Ex-Girlfriend Very Receptive to Me, But Needs to Think

[ThoughtfulAndWaiting]

Hi. I have a bit of a pickle here and could use some support. I'm a male in my early 30's.

I knew this girl from grad school for about 2 years. There was always mutual interest between us, but due to COVID, and us being with other people at the time, nothing ever really happened. Eventually, we started dating, for about 3-4 months, and it was amazing for both of us. Our conversations were always deep and thoughtful, we were both respectful and kind, and talked all the time. We appreciated and supported each other whenever we could. We went on lots of amazing road trips and had really fun adventures together. Everything we did was magical and fun.

Due to some extreme stress that I was going through at the time, and some occasional emotion distance from her, I broke it off after 3-4 months. I was under the impression that she wasn't as serious about the relationship as I was (although it turned out I was wrong, as we'll see). This was a very stupid thing to do, as you'll soon see.

Two months after we broke up, she sent me a happy birthday message, which was very nice. She clearly remembered. I thanked her and wished her well, but her only reply was "thanks", and no further conversation occurred.

Then, two months after that, I decided to text her. She was friendly and agreed to a phone call a couple of days later. Our chat lasted one-and-a-half hours, and it was amazing! We reminisced about all of our good times, what we did wrong, how we could have communicated better (and what we could have communicated better, or done better in general). There were lots of laughs and even a bit of flirting from her during all topics we covered. The topic of marriage---briefly---came up at one point. I know her well and can say with certainty that these things would not have happened if there was no interest from her; she takes relationships seriously.

In our phone chat, I laid it on the line for her---I apologized for my stupid mistake, and told her what I should have done instead, i.e., communicated about the stress and emotional distance. It was at this point that we found out that neither of us was trying to be distant, we just communicated our support in different ways and sometimes didn't align properly. We both talked about the ways we had improved ourselves in the last 4 months or so.

We also both agreed that if we could go back in time and change things, that we would. We agreed that we both still thought of (and even missed) our great memories together, from time to time.

I asked her if she wanted to start talking some time about rebuilding the relationship with what we've learned now. She paused, and said she wanted to think about it. When I asked why, and if I had done something wrong, she said I hadn't, just that she needed to think.

The conversation once again got light-hearted, and we shared some more laughs just like we used to before. She even asked me pointedly if I had met anyone.

After some more chatting, I asked what she needed from me to help her, and what kind of space I should give her. We agreed that she would text/phone me when she was done thinking, and that I would give her space to do this. We hung up on friendly, positive terms. (She even texted me afterwards about a cute picture of my cat that I sent her during our conversation.)

As I've mentioned, I know her pretty well; there were a ton of very positive signs from her indicating that she was interested (and she has never done that lightly), and no negative ones (aside from the time she needs to think). These were some of the same signs that she used to indicate interest in me before we first starting dating.

What's confusing me is the time she needs to think: what is the time to think for? I honestly believe that she is still interested in me romantically. Also, it's now been almost 4 full days since our conversation; she's not the kind of person to leave someone hanging permanently, either. So, how long will she keep me waiting for?

Thanks for reading.

[boltnrun]

Someone who broke up with me before would be someone I would want to take a good long think about reconciling with. 

Do you know if you broke her heart? Do you know if she cried? Did it take her weeks and weeks before she even started feeling a little bit better?

Remember, you are the one who created this situation. So allowing her time to think is the least you can do.

[Rose Mosse]

Remember that it’s also likely she has a support system such a close friends and family who were there to help her pick up the pieces when you dumped her. This isn’t as easy of a decision as you may think.

Give her the space she needs and be humble about this, not demanding and most definitely not expectant of reconciliation. It can go either way.

You did all the right things and kept the conversation light and didn’t pester or bother her afterwards or question her why she needs time. 

Regarding your personal situation and “extreme stress” has this been resolved? What caused it? How have things changed in you or in your life? How is she to know that you won’t crack like this again and end the relationship? 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, ThoughtfulAndWaiting said:

What's confusing me is the time she needs to think: what is the time to think for?

You dumped her before. The emotional trust isn't there anymore, so getting back together with you is a big risk for her. 

