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Sister moving in to my boyfriend house


Autonomous
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I am a bit confused about the current situation. I and my boyfriend are together for around 3 years. But we do stay in different places (20 minutes walk) He owns a 2 bed flat and I rent to a similar kind of property.  we both are working from Monday to Friday (Work from home). We are dead busy on weekdays and have only gotten weekends to spend together. Either I visited his place or he used to come to mine to spend nice weekends. now his sister who is my age moved into his place to continue her second master's. She is not employed and is completely dependent on his brother. My boyfriend even paid for her uni fees and accommodation too.  She stays in uni for only 3 days ( as per her class schedule )and comes back to his place every weekend and some weekdays too. 

my boyfriend is a very nice guy but extremely carried out by his family, I do love him a lot and respect his family values too. his sister is not a UK resident, she left her job in Dubai and come back to the UK to make her future. Now, what shall I do? When she is around we can't even do video calls or free talks. I asked my boyfriend nicely how do we plan our weekends now? he said nothing to worry about he will find some weekends to manage without her.

Now he is very optimistic about her sister that she is not gonna stay forever, but she has a different mindset. She will get a post-work visa for 2 years after completing her studies in Jan 2023 and going to stay with him and that's what his family also wants.

 

what I am going to do? I chose a place which is more expensive but just wanted to stay near to him, now he is completely occupied with her and expecting me to be happy with whatever is going on without any future thoughts.

I don't wanna be a jealous girl but avoiding everything is also doest seems nicer to me either. Nowadays he comes to my place for a quick hug or wave and left in 5 minutes as his sister can not leave alone to an empty flat. I completely stopped going to his place because it looks different to me.

Is there anything I need to be worried about?

 

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Why can't his sister be left alone? 

I can understand his sister living there and him helping her but if he's cutting things off with you, then you have to think about what is important to you. 

If he's not putting any effort and just expecting you to wait around, that's not good enough for you. 

I would talk to him about what kind of relationship he wants and what you want. 

Edited by Lambert
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Are you saying his sister cant be left alone in his home?  Why not?

He needs to carve out time for you or this is going to end badly.  Boundaries, a plan, a conversation about how to create time together is necessary.  He should not be only seeing you for 5 minutes then going back home.  Have you had a serious talk with him about this?

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I don’t understand why you can’t have time to yourselves just because his sister lives there. 

Obviously, it’s not as private, but surely there are plenty of ways to spend time together without her right there?

If he won’t leave her by herself or expects you to be okay with her being present at all times, personally, I would rethink the relationship potential here. It would tell you something about his priorities and very different boundaries. 

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2 hours ago, Autonomous said:

my boyfriend is a very nice guy but extremely carried out by his family. his sister is not a UK resident, she left her job in Dubai and come back to the UK to make her future. . She will get a post-work visa for 2 years after completing her studies in Jan 2023 and going to stay with him and that's what his family also wants.

 

Nowadays he comes to my place for a quick hug or wave and left in 5 minutes as his sister can not leave alone to an empty flat. I completely stopped going to his place because it looks different to me.

Are you from different cultures? You seem incompatible and he obviously sees no future with you.

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Before the sister showed up what was the relationship plan?  Did you even talk about the future?

In his culture are extended family all living in the same house common?

We need a lot more details before we can see the whole picture.

On the face this isn't looking good for the relationship from your side.  He seems content to cut your time together way back while you want the relationship to grow. 

This may be a short term problem but it looks to me like it is bring up possible long term issues in compatibility.

 Lost

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It's not your business which family members he invites to live with him. It is your business if when you are over at his home you feel uncomfortable. It is your business if he can't see you alone because he has to babysit his sister for some reason. Tell him you have no say at all who he has live with him from his family (or a platonic friend).  It's his home.  But going forward you want to know when he thinks he will have time alone to spend with you and if not should you be making other weekend plans?

Also if you live a 20 minute walk why can't you see each other during the week?  Can't you meet for a quick dinner or do work from home at one of your homes?

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I'm curious too as to why she can't be left alone.. she's a Uni student.

Change isnt always easy.. but I feel, IF he cares enough, he will find time with you.

Yes, the way you two communicate now will not be as private, but it still can be. Actual phone calls etc.

If he won't go to your place, can you not go to his?  You know it's normal for household to have more than one occupant. My place has been that way for 20 yrs 🙂 . I still have friends and I have dated that way.

I think it's time to write your concerns down and see how this goes.  See if YOU are able to accept these changes. And yes, as mentioned, is non of your business what goes on within his family. ( his support for her).

 

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4 hours ago, Autonomous said:

I am a bit confused about the current situation. I and my boyfriend are together for around 3 years. But we do stay in different places (20 minutes walk) He owns a 2 bed flat and I rent to a similar kind of property.  we both are working from Monday to Friday (Work from home). We are dead busy on weekdays and have only gotten weekends to spend together. Either I visited his place or he used to come to mine to spend nice weekends. now his sister who is my age moved into his place to continue her second master's. She is not employed and is completely dependent on his brother. My boyfriend even paid for her uni fees and accommodation too.  She stays in uni for only 3 days ( as per her class schedule )and comes back to his place every weekend and some weekdays too. 

my boyfriend is a very nice guy but extremely carried out by his family, I do love him a lot and respect his family values too. his sister is not a UK resident, she left her job in Dubai and come back to the UK to make her future. Now, what shall I do? When she is around we can't even do video calls or free talks. I asked my boyfriend nicely how do we plan our weekends now? he said nothing to worry about he will find some weekends to manage without her.

Now he is very optimistic about her sister that she is not gonna stay forever, but she has a different mindset. She will get a post-work visa for 2 years after completing her studies in Jan 2023 and going to stay with him and that's what his family also wants.

 

what I am going to do? I chose a place which is more expensive but just wanted to stay near to him, now he is completely occupied with her and expecting me to be happy with whatever is going on without any future thoughts.

I don't wanna be a jealous girl but avoiding everything is also doest seems nicer to me either. Nowadays he comes to my place for a quick hug or wave and left in 5 minutes as his sister can not leave alone to an empty flat. I completely stopped going to his place because it looks different to me.

Is there anything I need to be worried about?

 

Are there cultural differences or are you both from the same backgrounds? It doesn’t sound like he has any interest in deepening this relationship commitment-wise for a long time. He may be preoccupied with work and his sister or family matters. His family may have other ideas about who he dates or marries also.

Is marriage or engagement what you’re after? 

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So basically, she will be staying with him for another 3 years, and you and him will be six years together with no progression as in moving in together or marriage? Or you will live together but there will be two queens in the hive, which never works.

Speaking for myself, I don't like total immersion in family such as in these circumstances. You should always look at the present--how the dynamic is now, and not expect any differently for the future. Because his helping her in numerous ways, financially and otherwise, might never end.

He doesn't seem to mind that you're upset with the changes. Speak up for yourself, and see what happens. If your needs aren't being met, perhaps you should see this as a sign you two need to go your separate ways.

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11 minutes ago, Autonomous said:

Oh yes. 

 

Are you two from different cultures? 

He and his sister are acting and living as spouses or overly close-knit family. 

There's no future here. He's pushed you away like a third wheel. You're definitely an outsider, especially in this family.

He may have had fun with you for a while but in a collectivist culture like this, his family calls the shots. Including who they approve of him marrying.

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Why can she not be on her own?  I think the answer here is key.

It shouldn't matter who he lives with or apartment shares with, there's always a way to spend time with someone you want to ... or is he just never going to go out/have a social life again?

I really don't understand why she can't be on her own.

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