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It’s too early to be this hard *howls into the void*


1a1a
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What happened was you both prolonged the inevitable.  Nothing had changed as far as you two being incompatible and yet you prolonged all this talk and back and forth -and this is typical when things are prolonged and forced like this.  It wasn't a bad relationship conversation -it was a bad conversation about a relationship that was already over.  Breathe, try to just do distracting things so that when you're calmer you can sort of absorb this onslaught better.

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Grief is back.

But without the devastation of feeling like I lost someone who would seriously work with me to keep the relationship strong. Last night was not working with. Last night was a screaming alert saying do not have a kid with this person he won’t be able to face hard times with you!!!!

Still sad. And feel bad that he changed up his whole life to enable us to happen. (Except for that one part of his plan that is unchangeable and yet inexplicably was never brought up as a discussion before he arrived here even though you’d think that’s an important thing to get on the same page about before buying the plane ticket or quitting the job you love…)

 

*deflates*

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I went to pick my cds up today, unannounced. He invited me in for lunch. How have you been feeling. Really really sad. You? I too have not been feeling great. I took a day off work yesterday. I went to work out and instead sat in the car park for one and a half hours eating three serves of  Mexican food. 
 

I told him that conversation was the thing that made me think we were done because we couldn’t communicate with each other and that’s key. He apologised for calling me dumb. He said he’d been triggered when I said I didn’t trust him. And I’ve been back down the rabbit hole of attachment trauma (The description of anxiously attached individual fits me depressingly well). Found a really good video that said when one person leaves you, you experience the original trauma that left you anxious and every trauma since. The pain is unbearable and you want to reconnect and make it right, write that letter, send that text, fix this! I could feel him leaving in that phone call and I was triggered too. Two triggered people aren’t going to have great conversations.

 

I found out that it’s not that he wants to have a kid in 12 months. He wants to have one now, 12 months is the outer limit of how long he could wait. Just like two years feels like the outer limit of how soon I can take that plunge. It no longer feels like an arbitrary road block, I understand him better now. I still wish and hope that he’ll rethink 12 months. Like I rethought some time vaguely in the future. But I don’t expect him to and won’t ask him too, just wishful. If he’s really smart he will already be walking away. (I don’t think he’s quite that smart though, he knows we’re at this impasse better than I yet he still invited me in for a meal, we’re just prolonging the pain if he can’t shift. )

 

We parted with a long hug and a short kiss on the lips and ohhhhhh it was bitter sweet. 
 

But I can see the difference  between being aware I have attachment trauma and when the world falls out from under my feet when someone says they need a break, that feeling is part of a trauma response, and when I wasn’t aware. I left his place feeling quite sad. But not afraid or inconsolable. Because if I love him I have to love him enough to make choices that will bring him the things he wants in life. 

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2 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Because if I love him I have to love him enough to make choices that will bring him the things he wants in life.

I wish I could say something that would make you stop orbiting this person like he is the sun. 

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3 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Two triggered people aren’t going to have great conversations.

That's nothing new under the sun, right?  Think about two 4 year olds playing in a sandbox -one had sand in his mouth earlier that day and it was gross so if it happens again he is "triggered" and reacts and the other person is triggered because someone took her favorite sand toy earlier in play.  Obviously those two kids likely won't play nicely together in the sandbox whether you call it triggered or whatever.  It's obvious.  Timing matters, past experiences matter.

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It's hard to follow but what I gathered from reading your posts and replies is why are you beating yourself up over someone so unreasonable???

He was never completely honest with you. I'm also thinking he is still not honest with you. Hell, I don't think he's honest with himself.

I met my husband online and we were long distance for half a yr. The whole time he was living in a car and working so he can move to my city and close the gap. When he got here, we spent every day together, and IF he had ever said to me (while finally in my town) "I'm too busy to hang out with you but I want you to hurry up and have my baby. Also you smell." - oh hell no.

What I am saying is, this guy says one thing and does another. He likes you enough to maintain some feeling of connection/companionship but I really don't think he is in to you. I think he is making excuses of wanting a baby right now to lose you.

