Jump to content

He broke up before our marriage after 8 years relationship because of a prenup


Guest Anonymous
 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest Anonymous

Hi, it's hard to sum it up, but I will try. Please read the whole thing.

I'm 33, he is 32.

We started dating in 2014 for 6 months then he had to move back to his country and here started the journey of our LDR. All in all, we've been together for 8 years until last January this year, things went south.

The relationship was on and off. We had a lot of fights, we broke up 3-4 times before (always him breaking up then coming back again begging for another chance). I NEVER broke up with him because when I fell in love with him and gave my myself (he is my first), I chose him to be my man and promised that whatever difficulty comes to our way I won't leave and will do my best to figure it out with him. I had other relationships before, but didn't have sex with them. I'm a little conservative person and always wanted to only be with one man for the rest of my life and I told him that so he knows this very well.

Distance had its impact, communication was difficult because he is the type who would ignore you if he's angry, wouldn't communicate or listen, takes days to calm down, sometimes gets verbally aggressive and starts insulting. I'm the type who likes to solve the problem sooner than later, like to talk things out and discuss to find a solution. He is the jealous type and used to comment on what I wear although I don't wear revealing outfits, but if my cleavage shows a bit or my jeans were tight he would not like it. He also didn't like social media and wanted us to delete everything because we fought a lot because of his jealousy. So mainly these were the topics we used to fight about and of course other stuff.

Two things he did to me before, that were really unforgettable. Once he called me the B word and the N word (during our first breakup in 2015). The second is, when I traveled to his country to meet up with him and have a vacation together, on the second day, I saw by chance his snapchat and that there was a girl with some nude content asking guys to send a picture of their private parts, he was checking her and sent her his private part (he shared that picture with me before). I know all of these were red flags, but I forgave all of it and he swore that he did this out of his stupidity because once we had a fight and we didn't talk for 2 weeks so he did this, but nothing else I mean nothing physical.

Fast forward to now, for the past 1.5 years we have been a lot better. It felt like we were young and crazy and we grew up together and learned to be better, but still of course some conflicts happened every now and then, but we were solving things much easier and we accepted some stuff about each other and got tired of fighting and all that. That's why I decided to give it a chance and we really wanted to get married.

He proposed to me in 2018. I decided to sacrifice and move to him leaving my family (I'm extremely attached to my family and have no friends) and leaving my work which is at a great company with a good salary, because he wouldn't be able to leave his work, plus it was difficult for him to move to Europe, it's very long difficult process so I decided to do all of this for him.

So now we decided to get married in January/February 2022 and were planning everything. In October 2021, he suddenly told me that there is something he wants to say to me and he was so embarrassed. He said, you know my uncle wrote all of his properties under my name (because his uncle did some illegal stuff and ran away from taxes, if can't have any properties under his name otherwise the government will take it from him) so he told me that he wants you to sign a prenup that if we divorce, you won't ask for any rights from the uncle's stuff.

I was in a big shock because THAT didn't even cross my mind and I was like what? First of all, I did not know about his uncle's money until much later on in our relationship, like after so many years he told me about it. Second, when I met my ex-fiance, he was just a waiter working at a restaurant I visited with my friend at the time. I have ZERO interest in money and I'm actually in a good condition. We've been through hard times, but never had problems with money so he knows who I am. Plus, I told him before that I didn't like the fact that his uncle is keeping all his stuff with him because IF one day the government catches something, it will be my ex's responsibility and I don't want trouble in my life when we get married. I like everything to be legal and far away from such things. So I told him why doesn't he change it to someone else's name? He said he doesn't trust anyone, but me. He will leave all his wealth to me when he dies because I'm like his son. So I was like ok as you like.

So after he told me about the prenup, he said I already trust you 100% or else I wouldn't marry you, but how can I make him trust because he doesn't know you. I said this is not my problem. It's between you and your uncle. I'm not marrying him, I'm marrying you. You say you trust me, I trust you so we're done. Why are you giving him the right to ASSUME that we will divorce even? Why are you planning this from now while we are planning our marriage and wedding? I don't have to sign something to prove I won't steal because I am NOT such a person and he says he trusts me and has no doubt. Also, it became like a condition. If I don't sign, he will not marry me. So where is the love and sacrifice? While I sacrificed A LOT, my family, my work and I forgave me and took him back multiple times? I wanted this marriage forever and I know what I want, just like how I handled it all these years and never broke up I know I will always work hard to solve anything that comes our way. Anyways after some arguments, he said OK forget it I'm closing the topic and he has I do believe you are also right, but because his uncle has been cheated on by his ex wife and she stole his money before so he is very skeptical about people. I said it's his issue not me. Tell him to give his properties to someone else other than you, I don't care that's it. So now topic is closed.