She might not be willing to open her heart to you again. 

[ThoughtfulAndWaiting]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Someone who broke up with me before would be someone I would want to take a good long think about reconciling with. 

Do you know if you broke her heart? Do you know if she cried? Did it take her weeks and weeks before she even started feeling a little bit better?

Remember, you are the one who created this situation. So allowing her time to think is the least you can do.

These are all great points, thanks. I'm keeping my distance and not contacting her.

Explained this way, it makes sense, thanks. If our situation was reversed (if she dumped me, and then contacted me a few months later), I would probably need time to think, too (and more than just a couple days), even if I was dying to get back together with her. My head would be telling my heart to take things slow, to make sure I didn't rush into anything that could be hurtful again, including hurtful to my pride. Hell, I'd probably make her wait even a bit longer on top of that, just because I'd still be a little hurt and would want her to know it on some level.

3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Regarding your personal situation and “extreme stress” has this been resolved? What caused it? How have things changed in you or in your life? How is she to know that you won’t crack like this again and end the relationship? 

Yeah, I made it clear to her that it was resolved, and I talked about why it happened, and I told her what I should have done instead of breaking things off when I sensed she was distant. (We also talked about where that distance came from---turns out it was nothing, just some poor communication.) Thanks for asking.

48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You dumped her before. The emotional trust isn't there anymore, so getting back together with you is a big risk for her. 

She might not be willing to open her heart to you again. 

Very true. I know her well enough to say that our intimate phone call was definitely a positive sign of her opening her heart again, but to what degree, I don't know.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, ThoughtfulAndWaiting said:

What's confusing me is the time she needs to think: what is the time to think for? I honestly believe that she is still interested in me romantically.

Yup, as the other's said... I'd think twice for a good while if some guy pulled away/ dumped me as well.

It was 3-4 mos for you two.  Not a whole lot of time to actually form anything solid.

She may still 'like you' but the trust may be gone now. 😕 

If you don't hear back from her, I suggest you respectfully leave her be.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ThoughtfulAndWaiting said:

 us being with other people at the time, nothing ever really happened. Eventually, we started dating, for about 3-4 months, and it was amazing for both of us. 

Sorry this happened. Are either of you still in relationships or still on/off with your partners?

It's great you had a 16 week adventure/fling. Especially if you were both on the rebound or on off with your partners.

Nostalgia and reminiscing is fun, but it can't "rebuild" something that wasn't there and was just a fleeting adventure. 

Stay friends if you wish, but she's not interested in turning this into a relationship especially after you dumped her for whatever reason.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, ThoughtfulAndWaiting said:

Hi. I have a bit of a pickle here and could use some support

Sometimes its not the lenght of a pickle but technique that counts

Sorry, it was too good of a joke not to tell. 😂

I dunno man, you cant really put time frame there. Its not positive but its not really a negative. Give her time and see what she tells afterward. Accept what she says to you, if she wants you back OK, if she doesnt dont push and that is about it. All you can do is wait now.

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, ThoughtfulAndWaiting said:

These are all great points, thanks. I'm keeping my distance and not contacting her.

Explained this way, it makes sense, thanks. If our situation was reversed (if she dumped me, and then contacted me a few months later), I would probably need time to think, too (and more than just a couple days), even if I was dying to get back together with her. My head would be telling my heart to take things slow, to make sure I didn't rush into anything that could be hurtful again, including hurtful to my pride. Hell, I'd probably make her wait even a bit longer on top of that, just because I'd still be a little hurt and would want her to know it on some level.

Yeah, I made it clear to her that it was resolved, and I talked about why it happened, and I told her what I should have done instead of breaking things off when I sensed she was distant. (We also talked about where that distance came from---turns out it was nothing, just some poor communication.) Thanks for asking.

Very true. I know her well enough to say that our intimate phone call was definitely a positive sign of her opening her heart again, but to what degree, I don't know.

Then practice patience and as I said remain humble (not entitled to any form of reconciliation). You’re both open and honest with one another and that’s the best that you can do. 

In the meantime, shake this off and stay on track with your other things you need to do. Don’t be consumed by this. 

