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He cheated with his baby mama


Missluluz
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So, I (36F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for a little over a year now and we live together. Everything has been pretty good up until now, we started having some issues. He has a son who is almost two, who I have been around but when my boyfriend has visitations his son sleeps at his sisters house and doesnt sleep at our apartment. I have never met or spoken to his sons mother even though we've been together for a year and i've been around her son. I found his baby mama finally on social media and his baby mama still has lots of photos of them together all over her social media some even extremely recently posted, I asked him about it he told me those photos and videos were old from the past and he told me he would tell her to delete them because its disrespectful to our relationship. Well, she continues to post things of them together on social media and I got sick of it so I commented and told her to stop.

This opened up a giant can of worms. We started going back and forth and she told me that he has been claiming that he has been single this entire time essentially that she had no idea he was even seeing someone or who I am and that he lives alone, that our apartment is essentially only his apartment and that they have been seeing each other on and off this whole entire time still sleeping together. She did say that they were officially "broken up" but that they still say I love you everytime they talk on the phone, they facetime all day even while hes at work, that just the other day they were planning a romantic night for her birthday in a few months, and hes been talking about sleeping over her place and that he is still a father figure to her other child with a different man. She says she feels like he cheated on her with me even though they werent officially back together and she doesnt understand why he didnt tell her about me.

From talking to her I learned that she is extremely close with his family, his sister and her have been best friends for 10+ years and talk every single day. She told me that even his mother and sister have been lying to her saying that he is single but yet I see his family all the time. So essentially his family has also been lying to her saying that he is single and lives alone as well. I dont even know how to feel or think. I dont understand how he has been lying to her about being with me and living with me for a year and still seeing her this whole time. I confronted my boyfriend about it after I talked to her and he did admit to everything, that he has been lying to her about me and that he does love her but he wants to be with me he wants to make it right. I want to make this relationship work but considering everything it makes me feel as if our relationship wasn't as serious as I thought I feel like Im my own boyfriends side chick. The baby mama said she is heartbroken but that now she knows about me and him being in a relationship she will respect that we are in a relationship but she honestly had no idea about me.

Does anyone think this relationship is worth trying to work out? I feel as if this woman will always be an issue, I dont know how to be able to trust him again and how he pulled this gigantic lie off for a year. I also apparently cant trust his family because they were lying to her too, and knew that he was cheating with her this entire time. I want to know if this relationship is worth trying to save or what I should do about this I am so heartbroken. 

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2 hours ago, Missluluz said:

So, I (36F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for a little over a year now and we live together. 

Sorry this happened. It seems like too much too soon. Why did he move in with you? Did he and his GF/child's mother break up for a while? 

He's been cheating on his child's mother with you. End it. This has nowhere to go but downhill.

Let him sort himself out and be a better father rather than a stray cat.

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 hours ago, Missluluz said:

I want to know if this relationship is worth trying to save

Nope. Not even for a moment. 

This man has zero respect for you and does not love you. You've been played, hard, for an entire year. There is no coming back from that. 

Get rid of him before the sun goes down today. 

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I’m so sorry you are going through this. The only outcome that will bring you any happiness in this situation is to end things. Yes, you will hurt for a while but your relationship was based on a lie. Your bf led a double life, stringing two women along, enabled by his family. The whole situation is eff’d up and if he can do something like this then he will have no shame in doing it again. His ex, as the mother of his child, is always going to be in his life and, I suspect, he is going to continue pulling her strings. Walk away from him and give yourself the chance to meet someone who will love you and only you. Staying with this man will not bring you happiness.  

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6 hours ago, Missluluz said:

Does anyone think this relationship is worth trying to work out?

Absolutely not.

6 hours ago, Missluluz said:

I feel as if this woman will always be an issue

The woman is not the issue. The stinking liar and his stinking lying family is the issue.

6 hours ago, Missluluz said:

I feel like Im my own boyfriends side chick.