If a person truly is in to you or loves you, they would know this is unreasonable request for someone you just met to have your baby and then get upset that they don't understand you. Uh I'm sorry, but you're too busy to hang out but you want a baby with me in order to keep you around?

Don't let this guy play you. 

 

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4 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

If a person truly is in to you or loves you, they would know this is unreasonable request for someone you just met to have your baby and then get upset that they don't understand you. Uh I'm sorry, but you're too busy to hang out but you want a baby with me in order to keep you around?

Don't let this guy play you. 

Sounds like they have different perspectives on how long they were together before he told her his one year timeline and she wrote above she wasn't that into him in person when she was kissing him so that likely led to him sort of laying down the law -two people who are bumbling along and making mistakes but given all the muddiness, overthinking, issues between them I don't see it as set in stone as you do.  I do think these interactions after they discovered this is not the right match is making it much worse and bringing out even more angst in both of them and stubbornness, etc.

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Yes maybe that's where all the confusion is, just a misunderstanding of how long this relationship actually was. 

However you never know someone until you truly have met them in person (this comes from someone who met her husband online). So I still believe his request is unreasonable asking someone to have a baby within a year, but too busy to hang out. 

Also, 1a1a, why did you go to his place unannounced to grab your cds? Are you both lax about making visits unannounced? 

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I immensely appreciate the amount of reality check I just came back to. 
 

Arrived unannounced in order to avoid the anxiety of waiting for a ‘yes you can reply’ I guess I could also have called. But yeah, a bit of bad faith that it would be hard to get through to him. 
 

One thing is for certain, I won’t jump into motherhood before I’m comfortable with that. I want it. Not in this context. A friend shared his and his partners current plans (a they’ve been together many years, they met younger, less time pressure). buy a house together first. Then marriage and baby but not fussed which order. 
 

If my guy is seriously serious about this with an Australian woman, he should at least have a permanent residency acquired or be in the process of applying for it. Best faith he’s so happy go lucky he just thinks it will all work out. Worst faith like some of you have said it’s an dramatic thing to drive me away but he is the one reaching back out now. And I’ll leave it at that. That feeling that I had Wednesday that I’d chased off someone really reasonable, evaporated on Monday. And although we are still in touch and maybe in a situationship (no physical intimacy though), it feels lower stakes. 
 

If he set me on fire last Wednesday when he said we want different things and I’ve been running around in flaming agony since then, this entire thread has been like cold running water and I am really, really grateful. Thank you 

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3 hours ago, 1a1a said:

A friend shared his and his partners current plans (a they’ve been together many years, they met younger, less time pressure). buy a house together first. Then marriage and baby but not fussed which order. 

That's their way of doing things and there are many many different ways but if their way resonates with you find someone who it also resonates with.  I would have ended things with my husband when we reconnected if he wanted that sort of timeline (only because of my age/bio clock plus I'd never buy a house with someone I wasn't married to). 

But yes it's helpful -if you can keep an emotional distance- to hear other people's thoughts and views on parenthood and timing.  In part it helped me decide not to be a single mother by choice very quickly -I'd given myself a year to decide and it only took me a month or two as I spoke to others about their experiences.  

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Against all common wisdom and better judgement I’m still in contact with him. I invited him for a walk, the same day as the cd pick up. I was driving to his suburb anyway and it seemed strange to go and not see him and if I’ve learned anything about him over the last week it’s that his actions don’t exactly back up the claim that he doesn’t want to do this (maybe this is just the hang over of emotional attachment for him but the thing that breaks us remains). 
 

He didn’t come walking because he was too tired but he offered brunch the next day. It was all in all really enjoyable. That’s the kind of dates I would have liked to go on with him BEFORE bringing serious life stuff into the picture (except for the when baby question he should have asked that the day he realised it wanted it to be now!) I left thinking ‘alright, I think I can do this for maybe one or two months and if it hasn’t moved from situationship to reconciliation or friendship by then I’ll drop it’.

 

The next day I saw a cool show and invited him to it. (What is this, 1a1a doing all the leg work?! This is very very familiar and not in a I’ve learnt my lesson kind of way. No more invitations after this one unless he gives me reciprocity). 
 

