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My ex (of 5 years ago) mom passed away. Is it appropriate for me to still attend?


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My ex and I are in good terms. As both of us are in relationships. We aren’t best friends but we still keep tabs on each other through social media. His mom was always so sweet to me and welcoming. I really have been contemplating on just sending flowers or if to attend the viewing?. My mom tells me that I should but my sisters are telling me absolutely not. I have no clue on what to do. 

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Hi Natalie,

Provided that you are in good terms as you mentioned, sending a modest flower arrangement is a nice gesture which surely he and his family will appreciate.

As for attending the viewing, I'm not sure whether it's appropriate to go or not. It's so personal. Can anyone who knew him attend the viewing or would they prefer that only close family members were present?

 

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23 minutes ago, greendots said:

Hi Natalie,

Provided that you are in good terms as you mentioned, sending a modest flower arrangement is a nice gesture which surely he and his family will appreciate.

As for attending the viewing, I'm not sure whether it's appropriate to go or not. It's so personal. Can anyone who knew him attend the viewing or would they prefer that only close family members were present?

 

Hello, Yes, from my understanding he is sending the flyer out to anyone who asked. I did originally ask to at least send an arrangement but I’m not sure if I should go now

Edited by Natalie2894
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9 hours ago, Natalie2894 said:

His mom was always so sweet to me and welcoming. I really have been contemplating on just sending flowers or if to attend the viewing?

I think whatever you choose to do is fine. It's a personal choice based on your relationship. I went to my ex boyfriend's mom's funeral--with my mom! His other ex girlfriend was there, too. The earth did not explode. The walls did not come crashing down around us. Newspapers did not publish reports of our terrible faux-pas. We were all there to support him, and that was ok.

Edited by Jibralta
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10 hours ago, Natalie2894 said:

. As both of us are in relationships. 

What does your BF think? I don't think funerals are an appropriate place to resurface. It's rude to his GF and family.

You are not part of the family. You're not a GF. You're a distant ex who remained social media friends.

Send a discreet appropriate card. Do not draw attention to yourself with flowers. It's not about you.

The mourning is for him and his friends and family, including his current GF. Ask yourself why you want to inject yourself into this under such unfortunate circumstances.

Would you want your BFs ex at your loved ones funeral?

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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10 hours ago, Natalie2894 said:

My ex and I are in good terms. As both of us are in relationships. We aren’t best friends but we still keep tabs on each other through social media. His mom was always so sweet to me and welcoming. I really have been contemplating on just sending flowers or if to attend the viewing?. My mom tells me that I should but my sisters are telling me absolutely not. I have no clue on what to do. 

No but if you want make a contribution to the suggested charity in her memory (meaning spend money spent on an arrangement on that charity -is my personal suggestion -your $ is so much more meaningful that way) but have the notification sent to someone other than your ex. Unless you're close with his partner and it would be ok with her. My ex's parents have passed away and we were really close.  Since he didn't tell me specifically I didn't reach out to him because I didn't want to risk looking inappropriate in front of his wife.  But had he I would have made a donation (and would still if he reached out now). It's not ok to show up on a day like that -let him be with his family and close friends with no risk of the distraction you would cause.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does your BF think? I don't think funerals are an appropriate place to resurface. It's rude to his GF and family.

You are not part of the family. You're not a GF. You're a distant ex who remained social media friends.

Send a discreet appropriate card. Do not draw attention to yourself with flowers. It's not about you.

The mourning is for him and his friends and family, including his current GF. Ask yourself why you want to inject yourself into this under such unfortunate circumstances.

Would you want your BFs ex at your loved ones funeral?

 

I don’t think I’m part of the family but it was more so to show my last respects to his mother. I was around/lived with them for over 6 years as opposed to his ex he’s been dating for a few months. I cried for his mom when I found out. It hit home way more than I expected. I’m guessing because I really experienced her on a deeper level when I live with them. Personally I wouldn’t mind if my bf went to an ex’s funeral but I understand how that it can also be a tricky situation and not everyone would feel comfortable with it. However I’ve came to the conclusion I’m just not going to attend

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Unless you were super close or family friends, no, just no. You can send flowers or even say your condolences if you bump into him later. 

