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Current husband is jealous that I’m meeting my ex husband’s girlfriend


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I have been divorced from my ex husband for two years now. We were together for 20 years. I have since remarried. My ex husband dated around a lot and has finally found a girlfriend he thinks is serious enough he wants her to meet our kids and me. I don’t know how to prepare myself for the meeting and I am anxious about it. My current husband is very jealous and bothered that I even seem to care. He feels like I shouldn’t care about it because we are married and I’ve moved on. I have tried to explain to him that it’s not a jealous feeling that I am feeling. I do not miss being with my ex in any way, he was not good to me. I am adjusting to the thought of a new woman in my kids life and being compared to my ex husbands new girlfriend. But I feel like my current husband is being very selfish by starting arguments about this. He is more worried about what this meeting is going to make him feel than how I’m going to feel. I don’t know how to explain this to him. He has never been divorced or even had a long term relationship. 

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7 hours ago, cxharvey20 said:

I have been divorced from my ex husband for two years now. We were together for 20 years. I have since remarried. 

Sorry this is happening. There's nothing wrong with your kids father meeting someone he's dating seriously, particularly if your kids are young adults.

What were the reasons for the divorce? You seem to have remarried in a rush. Is your husband controlling or possessive or jealous in other ways?

Start by referring to him as "your children's father". Try to take the former marriage out of the equation and focus on co-parenting. It is weird that he wants you to meet his GF. What do your kids make of this?

Does your husband have kids or an ex wife?

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Here is what I would do. I would wait until there is a wedding date set for him and his girlfriend before meeting her.  I would then have all of you meet including your husband.  Are you ok with the girlfriend being around your children and if you're not do you have leverage?  I don't think there's a purpose to you meeting a girlfriend and I'm separately puzzled as to why your husband cares. I do think you should have open lines of communication with your kids as to how they feel about her, etc.  And if there is an issue maybe you do meet her.  

As far as comparison you have to be the adult here and the parent here.  Even if your kids click with her better than you in certain situations that's actually a good thing.  We can't be everything to our kids all the time. Just like our kids behave better with other adults than they do with us or might think another adult in their life is cooler or better than we are.  Or how in many families the child goes through phases where they like mom better than dad, or vice versa.  As a parent and an adult we have to rise above that and work on ourselves so that our kids aren't subject to implied or express issues with the "comparisons".

Good luck!

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10 hours ago, cxharvey20 said:

He has never been divorced or even had a long term relationship. 

This is very odd. Meet the girlfriend, tread carefully in your new marriage. It seems you both rushed into a new commitment extremely fast. There’s a possibility you are vastly incompatible with your new husband and he’s too self-absorbed and selfish to understand what it means to coparent. He also has zero reference point in terms of having past experiences or long term relationships. It means he’s never ended a relationship or experienced heartbreak, nor does he have a clue what healing means or rebuilding a life especially after divorce. A person doesn’t need to marry or divorce to know or experience these things to some degree but he has absolutely NO reference. 

I’d put your kids first and explain clearly that you have your kids’ best interests. That is your top priority. Stop complaining about your fears to him as he has NO reference or understanding and cannot be expected to know or empathize easily. All he’s known is himself so what you’re getting is a man who is reacting only for himself. 

Treat this occasion as a necessity and it’s absolutely your business meeting her as she’ll be in contact with your kids. Everything else manage responsibly including your anxiety and any personal thoughts. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Seems to me that your ex is trying to do the right thing by introducing his children to his gf in a proper way in his mind.  It sounds like he wants there to be no problems so he wants her to meet you as well since there will obviously be interaction sooner or later so getting the introductions out of the way and meeting the children at the same time seems reasonable. I am sure you are curious at least as who she is and how she will be around your shared children.  Go meet her with an open mind and remember she is nervous about meeting you too.

 As far as your new husband goes.  This new husband doesn't seem to treat you very well either and is being extremely jealous and controlling.  These are your children and you want to know who they will be spending time around so he needs to get over himself.  I am not sure why he is jealous anyways.  Does he think your husbands gf is going to try and seduce you???

  If he is that insecure you need to consider talking to a counselor together or he needs to see a therapist or this new marriage is not going to last long.

  Lost

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What kind of relationship does your new husband have with your children?

I'd ask him whether he's invested enough in your children to join this meeting with you.

If he still acts like a jerk about it, that should tell you what you need to know about him--he's not mature enough to look out for your kids, so you need to step up and do what YOU must for them.

Let him get over it, or let him keep showing you his true colors while you decide whether he's a good enough element to have in your home and in your life with your kids.

Edited by catfeeder
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Stop using your current husband as a free therapist you can vent your emotions about your ex to. That's really inappropriate and as you can see, it's causing a rift between you. You jumped into this marriage really fast and because of that, there is no surprise that there are insecurities there, especially when it comes to whether or not you are really over your ex like you claim.

Stop making this about YOUR feelings. Just stop that completely. Instead, make it what it is - about your kids. Essentially a business meeting to meet a woman who will be a part of their lives. A bit like interviewing a live in nanny. If you can frame it like that for yourself and your current husband, perhaps that will help you a lot. Basically focus on co-parenting.

That said, if you don't feel any need to meet this woman, then you can always just say no thanks, no need. Address any co-parenting issues strictly with your ex and whoever he is dating is not your problem. Create boundaries that work for you instead of just going along with whatever the ex wants.

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How old are you all?

Two things jump to mind. Firstly, that you are already married after only being divorced for two years and, secondly, that your new husband has never even been in a long term relationship. Did you both jump in too soon … unprepared. It seems there was a breeding ground for insecurity and jealousy?

That aside, how about all four of you meet up - as parents and step parents of these children. The best way to be co-parents and step parents is to be as amicable with each other as possible. 

As a divorced parent, however, I never met any of ex-husband’s girlfriends. Well, not in the way you mention. At family gatherings our paths crossed and when my ex finally got married, I met his wife - but not through an arrangement. It just organically happened. 

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