I got no reply until this afternoon (this is pretty normal for him even when we were together) but in the silence I started thinking this thought, every one I’ve spoken to who is thinking about having kids or has had them, they got to spend time together as a couple first, more than 2 months. Why doesn’t he want that for us? I thought of all the things I dreamed of doing with him when he came back. Why doesn’t he want to do any of that? It’s not fair. Why do we have to skip this stage of the relationship and go straight to parenthood?! So I guess since I’ve been left time to think, two things have become clear to me. I want to have kids in the future. And I’m going to feel cheated of the getting to know you part of the relationship if I do it on his timeline. I want that experience to be a progression on from a steady, established, long relationship. *sigh* and if he really doesn’t want that, then I am stringing him along. 
 

The thought has continued to eat at me tonight (work is not distracting enough). It’s like feeling it end all over again. This is why staying in touch bumps the scab and prevents the wound from healing. 
 

Then I think, only a man who wants for no thing can stand in the middle of the forest and be happy. If I!!!!! Let go of the relationship, I can enjoy his friendship, without bumping the scab. But what does he want? Believe people when they tell you things. He told me he doesn’t want this. (Even though he keeps not acting like that). Believe him! (Except he set the precedent way back in the beginning when I asked to be friends instead of dating and he agreed and continued to spend time with me and give me flowers every time we met. So I would know how he felt still. But despite how he felt he was happy to be friends. How did he manage that? Why can’t I? There was so much I wanted to do with him. )

 

We meet tomorrow to see the show. Maybe at the end I’ll ask him how long he would have kept bringing flowers. And also, why he’s still seeing  me when he doesn’t stay friends with exes. Maybe I’ll ask one more time what’s in his heart. Maybe just leave it. I don’t know. 
 

Being dumped by someone who still has feelings for you is so hard!

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Left to my own thoughts longer, I feel hurt that he wants to be a dad more than he wants to have a relationship with me that actually gets to grow organically. (Especially because this has come out of nowhere). 
 

Then I think about our terrible phone conversation and how he said he ‘doesn’t hear people when their voices go high pitched’ (you know because they’re too emotionally distressed to bother trying to deal with right now). That doesn’t bode well. *imagines him and I and a grumpy baby and no one has had any sleep and he won’t work with me to resolve something because my voice is raised* that doesn’t seem kind. That doesn’t seem like the kind of person who could be kind to me in a crisis. 

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You seem to be continuing to ask to see him in the hopes he'll change his mind. He seems to be agreeing to see you in the hopes you'll change your mind.

Why drag this out? Yes, you'll feel pain for a while. But keeping yourself attached to him and continuing to see him will make it much more painful when you two eventually realize neither of you will change your minds. 

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We caught up last night to see a couple of shows and it was kind of magical. The chemistry was for sure still there. I wanted to touch him but I didn't. After a while he did though, put his arm around me to guide me in a direction. Between show one and show two we both rode on a scooter between the venues, that's a lot lot physically closer than I thought we'd be getting that night. (And I later found out that although he loved the experience and the memory and didn't say anything because he didn't want to ruin it he did struggle with the smell of my scalp).

After the shows we had a loooooooong talk, and he had come around. On the kids timeline. To two years, first year travel then live together then surely we will know. He'd been speaking to his friends and one of them said that it wasn't two years specifically for me but the level of relationship strength and trust that one might expect to have established by then. And I'd said this in my own way too. That I want to start a family with someone I'm serious about and have been with for a while and we know each other inside and out. And I don't think you can learn all that in 12 months.

The other big thing that has caused him hesitation is feeling like he can't voice any problem without me getting defensive and thinking he wants to end it. Him being a person with a very sensitive nose and finding that I often smell like sweat, he'd like to be able to bring it up and that lead to me resolving that rather than saying I can't do the things that would fix it. (He thinks I need to start shaving my underarms because the hair traps smell. Let me up my soap use first please, the feeling that I don't ever want to shave again is very strong in me.) And we Got there, kind of, I'm going to try and react differently to constructive criticism (the kind of is because I've had no opportunity to put it into practice yet and I have to keep it in my mind to act on it). He's allowing some uncertainty into his life resuming dating me when he's a person who highly values stability.

