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Girls wants to meetup for drinks - should I do dinner?


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Guest Anonymous
1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Well no -you're not her parent-she can drink or stay and drink as she wishes.  I'd say "I have to go now but perhaps we can meet again."

I know it was a joke I tried to make just now 

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2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

You allowed it. Wrap it up after an hour or two and go home. Don't buy attention then complain.

Agree.

38 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

But that’s ok. Still learning.

Learning what? You could have easily avoided that situation but you walked headlong into it and made it even worse for yourself than you expected. She didn't hold you at gunpoint and demand your credit card. What exactly have you learned? To walk into a situation despite your better judgment, to let other people drag you around by the nose, and to continue to blame them for your own bad decision-making and lack of guts? It sounds like you've managed to teach yourself how not to learn.

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Guest Anonymous
20 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Agree.

Learning what? You could have easily avoided that situation but you walked headlong into it and made it even worse for yourself than you expected. She didn't hold you at gunpoint and demand your credit card. What exactly have you learned? To walk into a situation despite your better judgment, to let other people drag you around by the nose, and to continue to blame them for your own bad decision-making and lack of guts? It sounds like you've managed to teach yourself how not to learn.

I don’t find this helpful 

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Guest Anonymous
21 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Agree.

Learning what? You could have easily avoided that situation but you walked headlong into it and made it even worse for yourself than you expected. She didn't hold you at gunpoint and demand your credit card. What exactly have you learned? To walk into a situation despite your better judgment, to let other people drag you around by the nose, and to continue to blame them for your own bad decision-making and lack of guts? It sounds like you've managed to teach yourself how not to learn.

I think you should try and be more supportive and not criticizing and condescending it’s not appropriate at all 

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I'm sorry you don't find it helpful, but I'm not surprised. The last thing you seem to want to do is think about your own culpability in the trouble you find yourself in. You went into that date with a bad attitude and got exactly what you expected. Is that what you're after? To have your pessimistic predispositions confirmed?

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18 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry you don't find it helpful, but I'm not surprised. The last thing you seem to want to do is think about your own culpability in the trouble you find yourself in. You went into that date with a bad attitude and got exactly what you expected. Is that what you're after? To have your pessimistic predispositions confirmed?

Hey Jib!

 

I like you you know that, but you are being a bit hard on this young man don’t you think? 
 

Everyone makes mistakes - it’s quite awkward if you are with a stranger and they start reeling off what they want to a waiter to kind of… tell them sorry you’re can’t have that? I think most people would be thinking, rude! But just bite the bullet and think, not again! Not with that one! 
 

As waffle mentioned before as well, spending £100 on sushi is very fine and well, when you are buying it for yourself or friends or family to eat, but it becomes a different feeling if you were spending £100 - £200 weekly on sushi for a perfect stranger you will probably never see again!

 

This is fine and well if you have cash to burn, fly her to Paris if you want and spend all you like, but the average person, £100 is a lot for a date, and if a guy wants to go on a date a week it’s gonna add up, not to sound practical and unromantic about it. 
 

Coffee or a few drinks is perfect. You need to be able to talk and get to know each other.

 

My first date with my husband was early drinks in the afternoon. He had planned tickets to go see a local band (he later told me he never used them because it was his fall back plan where he wouldn’t have to talk too me if the date ended up going really badly!) 

 

The guy could fly in on a private jet but it doesn’t mean you should reach for the wine menu and start ordering bottles of vintage champagne. It’s just not polite etiquette. 
 

The money aspect is bothering the OP I take it and I think it would most men, that is probably why most men invite for drinks initially, because they don’t have the money to wine and dine every lady who might show a bit of interest, even if you do go Dutch. 
 

I kinda have a bit of sympathy here because I do get the feeling on dinner dates some women take advantage, knowing clearly they don’t have any interest in the guy and will never see him again. Maybe I’m being too soft here but y’know, it’s an awkward position to be put in, when things come down to money and strangers.

 

x

Edited by mylolita
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I think it’s best to establish beforehand to prevent a lot of issues. Then if the person starts ordering outlandishly expensive items say diplomatically “enjoy and that’s not really in my budget these days “. Or if the suggestion is made for another round or dessert say “no thanks I’m good”.  
to me inviting for drinks is a bad idea with a stranger who might order several rounds. Coffee is better. 

Edited by Batya33
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I never run a tab in these situations.  I pay each round individually.  That way no one can run up a big bill on my tab.  If someone wants lots of drinks they can order and pay for them themselves.

