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I don't know what happened


tzins
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Hi everyone. I'll explain my situation and I hope some of you could help me understand the whole situation and guess what exactly happened. I am still confused and can't forget it.

It all started on New Year's eve/night when I joined my sister's group of friends for a celebration. There were about 15-20 people, I've met most of them before, some of them I even consider "friends" (hung out with them before a couple of times). The whole evening I was really close to one of my sister's male best friends (he was single), we were sitting together, partying on the dancefloor together, he even hugged me in front of everyone - which is not common to happen. At the time, I didn't know if that means he likes me or if this is only on a friendship level so I was just enjoying it. Later, after midnight we were laying on the sheets/pillows on the floor and talked. There were people in the same room but not sitting with us on the floor. I don't even know how it happened but at one moment he kissed me. I was in shock & was like "what are you doing" and I was laughing as I was really surprised he would even see me in that way (he's 26 and I'm 21 - I feel like a child when I'm in this friend group). After a while we made out again. We were together for the rest of the night, holding our hands under the covers and rubbing each other's arms. It was really cute and I couldn't be happier.

The next morning I was patiently waiting for his text but since I know he is normally very shy, I wasn't surprised when I recieved 0 messages from him. I couldn't help myself so I decided to reach out to him first. I texted him in the evening (Sun, Jan 1nd). We started a great conversation and we were talking non-stop ever since. It was all moving pretty quickly, I realized he is actually interested in me (it wasn't just alcohol). He invited me to his apartment on Tue, Jan 4th, and I visited him the same day. We had the best time - I kid you not. It was like a dream, I couldn't believe how well we connect and how much I  enjoy his company. We were together all evening, laughed most of the time, talked a lot and were remembering all the times when we were hanging out before (since Oct 2021 we and other friends hung out from time to time). I was pretty sure there is a bright future for us, he said that I need to meet his dogs (he told me prior that if a girl meets his dogs that is a really big deal). He told me how he remembers every little moment we shared together since Oct 2021 (a few texts, sitting next to each other, him secretly touching my arm when I didn't even notice). It felt like he had liked me since the moment he met me for the first time and I couldn't believe I didn't notice - he said he was shy. So that day at his place we were kissing a lot, he even wanted to have sex but I stopped him and explained it's too soon for me. It really was. For me, sex is when you give someone your all so I was definitely not ready to do it. He didn't seem to be offended, it looked like he understood me. I mean - he should understand, he can't force me into it. He gave me a drive home and everything was looking fine.

The next day is when everything went south. In the morning I immediately noticed he wasn't really responsive as he usually is so I was guessing something's off. I asked him about it and he said he's a little busy at work. I believed him without a doubt, why wouldn't I? I totally understood it. Around 11 AM he texts me and says that actually he is not responsive on purpose. I asked him why and he told me that he was thinking a lot about us during the night and that he couldn't sleep. He kind of panicked that things are moving too fast - honestly, they were moving too fast for me, too so I could understand his pov. But what he also said is that he thought he wanted it all but after consideration he is not sure if he really does want it all anymore. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He said he doesn't want to get into a relationship and then realize I'm not the one. I told him I believed him everything he has said to me yesterday so I don't even know what's the truth now. He answered that he didn't know what he was saying. That literally broke me. You are a 26 year-old man. How on earth can you say you wasn't thinking what you were saying? I meant everything I said to him and I never say important things just to say them, but I actually mean them. He said he thinks it's better for us to stay friends and completely stop talking. I was in complete shock, I was sick the whole day, I couldn't eat anything. I was broken because how can EVERYTHING seemed fine just 12 hours ago and 12 hours after your opinion is the complete opposite of what it was before. How can we be so close 12 hours ago, like almost had sex, and 12 hours after you suggest it's better to ignore each other's existence? I couldn't understand how can someone completely changes literally overnight when nothing even happens in between, we were just sleeping. I said to myself "OK, try to understand him, he's a little scared because he's not used to develop a relationship so quickly." And I realized I felt the same, I enjoyed his company, talking to him was the best thing ever but everything was really moving too fast.

I couldn't keep calm so in the evening of the same day I decided to swallow my pride and write him an honest text about how I feel. I think there's nothing wrong with being honest and tell your truth after a situation like this. I said that even though he has just said we shouldn't communicate I still care enough to say that I don't think it's smart to waste all the great moments we shared just because he's not sure what he wants and is confused. I also told him I understand him and remembered him of situation when I rejected having sex because I felt like the things are moving too fast. He replied that he regrets saying that we should stop talking and that he should've listened to me (sex situation). We decided we'll still be in touch as friends and see what happens.