And then it was a green light, ok, we'll date, your way, then travel around Australia and live together, then start a family in 2 years. And I balked. Because really two years still feels early to me and I should have said 3 from the start but I was desperately trying to meet him closer to where he is. I'm back at the fork in the road. Two really dramatically different life trajectories. One, adventures, see the world, have those experiences I Know I'm going to get to the other side of them and go "home city is the best place in the world and I can happily spend the rest of my life there". And normally I think when people have this itch there's a bit of wanting to be single so you can intimately get to know the locals and be alone so you can go where ever you want but I don't feel either of those, I just feel like I can't spend my whole life in my home city without ever living anywhere else, this is a big big big world and I'll have experienced no more than a tiny pocket of it. And you can do this now, or you can do this the other side of our relationship if it doesn't work out. But you absolutely can't do it once you have a kid! Never like that, not on a shoe string. Sure I can still travel, with the youngling in tow, we'd have a great adventure but it would be a more expensive operation and a completely different experience.

The other fork, I have a serious chance at a loving, long term, committed relationship and starting a family with someone who seems to willing and capable of going away and thinking about the conflicts we have and coming back with ideas and hope to resolve them. I think that might be very important in a partner. I don't think he's the only man in the world who will do that with me. But he is the one I'm entangled with now, the one that maintained and grew a connection with me for 1 and a half years long distance and then closed the geographical gap the moment he was able to. And I can't feel it now, and I feel like the door closing on this will be all sneaky shades of grey, but like having the kid Absolutely slams the door shut on ever having that working holiday experience, taking the working holiday now, closes the door on a Relationship with this guy and it might close the door on being a mum too.

I woke up this morning feeling that feeling that you feel when something is over. And knowing it was me that made it over. With the change of one priority I could join him in meeting in the middle and make this work and go on a different kind of adventure that I also want to have. I've seen Into the Wild. I know that it's not the places you go but the people you go there with that make for a happy and fulfilling life. Why do I still feel like I need to have this living out of home city experience even at the cost of love? How Firmly I wish I'd done this 7 years ago when my last relationship ended (although I was so miserable then I don't know, I might have just stayed miserable the whole time, but in the aftermath of heart break is the right time to do the thing. And if I needed to get this done, why was I even on the dating apps looking for a partner to settle down with?!)

I don't know how to navigate this. But we have left is as friends (because for him, if we spent another two years being partners and then it had to end, he doesn't think he could bare the pain of coming apart), that are still going to see each other for brunches and hikes. Because if we don't work out I don't think he'll stay in my city for a long time and I want to make the most of him being here. And I think because the thought of less of that makes it impossible to let go of him (literally, we were standing by my car in an embrace and it was really hard to let go because it might be the last time). And he gets incredibly busy with his new job now. So, head down, he's going to bury himself in work. And I need to find clarity, the clarity I thought I had, but in the last 10 days of intense insecurity (me thinking it had ended and hoping to get him back and making changes to try and help that happen but I see now the changes I'm making are low hanging fruit and there is a more crucial change that needs to happen, if it can happen, which is so much harder to get at, aka, am I willing to let go of the travel experience, or go now and get it out of the way, how do I get myself to a point where I'm ready to settle?!!!), the conviction I had about skipping travel faded with every bit of doubt I had about us coming back together (and this is all in me. Perfect example, he'll take 24 hours to reply to a message and I'll think it's fading, this isn't going to work out, even though, every single time, he does reply, and the reply is long, and invested, and full of suggestions of things we can do/invitations to do those things).

I don't know how to achieve this clarity, but I think it's not enough to make the list of things I want to do, I have to actually plan for doing them and then execute that plan. So I'm going to do that and give him space and never bring up the subject of us dating ever again unless it's to say, I've reached a state of clarity and I want to do this (invitation to travel with me/settle down with me if that's what I realise).

You were right, we don't want the same things (close but painfully misaligned timelines), I did draw out the inevitable pain by not letting him walk. I've never had a relationship end for some reason other than one of us not feeling it anymore. This is so much harder! (And still, not necessarily over, but I absolutely can't give him what he needs even after he's shaved that need down to a much more manageable size *hangs head* so it Is over as long as that remains the case.)