That is so absurd that it makes me want to laugh--except that it's TRUE. So, it's really very sad. 

I know that you can do a lot better. Don't waste a second more of your precious time with this loser or his loser family. 

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Do you pay the rent or mortgage on this home? Does he contribute financially?

Yes, you are the "side chick", especially if you are paying the housing cost and all the bills. 

No, this sham "relationship" is not worth "saving". I can't understand why you'd even want it to.

Tell him he has 30 days to find somewhere else to live. 

And for the future, do not be in such a hurry to move a new guy in with you (or share accomodations). Get to know a man before you decide to live together.

Edited by boltnrun
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Why on earth would you want to stay in this cesspool for even another second of your life? Your entire relationship with him and his family has been a giant lie. Not only has he been leading a double life, but his family helps, assists, and enables him. The whole lot of them are pathological.

Get away from these people as fast and as far and as quickly as you can and never look back or have any contact with them again. Kick him out with extreme prejudice and then block and delete and don't answer any strange calls or messages from numbers unknown.

Also, when you dump him, be prepared for drama, tears, apologies, promises, and even threats. Do not fall for any of that and again, don't listen, just block block block. Remember - sane people do not lead double lives. Period.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you pay the rent or mortgage on this home? Does he contribute financially?

Yes, you are the "side chick", especially if you are paying the housing cost and all the bills. 

No, this sham "relationship" is not worth "saving". I can't understand why you'd even want it to.

Tell him he has 30 days to find somewhere else to live. 

And for the future, do not be in such a hurry to move a new guy in with you (or share accomodations). Get to know a man before you decide to live together.

We have an apartment I am the only one on the lease. I pay the rent, he has been unemployed up until about a month ago so most of the bills have always been on me. I feel maybe he even only used me for a place to live rent free at this point. 

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1 minute ago, Missluluz said:

We have an apartment I am the only one on the lease. I pay the rent, he has been unemployed up until about a month ago so most of the bills have always been on me. I feel maybe he even only used me for a place to live rent free at this point. 

I'm not at all surprised to find out you've been paying for everything. 

Yes, he benefitted from a free apartment. 

Why were you in such a hurry to have him move in? Was it because he needed a place to stay and you figured things were going so well he might as well move in? You probably realize now what a bad decision that was.

He obviously has family he can stay with. Or he can move in with his girlfriend/child's mother (I refuse to use the term "baby mama" as that is disrespectful to the child). I recommend you give him 30 days to find somewhere to live. In the meantime do not pay for anything for him. Buy food for yourself only. Get him off of any phone plan or Netflix account or whatever he has access to.

I'm sorry he took advantage of your generosity. But take this as a life lesson. Don't let men move in so quickly. If they have financial issues they must resolve those before any discussion of living together.

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5 minutes ago, Missluluz said:

I feel maybe he even only used me for a place to live rent free at this point. 

Yes. You have insight into this. Since he's nothing more than a houseguest, give him a few days to move his stuff out, then change the locks and delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

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43 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not at all surprised to find out you've been paying for everything. 

Yes, he benefitted from a free apartment. 

Why were you in such a hurry to have him move in? Was it because he needed a place to stay and you figured things were going so well he might as well move in? You probably realize now what a bad decision that was.

He obviously has family he can stay with. Or he can move in with his girlfriend/child's mother (I refuse to use the term "baby mama" as that is disrespectful to the child). I recommend you give him 30 days to find somewhere to live. In the meantime do not pay for anything for him. Buy food for yourself only. Get him off of any phone plan or Netflix account or whatever he has access to.

I'm sorry he took advantage of your generosity. But take this as a life lesson. Don't let men move in so quickly. If they have financial issues they must resolve those before any discussion of living together.

