How I succeeded to make a complete mess in my life

[May]

This is the first time I am writing something like this, I thought about it a lot, but it hurts me very much and I consider it a therapy to write it all, I must let it out.

I really wander where to start, I apologize because I am a mess right now, and first thing I would like to make clear is that I am not looking for comfort, nor judgement. I feel that I have to share my story with someone, maybe a complete stranger will look into it with objective eyes and share honest opinion.

I have been married for 9 years now, and despite some occasional disputes, me and my husband have a good marriage. We are also blessed with one child. I have known my husband since college and we had a long relationship before we decided to get married. So, as you can probably assume, I cannot blame my husband, my life.... Anything or anybody for what happened. And it happened.

I met Albert (let's call him that) at work. He was 6 years older than me, also married, with two children. He was new production manager in our company, actually in a mother company from another country who founded the company I am working for. It all happened a year ago. At the time, few of us had to travel to mother company for a training, and Albert was taking us there. And that is when it happened, I can even remember the exact moment in the car when he actually turned to me and we had our first conversation - it was like a lightning struck me and I knew I was in trouble, completely lost. And I never believed in love at first sight anyway.

Never until that moment I looked on a man in that way, not since I met my husband. I was completely confused and disturbed, but I wanted him so much.

The fact that Albert was very often traveling to our company (it was part of his job) didn't help. I anticipated his every arrival with great excitement and for days I planned what to wear for the days he will be here. It didn't help that I have noticed that he isn't indifferent too, he searched for any reason to be close to me, bringing me coffees, standing very close to me when we were talking, constantly looking at me.... It made me almost mad!

I fought this for 6 months. And then I couldn't anymore. I was constantly thinking about him, I was dreaming about him, I lost 10kg, I wanted just to kiss him once and it will be enough - or so I thought. He started inviting me on a coffee after work when he was in my country, the excuse was wanting to know better about it and see at least a part of it. I couldn't resist, I was that week and I needed him close to me before he leaves again.

After one of that after work meetings, he took my hand while looking me in the eyes.... And we kissed. No, it wasn't just a kiss, it was an explosion! Like all the time of suppressed emotions just bursted, like two people dying of thirst finally found water. I was shaking like a leaf.

From that day, we started our little romance, sneaking out when he is here and constantly texting and talking when he is not. I was so happy, but also I felt so confused when I had to come back to my husband, who didn't suspect anything.

Until one day, just before Christmas, I got a most horrible message from Albert. I didn't hear form him for a two days, which was odd, and than I found out why. He told me he accepted new job in another company, he has two months notice and than he will leave. He will not be traveling to my country anymore. I felt like the world fell apart. By this moment, I already knew that I love him, but I never confessed it to him, and neither did he.

I found strength to talk to him peacefully, congratulated him on a new position and told him it's better not to contact each other anymore, it will be easier to detach. For a few minutes he didn't say anything, and than he agreed, saying that he respects my wish.

I cried for days, locked in my bathroom, staying up all night, lost another 5kg. At a day time, I was burying all my emotions, putting a smile on my face, so that nobody can see what I was going through. Everyone thought I am going through rough period at work. I was dying inside. 

Unfortunately, bad things don't come alone. Situation at work became really tense, and since I was not satisfied with the way my career is going in that company, I decided to resign. I must confess that a small part of me decided to leave the company also for Albert. It was really hard being there, acting professional, while every single thing reminded me on him.

Our no contact period lasted for almost one month. Than he searched me out, the excuse was project we were still working on and had to finish before leaving. Later that day, he texted me and asked to talk to me, even though I told him not to. And again, I wasn't strong enough. I broke, and we started texting and talking again. He said he will find a way to travel to my country once again, at least to see each other once more. And he did.

And I was a complete mess, torn between happiness of seeing him again and devastation it will probably be the last time. I moved mountains to spend a weekend with him, risking my marriage and everything I have just to spend as much time with him as possible. And it was unforgettable. He finally confessed he loves me, and showered me with all the attention and we couldn't keep our hands away from each other. 

On the day we parted I said that nothing is impossible, when there is the will - there will always be a way to see each other, and if he really feels the way he said, we will find a way. He was very sad, he said he couldn't promise anything due to his new job and family, but he doesn't want to lose me. I will always be a wonderful part of his life, he doesn't regret any moment, and he loves me dearly. I succeeded not to cry when we parted, I wasn't completely sure of the truth of his emotions, and why would he say it and than just leave saying he cannot make any promises. I was to proud. Later I completely broke. And it actually happened last weekend. We parted on Valentine's.

