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Well, I think this is my breaking point.


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I don't even think it's advice that I am looking for so much as support and a place to vent. 

I've posted a lot about my ex here since we started talking again in December.  Crazy as it is, I still believe she is the love of my life.  But, I think I am actually starting to fall out of love with her.  And I don't even really mind it most of the time.  Sometimes the idea of not loving her scares me, though.  I will admit it.  We were planning our lives together.  We wanted all the same things.  And she suffered a nervous breakdown in August and disappeared on my for 4 months. 

In December she showed back up in my life.  She wanted to meet face to face and talk.  This meeting still hasn't happened. She says she needs more time before it does.  Ok.  But I'm starting to think it's never going to happen and not care.  

It was about 3 weeks ago she messaged me when I was at work and basically confessed her love.  Oh, she's still loves me.  She always will.  She sees what a huge mistake she made.  Knowing she still has a chance makes her so happy.  I was on cloud 9 thinking all the things I've wanted were actually going to happen.  Then the next day all she wants is to be friends.  Ok... I was let down.  But if that's what she wants I'll respect that.  

I hurt my back at work (pulled left lat muscle) and was pretty much bedridden for two days.  She called me to cheer me up.  Made me laugh for an hour and was being so sweet and awesome.  After getting off the phone we continued texting.  In this text conversation she proceeds to tell me that she gave away the painting I did for her.  I was hurt.  But I really could see her side of it and responded with empathy.  Well out of nowhere she just blows up at me.  I kept asking what she was so mad about.  She kept saying stuff like, "Are you serious?  Read the messages!"  She kept accusing me of being mean to her. 

I didn't talk to her for a couple days after that.  Then she messages out of nowhere.  "Hey I'm really sorry about the other night.  I just took it the wrong way." I said, "Yea no kidding."  Then I asked what she was so pissed off about that I said anyway.  And she said, "I'm done with this crap, bye." and blocked me.  

I got another one of her tax forms in the mail and took it to her at the gas station where she works.  She was super friendly and so glad to see me.  I told her she didn't need to block me.  And she claims she didn't remember any of that conversation. 

She unblocked me and sent me a friend request later that night.  I'm pretty sure she blocked me again just on messanger though.  And now she has it set so I can't even see any of her posts on Facebook.  I liked something she posted earlier today and walked away from the computer for a while to get ready for work.  When I came back it was still on her profile.  But when it refreshed I couldn't see anything other than her name and profile pic, basically.  But we are still friends. 

Ok... I have given this woman a lot more grace than she deserves.  When she contacted me in December most people would have told her to screw off.   I know this probably sounds like something so minor.  But I'm getting so tired of these games.  She loves me, then she doesn't.  We're friends then we're not.  She's pissed at me but then doesn't remember it.  She's mentally unstable.  It's clear she's not getting any help. 

I think she's looking for a reaction, personally.  I think she wants me to call or text her and be like, "Why can't I message you or see your Facebook posts?"  And then she can launch into whatever tirade she has planned and tell me how upset she is with me for who knows what this time.  And she won't tell me exactly what because I should just already know by osmosis.  I think maybe her ego is a little bruised because I think she hoped I would beg her to get back together and constantly lavish attention on her.  And now that I haven't, I think her feelings are hurt.  Well sorry dear.  I won't light myself on fire to keep you warm.  Here's some kindling and a match.  Call me when you get some help and maybe I'll answer.  Maybe not. 

I just think it's time to walk away.  I still love her.  But I can't put myself through this anymore.  And I still wonder how she has all these groupies and people who act like her adoring fans.  If this is how she treats me how does she treat other people now?  I really would love to ask her, "So do all your friends have to walk around on eggshells or just me?"  But I know I won't get an answer. 

I clean a health club by myself at night.  That's my job.  And tonight at work I cried a lot when I was there all by myself.  But it wasn't this crushing grief type of crying.  It was more cathartic crying.  It felt more like just releasing a lot of pent up crap I've been carrying around regarding her.  And I'm crying now as I write this. 

Any comments are welcome.  Like I said, not sure what advice can be given.  But any thoughts, theories, support, etc is welcome and appreciated.  This whole thing has been really hard for me.  Thanks. 

