Jump to content

I don't feel free.


Recommended Posts

I have been in an LDR for the past 4 months (2 months officially). Short time, I know, but for the most part it's been incredible and we really understand each other. It's just, sometimes, usually when she's upset or simply emotional, it feels like she doesn't care about my feelings. During arguments she never listens to anything I say, whether I'm trying to reason with her or whether I'm completely accepting my mistake and apologizing the best that I possibly can. Though quite recently we had talked for several hours, calmly, about us, our problems and feelings. Everything was great and it was a relief getting reassured on both sides. However, the last point/feeling that I opened up to her about - that I don't feel very free... there's an 8 hour timezone gap between us, though our schedules match well so that we can spend a full 8-10 hours on facetime every single day, which we do almost always. Now, the problem is, that while we're on facetime, I don't feel like I can really do anything other than talk to her or be doing something with her. If I take my attention away for just a few minutes she'll get upset at me saying I don't give her enough attention. Although if I tell her specifically I'm gonna want to be productive for a day, she'll be okay with it.. for few hours at least, if I'm busy 2 or more days consecutively she'll get upset with me. Keeping in mind 'busy' meaning I'm still on ft with her, I'm still spending 4-5 hours on the 'busy' days whether it's playing games or watching a show. When I brought this up to her during our conversation, she got very upset and mad with me, because me not feeling free because of her hurt her feelings. I have felt extremely unproductive for the last couple of months and I don't know what I can do... I feel this is likely because I made her get used to this, from the very beginning we spent all day every day together. 

tl;dr - we spend on avg. 8 hours a day every day together on ft, but she always gets upset at me for shifting my attention away, even for a few minutes. Idk what to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When did you two initially meet in person?  How much time do the two of you spend together physically in person? Not over an electronic device, but actually together in person?  What is the plan for you two to be living in the same area?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 "If I take my attention away for just a few minutes she'll get upset at me saying I don't give her enough attention. Although if I tell her specifically I'm gonna want to be productive for a day, she'll be okay with it.. for few hours at least, if I'm busy 2 or more days consecutively she'll get upset with me. "

 

Issue's so soon...

We can't make people happy all of the time, but I feel SHE is over doing it with her 'neediness'.  She NEEDS to respect the fact that you do have a life outside this relationship.

And so what, you're busy with stuff - get over it.  No guilt.

I suggest at least, is to give her less of this 'ongoing online time'.  Agree to maybe a cpl of hrs and be done, so you can have your own down time. ( think of an actual phone call- does not need to be for 8 hrs!).

It's only been 4 months, but if you're feeling such negative's with this one already, I don't feel you should keep this up. ( due to distance and her attitude).  Is really kind of early to have such negatives going on. 

As seen below . .

1 hour ago, GrayTurtle said:

It's just, sometimes, usually when she's upset or simply emotional, it feels like she doesn't care about my feelings. During arguments she never listens to anything I say, whether I'm trying to reason with her or whether I'm completely accepting my mistake and apologizing the best that I possibly can. Though quite recently we had talked for several hours, calmly, about us, our problems and feelings. Everything was great and it was a relief getting reassured on both sides. However, the last point/feeling that I opened up to her about - that I don't feel very free..

- You feel she doesn't care about your feelings.

- You feel she never listens to you. ( so listen to reply, not listen to understand?).  Then, you two have communication problems.

 

Can YOU see this carry on another 6 mos?  Or is it time to say enough?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We haven't met yet, though planning to visit her very soon. As for living in the same area, she had already been planning to move to my area once she finishes university (Summer 2023) when we met.

Also want to add on that I'm still hopeful for this relationship, because she is really most often very understanding, caring and considerate, I guess I just need a way to help her understand this one specific problem, but I don't know how.

For a little more context, I work from home, self-employed, I make my own hours, so I'm still able to be a little productive during the very late hours, but not as many hours as I'd like and it also means I can't spend regular alone time, playing video games, and just relaxing by myself. We're very opening about general relationship things too, we have talked and mentioned multiple times things like 'doing alone things together' (i.e. not interacting, just being there with each other on ft while I'd be working or her studying), but obviously she hasn't really... followed up on that hahah.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you're not actually in a relationship. You communicate with someone over electronic devices.

Why don't you want to date someone live and in person? Wouldn't it be nice to give and receive a hug, or a kiss? Why would you prefer your phone or your laptop over in person interactions?

