My missing friend is back but pulling away

[BecxyRex]

Hello everyone, some of you might remember that one of my close friends had a mental breakdown and went unresponsive. We were able to talk about it since and she seems to be on the mend. However, the saga continues, and since I’ve gotten such helpful advice here, I want to share recent happenings, because the up and down of it all is kind of throwing me into a tailspin. 

My family and I moved 1.5 hours away and face to face contact with her has been more sparse. We’ve always been in touch via phone almost daily though. My friend has since visited me and we had a great day in my new city. We were planning sleep overs for the kids and other future outings etc. I noticed though that she’s pulled back majorly for a while. Not only in frequency but also quality of conversation. I always attributed it to her mental state right now, but the question was heavily on my mind for a few days, so I asked if I possibly said anything that offended her and that it wasn’t my intention if I did. Told her I hope she continues to heal and that I’m there for her. She assured me that I’m a great friend through it and didn’t offend her. Cool. About an hour later I got a longish text from her basically explaining that it’s going to be harder for us to keep a frequent and close relationship due to distance and that our friendship will have to change without regular play dates or other things we’d do where we would see each other. Ooff. Ok…. It threw me for a loop a bit. Her pulling back then seemed a bit more calculated, where before I thought it might’ve just simply her trying to get through the day.

Our experiences as people are vastly different. I’m from a foreign country (live in the states now) and have maintained long distance relationships for years. Whether it be family or friends. An hour is nothing to me. She’s always been in our city and doesn’t have the comparison. I get that, yet it feels as if she’s dooming this ship to sink without that even happening. And I’m along for the ride and have to constantly steer against that from happening. Not sure I’m overly dramatic but our relationship has taken a pretty sharp turn in the last few weeks and I’m having trouble keeping up. She calls me “bestie” randomly in texts but then she wants the friendship to change, I suppose because she doesn’t want to end up hurt. I can see how that would make sense to someone but it’s not an approach I’d take. I honestly am slightly overwhelmed even talking about it. Life ebbs and flows and sometimes we hear from people more, sometimes less. It seems as if she’s suffocating this and I’m not quite sure how to move forward. It’s definitely possible to overplan and over talk situations that are just a mere possibility. Anyone have any insight? 

[boltnrun]

I would pull back too. She isn't going to be the friend she's been in the past.

It may be hard to accept, but this seems to be how things are going to be, at least for a while.

See other friends, spend time with family. If you hear from her, great, if not you'll be busy so it won't impact you too much if at all.

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds like she is acknowledging that the added distance will decrease frequency in meeting. It's a logistics statement, not necessarily a judgment about the friendship.

She specifically cited examples of how the friendship will change "without regular play dates or other things we’d do where we would see each other." 

My suggestion is to wait and see and not jump the gun or assume that she doesn't want to be close friends with you any longer. Friendships are a two way street so let her demonstrate her friendship in return, regardless of distance.

[BecxyRex]

Yeah, not trying to jump the gun and taking it all in and processing. I do have other friends and am by no means lonely, but she's really important to me. Thanks though, the responses so far made sense and I'll just relax and see where this goes.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, BecxyRex said:

Yeah, not trying to jump the gun and taking it all in and processing. I do have other friends and am by no means lonely, but she's really important to me. Thanks though, the responses so far made sense and I'll just relax and see where this goes.

I agree. These things can't be pushed or forced.

You also seem to come from different backgrounds where distance is perceived differently. Where one person's strength comes in in a friendship, another's weakness may be apparent. While to you 1.5 hour commutes are not a large barrier, it may be to others and (to me) that is ok. That difference is ok.

I think acknowledging that difference is also important because it may place less expectations on the friendship and bring you two closer. I don't think you should be the one offering to drive to see her all the time unless there's some problem with her making a trip out to see you. It may mean less frequency and naturally spending more time with others more local to you but in the end it doesn't mean that the friendship ends. It may lengthen and deepen over time although you don't see each other as often. It evolves.

 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, BecxyRex said:

About an hour later I got a longish text from her basically explaining that it’s going to be harder for us to keep a frequent and close relationship due to distance and that our friendship will have to change without regular play dates or other things we’d do where we would see each other. Ooff.

That is surprising and sort of an odd thing to say to someone. But on the other hand, at least she told you that she was backing off! She could have just dodged you. 

