Jump to content

Is this still considered cheating because I sure think it is?


Recommended Posts

My bf, now ex was doing a long distance thing. We had this connection and talked everyday for hours, texted all day, and had FaceTime dates. This was hours and hours of talking. But we did not meet yet. We became bf/gf even before meeting but we are old enough to know that we have something, I’m 30 and he’s 34 years old. 

We told each other we love each other already and he said I’m the love of his life and wants to marry me. BUT I found out he was talking to another girl and they were talking about intimate stuff, sending each other private pics. He doesn’t know that I know that. While he was texting with that girl about intimate stuff, he was also texting me how much he loves me. Isn’t this considered cheating? I know we didn’t meet yet but don’t tell me he loves me and he sees a Future with me and then do this. He ended it and met another girl on an app within days after telling me he loves me. Now she’s his gf and he tells her she’s the love of his life. And I’m stuck here grieving over a guy I never met like a real heartbreak. And he doesn’t even care about me. And it stings me so much that she thinks he’s the greatest guy ever because I’m sure he’s good to her. Is it just to me that he’s doing this and he’s so good to her??

I blocked him from everything and it’s been a month since we ended. But I’m having a hard time moving
on because my feelings were genuine. Please no harsh words.. can’t take them right now..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry you are struggling.  That must have felt like a slap in the face or worse.  I cannot imagine.  You got attached to a person you never met and you know -watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -what he says.  Seems to me it doesn't matter if it's cheating.  I mean I don't think so because I don't think you can cheat on someone you're not married to or in a committed romantic relationship with and you weren't -he's a stranger for all romantic purposes.  But however you label it this person said he had serious intentions towards you and hoped you would meet but yet was saying the same to at least this one other person if not more.  So it's just like if you have a platonic friend online, she promises to meet you in person and you buy plane tickets, or put time into planning it and or $ of some kind and then she disappears after you've spent the $.  That's also a betrayal despite not being "cheating."

I hope you don't dwell on whether this is "cheating" of the kind that can occur in a real romantic relationship.  You are hurt because he said one thing and did another that was inconsistent and also behind your back.  Of course your feelings were genuine. But they were based on a person you didn't know for purposes of romantic compatibility because you hadn't yet met or dated in person much less had a romantic relationship in person.  Still doesn't make your feelings any less valid or make it hurt less. What you did was risk getting attached to a stranger. 

You had time where you had very positive feelings, excited feeling, hopeful feelings about this person.  That is a vulnerable position you chose to be in before meeting in person.  But you did get benefits from those feelings -you felt happy and excited.  I'm really sorry that now you feel hurt and so upset.  I hope you feel better.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry you're going through this, OP. 

I would say that his behaviour was hurtful disrespectful, yes. Was it cheating? That's your call. The parameters here are different since you had never met and it's never a good idea to consider yourself committed to a stranger. But he lied and misled you, without a doubt. 

5 hours ago, Ideservewbetter said:

Is it just to me that he’s doing this and he’s so good to her??

Very unlikely. He's probably promising these other women the moon too, all the while chatting with others. He might not even actually be single in real life, either. He sounds like a total horndog who goes after women he perceives as vulnerable and uses them for attention and online jollies. 

In the future, please be very wary of a stranger claiming he loves you and wants to marry you. Big red flags. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well he wasn't the one, he didn't love you and you definitely deserve better , date someone local, but don't go back, bury this chapter of your life forever!

don't worry over someone who didn't respect you and the relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, Ideservewbetter said:

My bf, now ex was doing a long distance thing. We had this connection and talked everyday for hours, texted all day, and had FaceTime dates. This was hours and hours of talking. But we did not meet yet. We became bf/gf even before meeting but we are old enough to know that we have something, I’m 30 and he’s 34 years old. 

