Jump to content

How should I handle this ?


Recommended Posts

To be honest I think that maybe a lot of your disappointment comes from the fact that you only have this one friend and you're putting a lot of expectations on this friendship. Of course it's fine to want your friend to catch up with you or reply to your messages. I just got the impression that you get really disappointed if your friend is busy or can't see you. It's OK for people to also have other friends, hobbies, commitments, their job, and so on.

I actually have a best friend of 12 years and we're really close. We used to hang out at least once or twice a week and talk on the phone and text as well when we were younger and single and things like that. Now we both have a partner, my friend works full-time, does a dance class twice a week, and she made some new friends as well that she spends time with. I don't see her or speak to her as much as I used to but I know that she still really cares about me and our friendship. I just know that she's not free that much so I don't expect to see her or talk to her probably more than once a week these days. 

I understand you're a bit disappointed your friend doesn't see you much. I think rather than putting all your hopes and expectations on only this one friend, you should try to make other friends. I think that's great that you're seeing some of your friends from work. If you made any friends at your new job, maybe you could ask them to have lunch or coffee together on your lunch break or do something after work?

Does your town have any Meetup groups or social events? If you'd like to make more female friends, you could try (mostly) female oriented hobbies like book clubs, cooking classes, arts and crafts, etc. There are also some phone apps which are just for making friends. For example Patook or Bumble BFF. It's basically the dating app Bumble but you switch to the friendship mode which is just to meet other women for friends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

To be honest I think that maybe a lot of your disappointment comes from the fact that you only have this one friend and you're putting a lot of expectations on this friendship. Of course it's fine to want your friend to catch up with you or reply to your messages. I just got the impression that you get really disappointed if your friend is busy or can't see you. It's OK for people to also have other friends, hobbies, commitments, their job, and so on.

 

I actually have lots of friends, and among them another close friend that I see regularly.

We don't live in the same city but we definitely text and call each other waay more often lol 

Now that I think about it, there has been a whole year and a half during which we didn't see each other at all, but we still managed to keep in touch. She's the one I will be traveling with in September and she's coming on Saturday 🙂

Having said that, I agree that I am putting a lot of expectations on this friendship. We used to confide in each other and share our most intimates feelings. We still do kind of do when we see each other but it's so sparse that it feels like it's "incomplete" 

If I text her about anything, she'll literally take ages to reply. I can't remember the last time we had a text conversation and she replied within 5 minutes (this goes back to 2020, I think) 😅

So I just stopped texting at all except to tell her I am back in town 😔

Anyway, I can't do anything about it.

I should just suck it up and accept the fact that we no longer have this kind of friendship. We have known each other for 15 years, maybe that's why I am so hung up on it 🤔

 

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I actually have a best friend of 12 years and we're really close. We used to hang out at least once or twice a week and talk on the phone and text as well when we were younger and single and things like that. Now we both have a partner, my friend works full-time, does a dance class twice a week, and she made some new friends as well that she spends time with. I don't see her or speak to her as much as I used to but I know that she still really cares about me and our friendship. I just know that she's not free that much so I don't expect to see her or talk to her probably more than once a week these day

Yes, I know life can get in the way and it's totally normal.  I have a time-consuming job and I can imagine that when you have a family, priorities shift 

But once a week is decent so I am happy for you and your friend 🙂

 

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I understand you're a bit disappointed your friend doesn't see you much. I think rather than putting all your hopes and expectations on only this one friend, you should try to make other friends. I think that's great that you're seeing some of your friends from work. If you made any friends at your new job, maybe you could ask them to have lunch or coffee together on your lunch break or do something after work?

Thank you 🙂 No, I haven't made any new friends in my new job but I hope I will soon 

But it's true that I should just get more friends to fill the void (not in a bad sense) that's all I can do 

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Does your town have any Meetup groups or social events? If you'd like to make more female friends, you could try (mostly) female oriented hobbies like book clubs, cooking classes, arts and crafts, etc. There are also some phone apps which are just for making friends. For example Patook or Bumble BFF. It's basically the dating app Bumble but you switch to the friendship mode which is just to meet other women for friends.

