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My ex accuses me of lying whenever I tell the truth. I don’t know what else to do in order for him to realize that I would never lie to him or hurt him like that.


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About 3 months ago, my ex and I broke up. We have known eachother for 8 years, but have only dated for 2 of them. For back story, we went to the same highschool, but we are now both seniors in college at two separate schools 2 hours away from eachother. He plays football and I used to play a sport at my school as well, but had to retire due to continuous injuries and surgeries. In September , my ex got injured, and from then on, it made things difficult for him mentally. He became depressed from both the injury and family issues. My ex sadly grew up in a household where love wasn’t a major priority. His mother and father separated when he was young, and he grew up moving back and forth from their houses. His father has been remarried to 2 other women within my exs 22 years of life, he is now going through another divorce and is with a new woman. His mother and him do not have the best relationship due to her past addiction, but he still keeps contact with her. He has told me that his best friend and overall caregiver when he was growing up was his sister who is about 6-7 years older than him. With all of that being said, my ex had a rough upbringing , and I feel for him. But sadly, this has been his only image of love and relationships in his life. 

With his injury and everything else he was going through, I tried my best to be there for him. I too battle with depression, and I know more than many what it feels like to have to stop playing a sport you love due to career ending injuries. I made it known that I was there to talk if he ever needed anything or just needed someone to listen. 

Within the next few months after that, things got difficult and we started having random fights, which we never had before. We ended up breaking up over politics and overall different opinions, which is something that both him and I aren’t huge on nor care about that much. So it was obvious to us that maybe things just weren’t right anymore. He ended up telling me that he had started to feel distant after his injury, and that he just wasn’t as happy in our relationship. I told him that I understood and that I’d be there for him if he needed me for anything. We ended up not talking very much for about a month other than me reaching out and asking if he was doing okay. Within this time though, he found a new girl. I was hurt ofcourse, because he had told me that he wanted to just take some time off and see where things took us; I didn’t think that it meant moving on. After this, I blocked him on everything and realized that I had to focus on myself. I was hurt, but I realized that this meant I just needed to prioritize myself and my own happiness. Within this time apart, I didn’t talk to anyone or do anything with anyone. I needed to be alone so that I could properly heal and move on; I didn’t want to bring someone else into my situation and hurt them in the end. I have never been someone who enjoys random hook ups or flings. I don’t talk to people for fun, and I don’t believe in bringing people into my life who only want to hook up and than leave. So over the few months of us being separated, I stuck to myself and became my own best friend. 

We broke up in November , but at the end of January he reached out over a random app and asked if we could talk. I was hesitant, but I said yes because he stated that he needed someone to talk to and that he wanted to be upfront about everything. He drove to my house at school, and told me everything that was going on in his life. It was nice talking to him, and it held felt like no time had passed since we last spoke. We talked about his situation with the other girl, and he told me that it wasn’t anything and that nothing had happened between them. He said that they were just friends and only hung out a few times. In my gut, I knew that this wasn’t the truth, because they had been hanging out the whole time that we had been separated, she would even post things online about the two of them.

I asked him a few times more, and he continued to deny ever doing anything with her. After he left, I found out that he was lying. He had been with her the whole time, she would sleepover and they would engage in intercourse as well as go on dates. I told him that even though he lied to me, I wasn’t upset with him finding someone else, because he was single and free to do whatever he pleased. I was just hurt knowing that he drove to my house to “open up” to me about everything, yet lied to me about the the girl.

Eventually we made up, and we started hanging out again. Things were going great, but than I noticed that he would check my phone whenever I was out of the room. I caught him both times. I wasn’t upset, because I don’t have anything to hide, but it hurt knowing that he didn’t believe me when I told him that I wasn’t doing anything behind his back or hiding things from him.

