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I think my boyfriend may of cheated on me and is hiding it, what do i do?


Kamgautier
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When my boyfriend and I got together we both told each other about our past relationships/flings. Anyway, he told me about a girl who he was best friends with and that he really liked her throughout their friendship, told me that he done some things with her. Then when she was pregnant, with her fiancé’s baby, they had sex. They were probably around 16/17 at the time. I shall call her Emily. 

 

Anyway, time goes on and one day we got into this argument. I was supposed to go to his family’s home (where he lives) on the following Saturday night, but during the argument he told me ‘not to bother coming as he’s going to a friends house’ ok, I didn’t bother asking who. Anyway, we had made up by the Saturday and I went round and he told me that Emily had messaged him on Instagram out of the blue, asking him to go round hers for a catch up and that their other (female) friend was going to be there. I asked to see the messages but he told me he had deleted them and not even replied. Ok. I trusted him so I believed him and forgot about it. By the way,  Emily had broken up with her fiancé a few months prior to this. Which somehow by boyfriend knew. Very continent, I must say. 

 

That same week we got into quite a few arguments, mainly because he wouldn’t reply for hours, until around 1/2 in the morning and i would get annoyed. Then he would start accusing me of cheating, having no reason to. And randomly sending me photos of him at home saying ‘I’m at home in case you’re wondering’ even though I never suggested that he was being dishonest of his whereabouts. 

 

Time goes on and he was looking for a post he wanted to show me that he had liked on his Instagram, whilst I was sitting next to him. There were around 5 photos of the same girl. I clicked on one and realised they were all Emilys photos. Now, this is where I start getting suspicious. You see, if there had been a variety of girls photos he had liked, I wouldn’t care as much. But considering he doesn’t like any other girls photos, but for some reason had this thing going where he continuously liked Emilys, I was quite upset and it made me wonder if he really did go round hers for a ‘catch up’.  He then proceeded ti show me messages from her on WhatsApp that he had archived, her messaging asking how he is, him replying and reciprocating the small talk. Then her asking him to go round hers (no mention of this other friend may I add) I told him how I felt and asked why he lied to me. He said he had apparently forgotten that he still had the messages and also said he never said he told me he had just deleted it and didn’t reply (he definitely DID tell me that) he apologised, said he wouldn’t do it again, reassured me that nothing happened and we left it as that. 

 

Anyway, since then it played on my mind. A lot. 

 

One night I was sitting with him and I was thinking about it. I remembered then that he initially told me she messaged him on Instagram, I asked him, out of the blue ‘remind me, how long have you had your current mobile number for?’ He said ‘well, since I got this new phone, so about a year ago, why?’ I then asked him how she got his number which is when he admitted that she Messaged him on Instagram asking for his number, then that’s when she whatsapped him. We got into an argument that night, because why the hell is he drip feeding me the truth? What is he trying to hide? Has he just forgotten his past lies and is getting mixed up in his own web of lies? What the hell is going on?

 

Anyway, he asked me if he wanted me to call her and ask her when they last saw each other. I told him no as that’s just humiliating and plus, I’m sure she wouldn’t have an issue lying for him! Then I grabbed his phone as he kept threatening to do it and accidentally called her. Then he said he would casually message her apologising for the accidental call followed by a message saying ‘long time! When did we last see each other again?’ In a bid to prove to me he didn’t do anything. 

 

Well, the messages never even sent and that was months ago now. So I still feel the same. 

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You didn’t say your ages, but I’m guessing you’re in your early 20s? Everything you’re describing here are indicators that this is not the guy for you. He doesn’t communicate the way you need him to, he doesn’t make you feel secure the way you need him to.

Whether he’s actually cheated or not isn’t really the issue, because it’s just a thought in your head, it isn’t confirmed..the unsettled, insecure feeling that you have is the issue. And its an issue worth taking seriously, because it’s the result of not being treated with respect, and not having your emotional needs met.

It took me about 4 or 5 of those types of relationships before I finally learned that. I let them each drag on far too long because I didn’t have a concrete reason to leave, so the break up ended up being dramatic, emotional, lots of tears and harsh words, etc. If I would have just trusted my intuition telling me “this isn’t it”, I could’ve had relatively peaceful breakups, walked away on good terms, and been free for whatever opportunities life brought me.

Edited by indea08
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24 minutes ago, Kamgautier said:

we had made up by the Saturday and I went round and he told me that Emily had messaged him on Instagram out of the blue, asking him to go round hers for a catch up and that their other (female) friend was going to be there.  Emily had broken up with her fiancé a few months prior to this.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he now? He's playing immature games at your expense.

Trust your instincts. He's way too involved with this "best friend". Furthermore he's picking fights to be with her and trying to gaslight you into thinking your jealous, rather than the truth that they are still way too involved on whatever level ..

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@Wiseman2we were dating for around 7 months when we first met, I was 17 and he was 19. Then we broke up for a little over a year and got back together in 2020 and have been together almost 2 consecutive years now.

it seems so. Those are the only messages I have read between them and every time i have asked him about it I find out more and more or his story changes. Do you think he started those arguments because he was seeing her?

 

thank you for your response 🙂

Edited by Kamgautier
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12 minutes ago, indea08 said:

You didn’t say your ages, but I’m guessing you’re in your early 20s? Everything you’re describing here are indicators that this is not the guy for you. He doesn’t communicate the way you need him to, he doesn’t make you feel secure the way you need him to.

Whether he’s actually cheated or not isn’t really the issue, because it’s just a thought in your head, it isn’t confirmed..the unsettled, insecure feeling that you have is the issue. And its an issue worth taking seriously, because it’s the result of not being treated with respect, and not having your emotional needs met.

It took me about 4 or 5 of those types of relationships before I finally learned that. I let them each drag on far too long because I didn’t have a concrete reason to leave, so the break up ended up being dramatic, emotional, lots of tears and harsh words, etc. If I would have just trusted my intuition telling me “this isn’t it”, I could’ve had relatively peaceful breakups, walked away on good terms, and been free for whatever opportunities life brought me.

Yes, we are both in our early twenties. That’s very true and translates over into other aspects of our relationship. His lack of respect. Sometimes I think, if he can disrespect me to my face then what does he do behind my back?

thank you for the good advice. 

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9 minutes ago, Kamgautier said:

Do you think he started those arguments because he was seeing her?

It's quite possible, yes. The guilty often project, and stage conflict. 

Whatever may have happened with her, it is very clear this relationship is no longer a viable one. I would end it so you can move on and meet a man who doesn't give you any reason to feel uneasy. 

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If there is mistrust in a relationship then it really isn't worth it as it just won't work.  Mistrust over an ex who keeps popping up and you feel they are lying about is even less worth it!  Trust your instincts.

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4 hours ago, Kamgautier said:

We got into an argument that night, because why the hell is he drip feeding me the truth?

Why indeed! Honest people don't do that.

3 hours ago, Kamgautier said:

if he can disrespect me to my face then what does he do behind my back?

Exactly. This is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

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