I checked and, there's no meet up in my town 😥 It's a shame 

I love to dance, so I suppose I could join a dance class 🙂

Thank you for the option of the dating app, I think I will consider it 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you 

"To be honest, I wouldn't expect anything out of this friendship as regardless of what's happening you're not communicating that much." 

Does that still apply ? 

It seems few and far between, frankly. I can't tell if you're very worried in general about friendships or if she (this person in particular) doesn't tell you enough about her life. You seem to keep having the same issue with her that she doesn't reply fast enough or not enough info etc.

That's why you're trying for, to be more involved and have more of a friendship so give it a try now that you're back in the same town. 

I'd step back a bit and just enjoy the time together without stressing out too much overall about this friendship. People do evolve or grow apart and less dependent on some friendships.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

 

I actually have lots of friends, and among them another close friend that I see regularly.

We don't live in the same city but we definitely text and call each other waay more often lol 

Now that I think about it, there has been a whole year and a half during which we didn't see each other at all, but we still managed to keep in touch. She's the one I will be traveling with in September and she's coming on Saturday 🙂

Having said that, I agree that I am putting a lot of expectations on this friendship. We used to confide in each other and share our most intimates feelings. We still do kind of do when we see each other but it's so sparse that it feels like it's "incomplete" 

If I text her about anything, she'll literally take ages to reply. I can't remember the last time we had a text conversation and she replied within 5 minutes (this goes back to 2020, I think) 😅

So I just stopped texting at all except to tell her I am back in town 😔

Anyway, I can't do anything about it.

I should just suck it up and accept the fact that we no longer have this kind of friendship. We have known each other for 15 years, maybe that's why I am so hung up on it 🤔

 

Yes, I know life can get in the way and it's totally normal.  I have a time-consuming job and I can imagine that when you have a family, priorities shift 

But once a week is decent so I am happy for you and your friend 🙂

 

Thank you 🙂 No, I haven't made any new friends in my new job but I hope I will soon 

But it's true that I should just get more friends to fill the void (not in a bad sense) that's all I can do 

I checked and, there's no meet up in my town 😥 It's a shame 

I love to dance, so I suppose I could join a dance class 🙂

Thank you for the option of the dating app, I think I will consider it 

Well I understand that it's disappointing when you used to be close to your friend but now she doesn't reply much. Sometimes unfortunately people do start to drift apart more. I'm not sure if maybe a part of it was that you moved away for a few years but I know you still tried to keep in touch and see your friend when you came back to your hometown. Has your friend's life changed in any ways? E.g. Did she find a partner, get new hobbies, things like that?

My other best friend that I always used to hang out with got married in 2012 and had kids so I haven't seen her that often since because she's so busy. We do keep in touch mainly by text message and chatting on Facebook but not constantly.

I think if you enjoy dancing, dance classes could be a fun hobby and usually has mainly women there. So there might be opportunities to make more friends. I think don't put pressure on yourself or others though to have friends, catch up and things like that. I think maybe just try to keep yourself busy with work and hobbies and if something happens naturally, that's great. But if it doesn't then try not to feel bad about it.

Sometimes unfortunately you do need to be the one making effort and reaching out, at least at the start. I think it's not that other people don't want to be friends,  but they probably already have their own friends and their own life. So they don't need to try to make new friends, but they could be open to it if you make the effort first. For example, I have a lot of friends and I'm pretty busy, but I'm a really friendly person. So if someone was being nice to me, I would be happy to get to know them. But I might not necessarily start asking them to catch up myself first, if that makes sense?

Edited by Tinydance
Link to comment
Share on other sites

48 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I can't tell if you're very worried in general about friendships or if she (this person in particular) doesn't tell you enough about her life

I really am not. 

I am usually laid-back regarding friendships and I have never stressed over them, it's the first time that I feel this way

52 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

That's why you're trying for, to be more involved and have more of a friendship so give it a try now that you're back in the same town. 

