I don’t want to continue lending my car to my boyfriend and his adult son. Are they taking advantage of me?

[Browneyes87]

Hi,

I’m new here and I need some advice.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we live together. When I met him, he didn’t had a car and I didn’t mind sharing my car with him. We live in a city with lots of transportation, so sometimes my boyfriend takes the bus or rides his bike.  It’s not like you can’t live here without a car. 

The problem is that he has an adult son who doesn’t have a car either. He’s 24 years old and he calls my boyfriend to pick him up on weekends from his job and take him to his girlfriend’s house or to the gym. He only asks my boyfriend for rides on weekends because the car is not available during the week since me and my boyfriend use it to go to work. But this has been going on for almost 2 years that he keeps asking to be picked up. He seems lazy to get his own car or to ride a bus or Uber. He’s not disabled or anything, he’s just entitled. 

I’ve already told my boyfriend two times that his son is old enough to get to places on his own instead of calling dad to pick him up like he’s still in kindergarten. My boyfriend stopped asking to use my car for a while but then he continued to enable his son’s behavior. Since nothing has changed in such a long time, I don’t think my boyfriend will put a stop to this and I’m really starting to feel like they’re both taking advantage of my generosity. His son has NEVER offered me gas money and I pay for all the car expenses. My boyfriend is the one who offers money here and there. But it’s not necessary the money what bothers me. I’m upset that his son is not self sufficient and doesn’t change his ways. He’s content being that way.

Would it be a bad idea if I talk to the son directly and tell him I cannot continue lending his dad my car for his rides??? I feel that my boyfriend is okay with his son being inconsiderate. As a matter of fact, my boyfriend also told me that someday he was going to get a car for himself (not his son) and in 3 years he hasn’t done anything. I don’t want to put up with two grown men that can’t get their *** together. I think helping my boyfriend is enough. I don’t want to have to deal with his son too. Would it look bad if I talk to the son directly since my boyfriend is not firm with him? Do you think it’s normal for a 24 year old to act like this?

[SooSad33]

Yeah, some take a while to 'grow up' and learn respect & responsibility.  Yes, I'd expect something from the son as well.

Does he live there too?  If not, does he live nearby?

I have a son who uses my car to get to work, he does pay for gas & he does help with maintenance etc.  He uses it so it will in time need to have things tended to.

Sounds like your BF is lacking with ability to speak up to his son about this stuff maybe?

How about YOU sit down with them both and have a decent talk about this. And, while doing so, ask your BF what's happening with his plan on getting his own... If my 22 yr old son can find a used, decent car with his gf, no reason why your bf can't do this.

 

[melancholy123]

This young man takes advantage of you because he can.  You allow this to continue.  So you need to stop it!  Never. mind what it "looks like!"  he's a lazy ass mooch who is using you..  it's that simple.

If he's got a job he should be getting his own car and really so should hid father, your bf.  You people are screwed if that car breaks, then nobody is going anywhere.

Nobody can take advantage of you wittout your permission.

[Wiseman2]

Talk to your insurance agent about the extreme risks of letting them, particularly the son, drive your vehicle.

If anything happens they are not on your insurance (not to mention paying for insurance, maintenance, wear and tear, etc.).

 You are taking way too many risks. If the son totals your car or injures someone you are in serious trouble for refusing to simply say "No".

 Just say no. It's that simple. If they insist, give you grief, etc., you know they are users.

Let BF and son get second and third jobs if they want a car and to pay insurance, maintenance and all the related costs. 

 

[boltnrun]

My ex had a suspended license. He frequently asked to use my car. I was worried about him getting pulled over and my car getting impounded. So I solved that problem by buying a new car that was a 5 speed. He borrowed it ONE time and stalled it five times in two blocks. Dude couldn't drive a stick shift lol. He never asked to borrow it again.

