She's gone cold....Advice?

[Andy2022]

I have been Dating/talking to a woman for over a month now, we have been on a few dates which have gone really well. We spoke everyday since the beginning on January up until 2 days ago. Really into each other, a lot of things in common and find one another attractive. I went away on holiday for 10 days and still we spoke/txt everyday during then. I came back from holiday last week and she even wanted to pick me up from the airport which I thought was a good sign. So she picked me up from the airport (5 days ago) and had a nice day together before she dropped me off home. We arranged another date for next week, and then continued to chat as usual. and then 2 days ago I just got the feeling something was up....communcation wasn't as strong from her part (Even though I know she's really busy with work atm) I just got a vibe that something had changed. Neither of us have been dating or talking to anyone else during the past month....so I am just confused as to this sudden change, does she feel too much pressure, is it moving too fast for her, etc...?....what could the reason be and what advice would someone who has been in this situation give?

I sent a voicemail yesterday to ask if she was ok or if Id said something to upset her and I still haven't received a reply.

 

thank you, 

Andy

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

I went away on holiday for 10 days . Neither of us have been dating or talking to anyone else during the past month.

Sorry this happened. What do you mean by "moving too fast"? It actually seems to be dragging along with too much  texting rather than dating and vacationing rather than dating.

It seems like you two lost momentum during your trip. You're not exclusive so of course she is still talking to and meeting others.

[Andy2022]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What do you mean by "moving too fast"? It actually seems to be dragging along with too much  texting rather than dating and vacationing rather than dating.

It seems like you two lost momentum during your trip. You're not exclusive so of course she is still talking to and meeting others.

Thank you for replying. I mean moving too fast in terms of what she said when we first started dating....she had a really rough break up in her last relationship and basically went completely off the idea of dating/relationships until we started dating. She has said on multiple occasions that she wants to take it slow otherwise she'd feel overwhelmed which I agreed with.

 

Im not sure we did lose momentum, nothing changed during that period when I was away....like I said we talked everyday while I was away and she even wanted to pick me up from the airport. The day after I got back from holiday we arranged another date for next we...if it had lost momentum she wouldn't have 1) wanted to pick me uo from airport 2)Wanted to arrange a date for next week (She was the one who suggested it)

 

thanks 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Andy2022 said:

she said when we first started dating....she had a really rough break up in her last relationship

Is it possible they are still talking or on/off. An abrupt 180 like this often means an ex or on/off is still in the picture.

[MissCanuck]

29 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

then 2 days ago I just got the feeling something was up....communcation wasn't as strong from her part

Do you mean that she hasn't been communicating as frequently? 

29 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

I sent a voicemail yesterday to ask if she was ok or if Id said something to upset her

You jumped the gun here. I wouldn't have sent that, nor would I have assumed I'd done something wrong. Lead with confidence rather than insecurity and don't panic at the first sign of change. Assume that if something is off, you will find out soon enough, and carry on with your day. No need to go the "What's wrong?" route. Since you already have, there's not much more you can do but see if she replies. 

[Andy2022]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible they are still talking or on/off. An abrupt 180 like this often means an ex or on/off is still in the picture.

Highly unlikely, I am the first person she has dating in the past year as she has been concentrating on her phD work. Her ex was abusive which is why she has a few trust issues and wanted to go slowly

[Andy2022]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you mean that she hasn't been communicating as frequently? 

You jumped the gun here. I wouldn't have sent that, nor would I have assumed I'd done something wrong. Lead with confidence rather than insecurity and don't panic at the first sign of change. Assume that if something is off, you will find out soon enough, and carry on with your day. No need to go the "What's wrong?" route. Since you already have, there's not much more you can do but see if she replies. 

Yes a massive reduction in communication compared to usual. Like I mentioned, we've talked everyday for the past 4-5weeks including while I was away on holiday for 10 days. Im quite good at feeling when something is up and this is one of those instances.

 

Yes I agree possibly jumped the gun, but with such a sudden change is was instinctive to see if she was ok if you know what I mean. I am a very confident guy, it was a trait she finds attractive in me, the message wasn't a needy insecure message if that makes sense. 

