I am interested in a popular and highly attractive guy at my college

[Joanna-02]

1 minute ago, mical said:

Easiest is to sit close by him and say you won’t be at next class and if he could send you the notes, then give your contact details…

If he does a good job you can say thanks and that you owe him a drink / coffee in return 

Then later you can always suggest studying together.

 

 

 

Thanks, I might try that. ^-^

It would be great if I found some environment where we could have that drink by ourselves, in a romantic setting.
I do know a place at our school where they have a cafeteria with several very comfortable couches, and where there are very few people later during the days, so that feels like it could be a great environment.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Joanna-02 said:

Thanks, I might try that. ^-^

It would be great if I found some environment where we could have that drink by ourselves, in a romantic setting.
I do know a place at our school where they have a cafeteria with several very comfortable couches, and where there are very few people later during the days, so that feels like it could be a great environment.

Why do you want a romantic setting with someone you don't know at all? I mean sure if he invites you out on a date he plans and he chooses a romantic restaurant -that's really nice - but do you really want the focus of getting to know him being on romance?  If you invite him to sit next to you on a couch the impression will be that you are open to hooking up not dating him.  

Here is my suggestion -if you have mostly a strong physical attraction to him because of his looks then I'd balance the risks/benefits of a fun fling -not sex -I mean dancing, flirting, maybe a kiss.  As long as that wouldn't trigger you getting all attached to him.  I think it's highly unlikely that he will be interested in dating you exclusively and put in the effort to discourage other women from flirting with him/coming on to him. 

I would feel differently if you actually had something very significant in common -like you were both actors or back stage crew in the same school production, or you played a sport together, like that.  And if you'd gotten to know him as a whole person already despite having a strong physical attraction. 

Or -if he was a shy guy who stayed off to himself and there was something about him you were sparked by -then I could see you approaching him and striking up a conversation. He will know right away how heavily your interest in him is on his looks.  Like all the other gals.  I don't see him picking you to be his person in this situation.  I do see you getting embarrassed and hurt if you lure him to some quiet "romantic" place on campus.  

[Joanna-02]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you want a romantic setting with someone you don't know at all? I mean sure if he invites you out on a date he plans and he chooses a romantic restaurant -that's really nice - but do you really want the focus of getting to know him being on romance?  If you invite him to sit next to you on a couch the impression will be that you are open to hooking up not dating him.  

Here is my suggestion -if you have mostly a strong physical attraction to him because of his looks then I'd balance the risks/benefits of a fun fling -not sex -I mean dancing, flirting, maybe a kiss.  As long as that wouldn't trigger you getting all attached to him.  I think it's highly unlikely that he will be interested in dating you exclusively and put in the effort to discourage other women from flirting with him/coming on to him. 

I would feel differently if you actually had something very significant in common -like you were both actors or back stage crew in the same school production, or you played a sport together, like that.  And if you'd gotten to know him as a whole person already despite having a strong physical attraction. 

Or -if he was a shy guy who stayed off to himself and there was something about him you were sparked by -then I could see you approaching him and striking up a conversation. He will know right away how heavily your interest in him is on his looks.  Like all the other gals.  I don't see him picking you to be his person in this situation.  I do see you getting embarrassed and hurt if you lure him to some quiet "romantic" place on campus.  

Well, that is true.
If I am too eager to get physical with him, then I guess I will be just another girl who he has a short hook-up with and then dumps.

My impression so far has been that girls are mostly interested in his looks, and that they are more focused on flirting with him so that they get an opportunity to have sex with him.
So I should probably approach him a bit differently than all those girls if I don't want to become a temporary hook-up for him.

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, Joanna-02 said:

Well, that is true.
If I am too eager to get physical with him, then I guess I will be just another girl who he has a short hook-up with and then dumps.

My impression so far has been that girls are mostly interested in his looks, and that they are more focused on flirting with him so that they get an opportunity to have sex with him.
So I should probably approach him a bit differently than all those girls if I don't want to become a temporary hook-up for him.

It sounds like you're mostly interested in his looks.  How much of this is the challenge of winning him over?

[Joanna-02]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like you're mostly interested in his looks.  How much of this is the challenge of winning him over?

At the moment it is mostly looks, and so far I haven't quite decided if I am aiming for a hook-up or for something more serious.
But hook-ups seem tricky, since he seems to have casual hook-ups with various girls pretty frequently.