[Batya33]

I agree with the others and .... talk is cheap.  It's nice to clear the air, apologize - doesn't mean she wants to take the action of going on dates with you again. I'm married to my ex fiancee -we reconciled almost 8 years after we cancelled our wedding.  We were casualties of not the right people at the right time -and I basically ended it but then wanted to reconcile soon after -and he did not want to.

And it wasn't about intimate talks.  It was about seeing each other again -platonically - and we got back together the third time we spent time together.  It wasn't about reading signs because if two people want to be together they don't want to risk having to read "signs"- they want it clear and simple and direct. 

You two had poor communication on basic stuff the first time around which was recent.  She saw that you weren't resilient, didn't have staying power, wasn't motivated to clear things up and instead walked away.  

It's kind of like a couple of friends I've had -who randomly go MIA if things are tough on their end as opposed to letting me know "I'm going to be busy/preoccupied etc the next ___ -it's not about you!" - and in certain cases I now keep my distance.  It's too annoying and even hurtful. I can relate to her concerns.

[ThoughtfulAndWaiting]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Are either of you still in relationships or still on/off with your partners?

It's great you had a 16 week adventure/fling. Especially if you were both on the rebound or on off with your partners.

Nostalgia and reminiscing is fun, but it can't "rebuild" something that wasn't there and was just a fleeting adventure. 

Stay friends if you wish, but she's not interested in turning this into a relationship especially after you dumped her for whatever reason.

This was definitely not a fling, just to be clear. I'm not seeing anyone, and neither is she, as far as I know. When I asked her out (before we first started dating), she asked that I wait and give her time until she was ready to date again. I did, and we were friends only. After a long while, she told me she was ready to date, and then we did.

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sometimes its not the lenght of a pickle but technique that counts

Sorry, it was too good of a joke not to tell. 😂

I dunno man, you cant really put time frame there. Its not positive but its not really a negative. Give her time and see what she tells afterward. Accept what she says to you, if she wants you back OK, if she doesnt dont push and that is about it. All you can do is wait now.

I will wait.

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Then practice patience and as I said remain humble (not entitled to any form of reconciliation). You’re both open and honest with one another and that’s the best that you can do. 

In the meantime, shake this off and stay on track with your other things you need to do. Don’t be consumed by this. 

I will be patient and wait, thanks.

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with the others and .... talk is cheap.  It's nice to clear the air, apologize - doesn't mean she wants to take the action of going on dates with you again. I'm married to my ex fiancee -we reconciled almost 8 years after we cancelled our wedding.  We were casualties of not the right people at the right time -and I basically ended it but then wanted to reconcile soon after -and he did not want to.

And it wasn't about intimate talks.  It was about seeing each other again -platonically - and we got back together the third time we spent time together.  It wasn't about reading signs because if two people want to be together they don't want to risk having to read "signs"- they want it clear and simple and direct. 

You two had poor communication on basic stuff the first time around which was recent.  She saw that you weren't resilient, didn't have staying power, wasn't motivated to clear things up and instead walked away.  

It's kind of like a couple of friends I've had -who randomly go MIA if things are tough on their end as opposed to letting me know "I'm going to be busy/preoccupied etc the next ___ -it's not about you!" - and in certain cases I now keep my distance.  It's too annoying and even hurtful. I can relate to her concerns.

I agree that we communicated poorly on this issue, but otherwise, our communication was actually great. It was just we had a major failure to communicate on something (what I perceived as emotional distance and a lack of commitment from her), which coincided with some stressful events on my end. That turned what should have been a simple-to-resolve issue into something that I didn't reach out to try and resolve. It was stupid and foolish of me to give up like this, and I feel awful.

I really feel so terrible about this. I feel so bad for hurting her like that. Thinking back on it, I have no idea how I managed to do something so stupid with someone so great. I will regret this for the rest of my life. I feel awful, and wish we could get back together. I'd never let her go ever again and spend every day proving it to her.

I will provide updates if I hear from her. But at this point, I don't know if I will.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, ThoughtfulAndWaiting said:

It was just we had a major failure to communicate on something (what I perceived as emotional distance and a lack of commitment from her), which coincided with some stressful events on my end. That turned what should have been a simple-to-resolve issue into something that I didn't reach out to try and resolve. It was stupid and foolish of me to give up like this, and I feel awful.