I work at a job, and one of my coworkers is a 26 year old man. I have been working at this job for about 7 months, and my ex knew of my friendship with my coworker the whole time. I don’t see my coworker as anything other than a friend. Im not attracted to him and I never have been, but my ex doesn’t believe me when I say this. My coworker and I text sometimes , but it’s either about work or life, nothing more. My coworker has never flirted with me, tried anything on me, or made me feel uncomfortable around him. We have eachother on Snapchat, and I have gone out with him and a group of friends once while I had been single. I told my ex about all of this, because there was no reason to hide it. My ex accused me of having done something with my coworker , and believes that there’s no way that we are simply friends. When we were dating, I was never unloyal. I never texted any other guys, I never talked to other guys, but because of his of prior relationships and upbringing, he has trust issues. We’ve had many conversations about this situation with my coworker, and I’ve told him the whole truth the entire time. He continues to accuse me of lying. He shuts down everything that I say to him about only seeing my coworker as a friend, and he says that he simply cannot believe it. I reached out to my coworker and told him about the situation, he told me that he would text my ex and let him know that we have only ever been friends. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable bringing something like this up to my coworker, because it’s a situation and conversation that he doesn’t belong in. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my ex, I want to be with him and I want to be there for him. But it’s so heartbreaking to know that no matter what I say or do, he simply does not believe me. I have always told my ex how much he means to me and that I could never hurt him or lie to him, so it’s extremely upsetting to know that he thinks otherwise. I have had 3 other relationships prior to my ex, and each one of them have cheated on me. I know how it feels to be lied to because I’ve experienced it first hand, I could and would never want to put that pain on anyone. Especially not someone that I love and care for as much as my ex. My ex says that he loves me and wants to be with me, he says that I’m his best friend and he wants me in his life. But I don’t know if we will be able to move on from this situation. Trust is the #1 thing in a relationship, and without it, a relationship will never run smoothly. I don’t know what else to say to him or what else I can do to prove to him that my coworker is nothing more than a friend. I’m exhausted from these arguments and I’m mostly hurt, knowing that my ex truly believes that I would do something like this. I don’t want to give up on him, and part of me feels like I am, but I think that sadly, this is something that he has to work on himself. I think that my ex needs time to himself so that he can heal properly and learn why his past has this affect on him and his love life. I’ve tried to do all that I can to reassure him that I am not lying to him, but through it all, he doesn’t believe me. I just don’t know what else to do. It’s tiring and heartbreaking to have to be put through this by someone I love. It’s mentally and emotionally draining to be accused of lying about something I have never done. 

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3 minutes ago, millierock said:

About 3 months ago, my ex and I broke up. I too battle with depression. We ended up breaking up over politics and overall different opinions. he found a new girl.

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. 

Focus on getting to your doctor for an evaluation of your mental and physical health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Focus on you.

 It's unclear why he staged this fight, if he was cheating or whatever the case.

Dating is not social worker and his unfortunate childhood is no reason to be a jerk to you.

 

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Its a common thing for cheaters to have untrust in their partners. Because, if they would cheat, then that means other side would cheat too. So, when they see even a small signs of that (I know you didnt do it, but he still see it as you did), to them that means that you probably did. Because, after all, that is what they would do if they did cheat, having a private conversations with the coworker talking about who knows what. So that is not about you. And yes, he would not change that or trust you with stuff like that. Simply because its in his head that behavior like that means cheating. There is no trust there simply because he would not trust you as he would not trust himself if he was in your place. I dunno if you understand that. And that staying with somebody like that would probably mean that you wont have a male friend ever because he would rage about it. So, good for you for getting rid of someone like that.

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1 hour ago, millierock said:

Within the next few months after that, things got difficult and we started having random fights, which we never had before. We ended up breaking up over politics and overall different opinions, which is something that both him and I aren’t huge on nor care about that much. So it was obvious to us that maybe things just weren’t right anymore. He ended up telling me that he had started to feel distant after his injury, and that he just wasn’t as happy in our relationship. I told him that I understood and that I’d be there for him if he needed me for anything. We ended up not talking very much for about a month other than me reaching out and asking if he was doing okay. Within this time though, he found a new girl. I was hurt ofcourse, because he had told me that he wanted to just take some time off and see where things took us

 

1 hour ago, millierock said:

he has to work on himself. I think that my ex needs time to himself so that he can heal properly and learn

Exactly....