I had someone try that on me.  They didn't know I wasn't running a tab.  They ordered a bunch of drinks and then the server brought them the bill.   They actually said "Oh, you weren't running a tab?"  And I said "No, I never do".  And they said "I didn't bring any money!" and I said "Well, then maybe you shouldn't have ordered so many drinks!"  And I left.  I wonder what he ended up doing lol.  Not my problem.

So when you're meeting a stranger, do not run a tab.  Order your own drink and one for her and then pay the bill.  Problem solved.

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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I kinda have a bit of sympathy here because I do get the feeling on dinner dates some women take advantage, knowing clearly they don’t have any interest in the guy and will never see him again.

Yes, we differ!!

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7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, we differ!!

There is an increasing number of women who do what mylolita says. So much so that there is a scientific term for it: Foodie Call. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201909/the-psychology-the-foodie-call

Quote

 Foodie calls: When women date men for a free meal (rather than a relationship)

Its not some separate thing, it goes along whole spectrum, not just women to men, and its not preveilant. However, it does happen often enough. The idea is that traditional gender roles allow women to behave in a certain way. For example to expect dinner and a man to pay for it. And while before it included accepting dinner invitations from a man you are interested with, now in modern dating, it does not includes that. They go with "just some guy" without any intentions to date them seriously. Or even remorse. Because after all, they feel they deserve a nice dinner. It shows deceiving the other side, lack of empathy and sense of entiltement.

I am not saying that there isnt OPs, or any other men, fault in it. That is why lots of men today do "screenings". Meaning just a quick coffee or drinks and to see if you "click" and if there is a level of interest for later. Later you can go to proper dates. Even article suggests "changing strategies" if it happens to you often. Just that we cant exactly blame him for running into somebody who has taken him for a ride. It happens. Its just his responsability to not happen again. Live and learn, as they say.

I personally never had an issue. Even though my country is more traditional(meaning that men usually pay for first dates), most of my dates were OK. Even if I ended up paying for a drink or two at the date, it wasnt a big deal. There was one that half and hour before the date told me that she is bringing a friend. Didnt canceled because I was interested in what is going on. They ended up taking a sandwich and we drank a coffee all along. Turns out(I discovered later) that she reconciled with her ex of 6 years. But havent told me that and brought a friend along instead of just canceling. I didnt feel used because, hey, it wasnt a big bill and her intentions werent exactly to use me in that way. But if I ended up paying 100 dollars dinners a few times like OP, I would feel used too. Like, what am I? "Free Dinner" in a phonebook? It does take a clip of your wings. To think somebody is interested and that you are just being used. That is why coffee or just drinks are fine. Even if they are not interested, you have no feelings of being used. And if they are, they will be just as happy spending time with you over coffee. If they are dissapointed that there is no dinner involved, well, chances are you dodged quite a big bullet there. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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I never understood why it would be enjoyable to eat in the company of someone you're not that into.  I did meet a guy once -we went out a couple of times -nice person - who told me he liked taking women to fancy romantic restaurants because he didn't want to try them alone or with "the guys" so this way he could have a nice evening out and both would enjoy.

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11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is why coffee or just drinks are fine. Even if they are not interested, you have no feelings of being used. And if they are, they will be just as happy spending time with you over coffee. If they are dissapointed that there is no dinner involved, well, chances are you dodged quite a big bullet there.

Yup. Problem solved.

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15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

There is an increasing number of women who do what mylolita says. So much so that there is a scientific term for it: Foodie Call. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201909/the-psychology-the-foodie-call

Its not some separate thing, it goes along whole spectrum, not just women to men, and its not preveilant. However, it does happen often enough. The idea is that traditional gender roles allow women to behave in a certain way. For example to expect dinner and a man to pay for it. And while before it included accepting dinner invitations from a man you are interested with, now in modern dating, it does not includes that. They go with "just some guy" without any intentions to date them seriously. Or even remorse. Because after all, they feel they deserve a nice dinner. It shows deceiving the other side, lack of empathy and sense of entiltement.

I am not saying that there isnt OPs, or any other men, fault in it. That is why lots of men today do "screenings". Meaning just a quick coffee or drinks and to see if you "click" and if there is a level of interest for later. Later you can go to proper dates. Even article suggests "changing strategies" if it happens to you often. Just that we cant exactly blame him for running into somebody who has taken him for a ride. It happens. Its just his responsability to not happen again. Live and learn, as they say.