Yes, that's what I am going to do and we'll see 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I understand that it's disappointing when you used to be close to your friend but now she doesn't reply much. Sometimes unfortunately people do start to drift apart more. I'm not sure if maybe a part of it was that you moved away for a few years but I know you still tried to keep in touch and see your friend when you came back to your hometown. Has your friend's life changed in any ways? E.g. Did she find a partner, get new hobbies, things like that?

I don't think so, she already had a partner before I left but they broke up 1.5 year ago. She has been  casually dating another guy for a year. Nothing significant 

 

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think if you enjoy dancing, dance classes could be a fun hobby and usually has mainly women there. So there might be opportunities to make more friends. I think don't put pressure on yourself or others though to have friends, catch up and things like that. I think maybe just try to keep yourself busy with work and hobbies and if something happens naturally, that's great. But if it doesn't then try not to feel bad about it.

Thank you very much, that's a good advice 

I am already checking on the internet how I can join several activities related to my hobbies 🙂 Hope that helps 

 

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Sometimes unfortunately you do need to be the one making effort and reaching out, at least at the start. I think it's not that other people don't want to be friends,  but they probably already have their own friends and their own life. So they don't need to try to make new friends, but they could be open to it if you make the effort first. For example, I have a lot of friends and I'm pretty busy, but I'm a really friendly person. So if someone was being nice to me, I would be happy to get to know them. But I might not necessarily start asking them to catch up myself first, if that makes sense?

 

That makes sense 🙂 I know what you mean, I don't know if it's her case but you make a good point 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I think I am going to test the water when I see her and offer her to join me and my other friend on Saturday (we are planning to go to a pick up strawberry farm  ). If she declines and more importantly, if she seems reluctant to make plans with me in the near future, I will get the message 

 

Besides, if she's really distant can't I just say something like "I feel like I really have to insist for us to see each other, can you tell me if I am bothering you ?"  or "I feel we kind of drifted apart this year. Is it just in my head ? I just want to make sure it's not because of something I said/have done. You can be honest"

Because I am always the one offering to meet-up and I don't want her to feel pressured 
I prefer to hear the truth, even if it's hurtful 

 

Or is it too confrontational and nosy ? 

Edited by Shycarrot
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

 can't I just say something like "I feel like I really have to insist for us to see each other, can you tell me if I am bothering you ?"  or "I feel we kind of drifted apart this year. Is it just in my head ? I just want to make sure it's not because of something I said/have done. You can be honest"

It's great to invite her to tag along, but if she declines, it doesn't mean anything.

Yes, skip the heavy-handed relationship-type talk. It's awkward.

Focus on your other friends and yes take classes and courses such as yoga, dance whatever. Also join some groups and clubs, volunteer.

And definitely get a new fresh profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting people.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

31 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I think I am going to test the water when I see her and offer her to join me and my other friend on Saturday (we are planning to go to a pick up strawberry farm  ). If she declines and more importantly, if she seems reluctant to make plans with me in the near future, I will get the message 

 

Besides, if she's really distant can't I just say something like "I feel like I really have to insist for us to see each other, can you tell me if I am bothering you ?"  or "I feel we kind of drifted apart this year. Is it just in my head ? I just want to make sure it's not because of something I said/have done. You can be honest"

Because I am always the one offering to meet-up and I don't want her to feel pressured 
I prefer to hear the truth, even if it's hurtful 

 

Or is it too confrontational and nosy ? 

Are you going to type this or say this? I'd be tempted too but I wouldn't.  Actions will tell you and let her decline and then put the ball in her court for next time.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

50 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Besides, if she's really distant can't I just say something like "I feel like I really have to insist for us to see each other, can you tell me if I am bothering you ?"  or "I feel we kind of drifted apart this year. Is it just in my head ? I just want to make sure it's not because of something I said/have done. You can be honest"

 

Too heavy-handed. Its like asking "Why dont you like me?". Its pointless to poke for a reasons why your company is no longer prefferable. People drift away. Get in a different stages of life. Friends are people who you enjoy being in the company with and who enjoy being in your company. If she doesnt want to hang out, let her be and drift away. There is no point in "chasing" anybody who doesnt appreciate your company.

