Friend gone missing

[BecxyRex]

Hey everyone, I’m unsure how to proceed here and am hoping someone can give me advice. My really good friend, who I talk to daily has not been responding to my texts for 5 days. This by itself isn’t a problem at all, but it’s completely out of character for her. We will usually send something funny to each other every day, or just check in to see how the other is doing. 

We haven’t had any sort of argument or disagreement at all, so that can’t be it. I know she’s been going through a lot emotionally lately. I won’t get detailed, but it’s some heavy childhood memories she’s been working through with her therapist, and a failed relationship that is very difficult to get over. She’s also one of the strongest people I know, and she was feeling more positive lately. She does tell me when she’s feeling low and I encourage her to vent any time. And vice versa of course. 

We have young children the same age, and would frequently meet up with the kids. Me and my family have moved about 2 hours away, so meeting up has been a bit difficult. I know that was also hard for her, since she’s a single mom and doesn’t have a lot of family support. It isn’t easy for me as well, but I was looking forward to seeing her this weekend. 

With all of that said, I’m slightly worried about her right now. I’m not sure what I’m worried about exactly, but I have a feeling she’s struggling. I hope it’s not more sinister than that. She’s not active on social media either, so it isn’t just me she’s avoiding. I sent her an email today in case she simply misplaced her phone, but haven’t heard a response. I sent her a text on Sunday to let me know that she’s ok, since I’m a little worried. Nothing. I’m hoping she’s simply taking a hiatus from everything to work through what she needs to, but it still doesn’t seem like her to not send a peep to me at all. 

I’m torn. We’re both adults and she obviously doesn’t owe me an explanation of her whereabouts. But paired with us chatting daily and her recent struggles, my anxiety is high. I’m unsure what to do. I don’t really know anyone who would know her well enough to contact. My idea is to let a week pass and re-evaluate. Perhaps drive up to her house, but I don’t know how overbearing that is. I want to respect her space, but I want to be alert as well as her good friend. What would you all do? Has anyone been through this? Would you be alarmed or am I overreacting? 

[MsAin1st]

Can you call her local police to do a welfare check on her? 

[BecxyRex]

I could but I’m afraid I’m overstepping if I do that. It has only been 5 days. I’m not sure this warrants concern or if I’m being overly cautious. 

[Seraphim]

Can you call any of her family to see if she is ok?

[SooSad33]

Are you friends online eg Facebook? You can usually see if someone's active or posted things lately.

As mentioned, her family as well.. just to let them know you're concerned as you've had no response from her for days.

IF all is okay, you thank them generously for their help 🙂 .

 

[LootieTootie]

If you don't have access to her friends or family, I would just go check. Your intentions are sincere.

Sounds like she is going thru a lot but 5 days with no peep, maybe she does need someone to check on her if she's at least ok and her kids are ok.

[Wiseman2]

She still lives where you used to live? How well do you know her? Do you have mutual friends? Are you afraid she has Covid or is suicidal?

Yes sending the police,etc. is over the top. Where is the children's father? Certainly she has neighbors and other friends around?

[Jibralta]

Can you reach out to her parents or some mutual friends? 

I don't think there's anything wrong with driving there if all else fails. You could make a day of it, since it's a long trip and you're familiar with the area. Visit a couple places, grab coffee with another old friend, do some shopping, etc.

[Kwothe28]

I had a similar thing last year. Wanted to check out on an old friend. She was prone to depression, and didnt have any other means of contact. So I just walked out to her home and checked. Her mom was there so I dranked  coffee with her and talk. Turns out friend moved out to a different town to live with some boyfriend she met and works there in some butique. So I was worried for nothing. But still glad that I at least checked and knew she is alright. Accidently stumbled into her on a county fair few months ago and she confirmed it. 

Anyway, I would check even if it means going there. However if she doesnt reach that means she doesnt want to be reached from some reason. You mentioned kids so if she has family, that could mean family trouble. So, if you say she isnt mad at you, be warned that its probably something big.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I can relate.  But in my experiences with more than one friend - not many but a few -she simply went MIA on me - she was a little depressed but thoughtlessly simply didn't respond till a month later or so.  I didn't see her in person a lot back then though.  So hopefully it's "just" that although I find that behavior unfair (and yes I get cutting slack for people going through stuff).  

There's another person who did this but I saw her and her husband posting on FB and knew she was "ok" - we ended up being somewhat in touch after that but I kept my emotional distance.

Although her therapist cannot discuss anything with you of course it's ok to call if you know who it is and simply express concern about this MIA behavior.  (I typically wouldn't know the name of a friend's therapist but you might?). 