If I end up feeling only physical attraction for him, then it would of course be great if I could feel sure that he was open for meeting me for that reason somewhat regularly, but I have a feeling that he might be the type who switches girls a lot;
or maybe he has regular hook-ups with a specific number of girls, and in that case I am not so sure if I want to just be one of them.

[Andrina]

If he's that good looking and charming, if he'd wanted a longterm girlfriend, after all his options and takers, he would already be in a relationship.

And if you've seen particular women you assume he's hooking up, if you did that, other's on campus would know the same of you. I probably wouldn't want that info out there if there was actually another, better candidate for dating on campus, yet he's turned off because you were just one among the harem for Mr. Popular.

Actually, I set my sights on someone similar when I was in community college, although I didn't see signs he was sleeping with anyone. I went and sat by him in the one class we shared at the beginning of the semester. He talked to me first, and we became classroom friends. I did offer to give him a ride and dropped him off at his apartment one day because I was going to my friends house and it was on the way. But when he never asked me out over time, I lost interest. He tried to ask for a ride a few more times but I wasn't going to my friends house those days and felt like he was using me, so I let him fade away.

Even if you did date him, it's extremely doubtful he's going to be a stop sign up when other women come to flirt. Do you really want to deal with this when there are so many other guys around to date without this issue?

[Joanna-02]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If he's that good looking and charming, if he'd wanted a longterm girlfriend, after all his options and takers, he would already be in a relationship.

And if you've seen particular women you assume he's hooking up, if you did that, other's on campus would know the same of you. I probably wouldn't want that info out there if there was actually another, better candidate for dating on campus, yet he's turned off because you were just one among the harem for Mr. Popular.

Actually, I set my sights on someone similar when I was in community college, although I didn't see signs he was sleeping with anyone. I went and sat by him in the one class we shared at the beginning of the semester. He talked to me first, and we became classroom friends. I did offer to give him a ride and dropped him off at his apartment one day because I was going to my friends house and it was on the way. But when he never asked me out over time, I lost interest. He tried to ask for a ride a few more times but I wasn't going to my friends house those days and felt like he was using me, so I let him fade away.

Even if you did date him, it's extremely doubtful he's going to be a stop sign up when other women come to flirt. Do you really want to deal with this when there are so many other guys around to date without this issue?

I am not quite sure yet what to do about this.
On one hand, I feel like I would really regret if I never tried to approach him, but on the other hand, I feel like there is a big risk that I will eventually end up really falling for him and then getting dumped.
But I guess it is better if I give it a try, so that I don't need to wonder what would have happened otherwise, even though it might be very risky.
I will see what I will do tomorrow.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Joanna-02 said:

 I should probably approach him a bit differently than all those girls if I don't want to become a temporary hook-up for him.

You seem to have quite a crush and at the same time a lot of sour grapes thinking. Do you think he's out of your league? 

What do you mean by "those girls"? Are you jealous of them and therefore imagine they're promiscuous.

You seem to lack self confidence and the ability to relate to and understand people.

You seem fascinated with and contemptuous of him at the same time.

You realize this has nothing to do with him or "those girls". 

It has to do with trouble adjusting to school and socializing appropriately.

Talk to a trusted adult or your parents. Ask them to help you participate in school socializing in a healthier less hostile manner.

Date boys who are actually interested in you rather than standing on the sidelines gawking at this one guy seething with envy that other girls are getting his attention.

[Rose Mosse]

Why don’t you just ask him out? 

If he says no, date someone else. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Joanna-02 said:

At the moment it is mostly looks, and so far I haven't quite decided if I am aiming for a hook-up or for something more serious.
But hook-ups seem tricky, since he seems to have casual hook-ups with various girls pretty frequently.

You're risking STDs as well as pregnancy if you hook up -is that really worth it just for a pretty face?  Why would you regret not chasing a hot guy? He's obviously not shy -don't you think if he saw you as someone he'd like to take out on a proper date he would approach you?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why don’t you just ask him out? 

If he says no, date someone else. 

My strong sense is in this particular situation he might say yes but she will not be the woman he chooses to date or have more than a fling with if she asks him out on a date.  In this particular situation - meaning nothing wrong with asking men out as a rule.  Also because she has all these notions of winning him over and having romance with him - so if she asks him out she's chasing him and being very forward (again in this particular set of circumstances) so she won't have her goal of winning over the hot guy everyone else wants.