I'm not sure what to make of it, but I cast my vote on the 'wait and see' side of things. Try not to take it too much to heart.

[BecxyRex]

I’m sure it’ll be fine. I guess it was strange for me, because I understand some people write less over time and things play out as they may. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just wasn’t sure how to react to someone planning for this to happen. Let’s just see how we keep up? There’s no guarantee in anything and it’s not like we’re dating long distance. But thanks again everyone, I’m definitely a bit more clear headed about it. 

[mylolita]

Hey Becxy!

 

I totally get why you were angry at her not contacting you when she went afk for awhile. Did she ever apologise for the worry she put you under?

 

It’s funny with people because even though the ideal situation would be, distance does nothing to a true friendship - that may be the case for some, but it really can change dynamics. If she has a child like yourself, and she is struggling, an hour there and an hour back can seem like a lot in top of what might already be daily struggles for her? I am just playing devils advocate here.

 

If she was a really great friend the distance wouldn’t mean anything but peoples lives and thoughts get in the way of them doing all things well. I am currently in the same position as your friend! Where, we have moved an hour away also! And I know I just will only see those few girls now and then, it’s just too much for me to take all three of them weekly and do the errands, it’s hard enough getting them all to my parents and the in laws now and then. BUT! These girls were more mum friend acquaintances and part of me is happy to leave that behind and start afresh here. The difference between you guys is you are best friends and extremely close.

 

I know how hard it can be. It’s almost like a romantic relationship breaking up. You have known this girl for years, spent nearly every week together and talked for hours on end, shared your soul and problems and happy times and then suddenly things changed and it leaves you feeling very sad. I broke up with a long term friend before (it was mutual) but even though it was wanted, it felt so hard to let go of 12 years worth of having someone there.

 

I would have a heart to heart with her. Make sure, face to face, she doesn’t need help with anything. But if she doesn’t add anything, I am sorry Bex but it just seems like she is telling you she can’t be around as much. People and friendships evolve as you say. Doesn’t make it any easier though my dear 😌

 

You know her better than anyone else here. Have cracks been showing before this? Has she changed, even slightly? Sometimes you look back and you can see the dissolve coming, other times it is purely innocent and the distance and logistics and life get in the way but, if they could click their fingers and you appear they would see you everyday?

 

All the best,

 

x

 

(PS - I say have a big heart to heart because often when major friendships change or end ((not saying yours is!)) but, you need some kind of explanation or closure or you feel bad and cheated. She has given you one but if you feel like there may be more just ask - you guys are so close. I would go see her and have a nice girlie chat) 

[mylolita]

PPS!

 

Here’s a little litmus test if you want it Bex!

 

Don’t contact her - let her contact you. Leave it on great terms, everything in the open then leave it to her and see how long it takes her to start a chat or seriously arrange something. Kind of, leave the ball in her court x

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like she doesn’t see this friendship the same way you do, OP. 

It’s disappointing, no doubt. But sometimes people aren’t meant to be our friends forever. It appears she’s okay letting this be a more casual friendship, so it might be best to work on detaching. 

Otherwise, it will just continue to hurt when you see that you value her role in your life more than she does yours. 

[BecxyRex]

Again thanks everyone! We were actually able to talk about it. She’s really struggling with the move because we were so close and her radius geographically isn’t as large as mine. In order to sort of protect herself she pulled inward but never meant to shut me out. I feel honestly even better about this friendship than before. At this point all we can do is try to hang out as much as we can and just let life happen and see where we’ll be. But I’m glad we were able to be open about it. Communication is key and we’re both willing to talk things through! Yay! Thanks again! This should be the last time I talk about this topic 😉 onward and upward!

[SooSad33]

You need to try & understand mental health issue's... If someone is 'struggling' with eg, depression. They will NOT have the energy required for a full- ongoing friendship/relationship.

Their mind is often overwhelming, negative and they are..struggling along.

You need to try & understand her headspace.

When I hit my lows, I had NO drive or interest in going out with friends or to visit with them.. or family.  I'd hide away as I felt so crappy 😕 .

So, try to understand how she's feeling at this time and not take anything personally.

As mentioned, things are changed now within your friendship. 

She may be giving some 'excuses', but is up to you now to respectfully work on accepting what is and leave it be.  No pressures etc.