I truly hope she is ok and you've gotten great advice here.  Thank you for caring so much and wanting to do the right thing.

[melancholy123]

Call her friends and family first.  If that doesn't help, call the police for a wellness check.  They will go to her place and see if she's there or not.

[BecxyRex]

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Can you call any of her family to see if she is ok?

I don’t know any of them personally. She’s also reduced contact to most of them as of late, due to this childhood trauma. 

[BecxyRex]

11 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Are you friends online eg Facebook? You can usually see if someone's active or posted things lately.

As mentioned, her family as well.. just to let them know you're concerned as you've had no response from her for days.

IF all is okay, you thank them generously for their help 🙂 .

 

Thanks! I’ve been checking if she’s online elsewhere, but it doesn’t appear so. 

[BecxyRex]

11 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

If you don't have access to her friends or family, I would just go check. Your intentions are sincere.

Sounds like she is going thru a lot but 5 days with no peep, maybe she does need someone to check on her if she's at least ok and her kids are ok.

Yup, I agree. I’m going to make the drive Friday if I haven’t heard from her. In the meantime I’m having a friend drive by her place to see if there’s activity. It all sounds so strange… 

[BecxyRex]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She still lives where you used to live? How well do you know her? Do you have mutual friends? Are you afraid she has Covid or is suicidal?

Yes sending the police,etc. is over the top. Where is the children's father? Certainly she has neighbors and other friends around?

Yes, she lives in the city I used to live in until December. Husband, daughter and I moved ca. two hours away. 

I’ve known her for around 4 years now. Gotten to know her really well in the last 2 or so. We do not have mutual friends per se, but I do know some people who know her as well. We attended a class together. 
 

Her ex husband and her share custody of her daughter. He’s in the picture and lives not very far. He would be aware if something is wrong. I do not know him personally. Have only met once at a birthday. And yes she has neighbors. She’s not a recluse, but I’m still worried. 
 

I’m worried there may have been an accident or perhaps Covid. I don’t think she’s suicidal. 

[BecxyRex]

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Can you reach out to her parents or some mutual friends? 

I don't think there's anything wrong with driving there if all else fails. You could make a day of it, since it's a long trip and you're familiar with the area. Visit a couple places, grab coffee with another old friend, do some shopping, etc.

Yup agree totally. Will do that Friday! 

[BecxyRex]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I can relate.  But in my experiences with more than one friend - not many but a few -she simply went MIA on me - she was a little depressed but thoughtlessly simply didn't respond till a month later or so.  I didn't see her in person a lot back then though.  So hopefully it's "just" that although I find that behavior unfair (and yes I get cutting slack for people going through stuff).  

There's another person who did this but I saw her and her husband posting on FB and knew she was "ok" - we ended up being somewhat in touch after that but I kept my emotional distance.

Although her therapist cannot discuss anything with you of course it's ok to call if you know who it is and simply express concern about this MIA behavior.  (I typically wouldn't know the name of a friend's therapist but you might?). 

I truly hope she is ok and you've gotten great advice here.  Thank you for caring so much and wanting to do the right thing.

Thank you so much! I sincerely hope she’s just MIA and does not want to be reached. I know she’s prone to phases of depression and anxiety. She shares very vulnerable stuff with me. She’s never not responded to me though, which has me concerned. No social media activity except being on Instagram on Sunday briefly, which has me a bit confused as well. ( I typically don’t stalk friends like this! Only in this circumstance) Otherwise she’s missing from various platforms. 

I do not know her therapist’s name unfortunately. I am going to reach out to people who know her, before I take my drive Friday. 
 

And yes, I’ve been thinking about how to react, if she tells me she needed time to herself. I’ll be relieved no doubt, but I’ll be slightly upset as well. She knows I was worried and a simple text would have been enough. At the same time my anxiety over this is not her responsibility. I’m not sure how to feel after this resolves. 

[mylolita]

Hey Becxy! 
 

So sorry your best friend is going through something and making you worry - you know her more than anyone, but I don’t know, always trust your gut instinct, that first feeling is normally the true one. I would personally drive to her house. It sounds dramatic and maybe she doesn’t want to see you if there but at the end of the day, you need to know she is okay and when she feels better she will understand. She would do the same for you, I bet. 
 

I know others have said differently and I know how hard it is to travel with toddlers but maybe if you can get your Mum to take care of your girl then you are free to face whatever and help your friend if and when she really might need you.

 

Often it’s strange but, when we are in the most need sometimes that is the time we reach out the least? I know you say your girlfriend isn’t like this, maybe this just isn’t her and something stupid has happened or there is much ado about nothing but, better to be safe and make a fool of yourself right? It’s a loving, grand gesture. If she is annoyed, I am sure she will forgive you because you were overwhelmed with concern as, naturally, any friend would be.