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Well, I can't really tell what the status of the relationship is, or what your plans are. You do have a way of being vague and unclear with specifics. I think that's purposeful--albeit subconscious. Despite the vagueness, one thing that continues to stand out to me is that he seems terribly insulting and condescending towards you and it doesn't seem to bother you at all. I wonder if you even notice. I remember in Hot Fuzz, one of Danny's coworkers (off screen) threw a garbage can at his head and it bounced off and barely phased him. That's how this situation appears to me from where I am. Why are you subjecting yourself to this?

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No navigation needed. No entanglement needed.  There's no healthful relationship here and I don't personally see any potential for one from all you've written and rewritten.  You're making unhealthy choices by continuing to interact with him then permitting yourself to indulge in psychobabble and hyperbole and doubletalk mostly with yourself.  Telling yourself that someone who doesn't want to be with you (or, badly enough, same thing) wants to be a dad more than he wants to be with you makes no sense at all.  As much as I was over the moon about my husband when we were dating if he'd pulled the plug or wanted to delay baby making after we discussed our timeline I'd have been gone.  Both because I wanted a family and because I'd have felt betrayed.  And known we were on different paths. 

My friend's husband did that to her -after the marriage (before he'd said he definitely wanted a family ASAP- they were in their early 40s when the married) -and she'd frozen her eggs a year before she met him.  I believe they're still married and she is now close to 50.  It was heart wrenching for her to decide what to do (she stayed with him and I believe is still with him now).

You're in no position right now to promise anyone you'll try for a baby within any time frame other than some illusory one like "ok maybe 10-15 years from now".  (As far as him tuning out high pitched sounds I can relate to him -I don't do that as a rule but I get it - but from all I know parents react to their babies' cries whether high pitched or wailing or otherwise almost instinctively - they don't tune them out -opposite -they learn what each cry means if  they possibly can, although I wasn't so great at that!).  

I do think you need to take a good look at your personal hygiene and what the deeper reasons are (unless he's just hypersensitive to certain normal body odors).  If your scalp has an odor it could be a bacterial infection -I am no doctor but I had one of those in my scalp -got it from my son who had it on his skin - he needed oral antibiotics and I needed topical.  I don't remember a bad odor but the TMI- stuff it produced likely had one. 

Obviously there is a range of hygiene standards that are normal but yes odors get trapped in underarm hair and if you're already not showering enough that makes it worse. Maybe it's part of you keeping people at a distance?  And if you want to get pregnant at some point in the future it's really important to keep clean, especially private parts because once you're pregnant you're more prone to infection and I believe UTIs.  

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Posted (edited)

*grins at the Hot Fuzz reference* I think, it doesn’t feel insulting in the moment and maybe that has something to do with tone. I suppose it could be a neg though. Even couched in a ‘this isn’t a deal breaker for me but’.

*sighs* if it seems vague to you it probably is. Really the only person who can give me clarity is me but I don’t know how to get there. Apt with the psychologist is in the process of being obtained (with low expectations because I’ve yet to find them particularly helpful but let’s try all the same.)


Batya, how do you differentiate between the kind of plan making you’re meant to do in a serious relationship and not promising something you won’t be able to deliver on? I feel like, part of showing up for your partner, if I choose this man to be mine, is following through on the plan once we make it. Which we did, and it’s damning that I hesitated when it was green lit. 
 

And what parts stand out as unhealthy? Because I experience something like the other night and come away impressed, thinking that we do ok at talking through serious conflict. And also that he’s really trying to accomodate me (maybe that’s the unhealthy part?)

I think it could be both, he’s extra sensitive and I’m extra lax (I shower every day but I kinda slacked off with soap in 2020 and clearly need to get back in the habit). I asked a friend to sniff my head and she said it had a smell but it wasn’t particularly strong or unpleasant, maybe like a hair smell. Assuming best faith, let’s say this guy just has a very sensitive nose and that’s part of the price of admission with him. 

 

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I can't speak for Batya, but I would say the unhealthy part is continuing to try to force a relationship that is clearly not meant to be. Especially when it's someone who you haven't spent more than a few weeks with in person.

Is it your plan to date each other for a year or so and then revisit? It was hard for me to figure out what you two decided on.