November 2021, I went again to his country and we bought furniture, met his friends and family ( met them many times even before). Our relationship was the most perfect than ever before.

In December 2021, he was booking his ticket to visit and meet my mom and family and propose officially, but a problem happened with the visa and we had to delay it.

January, I started to feel like he is delaying things on purpose. I asked him is something wrong or you need time tell me, I can understand. He said no all is ok no problems and was about to book one ticket one day, but again the price was high so he was looking for a cheaper one. Until that day in January 24th, he said there is something I need to talk to you about. Then Suddenly sent me a long text saying that, he wants to delay the visit a little bit, he is not in a good financial status, but most importantly, his relationship with his uncle is really bad, everything from his relatives and whole family think that the signature should be settled, they are all supporting the uncle and putting pressure on him, even he had discussions with his friends, that unfortunately he has to respect his uncle's wish, that people change in an instant and he doesn't wanna make a mistake and ruin his life, and that he needs to review our relationship and evaluate things and think a bit and clear his mind. 

I was in a shock because after we closed the topic in October, I had no idea what was going on during the 3 months. We were still preparing to get married and he was about to come. What happened like this? We had an argument and told why didn't you tell me he was annoying you, why we didn't discuss things together again, maybe we could have found some solution. He said you already rejected before and he started to blame me for all of this. Then we stopped talking for a month. I gave him time as he asked for me. He sent me nothing on Valentine's Day and I didn't. I felt that he took the decision to break up already with himself without informing me.

My mom talked to him because she was asking me a lot like where is he and when is he coming because the whole family was waiting for him and he knows it. He was like there are some problems with my uncle and all that, she told him that she sacrificed too much for you and you are putting a condition to marry her? Solve your problem with your uncle because it's not her issue and we are not such a family who would want money. He said no no I trust her 100% and It's not about this, the issue is that I don't wanna get married for 2-3 years and then get divorced because me and her are different and we fight a lot!!! Say what? This was NOT the reason, it's just an excuse he is using to hide that he cannot convince his uncle nor leave his uncle's wealth go to someone else. Because if this was your reason, why would you even marry me from the first place? Plus he WAS booking his tickets and visa! Anyways he told her that he will talk to me about this and he didn't say he broke up or anything. He left it open.

After a week of nothing, my sister text him, this became a family issue now because we all waiting here and you asked for time and we gave it to you out of respect, we think it's time for you to decide. He said it's already clear it's done! She told him how could you decide alone there while you making people wait for you here cause you asked for time, like how is this fair? He said maybe you're right, but I don't deserve this I'm tired and lost my cheerfulness and if I discuss with her she will make herself the perfect one! Then he said anyways I will try something soon. Wow!

That night I text him to thank his uncle for me because he put him in a test to prove his love and loyalty, but he failed a big time and showed his true face and that he chose money over me and our love. and I just blocked him from everywhere (he still didn't I don't know even why).

He was more than a lover to me, he was family. He knew my family and my sister was kinda close to him also. We've been through a lot together, but sold me out in a moment and couldn't stand by me in front of his family and my family.

I'm sorry this is long, but what do you guys think? Please don't come and tell me if someone doesn't sign a prenup they have eyes on something because this is definitely not the case always. I met him with no money and ready to marry him with no money and told him this. This topic is a lot deeper to me than just a signature. I feel betrayed and left behind. I mean we're adults and we shouldn't be affected by anyone else, I fought my family a lot to accept him after all what he did to me until I let them respect my decision and accept him. Why couldn't he fight for me if I was his life partner as always said to me?

 

Thanks in advance!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Mikess1978 said:

I am so sorry this happened to you. 8 years is huge time and you cannot build trust after 8 years, I guess you guys never will.

This will be a very hard decision but you should move on. 

Thank you!

You are right. I just don't know I'm at a point now where I'm doubting myself and if I took the right decision. Although I'm confident that if you truly love someone you don't let go of them this way. It is clear that he chose to keep his uncle's wealth in hopes he gets it when the uncle passes away instead of sticking to his love with me through thick and thin. I mean the best option was that he asks his uncle to remove his name from the properties, but he didn't do it for me. It sounds like he doubts that we will divorce more than trusting that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That why he pulled himself without even any confrontation which is totally coward. Still, I keep questioning myself whether I blamed him and couldn't understand him. But it's too late all damaged and my family dislike him so much all over again and all my efforts went for nothing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, ending this has been the best decision you've made in the past 8 years. It's a bit shocking to read what you've put up with.