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I'd give no more air or space or time to thinking about what she wants your next move to be. What she wants is irrelevant.  You had a relationship in the past.  You don't have one now.  Trying to resurrect some semblance of interaction as you see leads you down an unhealthy path.  Who cares who's fault it is or who wants what reaction.  It's not about being right or wrong just about making the healthful choice.  I agree with Seraphim.  Good luck.

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21 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I know you want it to work out. And everyone wants love, absolutely. But gaslighting you and yanking your feelings around is not love . Please, for the sake of your own sanity just block her everywhere. 

I thought about it.  I know it would come across as really juvenile and like I'm just playing *** for tat.  But it might be something I have to do just for my own mental health. 

And no... this isn't love.  I get it.  She was beaten on the regular by her dad.  She's a rape survivor, etc.  I know she's been through a lot that can really distort a person's idea of what love is.  But she's had decades to work on this stuff and get help.  I've been dealt an awful hand in life too.  But I don't treat people like this.

I really don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again because of her, honestly.  And on some level I want her to know that.  But I won't bother telling her. 

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20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd give no more air or space or time to thinking about what she wants your next move to be. What she wants is irrelevant.  You had a relationship in the past.  You don't have one now.  Trying to resurrect some semblance of interaction as you see leads you down an unhealthy path.  Who cares who's fault it is or who wants what reaction.  It's not about being right or wrong just about making the healthful choice.  I agree with Seraphim.  Good luck.

I don't care what she wants my next move to be.  I forfeit.  She wins (at least in her eyes she does.)  I refuse to play her stupid game anymore. 

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16 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I don't care what she wants my next move to be.  I forfeit.  She wins (at least in her eyes she does.)  I refuse to play her stupid game anymore. 

You have no idea about her eyes or any of her other organs.  Or how she views the concepts of winning or loss. Once you were not in her life anymore assume you have no relevant information about any of that.  There's no forfeiting and no moves.  There's simply going back to what you did months ago when she ended the relationship.  When she ended it you had no contact.  It's just a simple state of being.  It's not easy to do but as basic as that.

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You have no idea about her eyes or any of her other organs.  Or how she views the concepts of winning or loss. Once you were not in her life anymore assume you have no relevant information about any of that.  There's no forfeiting and no moves.  There's simply going back to what you did months ago when she ended the relationship.  When she ended it you had no contact.  It's just a simple state of being.  It's not easy to do but as basic as that.

I definitely don't plan on contacting her.  I don't even plan on saying goodbye.  I won't give her the chance to reel me back in, because I know she probably can. 

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4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I'm getting so tired of these games.  She loves me, then she doesn't.  We're friends then we're not.  She's pissed at me but then doesn't remember it.  She's mentally unstable.  It's clear she's not getting any help. 

Yeah, you are probably correct. She's messed up and been dragging you down with her.  No one needs that. It sounds like you're finally coming to your senses and acting accordingly.

And no, we cannot be 'friends' with an ex, who we still have 'feelings' for 😕 .It's just too much to accept them as that and see all they are doing with their life as we sit, broken, etc. Less we know the better!

So, she blocked you etc - good.  Now is a good start to work on accepting none of that was good for you anyways.

 

Good on you to get those feelings & thoughts out! Venting does help. I journal a lot, not keep it all inside.

All of this takes time... and you're getting there. Keep  moving ahead.

Get yourself back to good and get on with your life.

 

 

 

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I'm so sorry, Cynder. It's unfortunate that ex has become someone who you can't even trust to be rational for 5 minutes.

Quote

I really would love to ask her, "So do all your friends have to walk around on eggshells or just me?"  But I know I won't get an answer. 

You did raise this in your message to her when you stuck up for yourself.

While it might appear at face value that ex has a fan club, in some (or more) cases it may just be that people find it far easier to appease her than to end up being on the wrong side of her.

You're seeing from others whatever they want HER to believe of them, and you've heard from others whatever they'd want HER to hear said about her. You're also likely seeing some others respond to whatever they may have believed about her prior to what she's become today.

Remember how others misperceived you while they needed to deal with your last ex? Same can be true in this case. As long as people believe that you may influence this ex today or may end up being influential with her again at some point, they're only going to say fabulous stuff in order to stay out of trouble.