Last year I made a mistake and reconnected with one of my former friends. Our mutual college friend died. So we reconnected over that. So, when she was in country(she now lives in different one) she wanted me to come to her town not far away. So I swallowed the pride(even though I thought I shouldnt because she drifted for couple of years, never contacting me even if she was in my town), bought her and her kids a gift and gone. It was OK, we havent seen each other for quite a while so we had a lot to talk. However, after that do you think I got one "Hey, how are you doing?". How about her congratulating my birthday? Even though I regularly congratulate hers. What I am trying to say is, some friendships are not worth keeping. Focus more on others and other stuff. You are going to strawberry farm, enjoy that and dont let her ruin that for you.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

46 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Too heavy-handed. Its like asking "Why dont you like me?". Its pointless to poke for a reasons why your company is no longer prefferable. People drift away. Get in a different stages of life. Friends are people who you enjoy being in the company with and who enjoy being in your company. If she doesnt want to hang out, let her be and drift away. There is no point in "chasing" anybody who doesnt appreciate your company.

Last year I made a mistake and reconnected with one of my former friends. Our mutual college friend died. So we reconnected over that. So, when she was in country(she now lives in different one) she wanted me to come to her town not far away. So I swallowed the pride(even though I thought I shouldnt because she drifted for couple of years, never contacting me even if she was in my town), bought her and her kids a gift and gone. It was OK, we havent seen each other for quite a while so we had a lot to talk. However, after that do you think I got one "Hey, how are you doing?". How about her congratulating my birthday? Even though I regularly congratulate hers. What I am trying to say is, some friendships are not worth keeping. Focus more on others and other stuff. You are going to strawberry farm, enjoy that and dont let her ruin that for you.

Read and reread this.  I have one flaky/MIA friend now chasing me because after 18 months of going MIA she randomly contacted me in April while we were out of town.  Pretense was "parenting question" which ended up being, if true, just pretense. 

Anyway I was polite in responding but maintained my distance. Why? Because even before she went MIA I sensed that she was unreliable, didn't think we had shared ethics/values and also got the impression she wanted me to "invest" in her frequent entrepreneurial ideas that went nowhere.  She also has a medical condition and a mental health condition.  But our sons were friends for awhile and her husband and I had a lot in common (totally platonic and I never texted him other than "we are on our way" -but I met him first, and his mom years ago at a childrens playroom at a museum).  Meaning there was zero issue with my also being friendly to her husband in her presence when our families got together. 

Now since April she'll randomly text me and try to get in my good graces etc because now she realizes she went too far.  I like her facebook posts if they have to do with her son (our sons haven't seen each other in years although maybe online gaming).  I was direct when she got back in touch and said she was "thinking of me" and happy when I responded.  I wrote to her "I don't understand why you were concerned -you haven't contacted me in a very long time".  I am polite in my responses but my point is -I've been burned by her.  It hurt when she treated me so dispensably.  I'm not up for round two.  So now she sees this and now - gasp- wants to be buddy buddy.  No thanks.  Teach people how to treat you. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I think I am going to test the water when I see her and offer her to join me and my other friend on Saturday (we are planning to go to a pick up strawberry farm  ). If she declines and more importantly, if she seems reluctant to make plans with me in the near future, I will get the message 

 

Besides, if she's really distant can't I just say something like "I feel like I really have to insist for us to see each other, can you tell me if I am bothering you ?"  or "I feel we kind of drifted apart this year. Is it just in my head ? I just want to make sure it's not because of something I said/have done. You can be honest"

Because I am always the one offering to meet-up and I don't want her to feel pressured 
I prefer to hear the truth, even if it's hurtful 

 

Or is it too confrontational and nosy ? 