Your blind commitment to this man has lead you down a path of a very toxic, on/off relationship with a person who is controlling, dishonest, whose family is dishonest, and you don't really truly know the whole extent of it. If you  were to get married, you could well end up in jail yourself as a spouse or end up fighting for dear life to avoid that. You have no idea what his uncle has really done, how soon the government will catch on, and what else these people might be up to.

Stay far away from this man and anyone connected with him. In fact block and delete all contact so he cannot come back, since you already have this on/off dynamic.

Also, please sit down with yourself and figure out what healthy normal relationships actually look like. What you believe in and the type of blind commitment you've engaged in too often lands women in dangerous abusive relationships. You need to learn how to judge and how to determine what is and is not OK and when to walk away.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You dodged a major bullet here.

I would have been gone permanently when he called you the "n" word and the "b" word. Guarantee that would have happened again, and worse. It shows he has zero respect for you, your gender and your race.

Not to mention the criminal activities his family is involved in. Who's to say those "properties" were legally obtained? And who's to say he wouldn't have ended up being held criminally responsible for owning and/or accepting illegally gained property?

I'm sorry that eight years of your life were taken up with someone who isn't a good partner for you. But you won't need to worry any longer about possible exposure to criminal activity. Good riddance.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I feel betrayed and left behind.

As you should. I am so glad you stood up for yourself and that you didn't sign his stupid document. I think it would be a terrible mistake to marry him, and marry into a family like his!

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry.  Its is a hurtful situation.  but for what it's worth, you are better off.

You don't want to marry into a family that openly supports hiding, lying deceitful actions to the government. That's a super easy way to ruin your life. 

It will take strength and a lot of self care to move on, but you can do it. 

Look at the situation through the lessons you've leaved and use them to make better choices for potential partners going forward. 

Find a local guy in your own country with similar values. You'll get through this. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Honestly, ending this has been the best decision you've made in the past 8 years. It's a bit shocking to read what you've put up with.

Your blind commitment to this man has lead you down a path of a very toxic, on/off relationship with a person who is controlling, dishonest, whose family is dishonest, and you don't really truly know the whole extent of it. If you  were to get married, you could well end up in jail yourself as a spouse or end up fighting for dear life to avoid that. You have no idea what his uncle has really done, how soon the government will catch on, and what else these people might be up to.

Stay far away from this man and anyone connected with him. In fact block and delete all contact so he cannot come back, since you already have this on/off dynamic.

Also, please sit down with yourself and figure out what healthy normal relationships actually look like. What you believe in and the type of blind commitment you've engaged in too often lands women in dangerous abusive relationships. You need to learn how to judge and how to determine what is and is not OK and when to walk away.

Thank you for the advice. Definitely feels like a blind commitment and kind of one-sided. I'm trying my best to hold my ground, but it's really difficult at times I start asking myself, what if I just accepted to sign instead of making it a problem leading to a breakup? I do understand how it's difficult to trust people during these times and that that was his uncle's request, but at the same time something felt not right and after all not everyone should have the same opinion about prenups, like it seems to me that he chose to keep his uncle's properties and lose me for that. I'm sure his family and friends pressured him and made him feel like it's best to just cut me off and all the pressure. It felt easier for him to lose me than lose the money and fight for me like I've always fought for him.

I will keep reminding myself that I made the best decision and focus on me and move on though. I neglected myself way too much because of how he opposed everything I wanted to do or pursue. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be glad you are free of all this.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes he is the same guy.

My family used to dislike him in the beginning because of what he did and said to me back in the first year we've been dating, but then we broke up for 8 months and he came back apologizing and saying how stupid he was and how he just wanted to hurt me with anything and that he wasn't a racist person. I forgave him. He never used such words again after that. Slowly slowly my family started to accept him because I was working hard on it and plus he was getting better little by little, but now after how he left me behind for his uncle's money, everything came back to zero and they said he is really a coward and a betrayer because he kept us all hanging here while he broke up silently over there by himself without informing which is I don't know how to describe even. Just pure disrespect.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You dodged a major bullet here.

I would have been gone permanently when he called you the "n" word and the "b" word. Guarantee that would have happened again, and worse. It shows he has zero respect for you, your gender and your race.

Not to mention the criminal activities his family is involved in. Who's to say those "properties" were legally obtained? And who's to say he wouldn't have ended up being held criminally responsible for owning and/or accepting illegally gained property?

I'm sorry that eight years of your life were taken up with someone who isn't a good partner for you. But you won't need to worry any longer about possible exposure to criminal activity. Good riddance.