He is now gone. He continues to send me a lot of love messages, and when we find an opportunity, we video talk, and he always says that he misses me and loves me. It all confuses me very much. If he said we will probably not see each other again, why would he still maintain contact? During our last video call, I repeated what I said, when there's a will there's always a way, and maybe we can figure out a way to spend a weekend together once in awhile. I also made it clear that the fact that life will maybe bring us back together, maybe in a few years (those were his words), it's a deal breaker for me and he has to let me go, painful it may be.

Now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think it will be best to cut him off completely, and try to reconnect with my husband, but it is hard. You know why? Because in all of this madness, I realized one thing. I completely lost my emotions for my husband, and I am completely in love with Albert. I am ready to do anything just to be able to see him again, at least once in two, two and a half months. But the very fact that I will see him will keep me going. 

I still don't know if I want a divorce, despite Albert. It is all because of my nine years old son, and his very close relationship with his father. I don't want to ruin his life.

I am also a terrible person, selfish even, I don't even feel guilty for doing the things I've done. But I often think that my life would be much more easier if I never met Albert. 

So, that's it, I am still in an emotional loop, not knowing what to do, crying at night. Trying to face the world without new job on sight, and with my hart shattered. Worst part is that I think that for Albert, I was just an entertainment to pass time while in my country. I don't know why, but I have a little voice in my had constantly warning me of him and his said feelings, and that he most probably has other women in all the counties he was traveling for work before. That I am not special at all. 

And most probably I am right.

 

[Batya33]

Here is what I would do -one of two things.  First if your husband does not know and if you want to stay with him do not tell him.  Instead tell him you feel like you two need to reconnect and ask him how he feels about that.  If he feels the same explore options like counseling, spending more time together, starting a shared activity together -dance lessons/yoga/house remodeling whatever.  But that's only if you really want this and you're willing never ever to have contact with the affair dude again.

Of course you're not special in any way that counts to this other guy.  He's married and has a family so it's safe for him to sneak around with you because he never has to commit to you, be your partner, provide for you, care for you, attend family events with you that are borrrrrriiinng.  He gets all the benefits- the thrills of being naughty and sneaking around and sexting  -without any responsibilities.  Married men can't date or commit to anyone else- you know that and he knows that.

Yes you felt feelings but in the context of an affair. Not in the context of real life. You have no idea if you'd have felt that way if he was actually single and available and you were too.

If you don't want to give up your infatuation for this guy then do yourself a favor and set your husband free.  Co-parent with him.  Let him find someone -if he wants- who will truly be loyal to him -who will choose him over temptation even if it's hard (isn't that what you vowed when you married him?).  Still I wouldn't necessarily break his heart by telling him about the affair -simply express that you're not happy.  And find yourself another job as you'll likely have more expenses.

I'm sorry you're crying and upset. So much of your post is I I I "I want this/I need this/I couldn't help myself/I am sad."  But you're a mom.  As you know we can't live our lives that way (even if you were not a mom you'd have responsibilities but it's especially true as a mom).  What if your child said "I was tempted by my friend's candy.  She left it sitting out right near me.  I was hungry.  I love candy.  I wanted candy. I took her candy.  She was upset but I couldn't help myself".  I.   I.  I. Loving is giving.  It's not about "I."  Maybe get out of your head a bit and consider how you are putting your child at risk by your choices.  

Want to feel special? Show yourself that you have solid values.  Act consistently with them.  That's special.  Good luck.

[SooSad33]

30 minutes ago, May said:

to spend a weekend together once in awhile. I also made it clear that the fact that life will maybe bring us back together, maybe in a few years (those were his words), it's a deal breaker for me and he has to let me go, painful it may be.

Now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think it will be best to cut him off completely, and try to reconnect with my husband, but it is hard. You know why? Because in all of this madness, I realized one thing. I completely lost my emotions for my husband, and I am completely in love with Albert. I am ready to do anything just to be able to see him again, at least once in two, two and a half months. But the very fact that I will see him will keep me going. 

I still don't know if I want a divorce, despite Albert. It is all because of my nine years old son, and his very close relationship with his father. I don't want to ruin his life.

The way I see this... is the damage is already done.

I see you splitting up with your husband and your son WILL still have parents who love him. It will not ruin his life, millions of ppl are divorced out there.

You have lost feelings for your husband now, being so overly caught up in your fling with Albert.

So, your emotions got away from you... and you fell for this 'married, travelling man'.  Yeah, not a good spot to be in 😕 .

