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Am I overly jealous or is my bf overstepping boundaries?


Lau46
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8 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

Well...yes you are right. Never thought about it this way. His friends planned it and he only told me about it after they booked the flights. So it was pretty clear that..well I wasn't really invited. So I didn't ask.

So he told you about this big vacation after it was all booked -so no option for you to express interest in going to an event his friends were going to with their partners.  What explanation did he give to his friends as to why his partner wasn't there?

Do you see marriage as too much paperwork? Do you want him to want to marry you? If you moved in with him and spent as much time with him as possible would you expect he would change his mind about wanting to marry you?

His joke is partly a joke and partly telling you he does not want to marry you.  

Edited by Batya33
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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So he told you about this big vacation after it was all booked -so no option for you to express interest in going to an event his friends were going to with their partners.  What explanation did he give to his friends as to why his partner wasn't there?

Do you see marriage as too much paperwork? Do you want him to want to marry you? If you moved in with him and spent as much time with him as possible would you expect he would change his mind about wanting to marry you?

His joke is partly a joke and partly telling you he does not want to marry you.  

I don't know what or even if his friends asked or what he answered. We don't really do much with his friends or my friends for the matter. So as I said I wasn't to bothered by not being invited, just by what followed.

 

I don't want to marry him anytime soon but after I am done with my studies then I would want to yes. And yes I would expect him to change his mind sometime in the future.

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28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes that is strange. He should be delighted to have you mix it up with all his people. Combine that with his immature/obnoxious comments about women and yes, do not move in, but reflect on how much worse it will get. Reflect if this trip/photo thing is not more of a symptom of bigger problems than an issue in  itself. 

I guess I will have to think about all of that, as painful as it is. Thank you. Honestly!

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20 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

And yes I would expect him to change his mind sometime in the future.

What leads you to believe he will change his mind? Has he said he wants to marry you someday? Or are you "hoping"?

If you two live together, won't he have to admit to his friends that you two are together? Will he leave you at home alone while he goes off on vacation with his friends and single women?

And finally, you're obviously anxious, nervous and fearful of "losing" him. Do you think love relationships are supposed to function from a place of fear?

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13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What leads you to believe he will change his mind? Has he said he wants to marry you someday? Or are you "hoping"?

If you two live together, won't he have to admit to his friends that you two are together? Will he leave you at home alone while he goes off on vacation with his friends and single women?

And finally, you're obviously anxious, nervous and fearful of "losing" him. Do you think love relationships are supposed to function from a place of fear?

He once, and I mean 1 single time, mentioned that someday he wants to marry me but than resorted right back to his usual jokes. I guess it is me hoping more than knowing.

You captured me very well sadly 😅 I am all of these things. And no I guess relationships shouldn't be built on fear...

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11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think he purposely left you out of this trip because he knew this girl would be there and wanted alone time with her, OP. 

It’s doesn’t smell right. I’m sorry.

Uff...it sucks to hear that but I guess that's something I have to consider.

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2 hours ago, Lau46 said:

I don't want to marry him anytime soon but after I am done with my studies then I would want to yes. And yes I would expect him to change his mind sometime in the future.

Why would you think someone who would dismiss marriage as too much paperwork would change his mind? He wants to share living space with you to get to spend more time with you but he doesn't want to commit to you in marriage even though he knows you want marriage eventually. 

I caution you against moving in with him if he has not "changed his mind" and is excited to have getting married part of your future together even if not till you finish your studies.

Of course people who want to marry their partner joke about marriage but it's where there's already an understanding that the couple wants to marry.  He "jokes" in response to you bringing up marriage all the time -why are you bringing it up so much if you want to wait such a long time?  Maybe because you're hoping he'll "change his mind?"

I'll put it this way- most people who consider marriage don't "change their mind" - they make up their mind -meaning - they see potential for marriage but it might be too soon -too early in dating, other bucket list stuff.  Then as time goes on they go from seeing potential to confirming "yes, I want to marry this person" -there's been no change but an evolution, a progression. 

I remember my friend dating his future wife and he had a few tests to make sure she was the one.  Like, dating for a full year, taking her on a vacation and just making sure they had fun, enjoyed each other, meeting the parents, the friends, etc -not like real "tests" but just things he wanted to do and see.

After a year of dating (um she would have said yes much earlier!) he proposed. In fact he met me for dinner and he had the ring -she hadn't seen it yet -he took it out to show me in the box and the other diners thought he was getting ready to propose to me LOL. 

I mean sure I found his approach kind of rigid -these "steps/tests" but he didn't go from not knowing about marriage to changing his mind -there was no aha moment about that.  There was an aha moment once they'd dated a full year and they'd had certain experiences together.  Married 20 years now.  They met through a dating site.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Lau46 said:

He once, and I mean 1 single time, mentioned that someday he wants to marry me but than resorted right back to his usual jokes. I guess it is me hoping more than knowing.

You captured me very well sadly 😅 I am all of these things. And no I guess relationships shouldn't be built on fear...

How on earth did marriage come up? It seems quite soon. He didn't even invite you out to hang out with his friends and Ms Touchy here.

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17 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

How on earth did marriage come up? It seems quite soon. He didn't even invite you out to hang out with his friends and Ms Touchy here.

Fair enough.

p.s. "Ms Touchy" I like that lol

 

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1 hour ago, Lau46 said:

Uff...it sucks to hear that but I guess that's something I have to consider.

I think you do, yes. 

There is a reason he waited until after everything was booked to let you know he was going on holiday. That wasn't an oversight on his part. He knew how it would look with all the other girlfriends invited....but not you. 

What a slap in the face. I would be hurt and insulted, personally. He doesn't want you there.

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Yeah, I suggest you do NOT rush into anything with this guy.  Some things do sound odd.

He's hardly brought you around his friends.

He's posted something with some girl, who you know nothing about and 'seems a little close'? Yet, he's never been that close to you.

He books a holiday away & says nothing to you about this.. and you've been involved now over a year.

He just doesn't seem to show 'true interest' or respect IMO. You are his partner.  He should be communicating with you better than this and NOT feel hesitant at all in 'showing' his admiration towards you.

Unless or until you do feel all okay with him.  Don't bother joking about marriage and/or moving in together. As mentioned, your intuition.

Give this another few months.. See IF he's coming around more re: his friends & you. etc.

 

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4 hours ago, Lau46 said:

Noo we met almost 1,5 years ago. The trip was planned last month. We usually spend weekends together so he knew that I didn't have anything planned an could have easily joined them. 

 

I dunno, maybe because me and  my friends even invite short term girlfriends on trip like that(unless they have anything else planned) let alone long term ones. But, to me, him not even inviting you speaks volumes what he really thinks of entire relationship.

Edited by Kwothe28
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