I really don't understand why you would not only choose this situation, but remain when it's obviously dissatisfying. You can do whatever you want. You don't have to let someone you've never even met dictate how you spend your days.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- You feel she doesn't care about your feelings.

- You feel she never listens to you. ( so listen to reply, not listen to understand?).  Then, you two have communication problems.

I may have worded this wrongly or exaggerated, but to clear it up a little, this is only when she's in a bad mood, so majority of the time we're able to understand and listen to each other. And often after arguments she does apologize if she feels she was cold to me or just simply in the wrong, which does mean a lot I guess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you're not actually in a relationship. You communicate with someone over electronic devices.

Why don't you want to date someone live and in person? Wouldn't it be nice to give and receive a hug, or a kiss? Why would you prefer your phone or your laptop over in person interactions?

I really don't understand why you would not only choose this situation, but remain when it's obviously dissatisfying. You can do whatever you want. You don't have to let someone you've never even met dictate how you spend your days.

You're probably right, I had been in an LDR before and I didn't want it again. I was on a local dating app, and she had happened to have her location set close to mine. It wasn't my preference, but I still believe in LDR. I just feel other than this problem everything is going extremely well, we match incredibly well, and, again other than this one problem we really can understand each other well. As of right now I am happy and satisfied with us, but I know if this continues then it'll slowly fall apart, I'm still hopeful and we're both still happy and doing well altogether. 

 

18 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

We can't make people happy all of the time, but I feel SHE is over doing it with her 'neediness'.  She NEEDS to respect the fact that you do have a life outside this relationship.

And so what, you're busy with stuff - get over it.  No guilt.

I suggest at least, is to give her less of this 'ongoing online time'.  Agree to maybe a cpl of hrs and be done, so you can have your own down time. ( think of an actual phone call- does not need to be for 8 hrs!).

And I appreciate this piece of advice, I'll try to spend a little less time, and talk to her about it again. Thank you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's already falling apart and you haven't even met, OP. 

She is controlling and needy to a very unhealthy degree. It is ridiculous of her to expect you spend that much time only on FT with her every day. That suggests she is nowhere near mature enough to have a functional relationship.

I don't see this working out well. There shouldn't be this many problems so soon, especially considering you have spent zero time together in person. I think you need to be more realistic that this is not a very viable relationship prospect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Delete and block her. You're unhappy and just arguing. Whenever someone contacts you from this distance and can't meet in a timely fashion, it's a red flag.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss loneliness isolation and withdrawal from life. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Unfortunately you're avoiding real life and real relationships. That's how you got into this mess.

Reach out to friends and family. Get involved in work and school. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness.

Once you get away from hiding behind the screen in a fantasy cyber relationship, you'll start to feel better.

But the first step is getting help to explore why you got involved in this.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you thought that she is just suffocating you? I am not against spending time with somebody even like that, just that, assuming that you both sleep at different time(given time difference) that is 16 hours where  you cant spend time together. So you spend remaining 8 with one another. In those 16 hours you cant spend time, 8 of it one of you is sleeping. So, that leaves "only" 8 hours where you even can be productive(and that is always when she sleeps). Where you can work, hang around with friends, play games etc. That is very limiting.

I know that there are some couples that are like conjoined twins that always do stuff together. But I think its important that you both have some time to breathe. Do you even have friends? Hobbies outside gaming? Do you go out to buy things? Work around home in some way by, for example, cleaning it? You both need time for stuff like that. You want to be productive from work perspective? Do it. Get more work and do it. She shouldnt be a deciding factor in that, you should be. She should be OK with you having time for yourself in any capacity because you spend plenty of time with her anyway. But, I have a feeling you are both too attached there. Hence why the problems when one wants life outside relationship. While it should be issues with that. And you are both too attached because you got nothing going on otherwise. If both of you had life outside online bubble of you two, this shouldnt be an issue at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m not sure how you can consider yourself in a comparable or compatible situation to someone who is still in school. This is unrealistic and creates unrealistic expectations on both sides.

She’s a young student with limited responsibilities and also a limited understanding of the world and you’re expecting her to understand what kind of day or work an entrepreneur goes through to make things run smoothly. You may not be much older than she is but you’re in a completely different universe. It’s hugely unkind to be expecting her to understand you and vice versa. 

To add to this, you’ve not even met, not even once. Yes, LDRs are possible and within reason. 

