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Is it possible to change you personality in order to improve the relationships


score123
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Hey!

I hope you are doing alright!

I was just wondering, lately I feel like I know more myself, as I am working on this, and the big question is: is it possible for your personality to change at an adult age? Around your late twenties?

The thing is I am very intelligent, achieved big things in my life actually, having an independent life of my own, which I enjoy, a lot of activities right now, but I think somehow, when I look back I may have had better relationships with people. I think I lack some emotional intelligence here, as I have low self esteem, and everything would be easier if I get to be more egoistic, more self centered and confident. So, I have realized I could do even greater things, I have a lot of potential, but somehow I also have a lot of fear. I think my personality type according to enneagram is Pacific Lamb, I would like to know if is it possible to work on it, for improving somehow the negative things this type of personality has, and make my life easier, and enjoy it more. Sometimes I feel like I am living always surrounded by fear, low self-esteem, not enjoying life at its 100percent... So, physical activities here haven't helped a lot, as I participate in a lot of them, and I have a very good job. I was thinking about reading books that could help on this and listen to educational videos, what do you think, is it possible to make changes to your personality?

 

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27 minutes ago, score123 said:

more egoistic, more self centered

These are not positive traits.

If you mean more self confident, that would be positive. 

Yes, books are a good idea. I don't have any suggestions but perhaps some of the other members here have some good recommendations.

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To answer your general question - absolutely it's possible to work and change traits of your personality that you don't like. However, that is not an easy task. Your core personality is something that you are born with - meaning how you react to the world around you instinctively. However, you do have quite a bit of control in terms of your ability to modify those instincts and learn tools on how to get past them. After all, courage is nothing more than learning how to overcome your fear.

As for specifics, there is no one right way for any person. You have to experiment and figure out what works for you. Reading various books can give you some ideas on what to try. Ultimately, it may be a combination of different approaches. A mix and match, if you will.

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Yes for sure.  Putting yourself first above all others is not part of a personality though.  It's a choice in specific situations.  I make that choice with my son -partly for my sanity and partly to role model for him that people have boundaries and can appropriately choose to take space, take time for themselves even if they are "needed" by someone else.

I actually think people get what they want just as often by acting in collaborative, cooperative ways with others, and showing you're a team player/willing to compromise. 

Martha Beck just wrote a new book called Integrity that might be interesting to you.  But I wouldn't read/watch videos.  I'd go out in the world and practice -fake it till you make it -doing the actions that you believe are more consistent with who you wish to be.  I'd do this through volunteer work perhaps or taking dance lessons or joining a hiking club, etc.  Places where you interact with people and can try interacting in a different way. 

I made significant changes in my early 30s -I stopped being so chatty -I think I was too chatty/would overshare -when I was nervous in a social situation.  I did this because it was pointed out to me as a potential issue by someone I really trusted (and, much later, married!).

Once I made that change my friendships became closer, people seemed to trust and respect me more -because a person who overshares -especially to seek attention/approval is often seen as indiscreet -people worry if you're so prone to oversharing you'll overshare their confidences or secrets.   

It wasn't easy to make that kind of change but I'm glad I did (I'm 55 now).

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Do you mean to become more secure, rather than insecure etc?

I believe that is possible with some prof help.. time in therapy etc.

But throughout our lives, we're all wired differently and of course, influence from the adults around us will help shape how we are eg. Did we have decent support systems?  Did we experience neglect/abuse from toxic parents/adults. growing up?

If so, then we would benefit from some ongoing prof help to work through the effects of all of that.

I did years on ongoing therapy on and off, as needed, and I know now what I can or cannot tolerate.  I hit my 'rock bottom' by late 40's.  I was mentally & emotionally exhausted. So I now know my 'limits', etc.

I do believe one can work on changing themselves to a degree, but some things could possible be instilled in us, which makes us who/how we are.. so not sure IF all that you are wanting to change is possible?

Some traits will most likely stay with you, so maybe consider reaching out to professionals and seeing what/ if some issue's you've got can be worked on and corrected.

One thing I did notice of myself, over my years, due to 'experience', was the ability to work on my self confidence more and be more assertive.. I realized one my kids was so much like me, but he, same as myself realized as we hit adulthood, had no choice but to get it together & step up, when it came to work expectations, etc.

Good luck!

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12 hours ago, score123 said:

I think my personality type according to enneagram is Pacific Lamb

Do you work, go to school, have your own place, car and finances under control? Start there.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about chronic fear, low self-esteem and other issues.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Avoid quizzes that pigeonhole you into a personality type. Get evidence based appropriate assessments of what's going on.

Self absorbed thinking is part of the problem, not the solution. Perhaps your wording is odd but being egotistical is a turn off. Perhaps you mean confidence and self respect.

Instead work on the real issues that are bothering you. Anxiety, depression and things you can work on.

Join some groups, clubs and get involved in sports and fitness. Volunteer.  Improve your social skills through more positive interactions with various people.