 

thank you.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

the message wasn't a needy insecure message

It struck me as insecure, not needy. 

I say that because why would you assume you'd said something to upset her? A truly confident guy wouldn automatically worry he had done something wrong just because she's gone quieter than normal. He might be wondering what was up, but not instinctively worry it was his fault. 

Regardless, we can't really tell you what's caused her turnaround. It could be something that has nothing to do with you at all. 

Or maybe she's met someone else or some such thing. You will likely know soon enough. 

[Lambert]

You can never really know what is happening on the other person's end, especially this early on.  It is a red flag she had a rough break up before getting with you.

I think it is super telling that she hasn't called you back from your voicemail.  I would back off.  

And for next time-- don't leave these types of voice mails.  it's a weird dynamic for her to have to navigate how to respond.  Especially if there is something happening that has made her pull back.  She obviously is pulling back for some reason.  It may have NOTHING to do with you.  But now you've made it awkwardly about you and you look needy, which is annoying and not attractive.

For now.  Let her be.  Let her come to you.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Andy2022 said:

then 2 days ago I just got the feeling something was up. I just got a vibe that something had changed.

What exactly made you feel something was wrong other than her being busy?

[Rose Mosse]

She’ll respond if she wants to see you again. If not the interaction was a pleasant distraction after her recent break up.

[Andy2022]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly made you feel something was wrong other than her being busy?

Not sure really, its hard to describe....but the sudden lack of communication, the frequency and speed of replies, effort into the conversation seemed to have changed, she seemed a bit on edge 

[Andy2022]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She’ll respond if she wants to see you again. If not the interaction was a pleasant distraction after her recent break up.

thank you for replying. I guess you are right, though her break up was over a year ago so not sure that is a factor. My most recent relationship ended 6 months ago and I only started dating again 2 months ago 

[Rose Mosse]

5 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

thank you for replying. I guess you are right, though her break up was over a year ago so not sure that is a factor. My most recent relationship ended 6 months ago and I only started dating again 2 months ago 

She cited her “rough breakup” as a reason to “take it slow”. This does not strike me as a person who has completely healed or put the past behind her or possibly acknowledged her own mistakes and poor choices, however many months have passed. 

Let her respond to you but don’t keep waiting forever. Your time is precious too.

[Batya33]

59 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

Highly unlikely, I am the first person she has dating in the past year as she has been concentrating on her phD work. Her ex was abusive which is why she has a few trust issues and wanted to go slowly

Were you two exclusive?  If not anything can happen -she may have met someone else - and that's totally fine for her to do -or she may have reflected and changed her mind after a couple of dates which is highly typical -it's only been a handful of dates and "talking" isn't really the point when it comes to establishing an in person relationship.

If she wanted to go "slowly" -what does that mean -waiting for sex? Not talking or texting too often? Not seeing each other too often? It means different things to different people.  I would just give her twice the space she seems to need and don't do the needy /need reassurance texts, I agree.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[Andy2022]

25 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She cited her “rough breakup” as a reason to “take it slow”. This does not strike me as a person who has completely healed or put the past behind her or possibly acknowledged her own mistakes and poor choices, however many months have passed. 

Let her respond to you but don’t keep waiting forever. Your time is precious too.

not necessarily just because of the break up but partly, she lost trust in men, and also because of how busy she is with her work too

[Kwothe28]

Never assume that you are the only one at least in the first few months. You havent been talking to anyone, her maybe did. But OK, if you say its not maybe that, can maybe offer different explanation.

People that get out of bad relationships are very bad for commitment. Because they are either gotten used to bad dynamic of previous ones so cant handle normal dynamic or become afraid of commitment in general. So, the second they see it may become serious, they run. I am afraid that might happen here. No matter how she was willing, she put on the wall there and probably seeking a way out.

I would still wait for her answer. But if you feel that she is moving away, that is probably it.

[Andy2022]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Were you two exclusive?  If not anything can happen -she may have met someone else - and that's totally fine for her to do -or she may have reflected and changed her mind after a couple of dates which is highly typical -it's only been a handful of dates and "talking" isn't really the point when it comes to establishing an in person relationship.