You maybe right.. he may very well be leading on a few women out there, across the globe.  I knew of a guy like this years ago. ( same thing, travelling for business and would find a hook up, while in this city).

Whether you're okay with an occasional meet with him or not ( every 2-3 mos?).  Is your choice.

But, I hope you will seriously calm down a little and get yourself together... I suggest you look into some therapy for a while to 'work through this even', which has caused you some stress & anxiety.

I get it, stuff happens, we cannot change. So, is maybe best to just get it all out now and turn some focus onto yourself with what has happened this past year. Consider some prof help on accepting it all and moving on.

In the end, worst thing to do is live on lies. You can choose to just admit to hubby the whole thing or keep it all to yourself and accept what's done is done... Move on with your life and work through all of this and start new.

 

 

[redswim30]

Please get a divorce.   It's not fair to your husband to be your contingency plan if your relationship with your boyfriend doesn't work out. I want to point something out to you- not once in this post do you mention your love for your husband.  You mention that you've been together a long time and that he's a good father.  You don't state regret in hurting him or even that you want to try and make things work with him because you love him.  Everything you say about your husband is an extension of something YOU want.  You want your child to have their father, you want a backup plan, you want to have him there while at the same time still hoping to continue to see this other man that you actually love. 

None of this is fair to your husband.  If you have no romantic feelings for him anymore, and you are just hoping for this other man, then you really should divorce your husband and allow him the freedom to find someone that would consider his feelings.  He doesn't need to be married to you to be a good father to your child.  

Be honest with yourself.  You don't really want to re-connect with your husband.  If that's what you really wanted, you would have stopped this affair long ago. Or even be willing to let go of it now, but there's no possibility of reconnecting with your husband while you're in love and harboring feelings for someone else.   You even state that you don't feel remorse.  From what you wrote it sounds like you don't really want him, but you don't want to let go of the security blanket he provides for you. 

Sometimes when we get together with someone too young, we grow co-dependent.  Sometimes people equate this co-dependency with love, when really it's just security we desire in that person.  

IMO, you should get a divorce.  Even if things don't work out with Albert, you aren't in love with your husband and he doesn't deserve this.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, redswim30 said:

MO, you should get a divorce.  Even if things don't work out with Albert, you aren't in love with your husband and he doesn't deserve this.  

I don't think the OP will work things out with Albert as there is nothing to work out -he's a married man who now lives far away.  But given the child if she actually does want to stop all contact with Albert and try to reconnect with her husband that is an option.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, May said:

Situation at work became really tense, and since I was not satisfied with the way my career is going in that company, I decided to resign. I am still in an emotional loop, not knowing what to do, crying at night. Trying to face the world without new job on sight

See a physician  for an evaluation of your mental and physical health. Discuss your anxiety, prolonged sadness and depression. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. 

Perhaps with help you'll uncover why you got into such a dark place and in such a bad situation. The affair was just a band-aid for much deeper issues. Now that your pacifier is gone, your real issues are resurfacing.

 Get a refreshed profile on LinkedIn. Update your resumé. Get a professional looking photo. Upload your contact lists . See who is on there that you know. List your education, experience, jobs, etc. Join professional orgs.

Get off your sofa and do something constructive so you can be financially independent when your husband finds out and divorces you. Stop focusing on this cheater and focus on your son and your health.

[redswim30]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I don't think the OP will work things out with Albert as there is nothing to work out -he's a married man who now lives far away.  But given the child if she actually does want to stop all contact with Albert and try to reconnect with her husband that is an option.

I don't think they will either.    IMO, Based on what she said and the total lack of remorse/ concern for her husband, I don't really see what there is to save here.  ( I might give different advice had she expressed any regret towards her husband for what she has done/continues to do).  She just doesn't love him anymore. 

If she doesn't love her husband anymore,  going thru the motions when her heart isn't in it at all is, I think, harmful to her, her husband and their child. 

[Tanzi]

You are not a terrible person, May .... but, yes, you are being selfish (and I don't mean that in a judgemental way).  You know none of this is fair on your husband.  If you no longer love him, you need to let him go.  

Do you think there is a chance you could fall back in love with your husband if you cut Albert out of your life?  

[Lambert]

You really don't know Albert. It was a stolen season. That's the thing about affairs... its all excitement and romantic.  no dirty socks on the floor, money woes, in laws or the other person's crap to compromise about. 

So you basically threw away your real relationship for an affair. Re-read what you wrote but imagine it's your husband writing about his affair with another woman. You'll see the situation in a different light.