When we met he had been living with his mom at the time in a one bedroom apartment. We had only been dating for a month or so before he moved in. I saw it as me helping him…… things were great. I was under the impression we were serious. I had been around his family, and I did meet his other childrens mother even though they do not coparent I just haven’t met his sons mother but now I know why. I did always ask him why I had never met her and as a mother myself I would think she would want to meet be because I am around her son but he always made an excuse. 

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54 minutes ago, Missluluz said:

We have an apartment I am the only one on the lease. I pay the rent, he has been unemployed up until about a month ago so most of the bills have always been on me. I feel maybe he even only used me for a place to live rent free at this point. 

Bingo. 

Even before you found out he's been leading a double life, there were red flags. Why has he been unemployed so long, and how quickly did he move in? Where did you meet this guy?

EDIT: I see your response to my question in your previous post. Never, ever let someone move in that quickly. Shacking up after 4/5 weeks of dating is terribly unwise. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Bingo. 

Even before you found out he's been leading a double life, there were red flags. Why has he been unemployed so long, and how quickly did he move in? Where did you meet this guy?

He had knee surgery almost a year ago, so that is why he was unemployed. He had to heal and was doing physical therapy. He moved in within 2 months of us dating. He was living with his mom in a one bedroom apartment 

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22 minutes ago, Missluluz said:

I saw it as me helping him…… things were great. I was under the impression we were serious.

After a month?? How can you possibly be in a "serious" relationship in only one month?

Has it been a long time since you were in a relationship? Or had you recently been broken up with? I can't imagine what motivated you to fast track this dating situation.

You can work even after knee surgery. I went back to work two weeks after my knee surgery. I was put on modified duty but I still could work. Heck, I had major, life saving abdominal surgery and was back at work in three months. But I didn't have anyone paying rent and all the bills for me, so there is that.

Bottom line, yes, you are being used for free housing and all associated expenses. He's in a relationship with his child's mother. Obviously a toxic relationship, but one nonetheless. Time to show this cheating freeloader the door. And yes, change the locks and block him and his entire family from contacting you.

Expect sweet talk, bullying, self pity, begging, etc. when he tries to keep his sweet deal going so he won't have to actually pay for his own existence. Don't fall for his BS. He's about himself, not the two of you.

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29 minutes ago, Missluluz said:

He was living with his mom in a one bedroom apartment 

Excellent. let him pack his stuff up and move back. Don't be the love nest for affairs in the future.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to mature, single employed men who are not homeless, have illegitimate children, are deadbeat dads or cheaters.

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11 hours ago, Missluluz said:

So, I (36F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for a little over a year now and we live together. Everything has been pretty good up until now

Only been together a year & already living together?  And his kid is only 2 😕 .

 

11 hours ago, Missluluz said:

. I found his baby mama finally on social media and his baby mama still has lots of photos of them together all over her social media some even extremely recently posted, I asked him about it he told me those photos and videos were old from the past and he told me he would tell her to delete them because its disrespectful to our relationship. Well, she continues to post things of them together on social media and I got sick of it so I commented and told her to stop.

Okay, YOU have no rights doing this.  You don't approach your bf's ex about anything.  This is her life and is between them.

 

As for HIM?  He's still stuck on her and has been lying.  Is time to walk away from all of this...

They both have a lot do work through & figure their stuff out.  You don't belong in this and HE is pathetic for acting out like this 😕 .

Get away from this whole situation and get yourself back on track.  No one deserves this type of treatment.. ugh, liars & cheaters 😕 .

 

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2 hours ago, Missluluz said:

We have an apartment I am the only one on the lease. I pay the rent, he has been unemployed up until about a month ago so most of the bills have always been on me. I feel maybe he even only used me for a place to live rent free at this point. 

So now it becomes so much clearer.  No wonder why his mum is enabling him, she didn't want the responsibility.  Stick with that thought because I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

2 hours ago, Missluluz said:

We had only been dating for a month or so before he moved in. I saw it as me helping him…… things were great. 

