Travel, boyfriend and houses

[kat367]

Hey, I'm looking for some advice (posted here a while back but have more to add!

My bf and I have been together just over 3 years, I'm 24 and he's 25. He is pretty much settled in his career and has been hinting at buying a house for a while. I want a job to do with languages and would love to work abroad (to improve my skills) before committing to buying a house. I communicated this to him in the past but not recently, and he keeps suggesting careers to me that aren't really related. He wants to buy a house soon because he hates living at home.. I have also said before about not being ready to buy because I want to travel. I'm just always very uncomfortable around the subject because I don't want to lose him and do want a future with him. I would also like to buy but just not yet, but I don't want to hold him back. I have wanted to travel for ages but am concerned he won't think I'm serious about our relationship if I want to go off travelling.. the whole situation makes me feel so anxious which is why I avoid talking about it but now I actually want to start looking for jobs. any advice would be appreciated!!

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, kat367 said:

Hey, I'm looking for some advice (posted here a while . He wants to buy a house soon because he hates living at home

Do not buy a house together. If he hates living with mom and dad it's his job to independently find and finance a place to live.

You're not a bank or mortgage broker. Notice that he's not asking to get engaged or married or any commitment whatsoever.

Just someone to finance his departure from mommy and daddy.

Run. Take your dream job overseas, live your life as you see fit.

Don't get roped into this raw deal. If he can't afford his own apartment or house, let him get a second job or some other fool as an investor.

[Batya33]

Why buy a house with someone you are not married to? Tell him when he suggests unrelated careers "thanks so much for sharing - being a mobile dog groomer and giving complimentary massages is not really what I was referring to" - and then move along.  Or you can tell him "I really appreciate your input but how about if I want a suggestion from you I'll ask OK?"

Separately -yes -people make choices like yours all the time.  Living abroad without him is not really conducive to an LTR unless he's cool with a commuter marriage.  I was in a commuter marriage as a newlywed for about 6 months with a newborn.  After that he traveled a lot and so there was that too.  I knew in advance that would be the case.  It was very hard.  I knew way in advance that if I got involved with my husband I had to be flexible geographically.  And I've had to be.  It can work if both people want it and sign up for it.  

What I would do -if he is your person and you are sure you want to marry him and he is sure he wants to marry you (or the equivalent -but not just "we own a home and share physical space so that's a stage in a relationship -um, nope") - then I would do a work around where you get married and put off the live abroad till the future.  When you both can do it and/or you do that in a commuter marriage.  But if there's no wedding date or the real equivalent I would not put those dreams on hold.  Or get into a financial arrangement with a non-spouse.

I was in your shoes at age 24.  I chose to go to grad school and almost applied out of state despite having a serious boyfriend. I didn't and honestly the boyfriend was one factor of many.  I got into a great local grad school but I will tell you that it was a long, intense program and then long intense hours at work. 

I put that ahead of my relationship.  Because we were not married.  We actually broke up after my first year (I thought partly due to my being a workaholic studying all the time) and it was still worth it. 

Turns out we actually broke up - because he was in denial about his sexual orientation and just kept running away from me not knowing himself why.  My point is - especially if you're not married -there can be real reasons for not going the distance and you will regret if you put your dreams on hold for someone who may not be your forever person.

Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

Tell him he is welcome to buy a house in his own name. 

You are not required to be part of that, or even to move in with him yet. I was in your position once, almost 20 years ago, right around your age. Had been with my then-boyfriend for about 5 years and he wanted to buy a house and settle down. 

I too wanted to travel. Maybe live abroad. He had a very different vision. It meant that we could not stay together, in the end. 

And you know what I did? I traveled, and loved every minute of it. And I have now lived abroad for 9 years and I've never been more content. My partner is a local man, and we've been happily together for 7 years. 

Follow your own path, is my advice. The life my ex wanted was just not compatible with the life I wanted. (for what it's worth, he is now married and has kids, so it's worked out well for him too) 

[kat367]

Thanks for the advice so far! I don't want to work abroad forever, my dream job is actually UK-based.

[Kwothe28]

I think you two have very different paths. He has his path already figured, settled in career and now wants somebody to settle with him. Hence he urges you to find a job there even though its not your dream. You want to travel and then see about the job. But you are afraid(for a good reason) that he wont be there after. And I am afraid that he probably wont. Again, 2 different paths that diverge. And that maybe wont cross ever again. But if you want to do your own thing then you would have to walk your own path. Even though it will maybe not cross with his.

I mean, what is the plan? Couple of years abroad? Would he wait for you? Would you for him? Will your plans maybe change and you decided to stay abroad later? Its too much uncertainty there if you want both.

