It’s too early to be this hard *howls into the void*

[1a1a]

Long distance 1 year, 4 months, 18 days. Finally back face to face late December 

We started to have conflict around this issue, he feels like we’ve been dating for almost 2 years and it should be getting more serious by now, I feel like we’ve been dating 1 month, too early to move in in a few months, too early to be asking me if I’m ready to have kids. 
 

He’s been letting me set the pace but finally last week he cracked, this is too slow, he’s taken a big financial risk coming here, I don’t know what I want, what If I realise down the track this isn’t for me, he’ll be so emotionally invested it shatters him. 
 

On the one hand this has had the effect of making me realise I want to step up and see him more. On the other it has changed my expectations of him, when he says he’s busy I wonder why he doesn’t want to prioritise us spending time together. You were the one that said 2 days wasn’t enough. 
 

Today we each bought each other something for Valentine’s Day and although his day has been long and tiring (so has mine), we stayed up and caught up when he finished work. 
 

While he was here he commented that I smelt quite strongly of sweat, which was strange because I just got out the bath. (It was a really hot bath and he arrived before I finished). Then I thought he was going to leave his roses behind because he had nothing to put them in. I thought I had a vase, couldn’t find it, tried to offer the jar I’d had them in but he didn’t want that object in his house. I was hurt and took the roses back. 
 

After he left I should have felt elated but I just felt melancholy. Like I smell bad to him and he rarely stays over the night. (Maybe because my house is untamed chaos from moving and not very comfortable). 
 

I sent a text about this divide feeling. Around the time he got home I called, he prefers phone calls anyway. 
 

Well, that went really badly. If I hadn’t said anything at all, he would have gotten home and invited me out to brunch tomorrow and I can tell you that melancholy feeling I got when he left would have evaporated like dew in the morning sunlight. Instead he felt like I was throwing his valentine efforts in his face and said he wanted to go on break because he’s done everything he can think of to do to make me feel special and still I think negatively (no, I feel insecure since our conversation where you said I was going too slow and listed a whole bunch of big things that might be fundamental incompatibilities). 
 

By the end of the phone conversation he was saying we would go for brunch tomorrow (what? You just said we’re on break. Maybe he means brunch as two people on break. I can’t say I’m really into that proposition). And then what? Brunch cannot close the divide if it’s there. Is it there? I don’t know. But I know two things, reaching a point where you need to call for a break is going to rock the foundations of my trust in this thing we’re trying to build, maybe irreparably. I mean, we might try and persevere but I don’t know of any times anyone has come back from that. And thing number two, thing number two is frankly way more worrying. If I say anything negative or insecure, like today, I literally said ‘despite your best efforts I feel melancholy after you leave, it feels like there’s a divide between us’. If I say anything like that, he hears 1a1a isn’t invested in this relationship. 1a1a is pulling away. I’ve tried everything and it’s not working and now I don’t know what to do’. My vulnerability is flipped on it’s head and masterfully converted into something I need to back pedal on. ***, that’s concerning. And new. We had a good year and a half of him being able to field the occasional insecurity from me calmly and reassuringly. Since he closed the distance and came back to my country not so much. 
 

Im not really into valentines. This is the first year I tried to mark the occasion, because I know my guy is a gifts kind of guy. And it ended with me being dumped. 
 

*HOWL*

 

Edit to add; there’s a third thing, the problem is me! Why am I so quick to insecurity? Obviously if I wasn’t things would still be going. I didn’t think he was insecure but maybe he is now since moving back to my country and our insecurities are pinging off of each other like some nightmare monster. 

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

While he was here he commented that I smelt quite strongly of sweat, which was strange because I just got out the bath. (It was a really hot bath and he arrived before I finished). Then I thought he was going to leave his roses behind because he had nothing to put them in. I thought I had a vase, couldn’t find it, tried to offer the jar I’d had them in but he didn’t want that object in his house. I was hurt and took the roses back. 