I really feel so terrible about this. I feel so bad for hurting her like that. Thinking back on it, I have no idea how I managed to do something so stupid with someone so great. I will regret this for the rest of my life. I feel awful, and wish we could get back together. I'd never let her go ever again and spend every day proving it to her.

This is a lot of word salad to me. I believe people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  You got more pleasure over not putting in the effort to stay the course.  Life is chock full of stressful events.  She saw how you acted in response to stress and it concerned her because she knows too life is full of stressful events.  You weren't stupid or foolish - you chose the comfort of walking away because at that time you weren't into her enough to face your fear and choose her over the stress, her over the fear.  She's worried that this short time later you can say how you'll "prove" it to her but she's not sure she wants to go through it again -and you will have stress and you will be confronted with the same choice.

I had a really good new relationship with someone for about 2 months who did much the same thing - it was great and bonding and after about two months he invited me to New Years Eve with his parents. 

We all had a drink to celebrate except he kept drinking.  I'd never seen him drunk.  He then acted sullen, then like a jerk and walked out of my apartment shortly after midnight then blew me off next day for brunch with his parents that we'd planned.  His parents were lovely.  Then called later that day with big apologies.  Nope, I'd seen and experienced enough. I was done.  It had only been a few months.  Just like with you and this gal.  He even called again on pretense as his father had offered me a second opinion on a medical issue.  I didn't respond.  

She responded and spoke to you.  She didn't open her heart to dating you again.  She opened up for a phone conversation that was fun, light, nostalgia and made her think hmmmmm.  Hmmmmm but not "yes! this guy is worth another chance!"

[catfeeder]

She was already feeling fragile enough after her breakup to hold off on meeting you.

Then she bonds with you, and you dump her.

It makes no sense to believe that words alone can compensate for that.

You're smart to back off. Your expectation of immediate reconciliation may have added some insult to injury, so I'd be the opposite of pushy.

I'd avoid trying to 'sell' her, or you'll come off as dense and self-centered. 

[ThoughtfulAndWaiting]

Hello everyone,

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your insightful comments and your time. It is much appreciated. I've read and considered everything you've posted, even if I haven't directly replied.

I thought some of you might be interested in how the story ends...or begins.

In short, her and I have reconciled and agreed to move forwards together with what we've learned. This has come after exchanging thoughtful words, kind gestures, and lots of patience. She's invited me to travel with her family out of town for a week and a half as well. From experience I know that this invitation does not come lightly. It appears we are on the road to healing and rebuilding things together. I have learned and will not make the same mistakes again as I did before.

I felt I should share this (a) since there does seem to be a lot of sad stories of love and loss on these forums, and perhaps they needed brightening up a bit with a happy one, and (b) to once again thank you for advising me to be kind, respectful, and patient. I hope others might be able to learn from where I went wrong, and maybe themselves also get second chances they may doubt they deserve.

All the best, everyone. It is my fervent hope that you never hear from me again. 🙂

[Batya33]

This is a positive beginning for sure!

[Rose Mosse]

15 hours ago, ThoughtfulAndWaiting said:

Hello everyone,

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your insightful comments and your time. It is much appreciated. I've read and considered everything you've posted, even if I haven't directly replied.

I thought some of you might be interested in how the story ends...or begins.

In short, her and I have reconciled and agreed to move forwards together with what we've learned. This has come after exchanging thoughtful words, kind gestures, and lots of patience. She's invited me to travel with her family out of town for a week and a half as well. From experience I know that this invitation does not come lightly. It appears we are on the road to healing and rebuilding things together. I have learned and will not make the same mistakes again as I did before.

I felt I should share this (a) since there does seem to be a lot of sad stories of love and loss on these forums, and perhaps they needed brightening up a bit with a happy one, and (b) to once again thank you for advising me to be kind, respectful, and patient. I hope others might be able to learn from where I went wrong, and maybe themselves also get second chances they may doubt they deserve.

All the best, everyone. It is my fervent hope that you never hear from me again. 🙂

Wonderful. Thanks for the update. ☺️