We talked for another 10 days as friends, every day. One day we even hung out together with a group of friends, everything was normal. If he left me on read, he reached out again a couple of hours later and vice versa. He wasn't forced into texting. He said that he likes the situation where we talk as friends, get to know each other first and see how the whole thing develops. I liked that, too but at the same time I was insecure all the time what he actually thinks of me - am I in the friendzone or not? I never knew if I can experience the same situation again - him quickly changing his mind and letting me down. A few times he started with a dirty talk which seem odd to me because: 1) everyone including him say that he's shy etc. and that kind of talk is pretty brave 2) he said we are friends, how are you now suggesting getting me in bed? I honestly wasn't comfortable with that kind of conversation because I can't have this conversation with someone I'm not really close with. I can totally sext with my boyfriend, but not with someone who just "rejected" me 1 week ago, doesn't know what he wants, wants to be friends first ... He noticed I'm not really ready to talk about this topic so I explained that it depends on a relationship I have with the person. He was fine with it and said "OK, we won't have this kind of conversation." After that we talked about his situation about not knowing what he wants and he said he doesn't know when he'll have the answers. I thought to myself "Well OK, there's nothing I can do about it."

The next day, Sat Jan 15th, was the last day we spoke. The conversation was normal, he even asked me about my exams for the next week etc. In the afternoon, he sent me a random picture of a dog (which he probably sent to other people too - nothing wrong with it, just saying), I replied, he liked my message and left me on read. I never texted him again because 1) he left me on read, so why would I act clingy and be annoying 2) I've been the first one to show my interesed many times (texted him first after our first kiss; swallowed my pride and texted him again when he said we shouldn't be talking anymore) because I did care, so I thought he should do something to keep contact with me, too.

It's been almost one month now since I haven't heard from him. I can't believe I'm saying this. I really saw a potential boyfriend in him, I loved so many things about him. He's so funny and makes me laugh like no one else does. Since day 1 we've had an amazing connection. I don't know why he never reached out to me again. I thought I'm going to get through it and forget him, but I honestly didn't. I would die if he would text me. At the same time, I know he's not perfect, there are guys out there who would probably love me for who I am without begging and chasing them. What should I do? Should I let him go? I don't want to let him go but I don't want to chase him and look desperate either. I thought men love to chase and try to win a woman not vice versa. Why did he not put the effort in me when he was literally "obsessing" over me in the beginning? What bugs me the most is that I don't know what he thinks of me and the situation, what goes through his mind when I cross his mind. I wonder what he tells his guy best friends when they ask him about me - everybody saw us kissing.

I want an opinion and an advice from a third person who is not involved in this. What do you guys think actually happened here?
Thank you so much.

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17 minutes ago, tzins said:

he's 26 and I'm 21. So that day at his place he even wanted to have sex but I stopped him and explained it's too soon for me. He said he doesn't want to get into a relationship and then realize I'm not the one. It's been almost one month now since I haven't heard from him.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he was just looking for sex. Distance yourself from him.

Next time do not make the first date at the guy's place. That's code for hook up.

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I am sorry, I think he was only aftering hook up. He told you what needed to be told. Few sweet words, how he should meet you with his dogs, and you thought there was something more, that is OK. As soon as he didnt get what he wanted, he backed off. 

As to why he didnt put an effort, well, again, he doesnt care to try for more. Otherwise he certanly would. Its not particularry hard to send a message to at least ask how are you doing. And he didnt do it in a month. As for shy part, that guy aint shy. He knew exactly what to tell you and how to hook you up. You can even see by his sexting that he isnt that shy. You just dont know him that good. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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31 minutes ago, tzins said:

It's been almost one month now since I haven't heard from him. I can't believe I'm saying this. I really saw a potential boyfriend in him, I loved so many things about him. He's so funny and makes me laugh like no one else does. Since day 1 we've had an amazing connection. I don't know why he never reached out to me again. I thought I'm going to get through it and forget him, but I honestly didn't. I would die if he would text me. At the same time, I know he's not perfect, there are guys out there who would probably love me for who I am without begging and chasing them. What should I do? Should I let him go?

Yup, let it go.

IMO, it was all so great for YOU.  You saw something in all of this on how 'great' this guy is. So, you got lost in your emotions.  He pulled away.

Sounds almost like he lost some interest after you didn't 'give in' to sex.

Lack of interest?  Move on. Don't waste your time & energy on someone like this.

As for 'friends'?  Is maybe not such a good thing, as you seem to still have some feelings for him.  Back off with no expectations.  Worst thing is to be led on or have to see all he's doing and have this all drag on- where you are hurting 😕 .

 

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Thank you guys so much for your opinions. I never thought about it this way. Let me explain why.

All of his friends say he is shy, has trouble to start a conversation especially with girls etc. He had 1 serious relationship for 6 years (until 2019) and since then he hasn't had a girlfriend. Since the break up he only talked to 1 girl on and off for 2 years. They met once or twice (not sure) and nothing happened between them (not even a kiss) because he was to shy to make a move. All of his friends know it, he told me himself all of this, too.

He never came up to a girl in a club (for example) or made out with a random girl (which is a common thing for single men at this age to do) because he has no guts to do it. That's common knowledge in our friend group. So it was a surprise for everyone that something even happened between him and I because that is not typical for him. With his first girlfriend everything moved very slowely, other people "pushed" him so he got to know her and came up to her, otherwise nothing would ever happen.

