Being dense, I just wasn’t sure if I was reading him right, so I mostly didn’t respond very much. At various times he put a hand on my knee, started hugging me, rubbed my back (during a hug), caressed my hand gently (when comforting me), gave me lots of compliments, told me he enjoys my company, touched my cheek lovingly, etc. etc.

At the time I was confused, but when I put that all together I think he likes me. Don’t you think?? I mean, is there any chance I am wrong?

But then again, his behavior can be very confusing. He runs a little hot and cold. Also, he is my medical doctor. Yes, crazy, I know, but I am telling the truth about his behavior towards me.

One time, he even said, “you can be my tour guide” when he goes to a city where I used to live...! 

But since then he has cooled it down a little. I can’t tell if he’s thought better of things (because he is my doctor) or if he has no idea how I feel about him.

He gives me butterflies. I think about him ALL of the time. I just can't figure out how to get past doctor-patient boundaries. I mean, I have no way to even contact him. And I'm not absolutely certain he is interested.

What do you think he is intending with me? Could he just be acting like this with all of his female patients? What response is he looking for?

I told him I could help him plan his trip (hint hint) but I haven’t heard from him since that (the last time I saw him his staff had summoned me to the office for a special exam I supposedly qualified for).

Anyway, where the HECK can I go from here? Why can’t I be better at flirting? I think I am blocked because I am so shy if I like someone. Like, terribly, terribly shy. By the way, this situation has been going on like this for several years. It's really hard on me to feel these feelings so strongly but to feel like there's no easy way to act on them. (I usually wait for guys to ask ME out but obviously he can't so I'm just not sure what to do.)

Edited by Devor
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22 minutes ago, Devor said:

Why can’t I be better at flirting? this situation has been going on like this for several years. It's really hard on me to feel these feelings so strongly but to feel like there's no easy way to act on them. 

What  kind of doctor is he and how often are your visits?

It's inappropriate for you to come on to him or for him to come on to you. However having a crush on a healthcare provider is quite common.

Are you trying to imply sexual inappropriateness? Or are you fantasizing that he is making passes at you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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He sounds questionable as a doctor and you seem extremely vulnerable interpreting this as any form of flattery or flirting. I wouldn’t proceed with anything as most of it sounds like small talk to keep you at ease especially if you seem nervous and tense. 

Are you ill with an ongoing condition? I’d switch clinics immediately if he keeps touching or hugging you inappropriately. Make sure you’re getting a second opinion regarding your health. 

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It's unethical for him to cross that line with you and he may be at risk of losing his license.

I don't know what his intentions are but nothing good will come of this.   When you matched his level of familiarity, he stepped back and rechecked the situation.  That's all you need to know.

google transference and infatuation doctor/patient relationship.  It's not entirely uncommon.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Agree totally with what everyone else wrote.  Please switch doctors ASAP because if you ever have a true health concern you want someone who you've been going to for a good amount of time if at all possible.  He is biased, unethical and inappropriate.

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No no.. Nothing of this is healthy.

No, your doctor should NOT be acting so inappropriately with a patient! So, no invites, no touching, nothing.

And if this has been ongoing for 'years', he's got nothing for you and is most likely acting same way with a few others.

Avoid and stay away - this spells disaster. So let go of the fantasy and find a real & professional who's got some respect!


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It does sound predatory.... on the other hand, my chiropractor is like this. It made me uncomfortable when I first started going to him. That was 8 or 9 years ago and I am now totally comfortable with him. I can totally see my chiropractor doing some of the things you've described here, and with zero ulterior motive. But I also know for a fact that he is like that with all of his patients (young, old, male, female) because he comes out and interacts with people in the hallway. He's just a quirky sort of guy and I've grown to really like him.

Even though I felt a little uncomfortable when I first went to my chiropractor, I never felt vulnerable--I knew I was personally capable of telling him to take a hike and capable of making him do it--and I certainly wasn't in love with him. I think that you, Devor, are in a vulnerable (and thus bad) position because you are infatuated with your doctor. You are not thinking clearly and probably won't make good choices. I can't tell if this is miscommunication or if he is behaving inappropriately. Either way, I think the best thing is for you to stop being his patient because it is considered unethical for a doctor to become romantically involved with a patient.

Edited by Jibralta
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