 

1 hour ago, millierock said:

Eventually we made up, and we started hanging out again. Things were going great, but than I noticed that he would check my phone whenever I was out of the room. I caught him both times. I wasn’t upset, because I don’t have anything to hide, but it hurt knowing that he didn’t believe me when I told him that I wasn’t doing anything behind his back or hiding things from him.

Behind HIS back or hiding things?  Ahem, you two are NO longer together.. correct?  Then YOU owe him nothing!  neither of you do anymore... Is YOUR business only, what you do.

 

1 hour ago, millierock said:

My ex accused me of having done something with my coworker , and believes that there’s no way that we are simply friends. When we were dating, I was never unloyal. I never texted any other guys, I never talked to other guys, but because of his of prior relationships and upbringing, he has trust issues. We’ve had many conversations about this situation with my coworker, and I’ve told him the whole truth the entire time. He continues to accuse me of lying. He shuts down everything that I say to him about only seeing my coworker as a friend, and he says that he simply cannot believe it.

THIS is why we cannot be 'friends' with an EX. .. Not while 'emotions; are still reeling.

 

1 hour ago, millierock said:

I reached out to my coworker and told him about the situation, he told me that he would text my ex and let him know that we have only ever been friends.

No need to even go there... should never bring co-workers or friends into this, that you have going on with an ex.

 

1 hour ago, millierock said:

I love my ex, I want to be with him and I want to be there for him. But it’s so heartbreaking to know that no matter what I say or do, he simply does not believe me. I have always told my ex how much he means to me and that I could never hurt him or lie to him, so it’s extremely upsetting to know that he thinks otherwise. I have had 3 other relationships prior to my ex, and each one of them have cheated on me.

Wow, all have cheated.. yah, that hurts! 😕 .  Shows maturity lacking in that age..somewhat.

You still love your ex and you are BOTH going thru all the emotions, so is that more challenging for you two... this is not healthy to keep this up....

1 hour ago, millierock said:

My ex says that he loves me and wants to be with me, he says that I’m his best friend and he wants me in his life. But I don’t know if we will be able to move on from this situation. Trust is the #1 thing in a relationship, and without it, a relationship will never run smoothly. I don’t know what else to say to him or what else I can do to prove to him that my coworker is nothing more than a friend.

IMO, this goes deeper than YOU feeling you need to prove yourself.  You are both struggling with a lot!  You know his background AND you know that HE ended things with you... So, just how stable are things with him? ( and you) at this time?

'he has to work on himself. I think that my ex needs time to himself so that he can heal properly and learn.'

 

Yes, a lot needs to be tended to... sounds like he's had a rebound, with this other gal as he's still interacting with you.. that poor gal 😕 .

I'm sorry but this is all too much and is weighing heavily on YOU.  You're being drained and you really should be having nothing to do with him... getting back with him will NOT do either of you any good.... Instead you should go No Contact and start focussing totally on yourself.  No more chasing, begging, trying to 'prove yourself;.  Is not worth YOUR mental health.

Just be done!

 

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2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Something tells me he is cheating and projecting. 

But who is he cheating on?

I read it as the OP is "hanging out" with him but they're not back together as a couple. And it's not clear to me if he's still seeing the other woman (the one he lied about). If he is still with the other woman then yes, he's cheating on her by "hanging out" with the OP.

Millie, are you two back together? Is he still dating that other woman or do you know for a fact (not relying on his word because he lies) that it's over? 

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50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But who is he cheating on?

I read it as the OP is "hanging out" with him but they're not back together as a couple. And it's not clear to me if he's still seeing the other woman (the one he lied about). If he is still with the other woman then yes, he's cheating on her by "hanging out" with the OP.

Millie, are you two back together? Is he still dating that other woman or do you know for a fact (not relying on his word because he lies) that it's over? 

Thank you for the response. I truly do appreciate all of these more than you know.


