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Boundary with Male Boss


Fluffymomo
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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Would it matter if this interaction was with a woman boss? It's unclear what his being male has to do with it if you feel overworked when out of the office.

I understood her point to be that she was reading into his awkwardness plus contact of her on February 14 for work reasons crossed a boundary that in her imagination had to do with romantic interest and she presumes since he is married he is interested in women.  Were it a female boss who was not a lesbian or bi she might have been troubled about the after hours contacts but not because of any inappropriate (here, imagined IMO) romantic interest.

 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Particularly given her rant about the feedback she got from 40 somethings on this thread -but her boss is in his 40s and married so my sense is she imagines that of course he'd be attracted to someone much younger who's also so ambitious, etc. as opposed to those 40 something married women who get mani pedis and eat truffles while lounging on the couch and need to don spanx before going to the grocery store 😉

Oh man I think that was deleted before I got to read it! Dang, I hate when I miss a good laugh 😆

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Oh man I think that was deleted before I got to read it! Dang, I hate when I miss a good laugh 😆

Oh the embellishing was mine but she vented about the 40-something women I think who were responded.  But obviously at 55 I am angelically exempted.....

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I understood her point to be that she was reading into his awkwardness plus contact of her on February 14 for work reasons crossed a boundary that in her imagination had to do with romantic interest and she presumes since he is married he is interested in women. 

Exactly this, it would have never crossed my mind, that a phone call from my boss on February 14th could mean that he has any romantic interest in me.

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On 2/26/2022 at 1:13 AM, Fluffymomo said:

and he emailed me on valentine’s night…

This would have been a good time to be out with your BF so you wouldn't have to intercept after hours work-related communication.

Be busy outside of work. Only work during work hours.

Avoid hyperbole and twisted thinking like "grooming". Therapy may help you with whatever your previous experience was with the other workplace.

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Particularly given her rant about the feedback she got from 40 somethings on this thread -but her boss is in his 40s and married so my sense is she imagines that of course he'd be attracted to someone much younger who's also so ambitious, etc. as opposed to those 40 something married women who get mani pedis and eat truffles while lounging on the couch and need to don spanx before going to the grocery store 😉 -luckily I'm 55 so not in the group she's quick to judge).   

Wow I wasn’t going to reply to this thread anymore but I kept getting notifications of you comments in my inbox. Looking back at how you twisted the facts and need to have the last say in everything whether it’s with me or with others who hold a different opinion than you, you certainly don’t have the maturity level of a 55 year old. I find it’s interesting that you constantly feel the need to mention your life in a thread that has nothing to do with you. Who’s the one that really crave validation? 
 

Let me address this one more time because  you have a habit of putting your words in my mouth. I never said my boss must be attracted to me because he’s in his 40s and I am in my 20s therefore much younger/ attractive. As a matter of fact, this quote come from your wild accusation. Just like your comments of what women in their 40s would do.. I mean those were your words, you feeling towards that group, NOT MINE.

You projected yourself so much into his wife’s shoes and made up lies of of how I am assuming I am younger therefore more attractive. All I did was pointing out the age difference there to show he’s more experienced and protentially better at manipulation. This is very subjective view from me, but it’s how I felt with my previous experience with the last executive I dealt with. He took advantage of my parent’s passing and took advantage of me at a vulnerable moment.

I remember you were one of them telling me how I “ overthink” that man’s intention in my post few months ago. Guess what, he has reached out to me after my resignation and wanted to have a secret relationship. And  I am NOT completely healed from that experience. It’s something that still impact me everyday so I am more cautious in terms of relationship with male colleagues at work, especially when there’s power dynamic involved.
 

It’s very disrespectful that you are throwing my boss’s wife into this when I didn’t mention her once in my original post nor did I compare myself with her. To me, it’s about establishing a healthy professional boundaries. It’s not a competition with my boss’s wife. The 2/14 event was concerning because he reached out to me at 9pm at night for stuff that’s borderline work related and can totally wait till the next day. Again, I didn’t say for sure it means he has a romantic interest in me, but couple with other incidents and his mismatch behavior, it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Especially we recently have the talk of promotion, I don’t want things getting into my way or others seeing this as an opportunity of exploitation. Would I have the same concern if the same behaviors come from a female boss? Absolutely.

Last, I don’t know what makes you think I get would be flattered if my boss’s romantically interested in me. TBH, I will be horrified. I have worked hard everyday to achieve the goals on my plan and the last thing I would want was to have the efforts I made all went into nothing and potentially risky of my job security. Again, I was asking advice of keeping a healthy boundary with the boss. You twisted my words and turned it into something that’s completely the opposite.

I think a lot of comments you made show your insecurity towards your current life status. I would sincerely suggest you to get get off the forum and get some professional help. The deepest of a woman’s insecurities often come from the men who have hurt them.

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I understood her point to be that she was reading into his awkwardness plus contact of her on February 14 for work reasons crossed a boundary that in her imagination had to do with romantic interest and she presumes since he is married he is interested in women.  Were it a female boss who was not a lesbian or bi she might have been troubled about the after hours contacts but not because of any inappropriate (here, imagined IMO) romantic interest.

 

Reaching out to me at 9pm for stuff that’s borderline work related that can wait till next day? Yeah would be an issue if this was the behavior coming from a female boss 

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3 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

I am NOT completely healed from that experience. It’s something that still impact me everyday

 

3 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

The deepest of a woman’s insecurities often come from the men who have hurt them.