If she wanted to go "slowly" -what does that mean -waiting for sex? Not talking or texting too often? Not seeing each other too often? It means different things to different people.  I would just give her twice the space she seems to need and don't do the needy /need reassurance texts, I agree.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.

We were exclusive, neither of us were dating or talking to anyone else, she deleted the dating App which we met on because she wasn't interested in talking to anyone else because of how much we hit it off. 

Yes she wanted to take it slowly (Including sex) because of some really bad things that had happened to her in the past, and without saying it directly....one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, she went through that in the past. I was completely supportive of whatever time she needed with regards to that and not pushy whatsoever. 

It was such a dramatic shift which confused me the most. 

 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

We were exclusive, neither of us were dating or talking to anyone else, she deleted the dating App which we met on because she wasn't interested in talking to anyone else because of how much we hit it off. 

Yes she wanted to take it slowly (Including sex) because of some really bad things that had happened to her in the past, and without saying it directly....one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, she went through that in the past. I was completely supportive of whatever time she needed with regards to that and not pushy whatsoever. 

It was such a dramatic shift which confused me the most. 

 

I'm sorry for what she went through. Hopefully she will let you know what is going on particularly since you agreed to be exclusive.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Andy2022 said:

I mean moving too fast in terms of what she said when we first started dating....she had a really rough break up in her last relationship and basically went completely off the idea of dating/relationships until we started dating. She has said on multiple occasions that she wants to take it slow otherwise she'd feel overwhelmed which I agreed with.

When was this?  Did things end soon before you got involved with her?  May be that she isn't all the ready to move on again...

Is almost too soon for the honeymoon phase to come to an end... where things taper off.. not so strong but still consistant enough.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Andy2022 said:

Yes she wanted to take it slowly (Including sex) because of some really bad things that had happened to her in the past, and without saying it directly....one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, she went through that in the past

She's not ready for a relationship and she is realizing this. She need a therapist, not a BF.

[Andy2022]

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

When was this?  Did things end soon before you got involved with her?  May be that she isn't all the ready to move on again...

Is almost too soon for the honeymoon phase to come to an end... where things taper off.. not so strong but still consistant enough.

 

her last relationship ended over a year ago which is quite a long time. We have been dating 5weeks and everything had been great, a lot of fun, getting to know one another, arranging dates and then a big shift in communcation from her

[Andy2022]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's not ready for a relationship and she is realizing this. She need a therapist, not a BF.

Maybe so, but like I mentioned previously, nothing had changed in terms of pushing things too quickly, we were going at a steady pace...enjoying each others company and dating, there was no talk of a relationship as I knew that would be far down the line...neither of us are in a rush. Everything was normal communcation and talking was good, plenty of fun/flirty talk face to face and over messages including the days after she picked me up from the airport and then one day it seemed to change

[SooSad33]

9 minutes ago, Andy2022 said:

her last relationship ended over a year ago which is quite a long time. We have been dating 5weeks and everything had been great, a lot of fun, getting to know one another, arranging dates and then a big shift in communcation from her

Okay, so over a year ago.. Was it long term?  If she's at all still lost & confused over her ex, she may not be ready to move on again, hence some distancing now.

Has been a cpl days no contact? I suggest you just give her a few more days, see IF she reaches out again.  She may just need a breather.

Sadly, some jump right into something then realize they can't do it 😕 .

 

[Andy2022]

39 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so over a year ago.. Was it long term?  If she's at all still lost & confused over her ex, she may not be ready to move on again, hence some distancing now.

Has been a cpl days no contact? I suggest you just give her a few more days, see IF she reaches out again.  She may just need a breather.

Sadly, some jump right into something then realize they can't do it 😕 .

 

Yes it was long term, they lived together etc... however he was abusive and manipulative, and she said many occasions she was relieved when It finally ended between them. so she then spent over a year focusing on herself etc.. 

 

Its been 2 days since no contact from her. although it doesnt sound like 2 days is a lot but when we've spoken everyday no stop for the past 5 weeks its strange and confusing.

 

I hope its not the latter as she was saying all the right things on how she'd like to see how things go between us and hoped it would lead to more eventually.

 

thank you