It's not likely that you're the only one learning how unpredictably easy it has become to fall into trouble with with this ex.

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Block, delete & repeat for all new contacts from her.....

time to give this story the silent end, disappear, breath, run, eat, work hard, smile, be happy with yourself, embrace life with yourself for sometime!

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7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry, Cynder. It's unfortunate that ex has become someone who you can't even trust to be rational for 5 minutes.

You did raise this in your message to her when you stuck up for yourself.

While it might appear at face value that ex has a fan club, in some (or more) cases it may just be that people find it far easier to appease her than to end up being on the wrong side of her.

You're seeing from others whatever they want HER to believe of them, and you've heard from others whatever they'd want HER to hear said about her. You're also likely seeing some others respond to whatever they may have believed about her prior to what she's become today.

Remember how others misperceived you while they needed to deal with your last ex? Same can be true in this case. As long as people believe that you may influence this ex today or may end up being influential with her again at some point, they're only going to say fabulous stuff in order to stay out of trouble.

It's not likely that you're the only one learning how unpredictably easy it has become to fall into trouble with with this ex.

I did text her that, yea.  But she claims she didn't see any of those messages.  She does delete text messages a lot.  So maybe she didn't.  Or maybe she's lying.  Either could be true.  I would love to look her in the face and ask that question and see how she reacts when she can't hide behind a screen. 

Yea... D, who I dated before her had a fan club too.  But some of those same "fans" were the same people who came to me after we split up to tell me how much they actually don't like him and some of them said exactly what what suggested.  They all would rather just not piss him off because he has a tendency to threaten with lawsuits, etc.  And most people just would rather do some fake asskissing than put up with that. 

Z has a fan club... But she never goes and spends time with these people.  Pretty much every time we went somewhere here in town we ran into someone she knows and they always were so glad to see her.  And she has legions of people who praise her for everything she does on social media.  But obviously those friendships are shallow.  Like I said, she doesn't actually hang out with any of these people.  Most of her free time is spent sitting in her room in pajamas gaming. 

As for the last paragraph of your posts.  Right.  Before me she was in a relationship with a girl named Skye who was a friend of mine.  That's how I met her.  And when we were together she did nothing but say bad things about Skye.  Skye is nasty.  She's so skanky.  She's bad in bed.  Her hygiene is horrible.  She's so clingy and needy.  Well, recently Skye started commenting on a lot of her Facebook posts.  So apparently they are buds again.  Makes me wonder if she's just casting a net out and seeing how many of her exes she can mess with just for fun.  A few weeks ago she's still in love with me and she always will be and all that.  Wonder if she's saying all that same stuff to Skye? 

And a male friend of mine, J.  Him and I are close and we were talking every day for a while.  He even offered to help me pay the doctor bill when I hurt my back because I don't have insurance and he knew I was struggling financially.  He makes a lot of money and said it wouldn't be a problem.  Well, he just stopped talking to me all of a sudden.  He hasn't replied to any of my texts.  He was also critiquing a story I've been working on.  He stopped answering me about that, etc.  I know he is friends with her, too.  Makes me wonder if she's talking crap to him. 

I'm amazed how many grown ass adults behave this way.  I know me sitting here posting about it probably makes me no better, though.  Idk... I don't go around crap talking people just because.  I don't mess with people's emotions for fun.  What does anyone really get out of any of this? 

And yes, most people like this get theirs in time.  But it takes a long time.  I know a few guys who were players back in their 20s and thought they were really something.  But now they are in their 40s, single, lonely and no one trusts them.  I know a few girls who spent a lot of their time being mean girls and thinking they were so cool.  Now they have almost no friends and no one trusts them. 

I've never been a mean girl or a player.  I have friends I've known since Kindergarten who I'm still in contact with.  I have a great tribe around me.  But I'm also an easy target I guess.  I need to figure out why so I can fix it.  If it can even be fixed. 

My near death experience was the thing that broke me wide open.  I came out of that a different person.  And one of the major things her and I bonded over was that we've both had near death experiences.  It's really hard to find other people who can actually relate to that in real life.  And if hers didn't wake her up than I don't think anything ever will.  And now here I am wanting to cry my eyes out again.  She has so much to offer the world.  But she would rather just start drama and sit on her ass playing video games. 

