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Last night my husband had a boys night and got absolutely trashed. While intoxicated, he started texting his old high school ex girlfriend that cheated on him many years ago. I found out about it and I’m definitely hurt and confused. I don’t think angrily texting an ex counts as cheating but it still doesn’t feel right. He’s been really cold, upset, and hungover today and I’m honestly struggling to see how to work through it.

His buddy (the designated driver) crashed at our house last night too. He could tell I was upset and we sat outside on our balcony and talked for a few hours. A little bit about the current situation and both of our relationships, but most of it I think he was just trying to cheer me up so he we talked about my field of study, really abstract concepts, politics, news, future plans, social issues and just about anything you can think of. The conversation actually really helped me get a new perspective and I was feeling a lot better. I was pretty hopeful that my husband and I could work things out smoothly in the morning.  My husband woke up and saw us talking and got really mad. He said I was as bad as his cheating ex and people break up for disrespect like I had just committed. (It feels important to note that his buddy is in a very stable long term relationship with a woman that I absolutely adore. Neither of us would ever consider having a conversation anything other than platonic.) He rolled over & went to sleep on that note.

 

fast forward to this morning, (the cold and hungover part I mentioned) and he says he screwed up (which doesn’t really make me feel a whole lot better). And all I desperately want to do is to talk this through together, but he insists that he can’t/won’t talk about it with me and he can only talk to his best guy friend, because that’s the only person that can understand him.

I feel hurt, confused, and a little desperate. He doesn’t want to try therapy. I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I haven’t eaten in probably 24-48hrs because I just feel sick to my stomach all the time. I mean we’re typically a pretty happy and healthy relationship, but I’m really losing any hope that we’re going to work through it this time if he won’t let me in. (I say “this time” because he also texted her once while drugged up after some pretty serious medical injuries.) Am I being an oblivious idiot or overreacting? Either way I have no idea where to go from here.

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13 minutes ago, Confused and Sad said:

got absolutely trashed.  he started texting his old high school ex girlfriend. crashed at our house last night too.

He doesn’t want to try therapy.I just feel sick to my stomach all the time. I say “this time” because he also texted her once while drugged up after some pretty serious medical injuries.

Do not attempt marriage therapy.

 See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health, ask for a referral to a qualified therapist .Go to therapy for yourself.

You're running a flop house for drunks including your husband. Just stop. Never try to reason with an alcohol soaked brain.

See if this helps you and you can get some support: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

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Slow down and don't struggle to communicate with someone who has shut you out. Pause for a second and think. Continuing the same thing needing or requesting that he talk things out with you will produce the same results if you keep doing things over and over or repeating yourself after someone has already responded with an answer. He told you he needs to speak with his friend so give him that room. 

Your marriage doesn't sound happy and maybe it's also a good opportunity to ask yourself if you both jumped into this too quickly. What he did was wrong contacting an ex while married to you. You already know that. You need to figure out what you can and can't put up with and have some internal dialogue with yourself about where you see yourself in this marriage. Your spouse isn't going to make things better by telling you he's sorry. Sorry will not erase the fact that he did contact her or that he accuses you of cheating or being inappropriate.

Sorry will not eliminate his insecurities which seem very deep-rooted. 

So take a deep breath and start thinking. 

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Yeah, never deal with a drunk. They're not themselves at that point.

I don't know his age, but do you think he could possibly be dealing with a 'mid life crisis'?  Sounds like he's hit a downer with his 'moods' and is acting out in a bad way 😕 .

I also question depression.. like WHY is he doing these things?  Does he drink a lot/often? Then he's an alcy - they're very challenging!

And then to msg an ex ( so sounds like he's still got some 'deep rooted anger' over that? 
But, to go at YOU over chatting with his 'buddy'? Is ridiculous, this show's he's also 'venting' at you.  Really no reason for it, but he did.. again, for reasons.

I would wait until he's in a better head space then have a decent conversation with him.. like what exactly is going on nowadays?  IF he's so lost in himself and will not consider getting some prof help for his behaviour and drinking- and consider this, or else.... as you can't tolerate this continuing.

 

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You have two threads on the same subject and just prepare to have one removed.

His lashing out at you for innocently chatting with his friend is a form of projection.  Accusing you of the very thing he's guilty of.  It's a manipulative move to lessen the responsibility of his own indiscretion.   

As if   'See. . .you do it too"  That's just bs.  Don't buy into it.

I don't know what to say.  If he isn't willing to take ownership of this or go to therapy with you then there isn't even a chance to resolve it.  

This is the second time he's reached out to his ex.  You haven't shared your history or how long you two have been together.  If this isn't an absolute deal breaker for you to leave and you feel stuck, I'd get myself into personally therapy.   He may follow at some point and that's only if he feels that is worth fighting for.  If he doesn't and he shows no desire to work on this with you, you will know what to do. Marriages are only saved by two fully committed people.  One person can't do it themselves.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

Edited by reinventmyself
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21 hours ago, Confused and Sad said:

 While intoxicated, he started texting his old high school ex girlfriend that cheated on him many years ago. I found out about it and I’m definitely hurt and confused. I don’t think angrily texting an ex counts as cheating but it still doesn’t feel right. 

Are you certain it's not cheating?   

Highly charged emotional exchanges about unresolved romantic feelings with another woman is considered a form of emotional cheating. . for some.   Doing it once may be a mistake.  Twice is a pattern.  

It would be a form of cheating for me. 

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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