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Ex boyfriend and friendship I think?


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My ex and I dates for 4 years then were best friends for 4 years. In that time he spent it trying to get me back periodically. It came across as if he was lonely or upset with his life and didn't actually want me. We had out problems and they couldn't be fixed. I started dating and he was demanding my new bf be ok with our friendship. I made it a priority even though it made my new bf uncomfortable. I see why now because my ex was still calling me up trying to get me back. Anyways one day I decided to ask my ex if he was doing ok since pandemic and I knew he was alone. He mentioned to me that we need to stop being so dependant on each other and have a normal friendship because his new gf was his priority. I was at first mad because he treated my new bf like trash for months but as soon as I was replaced it was like good riddance. It was rude. So I stopped talking to him. He messages me 6-7 times over the year not saying much, more so testing the waters and I was unresponsive. I was hurt and giving him the space he said he needed. I was confused. I finally reached out recently, being a year since I last spoke to him and asked if he was still wanting to be friends and asked a general question. He said yes, he only stopped communicating because he knew I was upset. Fair enough. I responded back to his msg to be upfront and say that I finally understood what he did and it was actually beneficial to my relationships, I was just hurt because he was a big part of my life. It was a longer more sappy msg that the tone was appreciation and respect. I ended it with answering his general questions like how my pets are and being super upbeat and he left me on read. It's been a week. How can someone claim they want me as part of their life but then take a vulnerable message and just toss it to the wind or so it feels.

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23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you hoping you two will reconcile? Why send a "vulnerable" message?

Are you still with your boyfriend or are you currently single?

I guess the point got missed. It's vulnerable for me because I don't like emotions. I was just trying to make my peace with the past on good terms and move on. Say that I understand what he meant back then and say we are good and best of luck basically. I talked with my boyfriend about this ahead of time and he thought it was a good idea to make peace with the past so I hold no resentment.

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Are you still with your BF? It's amazing your BF put up with this disrespect from you and this ex. You need to block and delete him. 

Hi. I am with my bf. It was actually his idea for me to reach out and clear the air. Not really sure how I was disrespectful but ok. Yeah I didnt realize at the time my ex was treating my bf poorly and not respecting boundaries. I have since taken space from my ex to rectify that

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31 minutes ago, Sam975 said:

He mentioned to me that we need to stop being so dependant on each other and have a normal friendship because his new gf was his priority... I was hurt and giving him the space he said he needed.

...

He said yes, he only stopped communicating because he knew I was upset. Fair enough. 

No. That is not "fair enough". He gaslit you and turned the blame on you for being non-responsive. The real issue is that he didn't have time to be your friend anymore as he had a new girlfriend. 

Share your info about your pets with your current boyfriend. You're placing too much importance on someone who's part of your past and treats you as disposable. 

Make peace by saying goodbye in your heart, shut the door firmly and move on. It doesn't need to involve a third party or your ex.

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7 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

Why on earth would you make this demanding, controlling ex a priority over a current boyfriend?  If I were you a guy, I wouldn't want to be involved with you.  Are you still with your boyfriend?

Still with boyfriend. His idea to reach out to make peace with the past so I hold no resentment towards my ex because he thinks that's toxic to hold onto

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10 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

Why on earth would you make this demanding, controlling ex a priority over a current boyfriend?  If I were you a guy, I wouldn't want to be involved with you.  Are you still with your boyfriend?

 

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your current BF us correct. People who can't be together and cant be apart pretty much defines "toxic".

Are you here to troll because as I said above my bf wanted me to make peace with my ex so that everything is on good terms. He's not calling me toxic for having negative emotions. Nobody's perfect.

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Sometimes when we reach out to others they don't respond the way we hoped they would. And that's OK. You can still let go of the past, even if the ending wasn't quite how you imagined it.

Give your emotions to your boyfriend. Tell him you decided to let go and look to the present and the future instead of the past. Don't talk about this ex anymore because he's not relevant to your life today.

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OP, you get closure and a clean break when YOU accept that the relationship is over and that this person is not and should not be a part of your life anymore - that you and him were not a good fit. As such, you remove them from your life, regardless of what they want, claim, say, beg, etc. - you are literally learning the hard way why.

He demanded to stay friends, but he wasn't honest. His agenda was to try and get you back and break up your current relationship by being obnoxious to your bf. (Your bf is a saint for sticking around, btw, as most people would have walked away from this mess.) The reason why people are admonishing you a bit is that you allowed this mess to carry on instead of telling your ex that he needs to be gone.

Ironically, once your ex got over you and found someone new, he did exactly what you should have done yourself - distance himself and drop you so that he can focus on his new relationship and be respectful to it by not carrying on with an ex.

What's going really sideways here is that after a year of silence, you feel compelled to reach out to your ex yet again and would continue on with him if he was responsive. Thing is - he has moved on and it's time you let go and move on too.

Accepting that a relationship is over comes from you, from within.

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41 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

You say that but you ended your post by asking ….. “How can someone claim they want me as part of their life but then take a vulnerable message and just toss it to the wind or so it feels.”  ….. That doesn’t sound like someone who is just trying to make peace with their past to me.

You reached out to him and said what you wanted to say. He responded positively.  Why not leave it there.

Leaving your message unread is only an issue if you make it one. You can either choose to do so or you can be happy that you’ve achieved what you set out to do and leave your ex in the past.