[Lambert]

You have to live your life for you. 

I know being a girl we're taught be a good girl, good daughter, good wife, good mom meeting everyone else's needs. 

But that is a recipe for unhappiness. You cannot base your life around anyone but you. And that will require you to stand up for what you want for yourself. 

If the guy doesn't understand and support you, then he is not the guy.  It really is that simple. 

Also, he needs to move out and live on his own.  Otherwise you risk becoming his mom.  If he can't afford a house on his own, that is not your problem.  

He is probably better off renting first.  A house is a ton of work and responsibility.  

I'd really think about not only what you'd be giving up for yourself but also what you're agreeing to take on with this partner. 

 

 

[smackie9]

He can buy a small place that he can afford on his own for now or rent, and buy a house later when you two get married and settled in your careers, etc. When he sells the apartment he can use the profit to put a nice down payment on a house. It's best to plan for the future properly, and his solution to jump right in and buy a house is ridiculous. Plus you two haven't lived together yet...let me say adjustment ain't no picnic, and you both could end up going your own separate ways. 

[boltnrun]

Can he afford to buy a house on his own or does he need your income as well?

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, kat367 said:

Thanks for the advice so far! I don't want to work abroad forever, my dream job is actually UK-based.

It doesn't matter how long the period abroad might be, actually. 

The point is that your dream and his are very different, and it will cause a major rupture in the relationship. He is already trying to think of ways to get you to stay. That indicates he would not be comfortable even with a temporary posting elsewhere. 

Think very carefully about your future goals here, both short- and long-term. 

[DancingFool]

First of all, never buy a house with someone you are not actually married to. There are way too many legal issues with that. Just don't. Have your own place, let him have his or if you insist on living together, rent for a year and see if you can get along living together. Too many relationships tank quickly when it comes to adjusting and learning how to live together.

Second, do not move in with someone who has never lived on their own. That's an entire separate learning adjustment curve on top of the first one.

Finally, if your dream is to live/travel some time abroad, then do it, but do be single and be free. Allow yourself to actually enjoy the experience and fully immerse yourself in that without strings attached and without wasting hours at odd times of day/night trying desperately to maintain a long distance relationship with a guy who is not likely to see eye to eye with you about any of this. Who is already showing you that he is not on board with you and your dreams and desires. All that will do is poison your experience abroad with fears and worries and limit what you end up doing.

Basically, you may love him, but he is not the right person for you. More like an anchor dragging you down. Cut loose.

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Notice that he's not asking to get engaged or married or any commitment whatsoever.

Yup! I see that you're worried that he may think you're not serious about your relationship. Well, let him prove that he is serious before you start sacrificing your dreams for him.

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, kat367 said:

'm just always very uncomfortable around the subject because I don't want to lose him

Always be your genuine self and if you lose someone because of that, he wasn't the right person for you anyway.

 

16 hours ago, kat367 said:

I have wanted to travel for ages but am concerned he won't think I'm serious about our relationship if I want to go off travelling.

I know how tough being apart is, since I was once a Navy wife, and in my current job, I've twice had to be away from home for a four week period. It's unfair to him if you can't give a timeframe of how long you will be apart and have that info be up in the air.

You leaving might cause him resentment and you sticking around for his goals when yours won't be met will cause you to be resentful. Either you break up, or see if you're both willing to put in the work to keep the relationship strong during a LDR. Nobody said life was easy. I feel for you and wish you the best no matter what happens. 

[melancholy123]

I think he should buy a house or a condo that he can afford on his own and you can either move in with him or move abroad.  I do think you should travel abroad as that is your dream and we should all follow our dreams especially when we are young and able to do so.

In time, if you come back, you can decide if you want to live with him in that house or condo or not.  Maybe he sells it and makes a few bucks on it and you then buy a place together.  Maybe you dont stay with him as bf/gf.  You cant predict the future.

So go abroad, see whatever it is you want to see, he can move out of mom's house and grow up in the process.

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to buy a house when you aren't ready, much less to involve yourself in someone else's purchase.

BF is either capable of putting down a deposit and taking out a mortgage, or not.

If so, he can do that on his own, and you can pay him rent for any length of time you want to live with him.

If not, then he can either rent a place or keep saving until he CAN buy a home.

When your future goals don't align with a lover's, you'll need to decide whether to move forward on your own or compromise in some manageable way.

If you can't figure out how to do that, then it's certainly not the time to make a permanent financial entanglement with a person who doesn't align with you. 

This is what is meant by the phrase, "Love is not enough..."