One of his friends also stated that he (out of all single friends) is going to have the most trouble finding a girl because he doesn't know how to keep the conversation going once one topic is finished. While we were talking non-stop that was not an issue, the conversation was developing amazingly. But later on, when we were talking only on a friendship level, I could sometimes felt the akwardness of him not knowing what to say. So I completely understand why his friends have that opinion.

In conclusion, it now looks like non of his long time friends (who have known him since primary and high school) barely know him. I'm 100 % sure non of the friends would say he would ever want only sex. I wouldn't even give him a chance nor let him kiss me if there was 1 % doubt of him maybe being like that.

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What the Greek Chorus (meaning his friends/ your friends) say is not relevant at all. His actions were that Mr. Shy wasn't shy about trying to have intercourse with you basically right away. Maybe he is shy in other ways -ways that his buddies don't see cause they're not hooking up with him right when they meet. 

Most people who see a long term future/potential likely won't pursue sex that early. Very very different when two people meet, strong chemistry, both decide to have sex right away and may even discuss that they see a future - but that's both people wanting it, both people willing to take the risk that it might be a wee bit fast. 

I've never done that and I know married people who started out that way.  I also know many women who started out just like you, did have sex then it crashed and burned shortly after, or said no and it crashed and burned shortly after.  

You need to manage your expectations. One date at a time. Date in public.  Date sober.  If another date isn't planned, there is no next date even if he said he's gonna introduce his dogs to you Some Day.  Not to be negative -be realistic.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  

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Just because he's shy doesn't mean he's gonna be all innocent and a prince charming looking for love. He's a horn dog rat bastard that love bombed you in hopes to get you in the sack. No grown mature 26 year old man talks like that. He was grooming you into thinking it was a match made in heaven/ a miracle that you two came together. Lucky for you he jumped the gun too soon, and you put the brakes on. You saved yourself from being used for sex. Stay away from this guy. What a jerk.

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This guy is not shy. 

He wanted sex. You got overly-invested way too early, unfortunately, and wanted to believe the narrative that he's just too shy to only be after one thing.

But OP, you were wrong. The people saying he's shy? They're wrong too. Shy guys don't behave the way this one did. They haven't seen him in action, but you have. This is not a dude who's afraid of trying to get sex from a woman. 

Try to keep perspective next time. Don't get too ahead of yourself without truly getting to know the man first. You were seeing boyfriend potential after, what, a couple meet-ups? It takes longer than that to really figure out someone's intentions. 

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I would not make the mistake of believing that having had sex with him might have made him more inclined to pursue the kind of relationship you wanted to have with him.

The guy wanted to have casual sex with you, and that's about it, so it's a good thing you didn't go there with him. 

Shy has zero to do with anything. A person can be introverted and still be willing to use people for sex. This doesn't make him a villain, but it's not what you wanted, so it's best to just move forward to find the RIGHT guy for you.

Head high, you'll find him.

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Don't make the mistake of letting other people do your thinking for you.

Use your own judgement and pay attention to the evidence in front of you: Every time you've declined his sexual advance he has stopped talking to you. 

There should now be no doubt in your head that he is only after sex.

16 hours ago, tzins said:

I wonder what he tells his guy best friends when they ask him about me - everybody saw us kissing.

He probably acts like a hapless, clueless dimwit who somehow messed things up again so that his friends continue to portray him as harmless to girls. 

16 hours ago, tzins said:

Should I let him go?

Definitely. Your first impression was on point:

16 hours ago, tzins said:

You are a 26 year-old man. How on earth can you say you wasn't thinking what you were saying?

He knew exactly what he was doing. Don't play the fool.

16 hours ago, tzins said:

I couldn't understand how can someone completely changes literally overnight when nothing even happens in between, we were just sleeping.

Nor should you. Stop making excuses for him. He's not a baby. He's creepy.

Edited by Jibralta
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16 hours ago, tzins said:

  I'm 100 % sure non of the friends would say he would ever want only sex. I wouldn't even give him a chance nor let him kiss me if there was 1 % doubt of him maybe being like that.

This faux statistics mean nothing. What does mean something is he invited you to his place to hookup and made the moves on you. That is proof of where he's at.

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He tried twice to get you to have sex with him. He backed off communication both times after you said no (good for you for saying no, BTW). No big mystery here. Mr. Allegedly Shy wanted sex. He talked some pretty words, thinking you are young and naive enough to fall for it. When it didn't work he bailed.

Also BTW, next time a guy suggests a "date" at his home, be assured it's likely because he wants and expects sex. That was your naivete showing. He didn't invite you over to meet his dogs lol. Well, he wanted you to meet HIS "dog", so to speak. 

Write this one off as a life lesson. There are other guys out there who will legitimately like you, not just want to get you into their beds.

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