We told each other we love each other already and he said I’m the love of his life and wants to marry me. BUT I found out he was talking to another girl and they were talking about intimate stuff, sending each other private pics. He doesn’t know that I know that. While he was texting with that girl about intimate stuff, he was also texting me how much he loves me. Isn’t this considered cheating? I know we didn’t meet yet but don’t tell me he loves me and he sees a Future with me and then do this. He ended it and met another girl on an app within days after telling me he loves me. Now she’s his gf and he tells her she’s the love of his life. And I’m stuck here grieving over a guy I never met like a real heartbreak. And he doesn’t even care about me. And it stings me so much that she thinks he’s the greatest guy ever because I’m sure he’s good to her. Is it just to me that he’s doing this and he’s so good to her??

I blocked him from everything and it’s been a month since we ended. But I’m having a hard time moving
on because my feelings were genuine. Please no harsh words.. can’t take them right now..

How are you able to have access to his personal messages? 

All you can do is screen better. Anyone who contacts you from a distance is a red flag.

Anyone who electronically tethers you to this extreme is a red flag.

Anyone who "loves you and wants to marry you" before even meeting is a red flag 🚩.

You dodged a bullet. Read up on romance scams. This has almost all of the red flags 🚩.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single real life men you can meet in a timely fashion and get to know through regular in person dating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He showered you with words of commitment, so of course you had expectations of fidelity.

LDRs are very high risk. You don't truly know the person, you can't see where they go or what they do because they are miles away. They could even be married with kids, a criminal, or even not who they are at all (scammer/catfish). I get it people can get real lonely and isolated, and find themselves looking for comfort and connection. The internet makes it very easy. 

I agree it's time to date someone irl by getting yourself a good dating profile, be more active with groups, hobbies, friends, activities. Date locally. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Ideservewbetter said:

Is it just to me that he’s doing this and he’s so good to her??
 

To answer your question, he may or may not be doing this to others and there's no reasonable way to know from where you are unless you hire someone and let's not go down that route. What you do know is that he's capable of doing this. With that knowledge, rest assured he's probably not someone you wish to know any longer. 

I'm sorry you're hurting like this. Take some time to recoup to yourself and spend time with loving friends and family. Be with your hobbies and your support network and readjust. Date locally when you're ready.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, Ideservewbetter said:

He ended it and met another girl on an app within days after telling me he loves me. Now she’s his gf and he tells her she’s the love of his life. And I’m stuck here grieving over a guy I never met like a real heartbreak. And he doesn’t even care about me.

Sorry things turned out this way for you 😕 .

But, I also ask, how do you know all of this, that he's been doing?

Obviously, sounds like he's a player.  No, he was not genuine towards you and like he was just playing the field... yah. idiot... I know a few like this 😕 .

I say to learn from this experience.. get to know the person for real and give all more time and truly meet, BEFORE you go any further re: feelings.

Apparently age has nothing to do with it.. I know a cpl guys who are also a little off & they're in their 50's.

The world is at their finger tips.. they know this.  Heck, I have an ex who's got his gf there for last 2 yrs and he still hangs out on a dating site - but I feel this is just more his 'habbit' now.  He doesn't actually speak to other women.. Is just how he is. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To answer your main question - not he isn't just doing it you and being some kind of a magically wonderful bf to someone else. A person who will manipulate you, lie to you, and play with your emotions will do the exact same to everyone else too. They are good to only one person in their life - themselves.

For whatever reason, you were vulnerable and got caught up in an online fantasy. Unfortunately, you are learning the hard way that the emotions, feelings that you develop, and the pain are all 100% real.

Big internet hugs and please step away from him and anything that connects you to him. Block, delete and focus on real life. Get out of the house, lean on family or friends, take care of yourself, immerse in work, find things to do that you like. The pain does go away and having other things to focus on helps a lot.

Going forward, if you are not able to meet quickly for a coffee in real life and take things into real life dating, do not carry on. No amount of chatting online replaces real life. If he hasn't met you, he cannot love you in any real sense. Love takes time and face to face presence to develop.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...