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Am I overly jealous or is my bf overstepping boundaries?


Lau46
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So to explain a bit: my partner of 1 year has recently gone on a trip with his friend group. All of his guy friends invited their gf. He didn't ask me. At first I wasn't too bothered because they all have been friends for a long time and I have only really met them once or twice. 

So I really thought it wasn't a big deal. However during the trip he stopped texting me as much. Then on their last day he posted a picture with a girl I don't know. They are really close in the picture. He has his arms around her and she is kind of pressed to his side. The thing that bothers me is, that he barely ever post anything. So why post that? Another thing: whenever we take photos together he doesn't really touch me. We stand together awkwardly. I pointed that out to him in the past. In general as soon as other people are around he stops touching me (holding my hand, hugging me) because he says it's "inappropriate". 

I have been feeling super shifty and self conscious but I haven't brought it up because I am afraid to sound like an idiot. At the end of the day it's just a picture.

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6 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

All of his guy friends invited their gf. He didn't ask me.I have only really met them once or twice. 

How well do you know his friends? How often do you two do things together? How is the relationship overall? 

It's inappropriate but its unclear if there was something going on. It's also unclear why you simply can't ask who all the people in the pic are.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How well do you know his friends? How often do you two do things together? How is the relationship overall? 

It's inappropriate but its unclear if there was something going on. It's also unclear why you simply can't ask who all the people in the pic are.

I have met his friend group once. So I would say I don't know them at all. The girl in the picture I have never seen or heard of. 

Our relationship overall is pretty good. We barely ever argue but we both struggle with communicating our emotions. I love him a lot and ultimately trust him but this incident makes me super insecure.

I guess I should ask him but I am afraid but I really want the opinion of an outsider because I have no clue if I am overreacting. 

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His behaviour seems inappropriate to me if he hasn't invited you and has his arm around another woman you don't even know after one year of dating. Combined with his lack of PDA with you and that he's called PDA "inappropriate", you both may be incompatible. 

I wouldn't jump the gun and accuse him of anything. I also wouldn't be focusing on the other woman. If he doesn't share your love of affection and public displays of affection or seems cold and unapproachable or too overly worried about what others think, this man would be in my rearview mirror yesterday.

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why are you afraid to ask him?

Does he get angry if you ask him questions about your relationship or why he seems to want to keep you a secret?

Do his friends know you two are supposed to be in a relationship?

No he has never gotten angry with me. It's just that in the past when I have mentioned situations that I felt uncomfortable with he just simply disagreed and I felt like a fool afterwards. I am at a point were I start to doubt my own intuitions or feelings 

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does she know you are his partner? Is he keeping you a secret?

I don't actually know that. His other friends know about me. I just don't know if this particular girl from the photo does.

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4 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

No he has never gotten angry with me. It's just that in the past when I have mentioned situations that I felt uncomfortable with he just simply disagreed and I felt like a fool afterwards. I am at a point were I start to doubt my own intuitions or feelings 

Listen to your intuition and focus on him or what you both share(or don't share). The issue isn't the woman or who she is. It's this person you are dating. Try to figure out whether your choices and lifestyles align.

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3 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

I don't actually know that. His other friends know about me. I just don't know if this particular girl from the photo does.

That's an issue because he didn't invite you to a holiday other SOs were invited to.  So to me, if he wasn't going to include you I would think he'd want to make it very clear before posting a couple type photo that she knows all about you and they're platonic friends from way back.  

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I dunno, to me its suspicious that he didnt invite you. Was the trip planned before he met you? Did you have previous obligations? Because you usually invite your SO of a year to the stuff like that. 

Except if he is a big doushe, he would probably hide an affair, not flaunt it over social media. So I wouldnt worry that much about that. But still think that it speaks volumes in terms of how he views you that he didnt invite you to come along.

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14 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

I have mentioned situations that I felt uncomfortable with he just simply disagreed

Don't couch it with "feel uncomfortable with".  State what you mean directly. As far as this photo, you asked and he stated it's someone from his hometown. 

What exactly is bothering you most? That he doesn't post photos of you? That he is not affectionate in public? That you are not part of his group?

There is something behind your concerns that you need to reflect on before you can address anything. A vague 'uncomfortable with " is very easy to dismiss.

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12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, to me its suspicious that he didnt invite you. Was the trip planned before he met you? Did you have previous obligations? Because you usually invite your SO of a year to the stuff like that. 