What? You gave him roses then took it back? What in a God damn. Not about the roses as present but about your Valentine day dynamic. He commented on your smell and you took away his present?

That is a very unhealthy dynamic. For a day that should be about celebrating your love. I think you are both kinda right and wrong. Him for wanting more serious after almost year and a half and you not being sure due to only spending so little of that time with him. Its not mutually exclusive. 

I dont even think he broke up with you unless he means on that brunch like a last goodbye or something. Even think you are kinda similar from what you wrote. Just that your whole dynamic is bad. If he cant stand your smell or messiness how is he gona live with you? If you cant stand him for a day or two, how are you gona live with him? Just dont see it work if you cant make it work for one day a year that is suppose to be "good day" for love.

[1a1a]

It’s more as he was leaving he asked if he could leave them at mine for the night because he had nothing to put them in. Which cued an unsuccessful search for a nice vase and the decline of my glass jar offer which meant he couldn’t take the roses and I guess that felt quite unappreciated. You’re not wrong that whole interaction went south but your understanding of the cause and effect is off. (He got chocolates as well and those made it home with him). 
 

And it’s not at all like that (Although maybe he interprets it the same way you have?) When you first start dating someone it’s good to pace yourself right? You might want to see them every day but you go slower than that while you’re getting to know them. We’ve been able to date face to face only since the end of Dec. Of course I’d like to see him more but in the past I’ve always gone zero to 100 and I’m trying not to do that again. 
 

And yep. I worry about how that is going to work, me naturally being things he doesn’t like, a whole lot. Enough to send that text tonight. 
 

Maybe he didn’t mean break up either but he definitely used the word break. 
 

Yep, Valentine’s Day catch up went pretty bad. The dating had been going good and then last weekend he brought up a big serious conversation about commitment and living together soon and how my going slow is leaving him insecure and I came away from that worried that maybe we have some fundamental incompatibilities because he was looking for big things that aren’t in my nature, like planning. He wants a plan. I’m a little plan averse. I’m open to trying to improve that but who knows if we can meet in the middle. And planning to move in together in 6 months is one thing but planning a kid? This is early stages of dating for me, I don’t know, I can’t know that now I need to actually have the opportunity to date you (he feels like we got to know each other over the phone and this is true, but it’s not the same). 
 

 

[Jibralta]

It seems like there's a lot of pressure on you in this relationship.

[Batya33]

It's simply a case of bad timing plus you two are not on the same wavelength at all about the pace of relationships -neither of you is wrong or right.  My husband and I dated in the past, were engaged but when we got back together years later we were long distance after three months in person and were long distance on and off until we got married. We both put in so much effort to talk every day and see each other ever 11 days (we flew to each other). 

We both wanted marriage and family from the beginning.  He was ready to get engaged before I was which was a bump in the road but a 12 hour bump in the road because we loved each other and he realized a couple of months in was probably not enough.  

I think with long distance it's even more essential to want the same goals and express that to each other.  Otherwise it's so much work and effort and for what? 

As far as the roses it's a gift.  He can press them into a book, he can go out and buy a vase or borrow one.  Taking it back seemed a bit extreme.  I agree about the smell issue too. Very odd. You two seem mismatched.

 

[DancingFool]

It seems like we are missing a large chunk of information. You were dating for 1 year and 4 months long distance and then it sounds like he moved to be with you - a huge step forward in the relationship. Did you not discuss the implications of his move? The expectations? The next step?

The way you are behaving, I almost kind of wonder if you were doing the long distance thing to avoid real intimacy and commitment. Now that he is here and present in your life, you are freaking out and dodging out of this whole relationship thing because deep down...you don't seem to want to commit.

What I'm getting at is that his desire to discuss things like timelines, relationship goals, life goals and future plans is not too soon or out of place. It is normal and it doesn't mean that it will necessarily go exactly according to plan. It's your freak out about that stuff and refusal to talk that is really off. It is no surprise that he is taken aback and has also backed off in his own right.

