breakup LDR, be a bestfriends, but keep NC ? desparate.

[gelfling]

This forum kept me together since I found it two weeks ago. I would love to hear other pepole's opinion.

 

Sorry It's going to be along post.

 

It's been three weeks since my ex called me in to tell "not coming back to Tokyo, stay near family, seeking a job in London. And wish to see other relashionships" . She was crying so much, saysing 'might making a biggest mistake of my life !' but she doesn't want me.

 

She was back in London to prepar coming back to Tokyo to teach english after one year of working holiday in Japan. She had an intensive course of TEFL as she always wanted to teach English. And left end of January with a little suitcase. We kept intouch, we both missed attention so much. her return was supposed be in may but it has been 4 months already. I had some thoughts in mind, mentioned her once a month ago if she wants to stay in UK and she cryed so much, she is ready to come.

 

We have met 3years ago in London, she was 24, i was 35 back then. We had couple of separation for 3 to 5 moths for our visa. but kept in close contact . Despite my love to UK, I have to give up my visa and come back to Japan after 9 years, that was the reason for her to folllow me.

 

After two days from her call, i was standng in the Heathrow airport, 5days 4nights stayed in friends, breathing my favorite city, catching up with old friends I found true self again away from co-oporate dedication life in Tokyo nearly two years.

 

She agreed to meet me on last two days for a bitter sweet date, teary. We talked and hold hands, each other tightly, but she id determined her desition. She feels she is imature for a longterm relationship, couple of broken heart will remind her how deep my love was, also appreciating all my support, but didn't give her much motivation. She wants to keep in touch, be a best friend to tell me everything about her and understand. Yes, I agreed to become the person who understand her best.

 

She cryed out for a good by, I toled her "if you ever change your mind" and she said "may be one day".

 

I would do anything for her to make her happy.

 

Up until March, we were discussing to move back to some part in Europe together, start a little business after her year teaching in Tokyo. She is a half finish and offering me to get a partnership, also britain has partnership rights.

Now it's too late.

 

Now I have a friend who wish to employ me in London to get a work permit.

 

I kept NC since my return to Tokyo. 12 days now. Since back in our flat haunted by memory.

She doesn't send me any email anymore.

 

We have no mutual friends that I could ask how she is now. And first time, boths of our parents happily acknoledged us. Am not sure this NC is doing good for us or not.

 

Painful and affecting my health, am on the sedative to cope with commuting and work.

 

Should I keep NC until her to get intouch with me again or, be nice to understand her and give her support ? letting her know am doing well and moved on ? Is there any chance for her to reconcilliate our relationship ?

[Wimpy]

I think I understood the majority of your post.

 

I broke up with my ex 2 months ago. We had been seeing one another for 2 years whilst he was in the UK studying. He returned home to his country and we agreed that I would come and visit him in April and we would discuss our future then. He knew that I was happy to move with him anywhere.

 

Anyway 10 days before I was due to visit him and having purchased a ticket he e-mailed me and broke up with me. He did still want me to visit as his "friend" so long as I knew that there would be nothing more than friendship now. I never made the trip and apart from sending him an e-mail 2 weeks later telling him how badly he hurt me I initiated NC immediately.

 

You need to understand that for your ex she has returned to her life in the UK and she is not surrounded by anything that will remind her of you. This is the case for my ex. He has returned home to his family and friends and it is ME who is surrounded by constant memories of what we had together. It is far easier for him to move on with his life when he hasn't anything to make him think of the times we had together.

 

I hate to sound harsh but I think the same will be true for your ex. She will find it far easier to move on now she is back here amongst friends and family.

 

My advice would be to try and do what I have done and move on. Realise that there is no chance of things changing and that you simply cannot sit around waiting to see if she changes her mind. You need to continue NC - it helps YOUR recovery.

 

I really do know how you feel but the reality is that it's time for you to move on and meet someone prepared to give you what you want/need/deserve.

[gelfling]

Thank you for your post wimpy.

I wondere how painful it was for you to give up flying to London to see him. Distance and time are so cruel. Did he ever got in touch with you at all ?

 

And you addressed my fear - she is moving on so faster in the place without my plesense.

 

We did have about solid 12 months together in London though, there must be a few things would remind her of me. Almost two years ago.

 

My head is fully understanding I should let her go and myself to move on also, but my hart is wanting her to think about me and remember our beautiful time whenever she is stuck in the everyday life or broken heart with someone and think of what she lost. Some posts in this forum says NC gives them space to think.

 

Today, we are having a lots of rain. On the way back home , I saw her walking up towards me again and disappeared.

[hurtAgain]

Hi there...

I agree with wimpy (sp?). Keep your NC...it will get better.

It does show that you loved her a lot ( I wish there were more guys like you out there), but you can't force the other person to change her mind. It's just a fact of life.

 

Besides, I'm going through the same thing now, the only difference is that was his decision to break up...and go figure, we work together. it has been 3 weeks, and it's hard like hell. But, think about it...when you talk to the other person and you find that he/she has not changed her mind, all feelings come back and you get hurt all over again.

Because we are co-workers, my ex wants to still stay friends. And this is the guy who cheated without shame, and I still loved him.

But, everytime I talk to him, what do you think I hear? "yah, I went out, I met so and so, we had a good time...and I think I'm over you". Period.

Then, I go back in my office, and cry and wonder why did I ever talk to him about his weekend. So, back to square one.

 

So, my personal advice is to remind yourself that someone else is waiting for you, but you can't meet her until you are over your ex. And no NC is the best way to go. Yes, you want to hear her voice....but don't forget, this is the voice that already hurt you. You got once shot at life...and that's it. Make something good out of it.

 

Remind yourself that you are not alone. Play the hand that was delt.

When someone tells you "we'll see what happens in the future"...that's false hope, and us, the ones who were at the giving end of the relationship cling to that. ANd for what? I'm sure she's a wonderfull person, but don' t let her take control over YOUR life. Think how you'll move on, not when she'll be back. The sooner you start, the easier will be in the future.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but YOU R NOT ALONE RIGHT NOW. I'm going through the same thing.

 

Take care and keep us posted.

[gelfling]

hurtAgain

 

Appreciate your sweet posting. It is amazing to know there is someone hurting at same time in the otherside of the world. Even this moment people are hurting with many reason.

 

Think back, we did never cheat or argue at all.

But you are right, my loved one shot me suddenly.

 

Got keep this in mind, try moving on somehow.

[Wimpy]

Thank you for your post wimpy.

I wondere how painful it was for you to give up flying to London to see him. Distance and time are so cruel. Did he ever got in touch with you at all ?

 

Actually I'm in the UK - he's in South America and it was VERY hurtful giving up flying to see him but I knew it was what I HAD to do. He no longer deserved my friendship and no I've never heard from him again.

 

I had been counting down the days until I saw him again and to have that taken away from me was VERY hard to handle.

 

However NC is now what I must do to heal.

[gelfling]

few hours at a time, one day at a time.

our emotion is going spiral and hopefuly settle one day.

 

bad day at work. am doing fashion PR and nasty stylist shout at me for silliest thing, but i have to keep apologise and be nice to everybody. feeling weak.

 

where is my strength ? I used to be fine to deal with these things.

 

Wimpy, he will call you if he deserves and cares about you.