My ex cut the female out of his life before he reached out to me by “ghosting her.”

After another day of us hanging out, we decided that he should text her and explain the situation so that she wasn’t left in the cold and confused.
He told her that he was sorry for bringing her into this, but that he wanted to work on things with me. He said that from the beginning he made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship with her (I wasn’t sure if this was the truth) but in the text messages between them, he brought it up again that he was sorry about the situation but that he never saw it as anything more than a fling and that from the beginning that was all it would ever be.
She said that she understood, there were no hard feelings, wished us the best and said that she would remove herself from the picture. 

I made it clear to him that if she was still in his life, there was not room for the both of us, because neither her nor I deserve that. I told him that it was ultimately his decision about whether or not he would keep her in his life or not, and that only he could decide that for himself, not me.


He has since blocked her on everything and vice versa. 

I do feel bad for her though, because he brought her into his life when he was hurting and trying to get over me. I don’t think that’s something that anyone deserves to go through.

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So his idea of "working on things" with you is to go through your phone and make wild, unfounded accusations? How does he think that would improve things between you two?

I too had a traumatizing childhood. I don't use it as an excuse to treat people poorly, tell lies or claim I "don't know how to love".

Everyone knows lying is wrong. He knows it too. And he knows if you love someone you don't accuse them of outrageous things or make them so uncomfortable they feel the need to have a coworker text him to say nothing is going on. 

If this is how you want your love relationship to be then by all means continue pacifying him. Just be aware it won't get better unless he chooses to work on his controlling and distrustful tendencies ON HIS OWN.

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I would put money on him having cheated on you before he broke up with you for her. 

And then she wasn't as great as he hoped. 

So he bounced back to you, sort of, and is projecting because he knows what he was doing behind your back and now he assumes you are capable of the same. 

Get rid of this guy. This is not going to get better. 

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1 hour ago, millierock said:

I do feel bad for her though, because he brought her into his life when he was hurting and trying to get over me. I don’t think that’s something that anyone deserves to go through.

You seem like a compassionate person, make sure he deserves someone like you. 

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3 hours ago, millierock said:

I do feel bad for her though, because he brought her into his life when he was hurting and trying to get over me. I don’t think that’s something that anyone deserves to go through.

You sure about that? He did pick some very random fights with you and ultimately he dumped you under the same random pretext. Now, out of the blue, he is accusing you of being a cheater. Personally, I would bet good money that he was cheating on you and was picking fights with you as a way to distance himself from you. A very stereotypical cheater behavior. Since things weren't as rosy  as he thought they would be, he is back trying to hoover you in.

OP, you are very very kind, compassionate, deeply empathetic person. That's wonderful but also, that kind of a personality attracts users, cheaters, losers, narcissists, sociopaths, conmen, etc. You have to learn to be kind but with strong boundaries. Be sure that you do not blanket project your feelings, empathy, kindness, and how you would behave in a situation onto others. He is not the wounded creature that you think he is.

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Yeah, my ex cheated on me constantly but he went ballistic if his own roommate even said hello to me. It wasn't because he was hurting or that he loved me so much. It was because he viewed me as HIS property and he didn't want anyone else playing with his toy. He could have multiple girlfriends but I had to be 100% faithful to him.

It was BS and no one should tolerate being treated like that.

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It’s interesting because once we broke up, it really made me question how he was able to move on so quickly. He would always say how much he loved me, and every other nice thing under the Sun. He even said these things when we were breaking up. But him finding another girl made me question if this had started before we were even finished. 

I’m gonna give you guys a little more background to see if you think something was up… As I stated before, my ex plays football, after all of his games he and his teammates would go to a particular bar. When I found out about the girl, some things started to click, because this girl WORKS at the bar they would go to…

Obviously finding this out after we broke up made me question if this had started BEFORE we even broke up. Because again, he had started acting distant a while before we ended things, but I thought that maybe it was just due to his injury and being depressed.

I’m not someone who believes in checking phones, I never have been and I never will be. I am also someone who doesn’t have an Instagram or Snapchat. And those are huge ways in which people communicate now a days, because it’s very easy to hide. 