I personally never had an issue. Even though my country is more traditional(meaning that men usually pay for first dates), most of my dates were OK. Even if I ended up paying for a drink or two at the date, it wasnt a big deal. There was one that half and hour before the date told me that she is bringing a friend. Didnt canceled because I was interested in what is going on. They ended up taking a sandwich and we drank a coffee all along. Turns out(I discovered later) that she reconciled with her ex of 6 years. But havent told me that and brought a friend along instead of just canceling. I didnt feel used because, hey, it wasnt a big bill and her intentions werent exactly to use me in that way. But if I ended up paying 100 dollars dinners a few times like OP, I would feel used too. Like, what am I? "Free Dinner" in a phonebook? It does take a clip of your wings. To think somebody is interested and that you are just being used. That is why coffee or just drinks are fine. Even if they are not interested, you have no feelings of being used. And if they are, they will be just as happy spending time with you over coffee. If they are dissapointed that there is no dinner involved, well, chances are you dodged quite a big bullet there. 

Like a booty call but a foodie call?

 

🤣 I had never heard of this Kwothe! Wow, you learn something new everyday! 

 

Poor OP, sorry Anon, I wish you the best of luck in the dating arena. Don’t let anyone take you for a ride! (Unless it is the good kind) 🤣 

 

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8 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Like a booty call but a foodie call?

 

Yes lol 

Even read a separate research that suggested evolutionary component in that. And how men take advantage of "commodity" their own ancestors didnt have- sex. While women take advantage of commodity their female ancestors lacked- food. 😂

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On 2/13/2022 at 9:16 PM, waffle said:

Hell I dropped $95 for sushi on Friday night, no drinks, and thought nothing of it.  So honestly if the bill for dinner and "expensive" (how expensive could it have been?  Probably wasn't Boone's Farm but couldn't have been even $20 per bottle) wine was $75 . . . I'm not seeing the problem.  Yeah yeah I know, there was "no chemistry" so you didn't get a good return on the $75 investment, but you cannot buy chemistry.

I'll say it again--forget dating and get the Jaguar.

Whiny men are unattractive.  I said what I said.

Are you in the real world with the rest of us?

There has been a pandemic going on for over 2 years now. It's caused a lot of major financial stress for a huge amount of people from every walk of life.

That's still going on.

Lots of people don't even know where their next meal is coming from, or how to pay their bills, never mind a Jaguar! 

You dropped $95 dollars and didn't think anything of it...well goody for you! But not everyone has that luxury and actually the majority don't.

So please put your criticizing finger away and have some tolerance and empathy where you can realize lots of people are still looking for love, but don't have a lot of money to throw away carelessly like you do!!

Honestly, why does a grown adult have to be told this?!?

 

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1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes lol 

Even read a separate research that suggested evolutionary component in that. And how men take advantage of "commodity" their own ancestors didnt have- sex. While women take advantage of commodity their female ancestors lacked- food. 😂

This is so true, and in our dna abs biology! I can see where the article is coming from! Just browsed it now!

 

Well, now we know! 🤣

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On 2/13/2022 at 9:16 PM, waffle said:

Whiny men are unattractive.  I said what I said.

And just because you "said what you said"...doesn't mean you're right, or that you're not being a bit of a jerk.

This gentleman is asking for guidance, what gives you the right to put him down?

Edited by SherrySher
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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I did meet a guy once -we went out a couple of times -nice person - who told me he liked taking women to fancy romantic restaurants because he didn't want to try them alone or with "the guys" so this way he could have a nice evening out and both would enjoy.

That sounds like a good food-friend to have!

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29 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That sounds like a good food-friend to have!

LOL right? I was in my 20s and he was a few years older -I couldn't afford where he wanted to go and sort of mentioned that -so he told me his treat and he liked having a date to be able to try all these fancy places -that was the context - I mean the way he put it wasn't like he was "using me" to be a foodie lol.

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I had some experiences where the man expected me to have sex with him in exchange for a meal or even just one drink.  One man (a stranger) actually told me he expected me to "put out" because he'd bought me ONE drink (that I didn't ask for...he just told the bartender to send it to my table).  He actually got angry and shouted at me that I "owed" him "kitty" for that one drink.

So it goes both ways for some acquisitive people.

Simple coffee meetups are an excellent way to weed out the undesirables.

Edited by boltnrun
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I agree with many here.  Coffee on the first date, enjoy getting acquainted, enjoy a good conversation and observe a lot.  You will know if this person is worth future dates which can include a nice lunch or dinner.  If money is an issue, make an agreement for both parties to pay for their own beverages and food. 

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I had some experiences where the man expected me to have sex with him in exchange for a meal or even just one drink.  One man (a stranger) actually told me he expected me to "put out" because he'd bought me ONE drink (that I didn't ask for...he just told the bartender to send it to my table).  He actually got angry and shouted at me that I "owed" him "kitty" for that one drink.

So it goes both ways for some acquisitive people.

Simple coffee meetups are an excellent way to weed out the undesirables.

Oh my God!
 

What a creep bolt! 
 

Was it a good drink? 🤣

 

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