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girlfriends nudes on chats with other dudes


tomlee2912
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so me and my gf have been dating a month and it’s going great but she still talks to people on snap that she used to talk to and that still have her nudes saved in the chats. i feel like i’m being controlling if i were to tell her i have a problem with this.

is this a problem or is it just me being paranoid? i’ve had past experience being abused in a relationship so i’m still confused on what’s normal and what isn’t cause i was made to feel even saying hi to a female was cheating, any help pls?

-scared bf

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How do you know about her history with these individuals? Did you ask her or look through the chat history? 

Or course it’s inappropriate but the biggest mistake people often do is focus on the issue instead of looking at the overall person. You’ve only been dating a month and you can’t be sure about her trustworthiness or character, whether she’s a loyal person or engages in inappropriate behaviour or flirts with others. Everyone’s preferences are a little different also. What one may find wildly atrocious, someone else may think is innocuous. The problem is you barely know one another. 

Date her for a few more weeks and if you distrust her this much from the get-go the problem is either you not having recovered trust for people in general or her inappropriate behaviour while in a relationship. Figure out which one it is and go from there. It may be a mix of both. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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1 hour ago, tomlee2912 said:

so me and my gf have been dating a month and it’s going great but she still talks to people on snap that she used to talk to and that still have her nudes saved in the chats.

30 days dating? Cut your losses. Is she a sex worker?

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I’m also confused as to how you know what they have saved…regardless, yes, I think one month is too soon to make an issue of this. But even at 6 months, or a year, what would you want her to do? Contact them and ask them to delete the photos? If you just want her to cut contact with them, then just give it time. As your relationship grows and you guys become closer, these other friendships often tend to just fade away. You don’t have to say or do anything, just trust that it will happen naturally in time if you guys both want the relationship.

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On 2/25/2022 at 7:37 AM, tomlee2912 said:

so me and my gf have been dating a month and it’s going great but she still talks to people on snap that she used to talk to and that still have her nudes saved in the chats. i feel like i’m being controlling if i were to tell her i have a problem with this.

is this a problem or is it just me being paranoid? i’ve had past experience being abused in a relationship so i’m still confused on what’s normal and what isn’t cause i was made to feel even saying hi to a female was cheating, any help pls?

-scared bf

How in the heck would you know if they still have nudes she sent them?

You're dating a girl who sends nudes to various men, and continues to talk to them, despite dating you....why on earth would you want someone like that?

You can't change her if that's how she behaves, but I do question why you'd stay with a girl like that.

She obviously has little to no respect for you.

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I guess I'm way out of the loop as I've never heard of sending nudes in a chat group, or whatever you care to label it.  What is the reason for this, other than having the pics land in who knows where?

Have you met in person?   Either way, I'd walk away before she brings you down to her level.

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On 2/25/2022 at 8:37 AM, tomlee2912 said:

so me and my gf have been dating a month and it’s going great but she still talks to people on snap that she used to talk to and that still have her nudes saved in the chats. i feel like i’m being controlling if i were to tell her i have a problem with this.

is this a problem or is it just me being paranoid? i’ve had past experience being abused in a relationship so i’m still confused on what’s normal and what isn’t cause i was made to feel even saying hi to a female was cheating, any help pls?

-scared bf

If you want to be in a relationship you have to be in a place where you rarely if ever will say "made to feel" - because you are in control of your own values and standards and boundaries.  Some people do think it's cheating to say hi to a female - it's bizarre to me but if a couple decides together they won't say hi to someone of the opposite gender that's their business.  No one is "made to feel" in an adult relationship -you decide if you have compatible values and standards.

Personally I would not date anyone who sent a nude photo to anyone unless it was for a legitimate art class or somehow part of a doctor-patient situation where the doctor needed a photo of a body part of concern.  I would question that person's values, discretion, sense of personal privacy and boundaries.  

I am fine with platonic friendships whatever the gender of the person as long as that person is supportive of my relationship and my partner has the opportunity to meet that person -and as long as it is platonic.  I would never give up a close platonic friendship for a romantic partner unless that person treated my partner disrespectfully or didn't support my relationship.  

It's not whether you are paranoid or not.  Some men would be turned on by the nude photos given to other men.  So what? You're not.  You don't like it.  From a practical level since she's ok with these men having nude photos of her she's highly unlikely to change or ask them to remove the photos or see anything wrong with continuing to send nude photos.  It sounds like you two are incompatible.

I am sorry you were abused in the past.

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