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9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I asked a friend to sniff my head and she said it had a smell but it wasn’t particularly strong or unpleasant, maybe like a hair smell. Assuming best faith, let’s say this guy just has a very sensitive nose and that’s part of the price of admission with him.

Listen to your friend. Everyone's scalp has a smell. We have naturally occurring oils in our hair. We have pheromones. We are supposed to have a smell. Unless you are sick in some way (fungus, bacteria), it's normal to have a smell and you're not supposed to scrub it off and erase yourself out of existence.

I think that's what I find so disturbing about this whole thing. It's like you don't exist. He's awesome, and you're terrible. You can only provide examples of how he cuts you down, but somehow that just proves that he's right and you're wrong. He can change his mind on a dime about anything with impunity. You're response is to beat yourself up about not being a psychic and predicting it, and then to convince yourself that what he wants is what you want. He says "jump," you say "how high?" You don't seem to put a shred of thought into what your doing except to grasp at what you need to do to make him want you.

Where do you fall in all of this? Who are you? Even the passive and vague way that you write asserts nothing about you. 

It's normal and healthy to exist and occupy space in this world. You don't improve things for yourself when you exist only to serve another person.

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I think, it doesn’t feel insulting in the moment. 

That's exactly why that particular scene comes to mind. Anyone would be insulted (injured!) by having a garbage can thrown at them. But Danny doesn't even question it. He is good natured to the point of absurdity. He just rubs his head passively and curses, then lumbers on like some dumb animal. And we all laugh because it's so ridiculous. It's comedy. It's fiction. It's ok because Danny isn't a real person with real feelings.

You are a real person with real feelings. But you don't seem willing to admit that about yourself. I think that's why your writing is so vague and nonspecific. There seems to be no question in your mind that he is right and you are wrong. You just accept it automatically. Why?

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10 hours ago, 1a1a said:

. I asked a friend to sniff my head and she said it had a smell but it wasn’t particularly strong or unpleasant.

Regardless of him. There's many things you can do right now to improve your health, happiness and life.

The first is going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. This includes metabolic hormonal and overall health. Talk about the alleged body odors. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Get involved in better health, fitness, nutrition and personal hygiene.

Don't ask friends to sniff you. Take a shower and wear clean clothes every day. It's that simple.

Personal hygiene is important including dental health. Body odors can also be present due to a pungent diet in addition to neglected personal hygiene.

All these appropriate healthy activities serve you no matter what. Especially since it seems you'll need to get out there and date again, since this man turned out to be a timewaster.

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I agree with everything that was said -there is no part here that's unhealthy.  There's so little that is healthy - and the healthy parts are just typical normal interactions -not the basis for long term.

I get the sense you like to mock the importance of personal hygiene - is that so and if so why? What's your issue with not using soap or enough soap? 

I'm baffled by your question about planning.  There's nothing to differentiate -it's apples and oranges. Not everyone makes the same plans or any plans in a serious relationship -some people simply state their intentions to be committed and they act on that daily and perhaps their lifestyle doesn't require advance planning. 

For my husband and I it was essential between being long distance, my needing to eventually relocate most likely, my ticking biological clock, our desire to marry, our knowledge that we'd broken our engagement years earlier -  to list a few. 

But other couples -maybe live in the same town, have plenty of time to let nature run its course as far as kids, might not need to make professional career plans, etc - so their "plan" is "we love each other, we are committed to each other (not the same thing most often!), and let's be together wherever life takes us.  Perfectly ok.

Two people though have to be on the same wavelength.  Your ex boyfriend has plans in mind and you don't have those same plans, desires - and that's just the tip of the iceberg because as I wrote above my sense is he is being rigid in response to your utter wishy washiness.   Promising something you don't believe you can deliver on has nothing to do with planning at all -that's just misleading and often a big lie.  

It's fine to promise something with the best of intentions then not deliver - that happens all the time in life and depending on what it is compassionate people understand. 

I had a situation like that recently - a really important once in a lifetime meeting I was trying to hard to arrange for my son - and it depended on my friend "delivering" on her promise.  For awhile I wasn't sure if she'd be able to, I wasn't sure what was going on - I trusted her but was confused. It was a really uncomfortable feeling. 