It's not hard, but for whatever internal reason, you are making things harder than they need to be. Discussing things and making some rough plans for the future, addressing some concerns, making compromises and adjustments, etc. - all normal things that healthy couples are able to tackle.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

The dating had been going good and then last weekend he brought up a big serious conversation about commitment and living together soon and how my going slow is leaving him insecure and I came away from that worried that maybe we have some fundamental incompatibilities because he was looking for big things that aren’t in my nature, like planning. He wants a plan. I’m a little plan averse. I’m open to trying to improve that but who knows if we can meet in the middle. And planning to move in together in 6 months is one thing but planning a kid? This is early stages of dating for me, I don’t know, I can’t know that now I need to actually have the opportunity to date you (he feels like we got to know each other over the phone and this is true, but it’s not the same

Okay, so explain this to him... That you have a need for 'more time', in real life. As you state, majority of it has been long distance?

Then, by all means, he should try & understand this.  And give things more time. ( No threats of ending things due to YOUR preference).

See how things are in another 6 months... If he doesn't want to 'take a break', again 😕 . ( if he does this, maybe you were right in not rushing anything... People need to work on things, together. And the answer is not to pull away).

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, 1a1a said:

And it’s not at all like that (Although maybe he interprets it the same way you have?) When you first start dating someone it’s good to pace yourself right?

Depends. It seems you are pumping the breaks. And, for example, now it would be the perfect time to see some stuff about the guy. For example how you communicate in person. Does he has something that irritates you? Do you have something that irritates him? I would be interested in that before and if you move in together. That doesnt mean you have to spend every day with the guy but if you want to be serious, if I where you I would like to know those stuff. Few messages or calls are easy deal. Now you need to see if you actually can coexist. You can always hear from him and see him maybe once a week but that is not a long term solution.

Then again it seems your goals are not really alligned. Especially if he talks about kids and you are not for it. You would both need a serious talk about that.

[Capricorn3]

I think DancingFool nailed it.

[Andrina]

It's no wonder there's a lot of stress right now. On paper, one would think this should be a romantic Hollywood movie where the star-crossed lovers have finally closed the distance.

In reality, it's far more stressful for both parties versus people who date locally. You're likely anxious that if it doesn't work out, he's moved all this way for you, uprooted from his home and job, and having to start a new job, which is usually stressful. You will feel guilty if it doesn't work out.

He's strapped financially and has likely left a support system he's used to having locally in his daily life. And he's stressed since if this doesn't work, he has to uproot again and return to his own country, where he will feel embarrassed explaining about the failed attempt at a new life with someone he thought would be his forever partner.

I do think you're wise in living apart so you can learn about each other in 3D, which is far different, of course, than cyberspace. Perhaps he feels like he's left up in the air for timelines, and you're too vague in your answers. You might've been too restrictive in your limitations in how often you see each other, and too slow of a progression in growing in that area.

Has he made his own friends in the area? Do you do group activities with friends or double date? More info about what you each do separately, and things you do with each other, might help us to give you more advice. Good luck.

[1a1a]

Woke up after 4 hours and can’t get back to sleep. 
 

Any time in the next 5 hours he might call (after that he starts work and if he hasn’t called by then, he did not want to). I hope he does, I’m afraid that he won’t, I’m afraid we’re incompatible, I’m afraid we could have been great but i’m still too broken from the last heart break (it has been 7 years and I thought I’d done the work) I’m afraid we stay together but last night reveals he pulls away when the going gets tough and this will not be the last time he pulls the rug out from under me. I’m afraid of holding on to him if we’re a bad match. 
 

And I’m frustrated because saying let’s meet up twice a week when he first got back doesn’t mean I want to limit it to that forever, now we’re 7 weeks in I do want to see him more. From the conversation the other day where it became apparent me putting the brakes on is really crushing him I realise I haven’t made him feel that (although I have extended my fair share on invitations to do things. Invitations that recently have been turned down because he’s busy, see how this is mixed messaging?! I don’t know, if doing this consistently going forward would have made him feel like I was reciprocating because I haven’t been given time to do it in. Tense conversation was Saturday. He gave up on Monday and the thing that triggered him giving up was me saying I felt a divide between us). 
 