I don't necessarily recommend that course of action. But I don't think any explanation is needed. Just tell your boyfriend your car is no longer available for free taxi service. If he wants to use it, give it to him on empty and let him fill the tank. Or...simply tell him "no". They can call an Uber or a Lyft or ride the bus.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Browneyes87 said:

Would it be a bad idea if I talk to the son directly and tell him I cannot continue lending his dad my car for his rides?

Tell them that your insurance company contacted you for a renewal and that both the BF and son are not authorized to drive it. You seem to lack the courage to tell them straight up so use that.

The son is a bum because your BF enables it. And you enable it by allowing them to mooch. Just stop. They are both uninsured drivers and you are foolish to allow this just to be liked.

[Batya33]

Yes they are taking advantage of you and putting you at great risk if there is an accident.  Rehearse one sentence - no apologies, no tone, no back story "I'm no longer comfortable with you using my car to give your son rides places."  

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't even bother talking to your boyfriend's son.  Your boyfriend is the one who is chauffeuring his son everywhere in your car.  Of course, it's not normal for a 24 year old to act like this.

Your boyfriend won't change.  The real question here is:  How much longer are you willing to tolerate your boyfriend using you for your car?  He's enabling his son to use him as a chauffeur but he only does it because you're the one giving permission to lend your car at their disposal. 

I agree with Wiseman2.  Your boyfriend and his son will cause you to become liable should either one of them get involved in a collision with other morotists, pedestrians or whatever the accident scenario will be.  Car lending is very risky in an event of an accident and do you look forward to getting sued?  You're setting yourself up for disaster.  Beware. 

Either accept your boyfriend and his son as is or consider a different, safer future for yourself. 

[Browneyes87]

Hi

I forgot to mention that the son doesn’t even live with us, yet he expects his dad to be available on weekends to drive him. That’s also something else that bothers me. We have to interrupt whatever we’re doing because the kid can’t get around on his own. It’s ridiculous. 
i will just speak with the son because my boyfriend won’t listen and prefers to get manipulated by his son. But I have even thought if it’s worth staying in the relationship because it turns me off that my boyfriend is not a really good dad and he even gets mad sometimes when I don’t lend him the car and plays the victim

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Browneyes87 said:

 my boyfriend is not a really good dad and he even gets mad sometimes when I don’t lend him the car and plays the victim

You're enabling all this. The BF is the problem.

You're the one who's manipulated by the BF. You're so terrified of losing him that you'll put up with this.

Is it your house? When did the BF move in?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Browneyes87 said:

Hi

I forgot to mention that the son doesn’t even live with us, yet he expects his dad to be available on weekends to drive him. That’s also something else that bothers me. We have to interrupt whatever we’re doing because the kid can’t get around on his own. It’s ridiculous. 
i will just speak with the son because my boyfriend won’t listen and prefers to get manipulated by his son. But I have even thought if it’s worth staying in the relationship because it turns me off that my boyfriend is not a really good dad and he even gets mad sometimes when I don’t lend him the car and plays the victim

If you speak with the son that's you being indirect and it won't be a good look for you as far as the health of your relationship.  You don't have to interrupt what you are doing.  You choose to.  Simply remove the option of the car.  If he interrupts things to hire an uber or some other option then decide if you like being an afterthought in this non-emergency situation.  The son is not your son or related to you and the son will be baffled as to why he's being pulled into this -all he is doing is asking.  He's allowed to ask. 

My son makes a game out of asking me for stuff he knows I'll say no to -he's a tween.  The son has to act in a respectful way to you -so if son asks you to give him a ride he has to be respectful when you say no.  But his dad saying yes is not the son's fault. 

[Wiseman2]

When your BF or his son total your car or get pulled over for not being an insured driver, perhaps you'll see what the real problem is with allowing these two to use your car.

 

[Rose Mosse]

17 hours ago, Browneyes87 said:

I don’t want to put up with two grown men that can’t get their *** together. I think helping my boyfriend is enough. I don’t want to have to deal with his son too. Would it look bad if I talk to the son directly since my boyfriend is not firm with him? Do you think it’s normal for a 24 year old to act like this?