Except if he is a big doushe, he would probably hide an affair, not flaunt it over social media. So I wouldnt worry that much about that. But still think that it speaks volumes in terms of how he views you that he didnt invite you to come along.

 

Noo we met almost 1,5 years ago. The trip was planned last month. We usually spend weekends together so he knew that I didn't have anything planned an could have easily joined them. 

 

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't couch it with "feel uncomfortable with".  State what you mean directly. As far as this photo, you asked and he stated it's someone from his hometown. 

What exactly is bothering you most? That he doesn't post photos of you? That he is not affectionate in public? That you are not part of his group?

There is something behind your concerns that you need to reflect on before you can address anything. A vague 'uncomfortable with " is very easy to dismiss.

 

Haha you are right. I think I am bothered by feeling like he hides me. I don't have very high self esteem. In the beginning of our relationship he would make comment about how other women were super beautiful, special, etc. I voiced that I don't like it when he comments on other women's bodys in front of me.  Since then I have always felt "lesser than..". I know that that is an issue I have to deal with by myself. 

 

I guess the picture just gave me the feeling that this girl is pretty enough for all of his facebook and insta followers to see.  

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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How long have you been exclusive? What are your plans for the long term -do you have any?

We have been exclusive for a year and 3 months. We have talked about moving in together

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3 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

 

Noo we met almost 1,5 years ago. The trip was planned last month. We usually spend weekends together so he knew that I didn't have anything planned an could have easily joined them. 

 

After all this time together why were you waiting for an invitation? Why did he need to ask you? Isn't the assumption that other than maybe guys nights out partners are included? My husband had a business lunch a few months ago - but it was also partly personal -maybe a colleague was leaving or it was to meet a new colleague. Typically partners are not invited and we decided he wouldn't ask as actually I didn't really have time to go and was concerned about covid risks.  When he got there he was asked where I was lol.  Honestly that's how it should be.  It should be understood you are a couple, you're invited together everywhere except the girl night out thing or a business function with no guests.

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2 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

 

Haha you are right. I think I am bothered by feeling like he hides me. I don't have very high self esteem. In the beginning of our relationship he would make comment about how other women were super beautiful, special, etc. I voiced that I don't like it when he comments on other women's bodys in front of me.  Since then I have always felt "lesser than..". I know that that is an issue I have to deal with by myself. 

 

I guess the picture just gave me the feeling that this girls is pretty enough for all of his facebook and insta followers to see.  

I don't think it has to do with her looks.  Seems to me he did not want you there because he knew she was coming and wanted to see if he could start something with her.

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1 minute ago, Lau46 said:

We have been exclusive for a year and 3 months. We have talked about moving in together

What does moving in together mean to him? To you? Is it because it's more convenient to share physical space or because you both see it as showing you're even more serious? Do either of you want to marry? If so what conversations have happened about getting married or engaged with a wedding date? What is the talk - specifics or just casual talk?

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

After all this time together why were you waiting for an invitation? Why did he need to ask you? Isn't the assumption that other than maybe guys nights out partners are included? My husband had a business lunch a few months ago - but it was also partly personal -maybe a colleague was leaving or it was to meet a new colleague. Typically partners are not invited and we decided he wouldn't ask as actually I didn't really have time to go and was concerned about covid risks.  When he got there he was asked where I was lol.  Honestly that's how it should be.  It should be understood you are a couple, you're invited together everywhere except the girl night out thing or a business function with no guests.

Well...yes you are right. Never thought about it this way. His friends planned it and he only told me about it after they booked the flights. So it was pretty clear that..well I wasn't really invited. So I didn't ask.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What does moving in together mean to him? To you? Is it because it's more convenient to share physical space or because you both see it as showing you're even more serious? Do either of you want to marry? If so what conversations have happened about getting married or engaged with a wedding date? What is the talk - specifics or just casual talk?

He actually first talked about moving in together because he says he misses me when we are apart. It's the same for me, I want to spend as much time with him as possible. 

I constantly talk about marriage and he just jokes that it is too much paperwork. now that I am writing this all down it sounds pretty bad. He is usually super kind and considerate.

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12 minutes ago, Lau46 said:

Noo we met almost 1,5 years ago. The trip was planned last month. We usually spend weekends together so he knew that I didn't have anything planned an could have easily joined them. 

Yes that is strange. He should be delighted to have you mix it up with all his people. Combine that with his immature/obnoxious comments about women and yes, do not move in, but reflect on how much worse it will get. Reflect if this trip/photo thing is not more of a symptom of bigger problems than an issue in  itself. 

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