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Dating advice/hot mess


Shesarayofsun
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Sooo this is my first post on here, I’ve been single for 5 yrs, I’ve never dated, got married extremely young stayed married way to long. You can see I have NO idea WTH I’m doing, and obviously 🙄 I’m not doing a very good job of it, Bc it’s been nothing but rejection after rejection on and on. 
This is going to be long, but I really hope someone can give me good honest advice about it. 
Every guy I have tried to date I have met online, the most recent one I honestly still don’t know what is going on with us. 
We have been talking for about a month, been on about 6 dates, had sex once, I did meet his friends ( which he told me was a BIG deal Bc he never brings anyone around them), he has been very honest the whole time about talking to other girls, but say’s he’s not pursuing them taking them out, Bc he wants to see where things go with us. Now he does have a very demanding job, he has a 5 yr old that he has every other weekend and once a night during the week. So that doesn’t bother me at all. 
min the beginning of course everything is new and exciting, you get these, text saying hi gorgeous, or I miss talking to you, or how’s your day going. Yes I will admit I have gotten a how’s your day going text twice this week, I do try to remind myself that if he is calling you, if he is taking time out of his day then he is interested in you. 
I seen him last Sunday, he already warned me  a few weeks ago that he was going to be busy this weekend and that he would be out of town next week for work, but he would try to make time to see me. 
listen I know I can be asking for to much and I know I absolutely overthink things. He wasn’t feeling well this past week, we had a disagreement I think Wednesday night, I opened up sent him a text apologizing for my the part I had played in the situation, I never heard anything from him until that evening and he said he doesn’t remember anything Bc he took cold medicine and it must have made him drowsy. But he does remember reading my text at 4 in the morning, I’m just hurt that he couldn’t have just sent a text saying all is good no worries or something, he couldn’t have called me that morning on his way to work like he ALWAYS DOES, but literally hadn’t this WHOLE WEEK. I know he wasn’t feeling well supposedly so I’m trying to just go with it, we have maybe talked the WHOLE week an hr to 45 min total. 
I just don’t know what to do, he’s entitled to see other women absolutely, but idk is this normal behavior? Am I overthinking this? Is he playing me or tagging me along until he finds something better? 
I need to understand this whole dating process 

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6 minutes ago, Shesarayofsun said:

We have been talking for about a month, been on about 6 dates, had sex once, . he has been very honest the whole time about talking to other girls. I do try to remind myself that if he is calling you, if he is taking time out of his day then he is interested in you. 

Sorry this is happening. It's important to screen for red flags like this early on and cut out time wasters who are "too busy", still shopping around and generally show a lack of interest. 

Talking and texting is not dating. So it doesn't mean anything.

Have a system. After a few messages, set up a brief coffee meet. Determine if you want a second date. 

Have a talk about being exclusive before sex. 

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hi! 

ok. let's take a breath here. 

I have a couple of thoughts to share that might help.

- be a little nicer to yourself.  Think about what you want. Not always what the guy wants or says is how it'll go... What do you say?

-if the way you feel is bad, that enough for you to know it's bad. You don't have to tolerate things because other people would. 

-as women (girls) some of us were kind of taught to let the guy decide or if he's not being good, it's because of what we're doing.  This is BS. 

-Think about what you want, what you need in a relationship and if the guy isn't giving it to you, you leave.

-on line dating is a mess and it's like their are just too many options and everyone thinks they are going to find better with the next swipe. But that doesn't mean a guy looking for a relationship isn't out there! you have to weed thru a lot.

-Is having sex with you but dating others or being in an open relationship ok with you? 

- you don't have to put up with this.  you can flip the script on him

-people show us who they are and they know exactly what they do. It's up to you to decide if it's good enough for you. 

Edited by Lambert
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47 minutes ago, Shesarayofsun said:

I do try to remind myself that if he is calling you, if he is taking time out of his day then he is interested in you. 
 

Where did you get this from???

Truth is, if you have to look for signs he is interested, and try and talk yourself into the fact (in this case fact means hope) that he is, then he is not.  The only thing he sounds "interested" in is keeping you as a back-up plan in case he doesn't find anyone better online.

You asked if this is normal behavior, it does seem to be normal (especially for the online scene) but that doesn't make it right or acceptable.

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1 hour ago, Shesarayofsun said:

we had a disagreement I think Wednesday night, I opened up sent him a text apologizing for my the part I had played in the situation

What was this diagreement about? 

1 hour ago, Shesarayofsun said:

he couldn’t have called me that morning on his way to work like he ALWAYS DOES, but literally hadn’t this WHOLE WEEK. I know he wasn’t feeling well supposedly so I’m trying to just go with it, we have maybe talked the WHOLE week an hr to 45 min total. 

Your anxiety is leaping off the screen here, girl. No need to go into panic mode. 

It's possible he's had a change of heart. But so what if he has? Yes, it would be disappointing but you two barely know each other. It's been 6 dates and it's so important to keep perspective early on, and not get too far ahead of yourself. 

See what the next few days bring, but know that no matter what happens with him, you will fine. 

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Coming from a guy, if he is into, then he will make time to call, text, communicate with you and schedule another date.  I am sure it is the same for a woman in a relationship.  Ask yourself, if they truly cared, then they would reach out.  A relationship just from texts and calls can be difficult and you should meet up more often if the connection truly exists.

I am in a relationship and was introduced to family and friends, but it is still confusing as you never know a persons true intentions.  Good luck!

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I would pipe down and see how things go after his travels.

One thing I've found helpful is to recognize that, because I bond when I'm sexual, it's really important for me to get to know someone well enough to learn first, where I stand with him--and where I want to stand. I need to know very well whether I can trust the person with whom I'll be bonding.

In other words, I avoid sleeping first, asking questions later. Anyone who isn't up for investing that time to get to know one another screens himself out. He's just not a good match for me.

Take your time and get to KNOW your dates. State up front upon meeting that you are dating to find a good match for a long term relationship, and ask him whether he views himself as dating for the same reason.

Anything short of 'yes' to that, such as 'I don't know,' or 'I'd like to keep things casual...' means that your goals for dating are not aligned. You can tell him that you like him and can picture the two of you dating if he ever decides that he's relationship material. He can let you know, then, and if you're still available, maybe you can meet to catch up.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

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After only one month, your expectations are extremely HIGH.  Sorry, but you need to need to take a deep breath, several, and relax, you're coming in needy, and I get why you are, but it's not his fault, and you can't take it out on him.  Get a hobby, hang with friends, don't sweat over it.  Think of him as a new friend you are getting to know.  Go on dates with other dudes.  Have fun!  You're trying to jump ahead too quickly.  Just focus on having fun!

Edited by tattoobunnie
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  • 3 weeks later...

I appreciate everyone’s feedback on here, everyone was correct, I needed to breathe and get a life. That’s literally what I would have told my friend. Come to find out I was having some other mental health issues that I didn’t realize or want to admit at the time. I just posted a new topic, lol 😂 this one is fabulous, this guy cracks me up I’ve never had someone say these things to me or been in situations like these. So I’m looking forward to hearing what other’s have to say. 

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