These two statements indicate you feel traumatized and hurt by the interactions with your previous boss.  Are you receiving any professional help to assist you in recovering from this trauma?

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This would have been a good time to be out with your BF so you wouldn't have to intercept after hours work-related communication.

Be busy outside of work. Only work during work hours.

Avoid hyperbole and twisted thinking like "grooming". Therapy may help you with whatever your previous experience was with the other workplace.

Lol aren’t you one of the folks that told me how I overthink the executive’s intention  in my post few months ago? In the end, he reached out and wanted a secret relationship… 

And why do you assume I am not busy outside work? This is one post I made after how many months while y’all literally spend everyday on the forum lol. 

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

These two statements indicate you feel traumatized and hurt by the interactions with your previous boss.  Are you receiving any professional help to assist you in recovering from this trauma?

I am. And I don’t have problem admitting it.  At the same time, I finds it’s very shady how Batya33 twisted the facts especially when she was following my previous threads/post. She turned a post soliciting advices to be all about her own insecurity in this stage of her life. What a shame.

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3 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

I am. And I don’t have problem admitting it.  At the same time, I finds it’s very shady how Batya33 twisted the facts especially when she was following my previous threads/post. She turned a post soliciting advices to be all about her own insecurity in this stage of her life. What a shame.

I'm not Batya, so I'm not sure why you brought her up in your response to my post.

Why should you have a "problem admitting" you are getting professional help?  If you broke your leg or got food poisoning would you be ashamed to see a doctor?  It's the same thing.

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not Batya, so I'm not sure why you brought her up in your response to my post.

Why should you have a "problem admitting" you are getting professional help?  If you broke your leg or got food poisoning would you be ashamed to see a doctor?  It's the same thing.

Because that quote that you included in your previous comment was my response towards Batya. You seem to think it’s only me impacted by the traumatic experience but I am just pointing out who else could use some professional help. And judging by the way Batya need to have last say in every disagreement, she probably would have a hard time admitting she needed help where I don’t have this problem 

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23 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

Reaching out to me at 9pm for stuff that’s borderline work related that can wait till next day? Yeah would be an issue if this was the behavior coming from a female boss 

Yes for sure depending on what is typical in your specific work environment.  In mine it would not be. But it would be more of an issue, if that makes sense, than my former work environments. 

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Just now, Batya33 said:

Yes for sure depending on what is typical in your specific work environment.  In mine it would not be. But it would be more of an issue, if that makes sense, than my former work environments. 

So why do you automatically assume your specific work environment applies to my situation?

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1 minute ago, Fluffymomo said:

You seem to think it’s only me impacted by the traumatic experience

Again, not sure how you came up with this assumption.  Where did I say "only you" are impacted by traumatic experiences?  Many people are.

You do come across as angry and defensive.  You also insult people who try to help you.  I get it, you don't like the help you are receiving, but there's no need to make snide comments about 40 year olds and their "lame" husbands.

I do think there is nothing inappropriate about your boss contacting you outside of work hours other than he's imposing on your personal time.  My guess is he does this with other employees, not just you.  And I don't think the fact that he seems "shy" indicates romantic or sexual interest in you.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Again, not sure how you came up with this assumption.  Where did I say "only you" are impacted by traumatic experiences?  Many people are.

You do come across as angry and defensive.  You also insult people who try to help you.  I get it, you don't like the help you are receiving, but there's no need to make snide comments about 40 year olds and their "lame" husbands.

I do think there is nothing inappropriate about your boss contacting you outside of work hours other than he's imposing on your personal time.  My guess is he does this with other employees, not just you.  And I don't think the fact that he seems "shy" indicates romantic or sexual interest in you.

I said “ it seems..” I didn’t say for sure 100%.
 

By help you mean making wild accusations that strongly triggered by personal insecurity and bias? LOL

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4 minutes ago, Fluffymomo said:

So why do you automatically assume your specific work environment applies to my situation?

I am not going to speak for Batya, but a few posts back, YOU assumed that I am married and have children. Well, I am neither married nor have any children. So it seems that sometimes people have their assumptions.

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Call out"? But you're a timid little Lolita at work pretending every older man is after your precious little pants? Get real.

Wow resort to personal attack because you have nothing to say it back? Lol no I think you are the timid Lolita who hide behind a screen and can’t hold a normal debate.

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I remember your other thread. I honestly think your boss has more to worry about with you than you do with him. I get the sense you are always looking for the unethical shortcuts to advance your career and get what you want. You were ok with an inappropriate relationship as long as it benefited you with special favours and leverage at work. It was only when he took that away that you suddenly had a problem with it. 

You bring your character with you. And just even little things, like stating you can't be bothered to read forum rules and post under your one username, and even when asked, you don't, that gives the impression to me of someone who is operating with a big ol sense of entitlement. Again, just thinking normal rules don't apply to you. 

So if you truly want to establish healthy boundaries at work, you gotta look at that in yourself and your contribution to always seeming to fall into these situations (you don't fall in them, but you tell the story that way). 

 

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Those of you that have been here awhile, cmon, shut this drama down. We aren’t here for this. 
 

OP, good luck to you. I think if you try to work on being a little more open and less defensive, you’ll find this is a very wise, helpful group here. We aren’t going to tell you what you want to hear, but I guarantee you will always get some responses you need to hear. 

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