I agree. His uncle was even in jail for a short time and then did this move so that the government won't take money from him when they see he has no properties or anything. He and his family don't want him to lose this amount of money. It's around 1 million USD. So I'm sure they told him if she loves you she would just sign so that you don't lose this wealth and to prove she has no eyes on it. He unfortunately didn't chose me or to stand by me.

Those 8 years just went for nothing. I mean we had good times and he has some good traits as well and he was helping me and my sister with our business which we opened in his country. He's really a helpful guy and usually generous, but I don't have the bad side of him seems way more than the good side specially during hard times.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

As you should. I am so glad you stood up for yourself and that you didn't sign his stupid document. I think it would be a terrible mistake to marry him, and marry into a family like his!

 

Exactly! As much as I understand that it's hard to trust people, but after knowing me for 8 years and my family and trying me in many hard times and seeing me always being by his side, I mean come on. At least fight for me and don't blame me for it. Entering marriage with doubts and plans for divorce before we even marry is just too negative. Also informing me about this issue just 3-4 months before our marriage plan and putting it as a condition to marry and then just leaving me like that without notice is just super frustrating and heartbreaking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I'm sorry.  Its is a hurtful situation.  but for what it's worth, you are better off.

You don't want to marry into a family that openly supports hiding, lying deceitful actions to the government. That's a super easy way to ruin your life. 

It will take strength and a lot of self care to move on, but you can do it. 

Look at the situation through the lessons you've leaved and use them to make better choices for potential partners going forward. 

Find a local guy in your own country with similar values. You'll get through this. 

Thank you so much for the support! It really makes me feel good to know that I did the right thing. I was doubting myself and blaming myself like why didn't I just sign, but after the issue was dragged, I was able to see his true face and how he easily chose his uncle's money over our 8 years love and efforts. At least discuss it with me, fight for me, but no, leaving me was the easiest way out for me. 

I'll do my best to improve myself and move on. I'll follow my dreams and goal and create the life I've always wanted and then maybe I can think of getting into a new relationship, although I kinda lost hope in meeting someone good.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

As Dr. Phil says, the only thing worse than being in the wrong relationship for eight years is being in it for eight years and one day.

Take this as a lesson for the future. He showed you ugly sides of himself earlier on. You chose to disregard his absolute disrespect of you and gloss over it with your family. But your family, who loves you, saw through his facade. Don't allow wishes and hopes to cloud your judgment. 

You seem kind and like you have a great future ahead of you. The right man for you could be around the corner. Now that you've gotten rid of the wrong one you are free to meet the right one.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

33 minutes ago, Yostina said:

I'll follow my dreams and goal and create the life I've always wanted and then maybe I can think of getting into a new relationship, although I kinda lost hope in meeting someone good.

How can you lose hope in meeting someone good when you wasted 8 years on someone bad? You haven't even experienced what good is.

OP, healthy relationships are not this difficult. They are not built around strife, hardships, and the whole "what we've been through" or "fighting for" ideas. When you meet an actual good man who is right for you it will be and feel easy. Literally easy.

You will see mostly eye to eye on things because you share values and you get each other intuitively. It will be easy because the relationship is reciprocal - he will support you as much as you support him. A two way street. It will be easy because even when you disagree about something, you can sit down and discuss things and come up with an easy compromise that you are both happy with. Keep in mind that it's not a compromise when you give all and he gives little to nothing.

Again, with heavy emphasis - you have a very toxic understanding of what relationships should be like and what your role in the relationship is and really need to work on that and figure out what healthy looks like.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, learn to pay attention more to your family. If you have to hide what your relationship is really like or how your partner treats you from your family because they won't approve or be happy with that - that is THE biggest sign that you are in a toxic relationship. Ditto for if you share with your family how you are being treated or they witness how you are being treated and get upset on your behalf - LISTEN to them.  They are correct. Don't be in a relationship where you have to defend the behaviors of your SO to your friends and family.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

As Dr. Phil says, the only thing worse than being in the wrong relationship for eight years is being in it for eight years and one day.

Take this as a lesson for the future. He showed you ugly sides of himself earlier on. You chose to disregard his absolute disrespect of you and gloss over it with your family. But your family, who loves you, saw through his facade. Don't allow wishes and hopes to cloud your judgment. 

You seem kind and like you have a great future ahead of you. The right man for you could be around the corner. Now that you've gotten rid of the wrong one you are free to meet the right one.