Go about your day as you must and get what you need to do done. Stop explaining yourself to someone who isn’t able or willing to understand. She may eventually realize how different you are and end this or you may find your differences are too vast. What you do owe yourself and your business is total dedication and have realistic goals for yourself. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

I know that there are some couples that are like conjoined twins that always do stuff together. But I think its important that you both have some time to breathe.

 

Adding to this . . the key is 'doing things'    It's no surprise you don't feel free.  You are tethered to a device with someone who comes undone if you don't do it for at least 8 hours a day.  I can't even imagine.

It's not the same as doing things together.  You two aren't 'doing 'things'

Please don't fool yourself believing that things would be different if you two were in the same vicinity.  She is someone who has shown you that she requires alot of attention and will get upset if you do not oblige.  Can you continue this pace until 2023 and is there a compromise?  Find out now.  You are only 2 months in.  Don't waste any more time finding out if you two are ultimately compatible in the long run.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I would do is tell her that if in the future you happen to be living in the same city at that time you can meet up in person and see if you should go out on a date.  You're not in a romantic relationship.  She is a person (assuming you are sure it is a she, are sure this person is single, the age he/she claims to be) who you interact with online only. 

You certainly can form a platonic friendship but a romantic relationship requires meeting, dating in person regularly over a period of months and  then being in a relationship if, after dating for a few months at least you know you want to be together.  I was in an LDR with my husband for a few years before we married. My mom and my dad were LD for four years in the 1950s.

But in both our cases we already knew each other very well in person, were seriously in a romantic relationship (my parents were engaged- they married in their early 20s). 

I saw my partner every 11 days- my mom and dad about once a month.  And it was very very hard. But it's impossible to do this with a stranger you've never met let alone a needy person.  Please try to date locally.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You cannot be in a romantic relationship with your phone or your laptop. It's literally impossible to fall in love with an image on a screen, words or a voice.

Why do you prefer online-only attachments over in-person relationships? I have to presume you're fearful or you're emotionally unavailable. Otherwise, why would you be satisfied with zero physical interactions? And why would you allow yourself to be trapped by someone you've never even met?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's emotionally manipulating you...that's a form of abuse...it's her way of controlling you, that's why you feel trapped. It's not a good feeling that's because it's toxic. Basically this girl is a hot mess and she has no business doing an LDR if she doesn't have the mental stability to handle it. Sorry but there is no cure.  There's better out their bro. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • How To Make A Woman Want You Sexually (Guide To Building Her Interest And Sexual Attraction)
      Learn how to make a woman want you sexually! In today's video we're talking about sexual attraction and how you make a woman want you! We're going to be discussing some useful tips you can put to work to get a woman interested in you and building that sexual desire. Often men think they know exactly what women want, men in sports cars with big houses a big wallet and a bad boy attitude. This might be what the ladies want in movies but not in real life it's very different. To know what a lady wants you need to understand what you need to do to make her want you sexually. Imagine if you knew the secret formula to do this, the one that tells you exactly what women want sexually. The formula would let you know exactly what you need to do to get a woman to fall into your arms, sounds too good to be true right? Well it's not! It's as easy as being mindful of your own behaviour and adopting steel-proof boundaries. Want to know some more? Well don't move an inch.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to know when he's really fallen in LOVE
      You’re falling in love with your man deeper every day, but you don’t know if he feels the same way for you. It’s natural to want to know his feelings for you. What happens when he doesn’t say it or he’s not the type to say that? His actions tell you he loves you, but you could be wrong, right? So how do you know when he’s really in love with you? It’s not always so easy, but it’s not impossible either!

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Psychological Secrets of Attraction
      Knowing whether or not someone is “into you” can be incredibly difficult if they don’t explicitly say it. In this video, we will be looking at some psychological secrets of attraction.

       
      • 0 replies
    • This Healing Mindset That Helps Overcome Trauma Symptoms
      If you grew up with neglect and abuse, you've needed time to talk about what happened, and how parents and others treated you. But THEN what? Once you've acknowledged the past and gained an understanding of how you developed symptoms of trauma, how can you overcome those symptoms, and move forward with building a happy and fulfilled life? In this video I teach about the two general categories of comments I see on my channel, and what that suggestions about the commenter's readiness to heal.

       
      • 0 replies
    • "I Want A Girlfriend" Do THIS First
      I want a girlfriend. Have you ever found yourself thinking "I want a girlfriend" but you're not quite sure if you're actually ready for one? Before you go about doing anything else it's important to make sure that you actually need a girlfriend right now.

       
        • Like
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...