Give her time.  Give her space and just be there, should she reach out again.

 

[Batya33]

I’m very glad you spoke again. And I’d use Lolita’s post as a sort of guide or roadmap. She said the right things and at the same time she said what she said earlier too.

She’s a bit all over the place and you’re the more vulnerable one. She needs a more face to face relationship it seems and knows she’s not motivated to put in the effort to see you more often. Which is sad. I’m sorry. 

I too keep in touch long distance. For decades now. Not just because oof the ease of technology.

And I had a few friends distance themselves when I had a baby - one in particular went MIA abruptly - I was 9 months pregnant and she was offering her cleaning woman’s name and help for me if needed and a few weeks later she didn’t respond to my email announcing the birth and inviting her to a gathering or to the emails I sent after when I had a few minutes between feedings and bottle washing and trying to exhale.
Now many years later we’re in nominal touch on Facebook (I moved away) but it was never anything like our friendship which we had for 7 years before I gave birth and got married. She’s single no kids. It’s bizarre. If bothered me a lot. And it happens. I hate that it happens. 
again I’m glad you cleared the air and I hope it helps. 

[Jibralta]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And I had a few friends distance themselves when I had a baby - one in particular went MIA abruptly - I was 9 months pregnant and she was offering her cleaning woman’s name and help for me if needed and a few weeks later she didn’t respond to my email announcing the birth and inviting her to a gathering or to the emails I sent after when I had a few minutes between feedings and bottle washing and trying to exhale.
Now many years later we’re in nominal touch on Facebook (I moved away) but it was never anything like our friendship which we had for 7 years before I gave birth and got married. She’s single no kids. It’s bizarre. If bothered me a lot. And it happens. I hate that it happens.

Wow, that's interesting and makes me wonder if I've done this myself. I think I probably have. I think that once my friends started having children, I was happy to be absent while they raised them. I didn't like my friends any less, I just wasn't interested in dealing with them as they wrangled small children. I figured we could pick things back up when the kids got older, and in many cases that's what happened. It didn't occur to me that they might actually be upset that I distanced myself. I figured they'd be too busy to even notice, to be honest. 

There may have been a couple other times when I pulled the ejector-seat lever on a friendship when it seemed like a good time to exit... I think it comes down to knowing my limits. I need very, very low maintenance friendships. Cactuses. Cactus-friends. 

On 3/1/2022 at 5:38 PM, Jibralta said:

That is surprising and sort of an odd thing to say to someone.

I guess this means I'm odd.  

Well, I pretty much knew that already.

[BecxyRex]

Absolutely. I’m learning as I go, sooSad33 🙂

[catfeeder]

Just throwing out my impressions. You do understand that she's been emotionally unstable, and I would view this through that lens and not sentence myself to any real drama over it.

On top of whatever she's been suffering, she is REALLY suffering your move. Given your feelings for her, I'd just give her that--without allowing it to drive an unnecessary wedge.

I mean, sure, she's fishing. She wants to cause a reaction from you. So I'd give her a loving one, but without imposing sadness or whatever on myself.

I'd respond something like, "Understood. You mean the world to me, and I can appreciate any adjustments you feel are necessary. However, I want to see you as often as you wish, and I'm willing to compensate for the distance by heading your way more if you find it difficult to travel to me. I also want you to know that I respect your limits, but I'm here to speak with you any time you might be willing to confide in me again. I love you, YourName"...

Then I'd just let it go and avoid torturing myself. I'd keep reaching out to her as I've always done, and if she skips me, then she does. Either I'll persist past her reservations, or, I'll adjust to whatever distance she wants to impose--but I don't have to buy into the idea that a few extra miles 'must' equal total misery.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, BecxyRex said:

Again thanks everyone! We were actually able to talk about it. She’s really struggling with the move because we were so close and her radius geographically isn’t as large as mine. In order to sort of protect herself she pulled inward but never meant to shut me out. I feel honestly even better about this friendship than before. At this point all we can do is try to hang out as much as we can and just let life happen and see where we’ll be. But I’m glad we were able to be open about it. Communication is key and we’re both willing to talk things through! Yay! Thanks again! This should be the last time I talk about this topic 😉 onward and upward!

