Jump to content

Bf says his ex is TOTGA (The one that got away)


Guest Anonymous

Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

So I just met this guy from a friend who introduced us with eachother and we immediately hit it off. I enjoy my moments with him and we have pretty much the same ideals.

But just this morning we were talking about his friend who is about to break up with his girlfriend who seems to be the love of his friend's life. And then he proceeded to tell me that basically, his friend's relationship dynamic was same as his ex and if his ex never cheated on him, they would still be together and happy, and that his ex is his "the one that got away".

It made me wonder what this means? Does it mean he's still not over his ex? Cause I get it he was happy with his previous one just like how happy I was with mine. I use to think my ex was my TOTGA too but when I met this guy I'm currently dating with, I totally understood why it would never work out with my ex. I know I'm totally over mine but I'm kind of bothered about what I heard with this guy.

I might also be overthinking. Please let me know your thoughts. 😌

 

Link to comment

If you were thinking along the same lines as him re: your own ex, not sure why him saying it would bother you?

When did they split up?  If not too long ago, not a good thing. Then yeah, he's probably still stuck on her. 

He is no longer involved with her. because she cheated?  I'd never think twice on considering going back to an ex like that... so i'm sure you have no worries about that.

( I'm wondering why his friend is about to break if off with 'the love of his life'?). I guess she's not so much that anymore.. 😕 

 

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 if his ex never cheated on him, they would still be together and happy, and that his ex is his "the one that got away".

You're just friends, so he's confiding in you that he's still hung up on his ex.

Don't date him or anyone still pining over someone.

Why did you edit as "snowpeachdoll"?

Link to comment

Are you dating, bf and gf or just friends? 

EDIT:  Sorry, I've just realised you called him your bf in the title.  How long have you been together?  

Personally, if someone said that to me he would be gone.  At best it's just plain rude (depending on how long you've been together).  At worst, he is putting you in your place.

  • Sad 1
Link to comment

I have a different perspective especially because this is quite early. It sounds like you’ve just only met perhaps days ago.

Depending on how old you are this may or may not be a big deal. I’d treat this as an offhand or casual term for something that didn’t work out. I can think of a couple of people who are “TOTGA” and Praise The Lord. Good riddance. That was a close shave. 

It seems early and this man already grates on your nerves. Either decide to date him and see how things pan out in the coming weeks or move on. There’s no obligation to carry on just because he’s a friend of a friend. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I'd be done.  It doesn't matter if he's over his ex -you don't need to go that far -if he feels comfortable telling you he'd be with her if she hadn't cheated it means that he's not interested in showing you he wants to be in your life romantically.  He does not see you that way at all.  Don't get attached and get your heart broken -he's keeping you at arms length and/or platonic.  You do the same.

Link to comment
5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, if he's going on about the ex, then he's not over her.

Is this the same man?:

 

No this guy is different. I actually really like this one and we’ve been an item for a good 2months.

What happened was we were discussing about his friend’s current dilemma and he just casually blurted out that his friend and his girlfriend pretty much has the same relationship dynamic as with him and his ex back when he was dating his ex. He said he never seen his friend this happy until he met his current girlfriend. And then I made a follow up question about if he means she is her TOTGA, he proceeds to saying well if she didn’t cheat, they might pretty much have ended up together. 
 

We did talked about it last night and he said he may have just worded it badly and apologized if it caused me to overthink. But he really do appreciate me more and would actually like to keep me for good because he’s already too tired of being hurt and disregarded. He reassured me quite enough. But sometimes my thoughts would still wander and become intrusive. It’s still too early to tell but I think I’m gonna still give this thing a chance.

Link to comment
15 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

If you were thinking along the same lines as him re: your own ex, not sure why him saying it would bother you?

When did they split up?  If not too long ago, not a good thing. Then yeah, he's probably still stuck on her. 

He is no longer involved with her. because she cheated?  I'd never think twice on considering going back to an ex like that... so i'm sure you have no worries about that.

