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Lack of trust due to vaping


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Hi! I have been with my husband for 4 years and recently I found out he is vaping. He used to vape when we first started dating, but quit soon after. I am not a big fan of smoking/vaping, but I would be ok with it if he was honest about it. He keeps lying about it and I keep finding vape parts all around the house. 

This is turning into an issue for me, because I am concerned about the lack of trust. I tried talking to him about it. He quit briefly a couple of months ago, only for me to find vape parts last week again. Now he insists he isn't vaping, but these are all vape parts (false, since I checked these places before and they were not there). I tried helping him last time to quit, after he requested my help. But now he is lying again.

Help!

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Sadly you are in policing and detective mode. You are not ok with the vaping. So don't say you would be "if he were just honest about it".

Pick your battles. You knowingly dated, had a relationship with and married someone who vapes and now want him to change.

His secrecy is not good but you're policing isn't either.

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I agree,, is like dating a smoker or an alcy.  These kinds of 'addictions' are extremely hard to just stop.

Expect the fall backs. Expect this kind of battle.

He's most likely trying to hide it from you because he knows how you'll react.

This is his battle, so is best to just leave this alone for him to deal with - not go on about him 'lying' and this being a 'trust issue'.

Do you trust him otherwise?  Then, you either settle down about this being a trust issue, or consider ending it all IF you feel you don't like being around people like this ... because hounding someone or assuming stuff due to 'trust', will cause problems.

 

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You're not really being a detective if you're finding vape parts in your own house, assuming you're not having to rummage through drawers etc, so he doesn't seem too bothered about keeping his habit secret. 

You know he's lying, but you claim you'd be OK with him vaping if he was up front about it.  If this is the case, why not just tell him this and say you're happy for him to vape openly in front of you?  Personally I'd hate it, but you made the choice to initially date a vaper so it doesn't seem to be a deal breaker for you.

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I agree with the others, don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

I used to feel against it, I’m a nurse and I know the detriment it can cause to your health. However, I’ve grown to learn that adults are going to do what they want to do, and if you want to have positive relationships with others, you just have to accept that. If I were you, whether you find vape parts or not, I just wouldn’t bring it up at all anymore unless you’re going to say “hey that smells great, can I taste it?” which will change the dynamic of your discussions on this topic in a good way.

Remember, there are far worse things he could be doing, and many obstacles ahead you’ll have to face together. Let this one go.

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Been there, done that. Didn’t want the tshirt. Be honest with yourself about the relationship and cut your losses if he’s not the one for you. 

Unfortunately the lies are the tip of the iceberg. He doesn’t trust you either to have to lie. The relationship is on quicksand.

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I smoked for over 16 years, and quit in one week when I got prego.  What I have learned is that no amount of threats, belittling, money, or arguing gets a smoker to quit.  Instead I would ask them how long he plans to, why he picked it up again, and have him figure out why it's important to quit and set a date or goal to wean down.  It's important to have a reason to quit, and if he doesn't have one, he won't.  And nope, health will never be one of them...could be it's dangerous around kids.  Chances of getting long covid and recovery rates are super long for vapers.  Money.  Whatever it is, he needs to figure out the why.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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Definitely has to be a motivation that speaks to him.

My coworker's daughter really needed to have some medical diagnostic tests done. My coworker said she and her husband couldn't afford the copay for the tests, which would have been about $400. But a couple of days later she told me they spent $300 each month on cigarettes. Well, if they stopped smoking or even cut back they could have had the money for their daughter's tests in a couple of months. Nope, they just couldn't possibly do without their cigarettes. So the poor daughter was put on birth control pills at age 9 because her parents valued smoking more than her health. Unbelievable.

So yeah, anything that might motivate you may not work with him. If he wants to vape and wants to hide it from you it will be very difficult to "get" him to stop or to be honest about it.

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Although he asked for your help, I suspect he was quitting more for you than himself.  Therefore ... and I mean this in the nicest way possible ... I believe the fact that he needs to lie to you about it says more about YOU than it does HIM.  By that I mean your reaction to finding out that he is vaping again bothers him more than lying to you does.

Edited by Blue68
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