[Betterwithout]

hmmm.   Joanna...in your heart do YOU want a relationship?
The reason I ask is...

Do you think a good looking guy in his early twenties with lots of women attention looking to be in a relationship at this stage in his life?
Even if he's not a player type looking to brag on how many women he's slept with, maybe a relationship isn't in the cards anyhow.

 

[greendots]

Joanna, you're jumping the gun. What's all this talk about what might possibly happen when you haven't even spoken to him? Also, what's with all these assumptions about why he doesn't seem to be dating any of your female peers and whatnot? Best to let go of that.

A great way to get to know someone is to actually talk to them. See if he's keen on having a conversation with you. Then, take it from there.

🙂

[Rose Mosse]

29 minutes ago, greendots said:

Joanna, you're jumping the gun. What's all this talk about what might possibly happen when you haven't even spoken to him? Also, what's with all these assumptions about why he doesn't seem to be dating any of your female peers and whatnot? Best to let go of that.

A great way to get to know someone is to actually talk to them. See if he's keen on having a conversation with you. Then, take it from there.

🙂

I agree with this. 

Do not make assumptions before you’ve spoken to someone or build up ideas to yourself about someone’s character. 

OP: Talking with him or asking him out will dispel any myths about who he is or what he’s about. You don’t even know the guy. Who knows. You may find he’s not someone you’d rather date or go out with at all. He may turn out to be a great friend or buddy, or someone you have nothing in common with and move on. You’re in college. Make friends and have fun. 

[SherrySher]

On 2/8/2022 at 4:50 PM, Joanna-02 said:

My college returned to normal for the most part a few weeks ago, with regular lectures, and I have noticed a boy in my college class who is drop-dead gorgeous - he honestly looks like an extra attractive supermodel, so it is very hard to avoid staring at him.
The problem is, all other girls seem to feel that same way about him (he is about 6'5 and muscular, and has short dark hair, and that type of look seems very popular among girls at my school, including myself), so it is very hard for me to find a chance to talk to him in peace.
He always seems to get approached by girls out of nowhere, and those girls will often try to suggest a date or get to know him, and ask him if he wants to meet at the weekends or take a walk in a park and things like that.

I have tried to give him a bit of a hint on a few occasions by making tender eye contact with him from a distance for as long as I dare and smiling a little bit;
however, I don't think that he will end up making the first move, since he gets lots of spontaneous attention from more forward girls.
I have noticed that he has given me the eye a bit on a few quick occasions when I have passed him - I often hear that I am cute and pretty, so hopefully he thinks the same way about me.

The two main things that intimidate me from flirting with him are partly that he his looks make me feel... inadequate (like I feel that I have to be as pretty as possible to measure up to him, since he is VERY attractive), and I also feel that there is a huge risk that I will get rejected, or that he will dump me very quickly for another girl, but I try to prepare myself for that.
He does seem to enjoy all the attention from the other girls a lot, but he doesn't seem arrogant, and he hasn't struck me as a player type or anything yet, so that seems like good signs, but I am not sure where to start with him.

Serious question: Joanna, why do you feel a man is a good choice for a partner based mostly on looks?

Perhaps it's my experience in life, but looks should not be placed so high like this when determining whether someone is a good match with you, or whether they'll be a good partner to you.

In fact looks can mess things up where someone places far too much value on a face rather than on their heart and on their soul, personality, morals, compatibility, etc.

I realize all of you are young, and so you're going with what stands out the most, someone's face, but in time you'll learn that it's a very poor marker when trying to find a good man.

Is he respectful? Loyal? Kind? Responsible? Mature? Honest? Does he have good values? Do they match up with yours?

These are only a few questions to be asking, when trying to find a boyfriend.

Don't be swayed by what someone looks like on the outside.

You'll miss out on a lot of good people by doing that.

As for this guy? If you and he happen to ever actually go on a date, expect that he's going to have girls all over him, like he does now.

Do you want to date someone who has that going on? Cause the women won't stop.

The fact that you feel he won't make the first move because women are "throwing themselves at him"..is not a good sign either.

He should still be a humble man who respects a woman enough that if he likes her, he will ask for a date and not expect his feet to be kissed.

Also the fact that you feel inadequate around him, is also not a good sign of a match.

No one should ever make you feel less than in any respect, and if they do...they're not the right one for you.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Serious question: Joanna, why do you feel a man is a good choice for a partner based mostly on looks?