Get tested for STDs.

Don't stay with hubs for the kid. That's a cop out. You stay because you want to work it.  Maybe you're just too afraid to be alone  A single mom, starting over. 

Does hubs suspect anything?

[DancingFool]

Oh boo hoo bs. You have shown zero remorse or consideration... and by that I mean you haven't spared a single thought for your husband, child, family. Nothing, zip, nada. So your entire post is just flowery bs. Poor poor damsel in faux distress lost in a fantasy, love at first sight, couldn't help it - standard trope for every cheater on this planet. Yes, you could help it - you chose not to. Get real.

Assuming you have an ounce of decency left somewhere in there, divorce your husband, tell him he needs to get tested for std's as you are a cheater and exposed him to who knows what, refuse to reconcile, let him have everything including and especially full custody of the child. Walk away with nothing and go pursue your "specialness" with whoever you want. 

[Batya33]

I think it's really important to separate adultery from whether someone is fit to be a parent lest the child be punished/without a parent.  That's also why I would consider whether there's a remote chance she sees the light and is all in on rekindling what she had with her husband and resolving that what she did was horribly wrong and selfish, that it will never happen again and she does the work to make sure it does not.  

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's really important to separate adultery from whether someone is fit to be a parent lest the child be punished/without a parent.  That's also why I would consider whether there's a remote chance she sees the light and is all in on rekindling what she had with her husband and resolving that what she did was horribly wrong and selfish, that it will never happen again and she does the work to make sure it does not.  

She doesn't seem to want to give up her affair with "Albert". She said they could "make it work" ("it" being continuing the illicit affair, I presume).

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything about remorse. In fact I think she said she DIDN'T feel any remorse. 

Not the recipe for a successful marriage, IMO.

[May]

Thank you for your thoughts..... Really, thank you, ALL of you! (Especially you DancingFool, I really respect your brutal honesty, made me look on things from different aspect, I actually laughed - nice thing for change).

I never expected to receive opinions so fast.... And they actually work! Walking me out of my imaginary dark place.

A lot to think about, rereading all of your comments, trying to look at things from the points you all made. You are right, my husband doesn't deserve this. The most important thing to focus on right now is my family, after that my health and career. Albert.... I don't know, those emotions are still very fresh and strong, I am still not ready to let him go, but maybe they will evaporate in time.

No, my husband doesn't suspect anything, because before Albert, I was devoted wife and mother, I don't know what happened.... I despised women like I have become. (Yes, maybe counseling, therapy and even STD test)

Anyway, thanks again

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She doesn't seem to want to give up her affair with "Albert". She said they could "make it work" ("it" being continuing the illicit affair, I presume).

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything about remorse. In fact I think she said she DIDN'T feel any remorse. 

Not the recipe for a successful marriage, IMO.

I agree -my suggestion was completely hypothetical.

[Kwothe28]

Oof

You got taken by passion. You probably missed that in marriage. Albert(why do I imagine uncle from "Only Folls and Horses" lol) gave that to you. Other then that its generally meaningless. You have a family, he has a family. Its an affair that would never work otherwise. Like this it was exciting, if you were both single, probably not so much. We as a humans are flawed beings. OK, it happened. You were bad to your husband and you should at least confess that.

However, you are in a fantasy world. You think all this is meaningfull. How Albert would leave his family for you, how you will leave your hubby etc. Not gona happen. It was an affair, that is about it. What is worst, there is trully no remorse. Neither to your husband, neither to Alberts wife. 

Again, if you want to cheat and/or pursue something else, it is your right to do it. However you should be clear to your husband at least. He at aleast deserves that.

[Tanzi]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -my suggestion was completely hypothetical.

I agree also.  I was asking even though I knew what the answer was going to be.  At this moment in time any working out May wants to do is with Albert and not her husband.

That being said, up until Albert threw her his first glance, OP hadn't even thought about another man so there is a chance that she is just lost in some fantasy.  It's a "forbidden fruit" kinda thing that makes it exciting and because it doesn't go beyond that it stays stuck in that honeymoon period.  If she can get herself out of that fantasy then maybe there is a chance for her and hubby.

Flipping things back again, however, it seems that that making things work with her husband isn't even on her radar.  Alber is, however.   In this case, she has to leave her husband.  Anything else just isn't fair.  She will only be staying with him because it's easier than leaving him.  As has been said, staying for the sake of a child is a complete cop out.  It is better to live in two happy homes (eventually anyway) than to bring them up in a miserable and resentful one.   Don't kid yourself that your emotional state isn't rubbing off on your family.