That's true. It's time for me to be honest with myself and take it at face value. Can't waste more of my precious time on such people. I'll do my best! Truly appreciate your words and advice. Thank you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, DancingFool said:

How can you lose hope in meeting someone good when you wasted 8 years on someone bad? You haven't even experienced what good is.

OP, healthy relationships are not this difficult. They are not built around strife, hardships, and the whole "what we've been through" or "fighting for" ideas. When you meet an actual good man who is right for you it will be and feel easy. Literally easy.

You will see mostly eye to eye on things because you share values and you get each other intuitively. It will be easy because the relationship is reciprocal - he will support you as much as you support him. A two way street. It will be easy because even when you disagree about something, you can sit down and discuss things and come up with an easy compromise that you are both happy with. Keep in mind that it's not a compromise when you give all and he gives little to nothing.

Again, with heavy emphasis - you have a very toxic understanding of what relationships should be like and what your role in the relationship is and really need to work on that and figure out what healthy looks like.

You're right. Unfortunately, I've never been in a healthy relationship before and I really don't know how that feels. I've always said to myself though that healthy relationships should bring you peace and not stress all the time, but of course I wasted 8 years with him and didn't give myself a chance to find a decent man. I wish I handled things differently way back before, but it is what it is. Lesson learned and life goes on. 

Do you have any book recommendations or know of anyone who teaches about healthy relationships on YouTube that I can watch? I really need to work on this as you said.

Thanks a lot for your time and solid advice! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Yostina said:

 I forgave him. 

This was the biggest mistake of your life. 

Now you're free to date local, decent appropriate men.

Never try this hard to turn trash into treasure.

If someone reveals themselves as garbage, cut your losses immediately.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This was the biggest mistake of your life. 

Now you're free to date local, decent appropriate men.

Never try this hard to turn trash into treasure.

If someone reveals themselves as garbage, cut your losses immediately.

100% true. That moment I took him back was my biggest mistake. From now on, I'll stop collecting red flags and just get enough with one. Thank you Wiseman!

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, Yostina said:

although I kinda lost hope in meeting someone good.

ok. this is understandable right now but don't let the bad experiences make you bitter and unwilling to give chances for good to come to you. 

Yes, you got hurt but you admit that it was not always a happy 8 years. Try to remember longevity of a relationship is not the same as its quality.

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

50 minutes ago, Lambert said:

ok. this is understandable right now but don't let the bad experiences make you bitter and unwilling to give chances for good to come to you. 

Yes, you got hurt but you admit that it was not always a happy 8 years. Try to remember longevity of a relationship is not the same as its quality.

 

Thinking of the 8 years now, the happy moments were actually less comparing to all the suffering and torture. From now on, I'll just focus on healing myself and on quality for future relationships. Thank you Lambert!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Yostina said:

Thinking of the 8 years now, the happy moments were actually less comparing to all the suffering and torture. From now on, I'll just focus on healing myself and on quality for future relationships. Thank you Lambert!

I totally get. We love people, want to see the best in them, give them chances and work things out.  All relationships require this.  but I think it was Miss Canuck or Dancing fool that explained, things should be a lot easier because you share the same values. 

When you find yourself explaining love to someone, you have to question things...  stop pouring more of yourself into them and take stock of the situation and the relationship.

Some things can't be explained. It either is there or it isn't. And you must be honest with yourself going forward in order to make these types of decisions.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So the uncle uses his nephew as a shell to hide money from his ex-wife...and the nephew, your ex is totally cool with this.   Hiding assets with another adult doesn't help you evade taxes - it's to avoid splitting of assets when divorcing.  You dodged a bullet because that guy will do the exact same thing to you. And that di*k pic...wow, I would have thrown his phone down a well.  Any man who calls you a B and N word because he got caught will always be a CHILD.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Lambert said:

I totally get. We love people, want to see the best in them, give them chances and work things out.  All relationships require this.  but I think it was Miss Canuck or Dancing fool that explained, things should be a lot easier because you share the same values. 

When you find yourself explaining love to someone, you have to question things...  stop pouring more of yourself into them and take stock of the situation and the relationship.

Some things can't be explained. It either is there or it isn't. And you must be honest with yourself going forward in order to make these types of decisions.

Totally right. I was always trying to explain love to him, but unfortunately it was in vain. Many times I was not even allowed to take my time to express my frustration with something or get upset about something. He ways has a way to blame me for almost everything and sound like he is the victim. He was also verbally abusive sometimes, calls me an idiot or without a brain... etc like he did in the last fight. Oh it was terrible!

I'll take everyone's advice anymore because I found out that I was the only one who was always trying to justify his awful acts and treatment. Thanks once again for all the support! 🙏

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...