Ahhh! I just saw this. Sometimes I head straight for the reply before reading responses so that I can offer my first impressions before I lose them. It's wonderful that you've been able to discuss this. My sense was just that she's suffering your move and trying to be self protective, even while she hoped to provoke the kind of response you obviously gave her.

Good for you! Best wishes for an easier adjustment than either of you could have predicted.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I need very, very low maintenance friendships. Cactuses. Cactus-friends. 

Oh! THIS is rich!

I adore it!

Love,

Cat-tus

[BecxyRex]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

There may have been a couple other times when I pulled the ejector-seat lever on a friendship when it seemed like a good time to exit... I think it comes down to knowing my limits. I need very, very low maintenance friendships. Cactuses. Cactus-friends. 

Interesting. I definitely get the low maintenance aspect. It’s fun to just hang out with people without any stress attached. My husband and I met our new neighbors a bit ago and it’s been fun to gather in the neighborhood, have the kids play on the street etc. have some small talk, drink some wine. I enjoy having acquaintances and actually need those easy going interactions in my life. I’ve always found though that I have a handful of people that I deeply connect with, most still in my home country and of course my friend here. People I trust my child with. 

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, BecxyRex said:

I’ve always found though that I have a handful of people that I deeply connect with, most still in my home country and of course my friend here. People I trust my child with. 

It sounds like she is one of these people that you felt a connection with. Your children played together, your families were obviously involved. Do you think that may be part of the reason why you feel her distancing more deeply? 

Now that I'm thinking about this some more, I think you might have been on to something when you compared your respective experiences. The fact that you moved here from another country and left loved ones behind has taught you to pick and choose and to carefully cultivate important relationships. It sounds like she never faced that hardship. She's been surrounded by loved ones and strangers alike, and maybe it's never occurred to her to scrutinize her relationships. In a way, that's unfortunate because treasure and trash get all mixed together. 

I'm just throwing things at the wall here.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Wow, that's interesting and makes me wonder if I've done this myself. I think I probably have. I think that once my friends started having children, I was happy to be absent while they raised them. I didn't like my friends any less, I just wasn't interested in dealing with them as they wrangled small children. I figured we could pick things back up when the kids got older, and in many cases that's what happened. It didn't occur to me that they might actually be upset that I distanced myself. I figured they'd be too busy to even notice, to be honest. 

For me personally with close friends our marital status and parenting status was irrelevant to us being close friends and being there for each other.  I accommodated their schedules as much as possible when they had a child which wasn't always easy. 

I have always loved being around children with the exception that I couldn't relate to my traveling over an hour to see a friend who had small children and then realized we couldn't even sit and have coffee for ten minutes on our own.  I should have realized that.

When I had a child people accommodated my schedule and I tried very hard not to make it all about me.  Because I had no interest in talking about or having my friends interact with my child unless they wanted to. I wanted time with my friend.

It's similar to two dog owners I've met -I became friendly with two women, separately who were really attached to their dog meaning they didn't want to leave the dog home alone.  One was married, no kids, one married with grown kids. In both cases if I wanted to see them we had to eat outside so the dog could join or be outside for whatever we were doing, or meet at their homes or for under 2 hours so the dog wouldn't be alone. 

I'm not a dog person. I liked one of the dogs (just like I don't like all children -it depends) but no I didn't want her jumping all over my clothing so that was awkward and yes it was inconvenient to sit outside when it was cold out.  But I wanted to get to know these women so I accommodated.  Seems to me it's not so different from a child.

I never assume I can pick things back up years later -months -for sure, especially if there is a good reason.  But that's just the way my friendships have been over my life -I don't presume to know how it works for others.  I was really busy in my career just like I was really busy as a parent - and in both instances I moved mountains basically to maintain and grow my close friendships. 

I was never the smug married person or the person who wanted to focus on "mom friends" as close friends -yes, I made it my business to meet/network so that my son could meet other kids in the neighborhood but I didn't look for other moms to "bond" with -I looked for people I had things in common with.  Quite often non-parents were much more supportive at the changes in my life than other moms. 

Again not judging your perspective because each friendship -as we see in this post -is so individual and personal!

I didn't appreciate the friends who just went MIA -that was hurtful.  Acquaintances/activity friends/casual friend -totally normal to have status/lifestyle/proximity affect things.