Edited by Wiseman2
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In my expeience people rarely change. Meaning that after developmental years, we are what we are. We learn certain patterns of dealing with other people. It would take a very severe backlash of that to people even consider change, let alone do it. I am not saying its impossible, for example behavioral therapy is founded on the idea that all behaviors are learned and that harmful ones can be changed. So they treat a lot of behaviors(depression, anxiety, anger issues, OCD) with that. I am just saying that there is no magic stick where you would go from somebody that is unconfrontational and cares about people to somebody who would be more egotistical. You are what you are. You can become more confident. Or perhaps less willing to please people if that is what you mean by being more "self centered". But you can hardly change your core personality. 

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I think the main issue is not that you need to learn how to pretend to be/be more confident, etc. it is that you need to take a much closer look at why you feel so insecure, self-conscious, and emotionally unworthy of others in the first place. People aren’t born like that, they learn to become like that. You need to do the hard work on unpacking your past before you can improve the behaviours of your present.

Also, I echo what Wizeman said - don’t take quizzes, as they cannot account for your life experiences - all of which shape you to be who you are at any given moment in time. Human beings are far too complex for each unique individual to be pigeonholed into a classification drawn from a few superficial questions - even if someone of the traits seem to fit.

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You can make some steps to improve your confidence, but you won't be (and shouldn't strive) to be an alpha male type.
Women's top things they look for in men is confidence.  Good looks, money, job, other things are "nice to haves", but the main thing is that confidence is the by-product of having your life together, not something you have.    

Seek out some books about finding confidence...and for the love of god don't use PUA crap that still lingers the internet.  It's all crap.
Bottom line,  Just be your best self, love yourself (in a healthy way) and that is where confidence naturally starts to show on the outside .....and things will soon come your way.

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On 2/8/2022 at 5:01 PM, score123 said:

is it possible to make changes to your personality?

Yes, growth happens even when we aren't consciously pursuing change. However, identifying the things you want to change can be a big advantage.

I found it helpful when a coach on my job referred to some of the thinking and behaviors we might believe are indelible personality traits as 'habits'. He said habits take roughly 21 days to replace with better habits, as this is how long the brain needs to form new synapses that connect strongly enough to override our old patterns.

He told us to write a list of habits we want to change, but to only work on ONE change at a time for at least 21 days. Otherwise, you glom everything together into a giant abstraction--and nobody can tackle those.

The first habit I chose was the critical voice I ran in my brain. It kept me resistant to changes by reacting with 'no' to everything, and once I did that, i was more interested in defending that position than actually learning how and why to consider a change.

i practiced changing the voice in my head to one of an inspiring coach rather than a negative judge and jury, and I began speaking to myself with kindness, respect and optimism.

This was the best choice I could have made, as habitual self-talk is our foundation for everything else.

I hope you'll update us with this thread and let us know what you're learning.

Head high!

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Hey!

I hope you are doing alright!

I was just wondering, lately I feel like I know more myself, as I am working on this, and the big question is: is it possible for your personality to change at an adult age? Around your late twenties?

The thing is I am very intelligent, achieved big things in my life actually, having an independent life of my own, which I enjoy, a lot of activities right now, but I think somehow, when I look back I may have had better relationships with people. I think I lack some emotional intelligence here, as I have low self esteem, and everything would be easier if I get to be more egoistic, more self centered and confident. So, I have realized I could do even greater things, I have a lot of potential, but somehow I also have a lot of fear. I think my personality type according to enneagram is Pacific Lamb, I would like to know if is it possible to work on it, for improving somehow the negative things this type of personality has, and make my life easier, and enjoy it more. Sometimes I feel like I am living always surrounded by fear, low self-esteem, not enjoying life at its 100percent... So, physical activities here haven't helped a lot, as I participate in a lot of them, and I have a very good job. I was thinking about reading books that could help on this and listen to educational videos, what do you think, is it possible to make changes to your personality?

 

Yes, it's possible to change your personality to improve relationships.  However, I meant that it's possible to IMPROVE your personality to improve relationships (or friendships). 

It's not that complicated to change for the better.  As long as you remember 'The Golden Rule:' "Do  unto others as you would have them do unto you,"  you will be fine.  As long as you remain humble, modest and kind,  most people will treat you very well. 

No one likes a person who is selfish, cocky, boastful, flaunts, arrogant, snobby and unkind.  If you don't possess any of those disdainful traits, you are considered a very decent person. 

Remember to have common decency and common courtesy habitually. 

A person can be very confident yet humble and low key.  I know a lot of very successful, prosperous people yet they're quiet and I like that.  Why?  Because they're very secure. 

You can read books but a lot of personality and character improvements are common sense. 

I've changed my personality due to harsh life's lessons learned.  This was due to difficult circumstances, situations, struggles and relationships / friendships which went awry because I was immature and didn't know how to navigate myself shrewdly and wisely.  Live and learn. 

In your early 20s, you are a different person than the person you will become  5, 10, 15, 20 years from now and beyond.  After trial 'n error, you will change (hopefully) for the better because life and people teach you what works for you and what had failed miserably. 

Hopefully, you can limit unfortunate outcomes in the first place by practicing how to navigate yourself wisely now instead of later. 

 

 

 

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