Timing up orgasms

[tinkerbell_79]

I'm trying to figure something out...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about half a year and have been sexually active for most of that time. I feel like we have a good sex life. I enjoy it; I look forward to it and I know the same is true for him.

 

The problem is, good sex is kind of new to me. I was not a virgin when we started dating but I had never really enjoyed it before. So I feel like he's kind of got the edge on me because, for him, orgasm is fairly predictable. As you might expect, he almost never comes away from it without reaching climax. Which is probably in part because, for guys, masturbation and sex are very similar.

 

I feel like, for myself, though, that even though I am familiar with masturbation, and I feel like I can pretty efficiently get myself off on my own in a number of different ways (that have not ever really involved any objects, by the way) that it's a lot harder for me to predict what is going to get me there and how quickly.

 

It's not that I blanketly expect that every single time I have sex it will end in orgasm (even just occasionally is pretty cool, I think, and sometimes I feel like the sex itself is its own reward). Where this becomes a problem though is that I think it causes him a lot of stress and frustration. I know that he loves me and he genuinely cares about my happiness but there develops this mixture of conflicting emotions when we start to get mutually close to the finish line.

 

Sometimes it seems like everything lines up perfectly and it's all bliss. But other times, I feel like either he is much more aroused than I am just to start with or I'm just not sure how close I really am. And I'm grappling with this feeling of not wanting to hurt his feelings by just giving him the go-ahead to finish without me (because I know he appreciates it when I can get there), but also not wanting to prolong his frustration when he's really close and having to fight it back if I'm not even sure if I could efficiently get there. And then, of course, the moment I start thinking about it, I start to loose track of where I was going, so to speak.

 

I can be a very cereberal sexual partner at times, I think. Maybe too much. Maybe about everything.

 

It just kind of twists me up a little because I want him to be happy--both in the sense of having a satisfying time and in the sense of being pleased when I get there--but sometimes I'd rather not be so stressed about it. I wish I could just tell him (without hurting his feelings) that I am enjoying his company and enjoying the sex but I don't mind if he gets there without me.

 

Anyone have ideas how to handle this with care and eloquence so that we both can stop stressing out about it so much?

[asdf]

Communication!

[socalguy123]

good, passionate, and dirty pillow talk is a good way to communicate timing...

[Mr Meh]

I agree with you that it seems much easier for the man to get off. I think the biggest problem is that the man is usually done for awhile after he cums, whereas a woman can keep going; thus a kind of race develops in which the woman has to get off first\at the same time. If you're like me at all, it becomes nearly impossible to get off once you start wondering if you will (you basically said as much in your post) An attentive lover (as it seems your bf is) is always concerned that their partner climax and he may feel inadequate if you don't. A gentle explanation about the difference between men and women's orgasmic 'style' and\or an assurance that you still enjoy it even if you don't climax may help to relieve the anxiety. It is not unknown for a woman to finish herself off after or have your partner help you achieve orgasm with tongue or finger afterwards. If you are really concerned about his feelings, even the odd fake orgasm might help alleviate the pressure for him, as long as it doesn't become a crutch. Another thing I've noticed over the years (being an experienced self-lover myself) is that it is really difficult sometimes to accommodate another's technique when you've perfected your own. Explaining to him the things you do to get yourself off and trying not to dwell on the things he's missing may help..

[HajiMaji]

After i orgasm, i will give my female oral sex until she has an orgasm. It would be nice if we could have orgasms at the same time, but until we get that down this works out well because we both are really into it during intercourse. I dont feel bad about having an orgasm first, and she never feels left out. It sucks a little that i dont get to relax and cuddle immediately after orgasm. Its not the best thing to "get to work" right after an oragasm but it really makes everything work

[tinkerbell_79]

Thanks for your help guys.

 

Its not the best thing to "get to work" right after an oragasm but it really makes everything work

 

We do that sometimes but usually once he's come I feel kind of bad about making him work and so it's hard for me to actually come. Not that it's not nice. I guess sometimes I'd just rather let him relax and just snuggle.

 

It's such a catch-22 because I feel like the very fact that he cares if I orgasm makes him such a sweet guy but I worry that it kind of tortures him if I don't and that part of it stresses me out. Which makes it hard for me to get there.