I’m not sure if they had started following each other and were communicating before we broke up. He said that he didn’t, but idk, it seemed all very fast and questionable.

Maybe I’ve just been way too naive this whole time. I feel like I expect the best from everyone, and I expect people to treat me the way that I would treat them. Maybe I’ve just been blind to everything for a while. 
 

idk, what do you guys think? 

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2 minutes ago, millierock said:

idk, what do you guys think? 

My opinion hasn't changed. In fact, the additional information you provided just reinforces it.

I would not tolerate the way he's treating you. 

If you choose to continue with him you are telling him his treatment of you is acceptable and that you think he's right. Do you really feel you deserve the way he treats you?

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12 minutes ago, millierock said:

idk, what do you guys think? 

What you just shared really reinforced what I was already thinking and posted about. Yes, I do think that he was carrying on with her (and potentially others) long before he broke up with you. The biggest red flag is always the unfounded accusations against you. Dishonest people are also paranoid and therefore quick to accuse others of the things they would do, given the chance.

Consider that even if the guy isn't cheating on you a the moment, if he is being jealous, controlling, accusatory - he is projecting. He is literally thinking, "if I had that opportunity, I'd be cheating". Just because he hasn't had that opportunity yet, doesn't mean he won't jump on it should it come up. Any type of jealous, controlling, accusatory behaviors are a huge red flag in a person. You said it yourself - without trust, you can't have a healthy relationship.

The thing is that rather than digging for proof, you have to learn to trust your instincts and also respect yourself. If a guy is not treating you how you want to be treated, dump him. It may sound ruthless, but unfortunately, that's what it takes to weed out bad people out of your life.

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7 hours ago, millierock said:

I’m not sure if they had started following each other and were communicating before we broke up. He said that he didn’t

He's full of equine manure. 

He didn't hook up with her because he was hurting over you. He was getting close to her before he ended it with you, and broke up with you to test-run her. I can nearly guarantee it. The distant behaviour, the baseless accusations - that's got "cheater" painted all over it. 

Sometimes we try (or cheaters try) to reframe the whole narrative when the truth hurts too much to think about. So to that extent, I think you are a little naive to feel bad for her because he was using her as a rebound. Nah. This was brewing before that and he wasn't seeking solace in her. He was interested in her and seeing if there was anything more to build on. 

It sounds to me like you are slowly realizing this guy is just not who you thought he was, and he's been hiding a whole lot from you. This won't be your Happily Ever After, and you will be better off for it. You can't quite see it yet, but this dude is a bad seed. 

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Ethically, he lies, verbally abuses, and uses other people for his own needs and could care less about their feelings. From what's been said, that other woman didn't think she was just a fling until told after the fact.

You did everything so right at first. Taking him back was totally wrong. This is toxicity. He's the opposite of an ideal partner.

You're going places in this world with a good education under your belt. Free yourself so that one day you can accept into your one precious life, someone actually worthy of your wonderful self.

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I think you did the right thing. He was not going to be your ideal long term partner. Trying constantly to "prove" yourself to him would have been exhausting. And you never would have been able to.  Not to mention his likely chronic cheating and lying.

Now you're free to enjoy springtime without all this stress.

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1 hour ago, millierock said:

I told him that I wish him the best, but that I didn’t deserve to be treated this .I’m happy with my decision to move on from him once and for all. I blocked him on everything, and told him that if he ever finds a way to reach out again, I will not answer.

You made an excellent decision. Your compassion for people and levelheadedness will take  you far and you will resonate better with someone of higher quality who treats you well.

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My ex accuses me...

This is as far as I got, the key word being 'ex' and the second 'accuses' making all else irrelevant.

Either a lover trusts me, or he does not. If not, then he has screened himself out of my life.

Often our choices are less about who we love and more about how we want to live.

Some people are best loved from far away.

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How To Say Goodbye To The Past And ...
How To Say Goodbye To The Past And Make A Fresh Start

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