She also mentioned she may just want to hook up with him.  

[Joanna-02]

I have decided that I will probably not bother approaching him after all.
I did make brief eye contact with him yesterday, and smiled a bit at him, but even this seemed to make some girls next to him give me some disapprocing looks.
Not very long, but just enough so that I could feel that they didn't like it, and then he completely forgot about me.

I have also been warned by a classmate who knows him a little bit that he does sleep around a whole lot, and that he constantly has a ton of admirers who compete for his attention in various subtle or not-so-subtle ways, and try to sleep with him.
It seems like it would be very stressful to develop any kind of deeper connection with him if he has this constant aggressive attention from a bunch of pretty girls, and apparently sleeps with one girl after another.

It's a bit frustrating, but I feel like it is probably the best decision.
I have started to get used to his looks now though, so it isn't an overwhelming physical temptation or anything like that. 😛

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Joanna-02 said:

Not very long, but just enough so that I could feel that they didn't like it, and then he completely forgot about me.

He didn't forget about you -you two are strangers - he stopped glancing over at you.  He simply was noticing what you looked like from a distance -you have no idea why. You read into it because you were into him. Your friend is nice to tell you that information.

[catfeeder]

On 2/8/2022 at 6:45 PM, mylolita said:

This may be an unpopular suggestions but - I would do absolutely nothing. Nothing but look amazing, be yourself, do whatever you do, speaking up in class, enjoying the things you enjoy to do, have your own interests… all these girls throwing themselves at him, it’s a bit desperate

Yep... this was always my approach in school. I stood out as the one girl who didn't trip all over herself (and everyone else) to get to him, and eventually, he would find his way to approach me. Maybe not in class, but our paths would cross at some point, and he would orchestrate the connection.

I don't advocate the damsel in distress thing--it's obvious and, well obvious.

And once you do it, you can't take it back.

 

[Joanna-02]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep... this was always my approach in school. I stood out as the one girl who didn't trip all over herself (and everyone else) to get to him, and eventually, he would find his way to approach me. Maybe not in class, but our paths would cross at some point, and he would orchestrate the connection.

I don't advocate the damsel in distress thing--it's obvious and, well obvious.

And once you do it, you can't take it back.

 

I have stopped thinking about trying to approach him, and have decided to focus on other things.
It doesn't seem all that tempting anymore to date someone who has all these girls aggressively chasing him.

I was just wondering, out of curiosity - how common is it that an attractive guy gets treated like this to this degree?
Because this man attracts the other girls so much that he can literally do nothing at all, and simply say yes to dates - he can even look quite indifferent and only give short answers when they speak to him, and those girls will still make sure to carry on the conversation, or jump straight to asking him out, without ever losing interest in him at all.
I have seen girls sit close next to him and compliment him on his eyes and arms, and one girl asking him to tell her how she looked in some new leggings and turning around for him (and thus basically asking him to look at her body), and a couple girls have walked up to him and sat down on his lap on individual occasions before they even asked for his name, and he looked a bit surprised by that.

I feel like this is probably something that only happens to guys who are unusually attractive, so that they are like one-in-a-million level or something like that.
I don't think I have ever seen anything quite like this, and it is a bit intriguing.

[greendots]

26 minutes ago, Joanna-02 said:

I have stopped thinking about trying to approach him, and have decided to focus on other things.
It doesn't seem all that tempting anymore to date someone who has all these girls aggressively chasing him.

I was just wondering, out of curiosity - how common is it that an attractive guy gets treated like this to this degree?

Why are you assuming so much about a guy you haven't even spoken to?! Heaps of girls may be after him, that doesn't mean he gives two hoots about them. He may have flings or ONS but that doesn't mean he wouldn't pursue a relationship with the right one.

Honestly, if you want to know more about him, talking to him is your best bet.

[Joanna-02]

7 minutes ago, greendots said:

Why are you assuming so much about a guy you haven't even spoken to?! Heaps of girls may be after him, that doesn't mean he gives two hoots about them. He may have flings or ONS but that doesn't mean he wouldn't pursue a relationship with the right one.

Honestly, if you want to know more about him, talking to him is your best bet.

I wasn't really thinking about how he acted, i was just a bit curious how common it is that a guy who is considered enormously attractive by girls causes those girls to act like this just from his looks, whether he likes it or not.
I cannot remember noticing this kind of behaviour to this extent for any other guys that I have been aware of.