Unfortunately that’s what you have. Two grown men who can’t get their act together. Behaviours like this are passed down and learned. You dated yourself into a family of entitled users.

I would not have a discussion in private with the son as he’s not your son. The conversation needs to be with your boyfriend and you’ll have to be willing to end this. I don’t know how you’re able to even have a meal with someone like this who doesn’t work for what he needs or wants but takes from others. I wouldn’t be able to stay in the same room with a person who does this for long let alone date or live with him. 

I think you are frustrated and wanting a quick fix but also want your cake and eat it too. If it’s not the car, it’ll be something else. This is a characteristic of their family. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Browneyes87 said:

I forgot to mention that the son doesn’t even live with us. my boyfriend won’t listen 

How long have you lived together? Who's place is it? The problem is your BF, not the adult son. That's just another symptom.

[boltnrun]

Talking directly to the son will have zero effect. He'll just keep going to his dad, who will demand the car and you'll give in because for some reason you are afraid to say "no" to him.

This is not going to end. So it's up to you if possibly losing your car or having to pay a hefty fine is worth it to "keep" him.

[DancingFool]

11 hours ago, Browneyes87 said:

Hi

I forgot to mention that the son doesn’t even live with us, yet he expects his dad to be available on weekends to drive him. That’s also something else that bothers me. We have to interrupt whatever we’re doing because the kid can’t get around on his own. It’s ridiculous. 
i will just speak with the son because my boyfriend won’t listen and prefers to get manipulated by his son. But I have even thought if it’s worth staying in the relationship because it turns me off that my boyfriend is not a really good dad and he even gets mad sometimes when I don’t lend him the car and plays the victim

No, don't speak to the son directly as it's not your place. The son isn't asking you for anything, he is asking his dad.

You are the one who can't seem to be able to say no to your bf. Kind of ironic, considering that you are upset about the very same thing - your bf not saying no to his son.

If you really want this nonsense to end then you need to learn how to say no. You don't have to interrupt anything you are doing. You can simply say NO. Your bf can pitch whatever tantrum he wants but so what? He plays a victim of what exactly? The real issue is that you fall for that bs time and time again. Don't want to be manipulated? Then learn to have boundaries and learn how to say no and stay firm with that. No means no kind of a thing and it's not a discussion.

I wouldn't even recommend that you have any kind of a discussion about this at all. Inform your bf that your car is no longer available on weekends for his use and is otherwise only available for work transport, if that's something you still want to continue. If you want to soften it a little, you can say that the car is aging and needs to be preserved better. Again - not a discussion, not a debate, not a conversation. Just inform him and stick to it.

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, Browneyes87 said:

Hi

I forgot to mention that the son doesn’t even live with us, yet he expects his dad to be available on weekends to drive him. That’s also something else that bothers me. We have to interrupt whatever we’re doing because the kid can’t get around on his own. It’s ridiculous. 
i will just speak with the son because my boyfriend won’t listen and prefers to get manipulated by his son. But I have even thought if it’s worth staying in the relationship because it turns me off that my boyfriend is not a really good dad and he even gets mad sometimes when I don’t lend him the car and plays the victim

Your boyfriend's son will ask his father to drive him and your boyfriend will drive him because your boyfriend will not listen to you.  This is the predictable scenario. 

You've raised valid questions regarding whether or not to remain with your boyfriend because he sets a poor example as a father AND becomes angry if you don't lend him your car and him playing the victim like a spoiled brat. 

Google "gaslighting" because your boyfriend is gaslighting you.  He's deflecting, changing the subject, manipulating the conversation so he's the victim and you are the villain.  Your boyfriend is forcing you to change your perception of the facts.  Gaslighting is psychological warfare and manipulation.   You are being manipulated by your boyfriend. 

Your patience and tolerance or lack thereof will determine the longevity of your relationship with your boyfriend.  Let that be your guide and then you will know.  At that point, you will make your decision and what is best for your life. 