If we get to talk about this again maybe some of the points raised here can help us reach clarity.

 

He has heaps of friends here. Until Sunday he was living with some rent free at their insistence. (But he was sharing a room with one of them). When he moved in he had a machine learning job with a company in India which he loves, but didn’t think it would be possible to keep if he moved to Australia so the whole time he’s been applying for local work, and also shoring up the company’s dependence on him. He got his housemates internships there and put the best one on an important project, near guaranteeing that that housemate would be offered a paid position. For a few weeks they were all working on the same schedule so they’d take a break and eat dinner together. Now he’s secured a data analysis job here (but that’s not really what he wants, he wants to do machine learning), and moved out in preparation for working Australian 9 to 5 hours. The first day out of the house he felt super lonely and I realise how I feel about him and how he thinks I feel about him are shockingly different things. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

I hope he does, I’m afraid that he won’t, I’m afraid we’re incompatible, I’m afraid we could have been great but i’m still too broken from the last heart break (it has been 7 years and I thought I’d done the work) I’m afraid we stay together but last night reveals he pulls away when the going gets tough and this will not be the last time he pulls the rug out from under me. I’m afraid of holding on to him if we’re a bad match. 

In your specific case I think I don't know means no.  You're choosing fear because you don't feel secure in choosing him.  I don't think he can help you reach clarity and it's not his job.  If you are not clear on how you feel and whether you want to commit to him - both things - then the answer is no.  I'm sorry.

[1a1a]

I thought if we could actually date I’d gain clarity. How I felt when he left my country was the very unambiguous yes of a strong oxytocin hit and it faded into neutrality with the absence of touch. I wanted to date and give it space to come back and I feel like that opportunity has been denied. And there was the super strange experience of feeling a strong emotional intimacy with him born of almost a year and a half of talking, but like the physical intimacy was at date 1. And that has grown for me over that last 7 weeks but I’m not at ‘I want to marry you’ yet. 7 weeks doesn’t seem like a long time to me but when it’s paired with the long distance part (which never ever felt like dating to me and I said this multiple times, that it was an extended predating time and I was holding space because I really wanted to see what we could be) now I’m the one who’s moving too slow and everyone thinks I’m not into it. 

[1a1a]

Choosing fear instead of choosing him hit me like a ton of bricks!

I want to call him and tell him I choose him. I can’t do that can I, after he’s asked for space 😞

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Choosing fear instead of choosing him hit me like a ton of bricks!

I want to call him and tell him I choose him. I can’t do that can I, after he’s asked for space 😞

If you respect him you will tell him you choose him and you understand he wants space. You want him to know that and now you're stepping away and you will respect that he will contact you when he feels ready.  

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

I thought if we could actually date I’d gain clarity. How I felt when he left my country was the very unambiguous yes of a strong oxytocin hit and it faded into neutrality with the absence of touch. I wanted to date and give it space to come back and I feel like that opportunity has been denied. And there was the super strange experience of feeling a strong emotional intimacy with him born of almost a year and a half of talking, but like the physical intimacy was at date 1. And that has grown for me over that last 7 weeks but I’m not at ‘I want to marry you’ yet. 7 weeks doesn’t seem like a long time to me but when it’s paired with the long distance part (which never ever felt like dating to me and I said this multiple times, that it was an extended predating time and I was holding space because I really wanted to see what we could be) now I’m the one who’s moving too slow and everyone thinks I’m not into it. 

So you need to separate out a few things.  First acknowledge that what you felt back then was infatuation.  Infatuation is like cotton candy, like twinkie love (twinkie is a popular american snack cake that tastes like air) - it doesn't sustain because it is not based on reality.  I'm not sure what's super strange about feeling close to a person you talk to often and in depth. 