[greendots]

58 minutes ago, Joanna-02 said:

I wasn't really thinking about how he acted, i was just a bit curious how common it is that a guy who is considered enormously attractive by girls causes those girls to act like this just from his looks, whether he likes it or not.
I cannot remember noticing this kind of behaviour to this extent for any other guys that I have been aware of.

I've seen plenty of females being drawn to many men who are attractive, confident and have a pleasant demeanor.

Think of how fans behave when a good-looking and charming male celebrity is standing near them. They are throwing themselves at him because he's like the perfect romcom character. They idealize him.

Seriously, how many of these women make an effort to actually get to know the attractive guy?

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Joanna-02 said:

I feel like this is probably something that only happens to guys who are unusually attractive.

Stop looking down on other girls. Jealousy and cattiness is very unattractive. Maybe that's why he won't even look your way.

You are as obsessed with him as they may be it's just that he's not interested in you.

You're describing just about everyone else as promiscuous while you stand on the sidelines like a wallflower seething with envy and faux superiority.

Some counseling about self esteem and respect for others would help you in the future.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Joanna-02 said:

I was just wondering, out of curiosity - how common is it that an attractive guy gets treated like this to this degree?
Because this man attracts the other girls so much that he can literally do nothing at all, and simply say yes to dates - he can even look quite indifferent and only give short answers when they speak to him, and those girls will still make sure to carry on the conversation, or jump straight to asking him out, without ever losing interest in him at all.
I have seen girls sit close next to him and compliment him on his eyes and arms, and one girl asking him to tell her how she looked in some new leggings and turning around for him (and thus basically asking him to look at her body), and a couple girls have walked up to him and sat down on his lap on individual occasions before they even asked for his name, and he looked a bit surprised by that.

I feel like this is probably something that only happens to guys who are unusually attractive, so that they are like one-in-a-million level or something like that.
I don't think I have ever seen anything quite like this, and it is a bit intriguing.

It's common but there's a faulty assumption you're making.  You're assuming they are interested in him as a person.  Some might be.  Most are not.  They really can't be as  they do not know him and most don't care to know him as a person.  All he's getting is attention because of his physical features.  Maybe he likes that.  Totally fine if he does.  I liked that sort of attention when I was a  teenager.  A lot.  

On Halloween in the mid 90s it was my future husband's first day of work.  It was my 40th or so.  We were in our late 20s.  I knew a bit about him as they provided us with info on the new employees and we were invited to a breakfast to greet them in a huge conference room. 

I saw him -he knew no one as he'd started on an off day.  He was short.  He was slim but not built.  I was dating someone I was really into and I felt a bit sorry for him standing by himself.  Also I knew we'd grown up a couple of miles from each other. 

So I crossed the crowded room. I greeted him.  I was genuinely interested in welcoming him, in telling him I was new as well, in telling him I was from a nearby town.  I was interested in him as a person.  I wasn't romantically interested.  We spoke for a couple of minutes. No mention made of his looks or mine.  Just chatted and I made him feel more comfortable in that crowded room (he was also quite shy).  

We didn't work together.  I can tell you no other women we worked with except one who was a ridiculously major flirt paid him attention like that.  We saw each other at company events a couple of times. We spoke -again focused on genuine interest in the other as a person.  Over that summer - 9 months later -he asked me out for lunch.  

My point is. Not that you go for someone who doesn't look conventionally hot and not that you should settle for "short" if you strongly prefer tall (I didn't). But I spoke with him on those occasions because I found him interesting to talk to . That's what he took away and he was relationship minded, and family minded, and marriage minded.  Yes he thought I was attractive and cute but our conversations were not about that.  And that is why we had the beginnings of a healthful relationship.

Yes, marriages can start from white hot chemistry/heat because both think the other is hot and  they have sex that night.  Of course.  But you're assuming that this guy is getting attention that is positive - why is it positive to get chased because of what you look like?  Is that what you would want? 

Do you want to be with a guy who basks in the attention of women chasing him because of what he looks like? Will you feel like you accomplished something -you won a prize of some sort? Or do you want to pursue a relationship with someone you find attractive but also interesting, intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, inspiring? 

Consider it and maybe shift your focus away on "wow is this typical for someone who looks like that to get alllll that attention??"  Yes it is.  So what?