She got back in touch and told me how to make the connection and we did.  And it happened. And it was a once in a lifetime meeting.   It's the same thing - you depend on someone for something really important to you -and it's a really vulnerable feeling becasue you need that person to deliver or it is highly unlikely to happen.  And if it's a long standing close friend -for us over 40 years of friendship - you still don't want to overstep, overstay your welcome by pressuring the other person to deliver.  So you wait sometimes and strategize and it doesn't feel good.  Same with serious romantic relationships and important plans that require someone else stepping up to the plate.

 

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Love, love, love everything written here!!!

At the moment I’m leaning a lot closer to - go and do the working holiday. It seems counter intuitive to leave someone I feel like I want to be with but for me to be with him a long time we both have to want this thing that closes the door on the experience of a working holiday for me permanently. And it’s a thing I want to do. The only thing on my bucket list is ‘work big metal festivals in Germany’.  My feet have been itching for a good 5 years, fear/laziness/money/covid have kept me grounded but I want this thing enough I have been not putting down roots in tangible ways (not joining more bands, not getting more pets, identifying and still failing to execute operation purge most of your belongings, buy a house so you have somewhere you can leave said belongs where paying the rent on it is at least paying off the mortgage! because I know I’m going to leave for a while). I can travel then have kids but I can’t have kids then travel, not that kind of travel anyway. 
 

It would be very cool if he didn’t mind me getting in that experience first, especially if he was willing to do long distance again. But also a far too big an ask and making him delay on his one bucket list item. (Plus every thing mentioned about does this guy actually like you?! He did tell me the other night a very long list of things he liked, maybe 20 items. But you can like a lot about a person and still be a bad match). I’ll keep sitting with these thoughts, I have all of the time in the world to let them solidify since any ‘us’ conversations are off the table for the next month. 

 

Either way, the inconsolable grief seems to have given way to just mere sadness. And here a fire has been lit under me to improve and go and do some things…. I feel like I got more out of this experience than he did. 

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I sent him some texts on Friday, he didn’t reply. Saturday he didn’t reply. I tied myself up in knots sitting in the front row for the show where he actively de prioritises me (as he must). 
 

He just called and asked how I was (do you want the really honest answer? ‘Yes’) I said I was really sad about him leaving it two days to get in touch and I felt like I front row seats to him de prioritising me. He asked if I’d like to go to lunch. I said I would but I feel like we’re perpetually breaking up and it hurts so I’d better not. He said ok. 
 

At the same time I got an essay from a friend who is more than done hearing me talk about this relationship and upset with me because I haven’t asked her she’s going (answer not great). She asked me how I was yesterday and I told her what was going on with the boy. A lot of worry and anxiety and stress there. She’s angry that I keep making this choice and keep trying to talk to her about it (you asked me how I was!!!!) and then she was angry when I said I felt like she should say she needs to vent and she’s angry still. I’ve muted the conversation with her. 
 

Just painful thing after painful thing after painful thing 

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He just called me back now he’s alone. I found out he didn’t do anything yesterday, just hide in his room and get food and coffee delivered on Uber eats. He’s spent over $400 in the last 3 days. 
 

He went to play cricket today but with his heart breaking everything sucks and he quit the team (I hope he goes back). 
 

I hate this for us.

 

So we’re doing 1 month no contact, the date is set to meet for brunch, it’s in the calendar. God I hope we both have more clarity on the other side of it. 
 

I told him I’d rather not have a timeline on having a baby and I understood that’s a scary and anxiety inducing thought for him but for me it would feel like we got to make the let’s have kids decision together. 
 

I’m asking so much of him, big things, life changing things, same as he asked of me. Maybe in a month of solitude he’ll have a better idea of if he really loves me enough to pay a price of admission that high. In a month of solitude I should have my travel plans mapped out and my house decluttered. Maybe that will be valuable information for both of us too.

When I suggested a month no contact he suggested we talk every day. But no, that’s two people staying together because they can’t handle being apart right? I don’t want that for us. I want us to be happy even if that means making a clean break. This isn’t happiness. I’m not happy, he’s not happy, something has to change.

 

Why does this feel like the hardest thing I’ve ever done?

 

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