You're using a lot of these newfangled complicated words -don't indulge in that.  Get extremely simple and blunt with yourself.  You weren't holding space or "pre-dating" or to "see what we could be."  You simply preferred to date in person before deciding whether you wanted an exclusive romantic relationship with him.  You told him that, yes?  You actually did not hold space - you simply chose not to date anyone else during that time.  Lots of people do that.  There was nothing to hold.

Who cares what everyone thinks?  When my husband and I reconnected 7 years after cancelling our wedding his smug married friend said in his opinion we should be engaged within 3 months.  Okkkkk - thanks didn't ask you. 

The problem is it sounds like he didn't know you two were not dating -that it didn't count towards time spent together - it sounds like now he is ready to go full steam ahead and you are not and it sounds like he's blindsided by you saying you're not.  So some miscommunication happened during the long distance time.  He doesn't have to wait longer for you to be ready not because it's right or wrong because that is how he feels.

If my husband had waited much longer to ask me to get back together I'm really not sure I would still have been available and interested.  Timing is really important.

[Jibralta]

Does it not seem like miscommunication after miscommunication to you? For example:

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

He’s been letting me set the pace but finally last week he cracked

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I thought he was going to leave his roses behind because he had nothing to put them in. I thought I had a vase, couldn’t find it, tried to offer the jar I’d had them in but he didn’t want that object in his house. I was hurt and took the roses back. 

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

If I hadn’t said anything at all, he would have gotten home and invited me out to brunch tomorrow

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

he felt like I was throwing his valentine efforts in his face and said he wanted to go on break because he’s done everything he can think of to do to make me feel special and still I think negatively

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

If I say anything like that, he hears 1a1a isn’t invested in this relationship. 1a1a is pulling away. I’ve tried everything and it’s not working and now I don’t know what to do’.

 

[1a1a]

He called me bang on 10am. I told him about the choosing fear instead of commitment and that I don’t want to do that going forward, nor take a break, but I also don’t want to be pushy. He said he also didn’t want to take a break but he doesn’t know what else to do. I keep going for the bad faith answer and it’s taking it’s toll on him. What If he has a small problem with me, how can he broach it when he’s mentioned two and it’s caused such a reaction (what about all the things I love about you?!)

I suggested he might inadvertently be bumping up against things I don’t much like about myself (lax hygiene, the clutter) and that I have the power to change that. And that if he prefaced the small problems with ‘this isn’t a deal breaker but’ that would be self explanatory.
 

I flagged that it concerns me that he turns away when it’s tough too. But I also get that some people get better access to their own thoughts and feelings when they’re alone for a while.
 

He suggested a wild idea, you might not like it, we don’t have to do it. What if we each suggest one or two things about the other person to try and change (from a you become more entrenched in your habits in your 30s perspective). This will be a face to face conversation, we’ll have that brunch. 
 

There’s a possibility this will be I love you, you’re beautiful, now change. But If he suggests two things I want to change about myself anyway i’m going to change them regardless of how we work out. 

 

I haven’t forgotten how last night panned out though. I guess yep, communication is pretty poor. Maybe we can level that up. (Both, me too).

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

He suggested a wild idea, you might not like it, we don’t have to do it. What if we each suggest one or two things about the other person to try and change (from a you become more entrenched in your habits in your 30s perspective). This will be a face to face conversation, we’ll have that brunch. 
 

There’s a possibility this will be I love you, you’re beautiful, now change. But If he suggests two things I want to change about myself anyway i’m going to change them regardless of how we work out. 

I think that's fine once you two choose each other -and are committed to each other -then it should be an ongoing open conversation not about changing anything but about what things cause conflict and what can be done.  Or what the person wants to change in him or herself -not the other person.  No, it's not true that people become more set in their ways just because they're a certain age.  We're 55.  We're not.  No more than when we were 25. 

I don't see how this fosters connection and communication -it sounds like one of those couples game nights where it's like the dating game or newlywed game where the couples see if they really know each other. I don't see how this is related to whether you two are committed to future serious potential, to seeing if you can go the distance.