You are not a dear friend, with all respect, you are just an ex that once in a while sends "How are you doing?". Your presence there is not really necessery. I am sorry but just really isnt. As others said, pay your respect in different way if you want.

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14 hours ago, Natalie2894 said:

My ex and I are in good terms. As both of us are in relationships. We aren’t best friends but we still keep tabs on each other through social media. His mom was always so sweet to me and welcoming. I really have been contemplating on just sending flowers or if to attend the viewing?. My mom tells me that I should but my sisters are telling me absolutely not. I have no clue on what to do. 

Send flowers, but don't attend. It's not your place and it will make it awkward for everyone.

I put it down to this as rule of thumb, if you haven't seen that person in over a year and haven't spoken or messaged in over a year, then no...it's not your place to now walk into their funeral.

Memories of that person is a really nice thing to hold onto, and showing respect to the family should come in the form of a card, or even flowers.

But a funeral should be more for those who have kept in touch and are still close to that person. 

Edited by SherrySher
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3 hours ago, Natalie2894 said:

I was around/lived with them for over 6 years as opposed to his ex he’s been dating for a few months.  I’ve came to the conclusion I’m just not going to attend

It's none of your business to judge his  current relationship and believe yours was more special or important. You need to respect him and his GF and his new life away from you.

His mother is gone, so the services and grieving is for him, his loved ones, friends and family. You are out of the picture and need to stay out. Don't use this sad event to barge in on him and his GF. 

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4 hours ago, Natalie2894 said:

I was around/lived with them for over 6 years as opposed to his ex he’s been dating for a few months.

I'm really sorry for your loss.  I get it.  But for all you know your ex's partner is already part of the family and they may be very serious.  It's not always about time spent.

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It's been 5 years now.  You two haven't been involved in a long while.

Yes, he's moved on and as mentioned, doesn't matter how long he's been involved with other's since.  It's not you.

I agree, is fine to send condolences, and/ or flowers. I suggest you do not attend.

I know if it were me and I was made aware of my ex's parent passing, I would not attend, but would send my condolences.

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I FB message one of my mine when his mom passed away recently.  He was floored, but grateful.  Even though we are exes, I still really care about him, unlike the rest of my exes.  I loved his mom too.

I told him I really wanted to go to the wake, but thought it'd be weird, but he said, it wouldn't have been at all.  If you had an impactive relationship with the mom and still care about the ex, then go like he's a friend.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's none of your business to judge his  current relationship and believe yours was more special or important. You need to respect him and his GF and his new life away from you.

His mother is gone, so the services and grieving is for him, his loved ones, friends and family. You are out of the picture and need to stay out. Don't use this sad event to barge in on him and his GF. 

I think you’re confusing it for me wanting to get with him. I hope the best for him and his gf and I’m not downplaying their relationship. It’s more so for the mother that I had YEARS of knowing and admiring on a personal level. Idk who hurt you but you are taking this too personal as if I’m trying to interfere in their relationship. 

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4 hours ago, Natalie2894 said:

I think you’re confusing it for me wanting to get with him. I hope the best for him and his gf and I’m not downplaying their relationship. It’s more so for the mother that I had YEARS of knowing and admiring on a personal level. Idk who hurt you but you are taking this too personal as if I’m trying to interfere in their relationship. 

You're not.  But it may give the appearance that you're up to no good.  Therefore it's best not to go because -in memory of his mother -and to honor her -you wouldn't want his family to feel awkward with you there or his partner, right?

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Is it possible you want to reassure yourself that your relationship with him was a significant one? Do you also want to reassure yourself that you were important to his mother, perhaps more important than his current girlfriend?

It's not like that at all when someone passes away. It's no longer about who they loved "more" or who was more important to the person who died. It's about grieving and learning to live without having that person physically present.

I think your ex's family would appreciate a nice card, addressed to the whole family not just your ex. It would come across as kind and thoughtful.

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