A month?  I don't mean to be rude, but that was desperation on your part.  You say you wanted to help him out but then said you thought you were serious.  Helping him out was an excuse because you wanted something serious.  You jumped in way too soon.

2 hours ago, Missluluz said:

and I did meet his other childrens mother even though they do not coparent. 

What do you mean they don't co-parent.  Does he not see this child/children?  How many children does he have?

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10 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

So now it becomes so much clearer.  No wonder why his mum is enabling him, she didn't want the responsibility.  Stick with that thought because I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

A month?  I don't mean to be rude, but that was desperation on your part.  You say you wanted to help him out but then said you thought you were serious.  Helping him out was an excuse because you wanted something serious.  You jumped in way too soon.

What do you mean they don't co-parent.  Does he not see this child/children?  How many children does he have?

He has 3 children he has two daughters with his ex wife he is the one who I have met. They do not coparent she had stopped allowing him visitations, I have never met his daughters but I did meet her. I have been around his 20 month old son who he was with the baby mama that he cheated with, but I had never met or spoken to her the entire time we have been together. 

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At age 27, he has 3 children from 2 different mothers.

He is not allowed to see his 2 daughters from his first marriage.

He has been unemployed up until last month.

He is a freeloader and does not contribute to the rent and expenses.

He is a cheater.

Am I right to assume he does not pay child support?

Does that feel like you won the lottery with this man?? Please let this “gem” move back to his moms place.

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6 minutes ago, Missluluz said:

He has 3 children he has two daughters with his ex wife he is the one who I have met. They do not coparent she had stopped allowing him visitations, I have never met his daughters but I did meet her. I have been around his 20 month old son who he was with the baby mama that he cheated with, but I had never met or spoken to her the entire time we have been together. 

He absolutely has rights to see his children.  Either he isn't bothered to see them and is lying about not being able to or he isn't bothered to contest his ex-wife's decision.  He's 27, has fathered three children (two of whom he doesn't see and one who stays with his sister on his visitations) and, until he met you, was living in a one bed apartment with his mum.  Does this guy actually tick any boxes at all? He is not boyfriend, husband or father material in any way shape or form.  

 

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Let me guess, he was sooo sweet to you when you met. And he can be the sweetest guy sometimes. Maybe a few times he rubbed your back or made you dinner.

I'm not poking fun at you. I'm just trying to get you to realize how very unsuitable this guy is as a partner. I can't fathom what it is you find so alluring about him that you want to try to "save" this sham of a relationship.

You're employed, pay your bills and have a giving heart. Why you feel this guy is the best you can do is puzzling. Decent men would be lining up to find a woman like you. But you won't meet any of them if you keep yourself shackled to this guy who belongs at the bottom of the barrel.

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On 2/20/2022 at 11:09 PM, Missluluz said:

 

Does anyone think this relationship is worth trying to work out? I feel as if this woman will always be an issue, I dont know how to be able to trust him again and how he pulled this gigantic lie off for a year. I also apparently cant trust his family because they were lying to her too, and knew that he was cheating with her this entire time. I want to know if this relationship is worth trying to save or what I should do about this I am so heartbroken. 

Why would you want to? What relationship? You aren't in a relationship...though as far as it seems, his family might not think you are anything more than a roommate....that's giving them major benefit of the doubt. Do you have a two-bedroom? 

Kick him out. Today. He doesn't respect you and it honestly sounds like you don't respect yourself if you would actually stay in a relationship with this going on. You've not been together that long anyway, I mean you are still in the getting-to-know you phase.

Edited to add: just saw that he's unemployed, divorced with three kids from two women (two of the kids he's not allowed to see...why?)....and living off you...at 27! That's awful. I'm so sorry but get someone on your own level, this guy sounds totally lame. And maybe talk to a therapist because this is pretty traumatic, but you also might need some help in learning how to choose 'em. I know love is blind, but he's awful on paper.

Edited by CookiesandCandy
Adding after reading more comments....
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