If you are you lax in your hygiene and want to change that then change it for yourself. And consider why you are lax in case there are some real issues as opposed to too tired, etc.  

[1a1a]

So we met, and covered (re covered), almost exactly what some of you have said, that the commitment avoidance is mine to wrestle with. He feels like he’s been putting in 100% to make me feel chosen and it’s not working. Ok, I acknowledge that, and want to move forward more mindful of it. Also, that he feels like this last 7 weeks have been all about 1a1a wants, how 1a1a is feeling. I asked him how we can make space for his thoughts and feelings and he couldn’t really answer that. He said he tried on Saturday and I got really upset (it’s true, is there space where you can broach these uncomfortable topics and I can feel how I feel about it and then work through it? Like the fall out from Saturday has not been all bad, it’s galvanised my feelings in some respects, both that I do want to keep choosing him and that I am waaaaay not comfortable having a kid in one years time). 
 

That’s the other kicker, his timeline for having a kid is very concrete in his head, in a year. That’s not a we’ve been dating long enough thing. That’s a he wants to have his kids young and not have to work past 50. I feel like probably I’ll never feel ‘ready’ to have a kid but I can tell you now that by 40 I’ll feel like I need to act if I’m going to and by 40 I will probably make a leap of faith. The having of a kid, and the experience of living overseas, they’re both things I want to do in abstract but haven’t in practice because hard and involves leaving comfort zone, but that doesn’t flat out mean I want to miss those experiences. And heck if we’re going steady in 5 years time I think that will feel like a very different landscape for me to anything I can imagine now. He said he won’t date again me, he’s done for now, focus on building his career. So, if I don’t commit to a kid in a year, he’s not going to find one elsewhere. But that doesn’t mean he should settle and date me sans children. It’s a sticky wicket. I told him in hindsite it would have been good for him to mention he wants to have a kid by 36 when he was still in India. He said it had felt too soon and like a conversation that should happen face to face. God no! You put that kind of stuff on the dating profile, right up the front!

 

So we part ways now to think. I did suggest if he compromises on the kid timeline I need to compromise on something big too, there’s nothing as big as having kids so, the next biggest thing after that! He doesn’t know what yet. Maybe it will come to him with space. Maybe there is nothing. 
 

Ahh, and whatever the two things to change were, he never said, when asked he said ‘doesn’t matter, I’m taking that to my grave’. Maybe the best answer. And obviously I have room for improvement if I can see it unprompted out of this experience.

 

[WildPump]

I do not know what do you want in this relationship. You are way overthinking about it. Why didn't you set any expectations before he moved. The way you are behaving now, it is like you are a very different person who has no idea how to proceed here. If you are not sure about moving ahead in this relationship then clear this up. And in case you want to give it a try then put aside your insecurities and why did you get involved with him in the first place? Believe you will know what to do. And yeah bad odour is a big for any guy but if he ignoring it, then he likes you just saying from my past experience. One more thing give it a try otherwise you may regreat it, you both came this close he did everything but you didn't. keep us posted what happened.

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

That’s the other kicker, his timeline for having a kid is very concrete in his head, in a year. That’s not a we’ve been dating long enough thing. That’s a he wants to have his kids young and not have to work past 50.

You put a lot of blame on yourself about him bending around you, but I see a lot of pressure coming from him. For example, I think this is a crazy timeline to have a kid.

And yeah, I guess it's nice that he relocated, but it seems to be putting a lot of onus on you for some reason. I just keep going back to him "cracking" over your pace.

How long have you two known each other?

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Ahh, and whatever the two things to change were, he never said, when asked he said ‘doesn’t matter, I’m taking that to my grave’.

What the eff? How is this helpful. Ughh. He seems like a bit of a jerk, to be honest.

7 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I told him in hindsite it would have been good for him to mention he wants to have a kid by 36 when he was still in India. He said it had felt too soon and like a conversation that should happen face to face. God no! You put that kind of stuff on the dating profile, right up the front!

I agree with you. It's like landmine after landmine.