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10 hours ago, Cynder said:

Before me she was in a relationship with a girl named Skye who was a friend of mine.  That's how I met her.  And when we were together she did nothing but say bad things about Skye.  Skye is nasty.  She's so skanky.  She's bad in bed.  Her hygiene is horrible.  She's so clingy and needy.  Well, recently Skye started commenting on a lot of her Facebook posts.  So apparently they are buds again.

How did their relationship end?

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6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

How did their relationship end?

My ex is the one who ended that relationship.  Why it ended changed over time.  At first, when we were just friends and she was confiding in me about the end of it, it was because her and Skye were just too different.  And she said more than once, "I'm not going into details because I don't want to talk bad about her."  But then after we were in a relationship, suddenly it's because Skye was really jealous and needy and clingy all the time.  And she also talked about how Skye had really bad hygiene, didn't take care of herself, etc.  

When she left me, she said the thing about "We are too different" and how she doesn't want to talk bad about me to multiple people.  She made the mistake of talking about me to my own friends that she only knew through me.  A lot of things got reported right back to me even though I didn't ask.  The we are two different thing is funny, since the whole time I was with her one things she always said she loved about me was how much alike we are. 

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7 hours ago, Cynder said:

My ex is the one who ended that relationship.

I figured. It sounds like Z is usually the one who calls the shots. I think it's pretty lousy that she gossiped about Skye and you. Back in the days when I was single and dating, I ran across some guys that badmouthed their exes. Their next angle was usually a comparison between the ex and me, always making me out to be superior for x number of reasons. Yeah, it could be flattering--especially if there was a spark there. But it's a trap. A glittering little hook in murky water. If you accept someone who gossips and badmouths other people, you implicitly accept that they are in a position to judge, that they are the better person. Reading through this forum, I see that many people get caught in the "But he likes me better than her," logic loop. And my question is, Why are you competing with her? What makes him such a great prize? But it's usually useless. They don't realize that they're on the hook.

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17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I figured. It sounds like Z is usually the one who calls the shots. I think it's pretty lousy that she gossiped about Skye and you. Back in the days when I was single and dating, I ran across some guys that badmouthed their exes. Their next angle was usually a comparison between the ex and me, always making me out to be superior for x number of reasons. Yeah, it could be flattering--especially if there was a spark there. But it's a trap. A glittering little hook in murky water. If you accept someone who gossips and badmouths other people, you implicitly accept that they are in a position to judge, that they are the better person. Reading through this forum, I see that many people get caught in the "But he likes me better than her," logic loop. And my question is, Why are you competing with her? What makes him such a great prize? But it's usually useless. They don't realize that they're on the hook.

I've had the comparison to exes too... to both extremes.  I've either been so much better or so much worse than someone else.  And there was a double standard, too, between Z and I.  She could drone on and on about everyone from her past.  But if I said anything about anyone else got irritated.  Even if it was my dead ex husband.  

After we broke up she told a lot of people that I talked crap about her behind her back.  I didn't.  And did she not see the irony?  She was the one doing exactly what she was complaining about. 

She liked a pic I posted on Facebook yesterday.  I think it's kinda funny.  I'm not allowed to see her posts but I don't really give a crap if she sees mine.  I don't have anything to hide. 

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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

She liked a pic I posted on Facebook yesterday.  I think it's kinda funny.  I'm not allowed to see her posts but I don't really give a crap if she sees mine.  I don't have anything to hide. 

Maybe not, but keeping her on your social media is also keeping you stuck on her. 

If you're really trying to walk away, you need to block her too. You will never get past this if you don't. 

She needs to not exist in your world at all anymore. Forever. 

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2 hours ago, Cynder said:

After we broke up she told a lot of people that I talked crap about her behind her back.  I didn't.  And did she not see the irony?  She was the one doing exactly what she was complaining about.

It also calls into question the veracity of her other claims--was Skye actually as terrible as she made her out to be? Maybe not. 

All I know is, I could never say such terrible things about an ex. If I have that amount of contempt for someone, I don't date them in the first place!

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