 

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for the husband. Poor guy sacrificing and working hard to maintain a family whole wife is hooking up with another man without any regret. The poor guy is living a lie and being betrayed by the closest person to him.

The husband needs to be informed.We only have one life and will be accountable in one way or another for how we treat others.
 

The poor husband works hard comes home living a lie. All his dreams of a family wasted through betrayal.

Albert of course cares for his wife and that’s why he didn’t leave her. 

Feelings and emotions are never justification for harming another.

 

 

[smackie9]

Limerence...dopamine hit, that is as addictive as heroin. Makes you willing to cheat, steal and lie...and some cases murder. Nothing matters but the excitement you get and that's a dangerous place to be. 

Get yourself into therapy to sort this out before you make any decisions. As for him, dump him, block, delete, end it. There is no hope with him...he still loves his wife, and will never leave her. Other women? ya it's very possible too. 

You can start making changes today....

[HeartGoesOn]

I'll just say "be careful what you wish for" as this has the potential to backfire and leave you standing alone.

As others have said, either leave or own up to what's happened, while giving your husband the courtesy of making a choice.  At the very least, he deserves that.

[Batya33]

Just now, HeartGoesOn said:

I'll just say "be careful what you wish for" as this has the potential to backfire and leave you standing alone.

As others have said, either leave or own up to what's happened, while giving your husband the courtesy of making a choice.  At the very least, he deserves that.

I think to avoid completely breaking his heart and making him sick she can tell him she's no longer in love with him and she doesn't think she can remain faithful to him.  Short of telling him about the affair, enough so he gets that she's not all in.  I'm conflicted only because he doesn't deserve to be hurt more than necessary.

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think to avoid completely breaking his heart and making him sick she can tell him she's no longer in love with him and she doesn't think she can remain faithful to him.  Short of telling him about the affair, enough so he gets that she's not all in.  I'm conflicted only because he doesn't deserve to be hurt more than necessary.

But since she's been having sex with "Albert" and she has no way of knowing for a fact "Albert" hasn't been intimate with others, what about the possibility of STDs?

It would be awful if her husband suddenly turned up with herpes or HIV or even genital warts.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

But since she's been having sex with "Albert" and she has no way of knowing for a fact "Albert" hasn't been intimate with others, what about the possibility of STDs?

It would be awful if her husband suddenly turned up with herpes or HIV or even genital warts.

Yes -health is a priority.  I really wasn't sure on the specific situation.

[catfeeder]

One thing that might help you to get perspective is to shelve the idea that you can take your husband for granted.

Try to grasp how you would feel if he were to tell you tomorrow that he wants out.

What do you think it would really be like to lose him?

I'd take the time to consider that every single day, and then I'd behave my way back into valuing him and my family.

[LotusBlack]

On 2/18/2022 at 6:08 AM, Batya33 said:

Here is what I would do -one of two things.  First if your husband does not know and if you want to stay with him do not tell him. 

OP, I think this is not the right approach. A partner has every right to know this information because by withholding it from them you are effectively denying them of the right to make an informed decision about something that intimately and significantly impacts their life. You don’t get to do what you did and then make all the decisions on your own about how your marriage moves forward.

If you want to move forward together with your husband in your marriage then you must offer up the truth and hope he is willing to work on it with you. If he doesn’t, then that is the unfortunate consequence of being unfaithful. And if you deny the truth from someone who would have made the choice to leave the marriage if they knew, I think that is the deepest of violations to that person’s right to make their own choices with all the information.

Whatever you decide to do - do it with integrity from this point forward.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

OP, I think this is not the right approach. A partner has every right to know this information because by withholding it from them you are effectively denying them of the right to make an informed decision about something that intimately and significantly impacts their life. You don’t get to do what you did and then make all the decisions on your own about how your marriage moves forward.

She should tell him she is no longer in love with him.  She should tell him she wants to be with other men.  She shouldn't tell him the gory details unless it's for health reasons because why make it even harder. I believe he can make an informed decision if he knows his wife wants to cheat on him, doesn't want to be with him. If he then asks if she's acted on it then she should tell him. If she's put him at any risk of STDs she should tell him. 

I'm trying to save his heart from breaking if there's a way for him to make an informed choice without having to imagine her having intercourse with another man.  She can tell him -if this is somehow true "I want to see if we can restore the connection, I want to go to therapy, I want us to do counseling if you're up for it, I want to show you I can be loyal in my heart".  I doubt this person can say any of this so it's purely hypothetical.