[1a1a]

Wild pump, your perspective emboldens me to push just a little against his break with something meaningful (but not a lot, still want to let him have space when he needs it). 
 

Jibralta, we met some time in 2020, after covid hit, but while everyone in aus was still sheltering in place. Like we probably met face to face July 2020. Had three dates after which I offered friendship because the stakes felt too high, he gave me a $700 camera on the second date. I felt the imbalance in investment then. 
 

We continued to catch up as friends until he went back to India and the friend catch ups were more enjoyable (lower stakes I think). Even though I’d friendzoned him it wasn’t for lack of curiosity and I thought I didn’t want to let him skip the country and my life without at least trying kissing. The one night we spent together and what we learned of each other through subsequent staying in touch felt so right we sustained a long distance relationship for almost a year and a half and he booked his flight the day the borders opened to give it a proper go. 
 

He Is exaggerating the timeline a bit though. He’s freaking out because he feels like we’ve been getting to know each other for more than 2 years and we’re still stuck in the early days of dating. (When really come April we might have known each other 2 years, not date, know. Even if you count dating from the first night we spent together, that will be 2 years in august). 
 

I have way too much time to think today and I kept thinking of nice things I’d like to do to make him feel wanted and how I don’t actually know if there will be an opportunity to try doing that, or, if I should disrespect his request for space and make a gesture or two before disappearing into the shadows. I could feel anxiety about it building up inside my chest and reading your post completely took the edge off it. 
 

Still I agree I rode the brakes hard and it’s discouraged him and I regret/want to remedy that. But do I want a partner who’ll be push pushing me to climb that life/relationship escalator quicker? I guess, I don’t think he’ll come back if he’s not wanting what I’m wanting (and if he does, it’ll be a bad time for us both.) He says I’m dating now like he approached dating when he was 24. Too relaxed. 

Tonight I wish I was walking a fire trail in the hills with him by my side. I’d like to share that thought with him. Before space I would have. But now there is requested space and I don’t know where his head will be at on the other side. Ugh, uncertainty!
 

 

[Batya33]

It's really simple.  Cut through all the making space and "avoidance" (you're not avoiding -you're making an affirmative choice to not make a choice "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice" (Rush song). 

Cut through that and you have two people who want two different things. I think your incompatibility triggered him to take a harder line about having a baby.  No leap of faith please -you have to 100% want a baby -the leap of faith is part of it after you know you want one because there are no guarantees if you conceive and give birth what you're gonna get.  And yes then you'll have to "make space" in your body to carry a baby. 

He is feeling like he wants to move things along.  And make huge life decisions.  You don't.  Part ways and let him find someone who does.  I know of many many people who make those decisions within a year and it works just fine for them and others who take longer and others who make excuses and never do for whatever reason. It doesn't matter- don't criticize his timeline simply tell him it doesn't work for you.  I would never ever have dated my now husband long distance unless he wanted marriage and family in the not too distant future.  My biological clock was ticking and I had no idea if I could conceive. 

And if he'd been lukewarm about being a dad -forget it.  Even with both of us being allll in from the word go it's so darn hard and time consuming and limiting, thanks pandemic. 

But we love each other and we love our son and we're 100% committed to marriage and family 16 plus years after we had a short conversation about it -two highly educated smart and emotionally smart people who didn't need to overthink or have any in depth discussions about commitment -because it's simple when you're on the same page. I had all your ruminations and doubts and overthinking with a number of Right on Paper men over my many years of dating.  The difference when you're the right person with the right person - night and day. I hope that for you if you want that and let him go and find that. 

[Jibralta]

59 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Still I agree I rode the brakes hard and it’s discouraged him and I regret/want to remedy that.

I don't know. I just cant shake the feeling that you are putting a lot of burden on yourself here. Something seems off balance to me, even in the way that you are telling the story. I'm not saying that you're off balance. I just wonder if you are being too hard on yourself about this. Perhaps it's because I think back to some of your posts about your last relationship and wonder if chasing the carrot is a pattern with you.