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Contacted an ex online after 13 years, need advice


Describe an old friend you got in c...
Describe an old friend you got in contact with again

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I looked up an ex on Facebook after 13 years of breakup back in mid November and sent an email. She contacted me within 90 minutes and we real timed emailed back and forth for about 30 minutes catching up etc.

By the end of November, we had emailed 2 more times, but not in real time. At the end of November, I emailed if she would like to talk on the phone instead and she emailed back to give her my phone number.

A few days later, beginning of December, on a Saturday morning, she emailed me to see if I was going to be around for the weekend and what would be a good time to call. I emailed back on Sunday morning to call me any time early Sunday evening.

I didn't hear back, so 11 days later, I emailed saying just checking in didn't hear from you. She emailed me 3 days later apologizing stating that her uncle and nephew had Covid and she was also busy with XMAS stuff and asked how I was doing. I emailed back I was home if she wanted to call me and then never heard from her again.

What happened? I was hoping to be friends or just talk. Why email me then never follow up. Now I feel like a fool and an idiot. Would appreciate any feedback.

Thanks

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It's really hard to say since you're going on such little information.

She could be in a relationship or potential relationship and not feel right talking to someone from her past. She could be really busy with her personal life or work. She may not be in the best health.

Maybe she intended to get to know you again and it didn't work out for whatever reason.

Maybe she's not the best at communicating.

Honestly, it's just guesses.

But the point is, she knows where you are, she knows how to contact you.

You tried to get back into contact, it hasn't worked out, best to just let it be now.

If you hear from her in the future, you do, if not, then so be it.

Don't feel like a fool, her reason for not replying has more to do with what's going on in her life right now and nothing personal to you.

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1 hour ago, PeteF said:

What happened? I was hoping to be friends or just talk. Why email me then never follow up.

This was a nice trip down memory lane but not a journey she wished to take further.

She may be involved with someone else now and doesn’t want to disclose that. She’s entitled not to tell you everything even though it would have been a lot more considerate to do so. 

I would not keep pushing for a call or keep emailing. The ball is in her court so if she wants to reach out to you, let her be the one to do it. 

You’re here though feeling very dejected so I’d be more honest about this with yourself and explore why this bothers you so much. Maybe it reminds you of how flaky she used to be and nothing much has changed. Let it go.

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She probably changed her mind and doesn’t care to share the reasons why with you. I married my ex fiancée after several years apart. But once we actually reconnected we were in regular touch and got back together after a month.
Often these random emails or social media connections to someone in the distant past start out with lots of momentum but fade out just as quickly.  I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

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2 hours ago, PeteF said:

 I emailed back I was home if she wanted to call me and then never heard from her again.

Sorry this happened. Did you just get divorced or breakup with someone?

That's usually the reason people backtrack and she knows that. Whenever an ex appears out of the blue it's for their own agenda.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Also do not email, text or message back and forth this much. Go for coffee after a few  messages.

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44 minutes ago, PeteF said:

I reached out because I was just thinking about her and thought it would be nice to reconnect and be friends since I really don't have many friends and am somewhat of a loner.

That's it right there. You're feeling lonely and your past is starting to seem simpler and happier.

The best solution is to do something proactive about your loner tendencies. Join groups, participate in activities such as volunteering, playing a sport or taking a class and make a real effort to reach out and maintain contact with your current friends.

This woman from your distant past isn't the solution. You hold the solution in your hands already. 

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49 minutes ago, PeteF said:

I reached out because I was just thinking about her and thought it would be nice to reconnect and be friends since I really don't have many friends and am somewhat of a loner.

Yes but out of all the people you know and know of why choose a long ago ex?  What kind of volunteer work have you been involved in?  Have you ever considered volunteering backstage at a community or church based theater? I know of several people -including a youngish widowed friend of ours -who met people and restarted a social life that way.  It's ok to think about people and not react by reaching out -consider how reaching out might come across as unwelcome or intrusive.

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5 hours ago, PeteF said:

A few days later, beginning of December, on a Saturday morning, she emailed me to see if I was going to be around for the weekend and what would be a good time to call. I emailed back on Sunday morning to call me any time early Sunday evening.

I didn't hear back, so 11 days later, I emailed saying just checking in didn't hear from you. She emailed me 3 days later apologizing stating that her uncle and nephew had Covid and she was also busy with XMAS stuff and asked how I was doing. I emailed back I was home if she wanted to call me and then never heard from her again.

The way I see this is she emailed you you on a Saturday, asking if you'd be around 'for the weekend'... You responded on a Sunday morning, telling her that she could  that Sunday night.

She may have seen this as you were NOT that available as it was mentioned a Sunday night, so basically you were not available for her at all through the weekend.

I just say this because it sounds like this is when she pulled away/ went silent with you.

Hey, it's been 13 years.. and how you knew this person then, is NOT how she is nowadays.

Life changes people.. you can guarantee she's changed.. and often, not for the better 😕 .

So, you move on now.. let this one go.  If you're lonely etc, consider joining a 'local singles grp'?  I did a few yrs ago ( On FB) and made a few decent friends.

 

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3 minutes ago, PeteF said:

Volunteering might be a good option. Something I will look into.

 

Thanks

I've been volunteering on and off since 1981. I've always met good people this way when the volunteer work involves interacting with a group of volunteers or other people.

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On 2/3/2022 at 12:58 PM, PeteF said:

I really don't have many friends and am somewhat of a loner.

This is why you'd feel this so acutely rather than just roll beyond it. You've imbued it with more importance than she did.

People tend to behave in their own immediate interests rather than trying to make you feel foolish. So it's not as though she's judging you--she's just focused elsewhere.

For most people, contact with someone from so many years ago is nice but not a particularly big deal. Kinda fun to catch up a little, but not usually a monumental investment.

Give yourself credit for putting in some effort to connect with someone. Most of us need to do a lot of that in order to cultivate and maintain relationships--even if they're just acquaintances that we enjoy only on occasion.

Think of it like throwing a lot of spaghetti on the wall to see what few strands might stick.

The more you put in efforts, the easier and more natural those become over time. But they won't all work out, and that's NOT a reflection on you. It's about timing and the natural changes in focus people need to adopt in order to keep many plates spinning.

Head high.

 

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  • 1 month later...

13 years is a really long time. A lot can happen in 13 years. You do not know this woman anymore. She may not even be the same person anymore. 

You messaged her....cool. She responded...also cool. But it sounds like you have high expectations about reconnecting. You're disappointed a woman you dated 13 years ago isn't falling down at the sight of your messages. 

It sounds like she was glad to hear from you but isn't interested in anything beyond that and prioritizes her current life over daydreaming about the past you. 

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