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My Best guy friend is giving me SUPER confusing signals... HELP


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I am extremely confused.  I’ve been best friends with my best guy friend for 10 years. We’ve known each other since middle school but didn’t become super close until I moved away to NYC for University. Every fashion week or big event than NYC ever had, he would come visit and he would always write me to hang out. I know everything about him, about his past, about his exes, his strengths his weaknesses.. he’s vented to me hundreds of times.. as I have to him as well about my past, my ex's so he knows A LOT about me too.. but there were many instances when we were younger where there was sexual tension but nothing ever happened, I remember once he was being super flirtacious over texts and even had planned to spend the weekend sleeping over at my apartment and then when he asked me if I was seeing or dating anything I was honest and said there was one person but at that point it wasn't a big deal bc I wasnt official with them & it was just starting at point so I told him there was nothing to worry about and I guess he didn't like that response and like held it against me for months and decided not to stay over anymore, that was years ago but I do feel like in that moment he thought I friend zoned him. 

Fast forward to a couple years I developed a crush on him but I never told him because I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship. I felt/feel very strongly about him and he’s also a very attractive guy so it’s kind of hard not to wonder mentally “what if”. Sometimes he would be in a relationship and I wasn’t or I was in a relationship and he wasn’t, so the timing was just never right and never aligned for us UNTIL NOW. So now we are finally both single & we both aren’t talking to anyone. I am currently visiting his hometown and he had planned a dinner for us at this beautiful french restaurant night last. I dressed to the nines, he paid the bill and for the first time it felt like a legitimate romantic date, we then went back to his place (I even met his mother) and he put on a movie in his movie room and it was the perfect setting for anything romantic whatsoever to happen. But once again he did not pull a move on me AT ALL, I went home basically so disappointed after that night because I really thought something was finally gonna happen between us after so many flirtatious text messages leading up to that night etc. So it really just shattered my soul a little bit because Ive gotten rejected before obviously but it just hits different when you get rejected from a friend you’ve always had a crush on/wondered why the f nothings happened. I have immense respect for our friendship and I want our friendship to last but at the same time I’ve always been curious as to like if he’s ever liked me ever in his entire life because I’ve always been very attracted to him but it’s just confusing

It's MOSTLY confusing because every single guy I’ve ever met or that has even wanted to date me has never wanted to be JUST my friend, like I am so serious when I say that bc of the way I look it's very very RARE for guys to friend-zone me so I’m just confused as to why he does it but then flirts over text and doesn't have the courage to do anything in person about it. Send help I’m confused. Is he afraid of me? Is it because he respects me? But then WHY send me all these flirty messages, it's annoying. I've hinted to him that I've had a crush on recently so he KNOWS but this is bull*** at this point. Am I just wasting my time spending more time with him? He texted me that "It was so good to see you, I'll text you tomorrow!" Because he invited me to meet/hang out with some friends of his tomm night. but idk whats is going on in his mind ughhh, if any of you men can explain to me that'd be great

Edited by electricorchid
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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

How far apart are you? Does he live with his mother? 

far apart in age or distance? In age, he's 28 and a year old than me. In distance, we live in different states (that are not that far apart from eachother, I dont want to say which ones online but about 2.5 hrs via plane). & yes, he recently moved into a brand new home with his mom that they bought together. He has the $$ and flexibility to live on his own.. But no shame, I'm doing the same currently and live at home with my parents.. lots of things financially happened after the pandemic so we've both lived on our own before but are in similiar situations.

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1 minute ago, electricorchid said:

 about 2.5 hrs via plane). he recently moved into a brand new home with his mom that they bought together. 

Ok. He doesn't want to make moves with his mother in the house.

He's also wise to avoid LDRs.

As well as screwing up a friendship, just because you are both not seeing someone at the moment.

Stay friends. Date locally. 

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10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're frustrated. Who paid for dinner? Also why didn't you get affectionate with him instead of waiting? He's your best friend for so many years!

He did. He made the reservation and paid for everything, picked me up.. even took me home super late and offered for me to sleepover If I wanted. Don't understand when you said why didn't I get affectionate with him? Do you mean like why didn't I make the first move? 