Friends shouldn't have to test each other. If I had to guess it seems like the other way around, she bothers you. You're seeing her during the week for dress shopping and then are "testing" her again to spend time within the same week on Saturday which seems very strange, OP. 

Yes, it is confrontational and if you are giving off this vibe, very worried and putting pressure on your friends to measure up to what you want, then it's not surprising if they think twice about responding to you or may not tell you much about their life. Hence, you feel a growing distance. The problem of you feeling distant keeps adding to itself. 

Do you mind me asking where all this is coming from? Are you anxious and worried about anything else? Focus on transitioning due to the move, making new friends in town and doing well with your new work opportunities. Meet new people in general and find other things to do.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, skip the heavy-handed relationship-type talk. It's awkward.

 

I won't have to anyway. I finally saw her and it was great. We talked and laughed a lot, it felt like before 🙂

She spontaneously suggested we saw each other again for a tea or whatever 

I offered her to join us and she seemed happy to, but she said she had to think about it because she's tight financially 

I don't know why I got so worked up over this ...

I checked dance parties in my city and there are a few 🙂 I will definitely give it a try this week-end or next week 

 

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Too heavy-handed. Its like asking "Why dont you like me?". Its pointless to poke for a reasons why your company is no longer prefferable. People drift away

Yeah, you're right, it's a bad idea 

9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Friends shouldn't have to test each other. If I had to guess it seems like the other way around, she bothers you. You're seeing her during the week for dress shopping and then are "testing" her again to spend time within the same week on Saturday which seems very strange, OP. 

 

I haven't thought about that, it's interesting thank you 

However, I did the dress-shopping session with my sister. And I won't not get into details but it's not something I could nor wanted to postpone, since I don't get many occasions to spend time with her (I have a complicated family situation). My friend is aware of that 

Anyway like I said, our meeting went well. She seemed very enthusiastic to see me and spontaneously suggested another meetup 

9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Do you mind me asking where all this is coming from? Are you anxious and worried about anything else? Focus on transitioning due to the move, making new friends in town and doing well with your new work opportunities. Meet new people in general and find other things to do.

I think I am making a big deal out of this since it's one of the last authentic and long-term friendship that I have. 

I cut contact with my former best friend almost 2 years ago because friendship itself became unhealthy. My therapist at the time and some of you here (I made a thread under another profile) said she was more like a frenemy. She was jealous because I entered the school and now I am working in the field that she dreamt of, whereas she sadly failed 

At the time, I was feeling guilty to end this friendship because my former friend was extremely possessive and vindictive. I knew ending this would be devastating for her and I did not want to hurt her (and frankly, I dreaded her reaction)

On the other hand, being friend with her was unbearable, I could not stand her jealousy and pettiness anymore 

Wrecked with guilt and not having the guts to tell her verbally I wanted to end our friendship, I started to let things fizzle out by their own. Gradually, I would take longer and longer to reply, stop sharing my secrets with her. Basically I just distanced myself. 

It was wrong. I handled the situation very poorly and I should have been more assertive. My therapist encouraged me to let the friendship fade, but with hindsight, I hurt my former friend even more

My behavior resulted in a long, hateful, insulting and guilt-tripping message from her which eventually ended the friendship. I am not proud of it 

Back on topic, my current friend was aware of the situation. She said that indeed, ending things abruptly with my former friend would have been very violent (really, that girl could be spiteful) 

However, she added, and that's the sentence that's haunting me, that "a friendship like ours could die naturally like this (meaning, slowly fading)" whereas with the former friend "it was more like fusional friendship, the kind that needs a little more communication" 

 

So now, every time I see my current friend taking a long time to reply to my texts or whatever, It triggers my anxiety and I am wondering if she's doing the same thing I did 😅

And then I think I deserve this because of karma 😂

 

Now, you know the whole story 

When I talked to her today, I was delighted to see that she had others friends she could confide into during my time away. She casually mentioned them and it made me happy 

I realize my anxiety was spinning out of control 😥

 

Edited by Shycarrot
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...