Constant interruptions in your relationship will not change as long as your boyfriend kowtows to his son.  'Blood is thicker than water' means your boyfriend's family, namely his son is more important than you.  His family comes first and you have low status and nonexistent priority in your boyfriend's life.  His son is first and you are second or lower than that.  This is how you rank according to how he mistreats you.  He disrespects you which is NOT love. 

[smackie9]

Ok the needle scratched over the record when you said you pay for all the car expenses. Girl put your foot down! tell your BF to get his own car period. Then he can enable that kid of his on his own expense/out of his pocket. Grow a spine. Take the keys away. If he don't like it show him the door. 

[reinventmyself]

What exactly are you afraid will happen? They will get mad?  

Think about it.  They'll get mad because you won't allow them to interrupt your weekends?  You won't allow them to further depreciate your car and feel entitled to it?   Not to mention the liability this creates for you.  Not to mention you further lose respect for your bf who coddles his grown son.  If he's still doing this for him at 24 there doesn't seem to be cut off point to cut the cord with him.  I personally saw my job as a parent was to teach my sons to be independent and autonomous.  His help (at your expense) is crippling his son.  

Like father, like son.  I can't help but think this is not the only thing that two grown men feel entitled to or seem to not feel responsible for.

Just say no. Create some boundaries. Tell them why.  Keep it simple and direct and tell them it's not open for debate.  Let them get mad and get over it.  What is your alternative?   Continue the way you are and grow further resentful?  They aren't going to respect you, if you don't expect it.

[catfeeder]

I'd take the car for a trip this weekend without the BF.

While on the trip I'd figure out my plan for ditching the BF.

Based on all you've said in this thread, it doesn't sound as though you really know why you're still with him.

The car isn't the problem, it's a symptom. Don't use it to distract yourself from recognizing the real problem, and you'll thank yourself later.

[smackie9]

Ya you can say no you are busy with the car, get in the car and run errands, go for lunch with a friend, go visit a friend,etc every weekend...fill your weekends up using the car and keep your keys in your pocket. He asks say no you need the car.

[Browneyes87]

Thanks for all your replies

I will have a serious talk with my boyfriend about this. But as I said before, he already knows I don’t like this because I had talk to him. He stopped but then continued… 

Maybe someone else was giving the son a ride and that person also got tired of him. Who would put up with that? 
No offense but his son is extremely immature as a 24 year old. He sends me texts every weekend telling me: “can you ask my dad if he can pick me up after work?” Apparently BF and son have bad communication but that’s not my problem. I’m not his secretary. As a matter of fact, I told him last weekend to talk to his dad directly and the kid still doesn’t get it. He’s still texting and has no respect. I get it if it’s an emergency but over this??? 
If my boyfriend still doesn’t make his son grow up and become self sufficient should I leave him? Because they will always rely on my car since they don’t want to get their own 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Browneyes87 said:

He’s still texting and has no respect.

Block the son and check with your insurance carrier about the enormous risks you're taking letting the BF use your vehicle.

 You are at the center of enabling all of this. You chitchat via text with the son and you give your BF the car.

Don't be mad at them, be mad at yourself for being a doormat and not being safe about your car. You're enjoying the drama and control over them.

[boltnrun]

Instead of leaving him, how about you just tell him "no"?

He can't "continue" without your consent.  So stop giving your consent.  Keep the car keys in your possession. If he has a set, get them back from him.  If he objects, ask him why he thinks you should be allowing him to use your car to drive his son around.  

He doesn't want to get a car?  Then he doesn't go anywhere, or he uses public transportation or a ride share app or he walks.  Simple.

And if he insists he needs to use your car, THEN consider ending the relationship.  Because that would be a lack of respect and disregard for your feelings, which is a much bigger issue.

[Seraphim]

I think breaking up is best. People are not going to dump their children. Find someone who has no big commitments like kids.