Why not just concentrate on your relationship with your bf now.

 

I see your point and I thank you. I do feel like I made my peace despite him being unresponsive. I guess I was just separately bothered that you can be part of someones life for 8+ years and they cannot even be considerate but that's on him. I know j reached out for friendship but entire goal was to say that, mention my peace then I wasn't really going to say anything again. I just didn't know what to call it 

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34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sometimes when we reach out to others they don't respond the way we hoped they would. And that's OK. You can still let go of the past, even if the ending wasn't quite how you imagined it.

Give your emotions to your boyfriend. Tell him you decided to let go and look to the present and the future instead of the past. Don't talk about this ex anymore because he's not relevant to your life today.

Thank you. That's very insightful

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35 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

OP, you get closure and a clean break when YOU accept that the relationship is over and that this person is not and should not be a part of your life anymore - that you and him were not a good fit. As such, you remove them from your life, regardless of what they want, claim, say, beg, etc. - you are literally learning the hard way why.

He demanded to stay friends, but he wasn't honest. His agenda was to try and get you back and break up your current relationship by being obnoxious to your bf. (Your bf is a saint for sticking around, btw, as most people would have walked away from this mess.) The reason why people are admonishing you a bit is that you allowed this mess to carry on instead of telling your ex that he needs to be gone.

Ironically, once your ex got over you and found someone new, he did exactly what you should have done yourself - distance himself and drop you so that he can focus on his new relationship and be respectful to it by not carrying on with an ex.

What's going really sideways here is that after a year of silence, you feel compelled to reach out to your ex yet again and would continue on with him if he was responsive. Thing is - he has moved on and it's time you let go and move on too.

Accepting that a relationship is over comes from you, from within.

I get where your coming from. You are right. A lot of things went sideways since the breakup. Figured we were on the same page and later when he ended communication I get where he was coming from and yes I should of done it. I was blinded at the time. I want to look at the past and be happy Even if its All over andI have no regret for sending it, I just can't believe someone who was supposed to be a person who cared for you for so long cannot extend the curtesy to respond. But whatever.

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9 minutes ago, Sam975 said:

I get where your coming from. You are right. A lot of things went sideways since the breakup. Figured we were on the same page and later when he ended communication I get where he was coming from and yes I should of done it. I was blinded at the time. I want to look at the past and be happy Even if its All over andI have no regret for sending it, I just can't believe someone who was supposed to be a person who cared for you for so long cannot extend the curtesy to respond. But whatever.

After break ups people are done caring...... He is no longer responsible for you and your emotions and same goes for you. Time to let this go and move on. He doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe him anything anymore.

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I also dont understand why you are mad? Because he left you on "read"? Now that he has a new gf he doesnt care. He was not or was ever there for "friendship" part but for "girlfriend" part. OK, you are confused because he pretended to be there for "friendship" part so its somewhat understandable. But again, you only think he was some kind of "big friend". While in truth he was always there to get you back. Hence the confusion. As he no longer needs to pretend to be friend, he is now cold and can "leave you on read". 

You need to separate those two things. And the fact that it cant be friendship if one side has feelings. Still dunno why your insistance on his friendship. Again, as others said, it could created you problems in your current relationship or any other if it happens after that. All because you or him insisted on some kind of friendship that was never that in the first place. 

Just out of curiosity: Who broke up? And who suggested friendship?

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3 hours ago, Sam975 said:

I get where your coming from. You are right. A lot of things went sideways since the breakup. Figured we were on the same page and later when he ended communication I get where he was coming from and yes I should of done it. I was blinded at the time. I want to look at the past and be happy Even if its All over andI have no regret for sending it, I just can't believe someone who was supposed to be a person who cared for you for so long cannot extend the curtesy to respond. But whatever.

That is an inside job. From within. No one can give it to you, I’m afraid. You and you alone can give yourself that peace by knowing you’ve done all you can and making peace with the thought that there is no more that needs to be done. It’s ok to let go. 

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You need to stop all communication with this guy.

I disagree with your boyfriend that contacting your ex was a good idea. It sounds like your current guy has little self-respect and is desperate for you to let go of him, and gave you some very misguided advice.  Most boyfriends would have told you to take a hike if you'd demanded they be okay with this toxic friendship with your ex, if I may be blunt. 

It's time for you to let go and move on. You clealry haven't really done so, and it's hurting you and your relationship. 

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Yeah, is time to stop this with your 'ex'. You two are done.

He does not need to respond or contact you anymore - this YOU need to accept.

Is often, once we cross that line of friendship into a true relationship can be very hard to go backwards. ( sounds like you two gave that a try but didn't work...). Then you respectfully leave him be now.

You 'ignored' his reaching out occasionally for a year before you finally responded back.  At that time, he had moved on. ( so have you).  Was maybe best to just continue on and not do that- as you keep re hashing memories- right?

Learn from this now.  If you are done, then be done!  No more dragging any of this on. Just stop it all.

You have a new BF, focus on that.

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Unless you share children with an ex, it makes no sense to allow any dealings with him to interfere with your present, especially if you want to cultivate a new relationship.

Either you have finished old business, OR you have no business starting new business with someone new.

So the person who owns the power to change this dynamic is YOU. 

I'd quit the ex and learn whether you can salvage the new relationship. If you are in any way resistant to that, then you are still too hung up on the ex to drag a new guy into this mess.

Head high, and move your focus FORward.

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