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1 minute ago, electricorchid said:

Don't understand when you said why didn't I get affectionate with him? Do you mean like why didn't I make the first move? 

I'm surprised you were confused -yes affectionate means get affectionate -no need to make a move or a first move -you're friends forever.  You're in a date like situation -why does it matter who is first to act in an affectionate way?

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What did you do to show him you were interested? Did you smile lots, play with your hair, lean into him while walking together? Touch his hand? His arm laughing? Make any hints about him trying to sweep you off your feet? Like say if I  didn’t know any better you are trying to woo me lol Or this feels like date…smile* Oh my gosh this place is soooo romantic!  Anything?

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I see this as a couple of issue's.

1) The distance. Different states & over 2 hr plane ride.

2) You've been 'friends' for years.  He may not want to hinder that he's got with you. ( Yes, often crossing that line will affect your friendship - he may not want to risk that).

3)  He may just see you as a 'friend', only.  How things were years ago, is probably long gone, so he just see's you as a friend.  Nothing more ( Yet, sounds like you have held on to this 'past crush' thing with him).

Time & experience changes us.  If he hasn't truly shown an interest in you in that way, and you do truly enjoy his 'friendship', then maybe try & accept as is... and be happy enough.  If you feel you can't, then maybe consider giving some distance for a while, so YOU can work on accepting that he'll not be any more than a friend with you.

As for him 'flirting'. That's a common thing between opposite sex's.  Doesn't often mean anything much. ( Unless it does affect one, then they should back off or speak up that they don't want or need that). But out of respect, sometimes it doesn't need to be.  I do have some guy friends and they hardly 'flirt' in any ways to lead me on to misconceptions.

 

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Sometimes, when it doesnt happen in time, it doesnt happen at all. Life isnt a romantic comedy where 2 persons do "will they/wont they" situations and everything has a happy ending. Usually, in life, when it doesnt happen from some reason you dont get happy ending or even second chances. For example, he maybe expected something to happen before. As it didnt do to you having somebody, he just accepted it as a "friend" situation. Meaning that you will hang around but nothing will going on. And now its very difficult to change that.

Its not impossible. I am a guy, but we are kinda oblivious sometimes to the point we need a big sign saying "She is into you" and pointing at the girl. So maybe a few pointers would change that perspective. That dinner and movie was perfect but you will still hang around so maybe be flirty, touch his hand or something, to see how he reacts. However, I do need to warn you. If he hasnt put on the move while he was home alone(I do hope mother wasnt in the same room with you lol) its highly unlikely it would happen. However I do encourage you to try because its not healthy to hang around somebody who you have feelings for "disguised" as a friend but wanting more. Friendship will never be the same whether you both decide to take that step or that he doesnt want it. But at least you will have your answer and can move on.

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I have a girl best friend… we’ve been friends for 3-4 years. We have insane chemistry when we’re together, We have flirted, went on dates, kissed, basically everything besides sex. 
she recently told me it’s annoying, and asked why I don’t want to take things further with her. I told her because I know I’m playing with fire. 
 

so in my case, I rather keep her as a friend, because in my experience once you cross that line, sometimes you lose friendships. 

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About 20 years ago I had a really good guy friend -and we are still good friends.  When we first met -he doesn't remember -he asked me for a date and I said no -I wasn't into him that way and he is 4 years younger.  We never dated and any flirting was silly/harmless -never hooked up never even close. We each were in relationships for much of the time we were friends and we're each married now. 

One night after probably 5 years of friendship or more - we met for dinner as we normally did and went back to his place which he then shared with a friend of mine.  He asked if I wanted to watch a movie but we'd have had to watch it in his room because his roommate would be coming back, etc.  It was that moment. I knew right then if I said yes I risked a situation that was that gray area -I'd never sat on his bed with him, even been in his room.  We were totally sober but still.  So I said no. 

I'll never know if it was a totally innocent invitation -never mentioned it again (I said -it's late, I'd better get home).  I actually wasn't sure at that point whether we ever would have that sort of chemistry but I decided trying to find out was a bad idea and also the friendship etc.  So I get there are factors.  In the OP's case though if she is feeling it she should tell him or show him.  They're friends for long enough that it shouldn't matter who pulls the trigger so to speak.

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