( I'm wondering why his friend is about to break if off with 'the love of his life'?). I guess she's not so much that anymore.. 😕 

 

I believe he mentioned it was 5 years ago already when they broke up. I may just have been overthinking but I do feel a little insecure because we have an LDR setup. I just probably don’t want to date someone who isn’t over their ex. I did open up about it yesterday and he seem to  understood where I’m coming from and he apologized for it.

His friend has a diff story but it’s mostly about toxic family issues. I do hope it gets resolved.

 

Thanks btw!

 

 

Link to comment
14 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

You're just friends, so he's confiding in you that he's still hung up on his ex.

Don't date him or anyone still pining over someone.

Why did you edit as "snowpeachdoll"?

I didn’t notice that I ticked the post anonymously tab 😅

we do have this friendship dynamics too and not just all lovey dovey all the time so maybe he forgot he is talking to his girlfriend.

I agree, I wouldn’t want to date someone who is still into their former partner. But so far, he kind of reassured me it wasn’t like that. We’re only been in a relationship for 2 months. I’m hoping all goes well since this is the first time in 6 yrs that I’m dating again.

Link to comment

This would still rub me the wrong way. I feel as if he might be ‘settling’ for you. Your a safe prospect he has. What with his remarks about being with you. 
I personally wouldn't want someone who is just  with me because I’m a nice person who isn’t giving them drama. There has to be more then that. 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, snowpeachdoll said:

But he really do appreciate me more and would actually like to keep me for good because he’s already too tired of being hurt and disregarded.

Please run.  That's his standard?? He wants to "keep you for good" (what are you - a pet?) because he's just worn out from being hurt and abandoned? That sounds extremely negative and once he's done with his pity party and has some self esteem he may not be as into you.  Not because you're not good enough for or worthy of him -because he's telling you he's settling for you because at least you might be faithful to him and not cheat at him.  Be with someone who is with you for you - because he likes you, wants to get to know you as a person, is excited by you, has chemistry and energy for you not because he's jaded and cynical from being "hurt and disregarded."  When he feels better about himself if his ex comes calling and convinces him she won't cheat again he'll end things with you.  One of many examples because he's not into you -he's using you as a placeholder.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
20 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

And then he proceeded to tell me that basically, his friend's relationship dynamic was same as his ex and if his ex never cheated on him, they would still be together and happy, and that his ex is his "the one that got away".

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. That's what you should be saying. And you should be moving on while you're saying it. Sorry to tell you this; I know you like him. But he is bad news.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
9 hours ago, snowpeachdoll said:

 he proceeds to saying well if she didn’t cheat, they might pretty much have ended up together. 

Sadly, he's telling you he's settling for you because he can't have her.

8 weeks talking/dating is a good time to observe red flags 🚩 like this. Bitter about being cheated on Plus still wishing he were with her.

He'll dump you in a nanosecond if he reconnects with her. He's telling you directly that you're just a band-aid for now.

Reflect why you are settling for this and settling for being second best in his twisted mind rather than dating boys who respect and cherish you specifically.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
9 hours ago, snowpeachdoll said:

We have never been together physically

Oh ok. So this is an interaction with a stranger.  For any romantic or dating purposes he is a stranger. A stranger who doesn’t want to meet you and already told you if he did he’d be settling for you.  You have far better uses of your precious free time.  I’d move on. Now. 

Link to comment
9 hours ago, snowpeachdoll said:

We have never been together physically

OK, so this is an online stranger who you aren't in a relationship with or even dating.  And he's certainly not your boyfriend.

Why are you attaching yourself to an online stranger?  It doesn't matter if this person has also chatted online with someone you actually know in person, he's still a stranger. You're getting yourself all upset over someone you've never even met (and typing words or seeing an electronic image or a voice over an electronic device does not count as "meeting").

I would stop the online interactions and focus on meeting nice young men who you can actually see in person.  I mean, don't you at least want a hug?

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...