 

I've actually said just about exactly the same stuff I've said here, to him, but I don't actually want to tell him point blank that my fear is of hurting his feelings (by giving him permission to climax without me) because I feel like that implies that I think he's emotionally fragile or something. But there must be some reason I feel this way. And I think maybe sometimes he does come off as a little fragile. Or like he wouldn't accept it if I said I don't mind when I don't.

 

Because the thing is, it seems like the times I am able to come are the times when I'm not really thinking I will or worried about it. Because I can relax. If I go into it with that specifically in mind I usually crap out because I'm so focused on it.

 

Anyway. I'm sure we'll work through it. And one of these days maybe I'll be able to be a little more outspoken about what I need. Or at least be able to understand it myself a little better. Because I think maybe that's what he doesn't quite trust. That when I say that I myself don't quite know what I need from him, that I really mean it. But that that doesn't mean I'm not trying to figure it out.

 

I wonder if I just told him to focus on getting me excited but not so much on whether or not I am going to climax and to just get there whenever he does unless I specifically tell him to hold on. I wonder if he would be offended by that. And if that might keep my mind from taking over and killing my potential orgasm point blank.

 

What do you all think?

[AlleyCat]

I wonder if I just told him to focus on getting me excited but not so much on whether or not I am going to climax and to just get there whenever he does unless I specifically tell him to hold on. I wonder if he would be offended by that. And if that might keep my mind from taking over and killing my potential orgasm point blank.

 

What do you all think?

 

I can definitely sympathize. Sometimes, it's just not worth the effort involved to have an orgasm.

 

First of all, kudos to you for not even considering "faking." I actually did that earlier in my relationship - biggest sexual mistake I ever made.

 

Anyway, do you two talk dirty to each other during sex? Maybe you could try saying something during sex letting him know he can cum.

 

Personally, it's been relatively easy for me to deal with this. So far, I'm only able to have an orgasm when I'm on top. thereforeeee, I'll just subtly let him know I don't want to get on top during sex or I'll change positions if I'm already on top - that's his cue that it's okay for him to finish whenever he's ready.

 

As for your idea, it's definitely worth a try. However, you could run into problems if he's ready to finish while you're still getting there (and it's actually going to happen that time) or if you don't even know that he's about to finish.

 

If you're like me, this should get better in time, so try not to worry too much. Also, make sure you tell him that sex is about much more than that orgasm and that you enjoy sex even if you don't have any orgasm. Above all else, RELAX!!

 

Good luck!

[tinkerbell_79]

Thanks so much for the advice.

 

 

 

Anyway, do you two talk dirty to each other during sex? Maybe you could try saying something during sex letting him know he can cum.

 

I guess I'm kind of shy about this still for whatever reason. Or I feel like if I say anything at all that it will break the moment for me. Like when you first learn to drive a car and it seems terribly complicated to try and switch the radio dial or talk to someone at the same time.

 

 

First of all, kudos to you for not even considering "faking."

 

I've thought about it. But it's really never so miserable that I just can't stand it. And the idea of lying to him about that, essentially, makes me kind of sick to my stomach. For some reason I feel like the bedroom is sacred or something. Like when you're naked and the lights are out you should be able to be totally honest at that time. I just kind of feel like I'm not going to get there, sometimes, before holding it off drives him completely crazy.

 

Above all else, RELAX!!

 

That's really the goal but the whole thing seems to worry him and then it ends up worrying me. Because....well because I'm prone to dramatize things.

 

Anyway, thanks. I appreciate the encouragement.

[TheVindicator]

Orgasm is not required to achieve sexual satisfaction

 

However, if you're so hellbent on the "O"-stimulate your clitoris mid-coitus or have him do it. Have him give you oral first, and then proceed to penile-vaginal sex

[SPark]

Since you have not tried "with objects", try! Orgasm is a continuum, and you may well find some new types of pleasure that will relate better to 2-person sex...there is one toy on link removed I read a review of called the Vibe-a-Guy, I think, that was definitely made for use with a man attached, and which sounded pretty interesting!!

 

These sites are a good place to start if you are shy about wandering down to the local sextoy shop...gee, I love the internet!

 

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[echoxerox]

Very scary. "Mothra"? Do they have a Ghidorah or Godzilla one?