 

Keep us updated! I hope you’re okay and your friend is well as I am sure she is please don’t panic but, go with your gut instinct. You know her better than anyone here Bex 

 

Lots of love,

x

[BecxyRex]

Thanks everyone for the great advice! I was able to reach my friends friend and she told me that she was worried as well and contacted her mom. Turns out my friend is going through a rough period emotionally and has cut off contact with everyone for the time being to heal. I’m glad she’s alive and she will reach out when she’s ready, I’m sure. Thank you again everyone! I was worried I was completely over the top. 

[j.man]

Was literally just typing my agreement with hitting up friends and family first.  Then you replied.  Glad you went through the appropriate channels and I'm glad that at least relatively speaking, she's doing well.  Don't kick yourself for being concerned.  You handled it perfectly.

[BecxyRex]

24 minutes ago, j.man said:

Was literally just typing my agreement with hitting up friends and family first.  Then you replied.  Glad you went through the appropriate channels and I'm glad that at least relatively speaking, she's doing well.  Don't kick yourself for being concerned.  You handled it perfectly.

Thank you!

[Seraphim]

I am so very glad she is ok. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, BecxyRex said:

Thanks everyone for the great advice! I was able to reach my friends friend and she told me that she was worried as well and contacted her mom. Turns out my friend is going through a rough period emotionally and has cut off contact with everyone for the time being to heal. I’m glad she’s alive and she will reach out when she’s ready, I’m sure. Thank you again everyone! I was worried I was completely over the top. 

Oh I'm so glad she's ok and sorry she's going through a rough time.  

[Cherylyn]

Yes, I've gone through this.  I was MIA from a very close friend for several months which was out of character considering we've been local, best friends ever since we were 9 years old. 

I apologized for not maintaining regular contact via text as we normally did.  I told her that there was a family crisis.  I met her at a park recently while remaining very distanced while sitting on our camping chairs.  I explained that my beloved FIL (father-in-law) had suddenly taken ill, was hospitalized for several months, everyone thought he was getting better yet he suddenly passed away.    Several days ago, she dropped off dinner on my doorstep and $200 condolence Visa gift cards.  I had done the same when her father passed away 2 years ago.  She and her husband will attend the funeral.  Family members from 6 states will fly in thousands of miles from all over the U.S. 

During other times,  whenever there was personal pain which I didn't wish to share with anyone, I shut down and wasn't in the mood for socializing.  I tend to be more social whenever life is idyllic and optimal and if it's not,  I prefer to live a quieter,  more private life.  That's just me and some people are similar to me.  Perhaps your friend prefers privacy when she's consumed with her troubles.  Not everyone has the brain space to reach out to others for moral support.  A lot of people do the opposite and prefer to be alone instead. 

I'm glad everything worked out for your friend.  She was correct.  Many times, people need space and lots of time in order to heal in their own way. 

[BecxyRex]

On 2/3/2022 at 5:00 PM, Cherylyn said:

Yes, I've gone through this.  I was MIA from a very close friend for several months which was out of character considering we've been local, best friends ever since we were 9 years old. 

I apologized for not maintaining regular contact via text as we normally did.  I told her that there was a family crisis.  I met her at a park recently while remaining very distanced while sitting on our camping chairs.  I explained that my beloved FIL (father-in-law) had suddenly taken ill, was hospitalized for several months, everyone thought he was getting better yet he suddenly passed away.    Several days ago, she dropped off dinner on my doorstep and $200 condolence Visa gift cards.  I had done the same when her father passed away 2 years ago.  She and her husband will attend the funeral.  Family members from 6 states will fly in thousands of miles from all over the U.S. 

During other times,  whenever there was personal pain which I didn't wish to share with anyone, I shut down and wasn't in the mood for socializing.  I tend to be more social whenever life is idyllic and optimal and if it's not,  I prefer to live a quieter,  more private life.  That's just me and some people are similar to me.  Perhaps your friend prefers privacy when she's consumed with her troubles.  Not everyone has the brain space to reach out to others for moral support.  A lot of people do the opposite and prefer to be alone instead. 

I'm glad everything worked out for your friend.  She was correct.  Many times, people need space and lots of time in order to heal in their own way. 

Thank you! I’m sorry your FIL passed 😞 

My friend and I have had a bit of contact again recently. I completely understand that she needs space and she knows I’m there for her, should she need me. Sometimes life happens and people have different levels of feeling overwhelmed. I’m just glad she’s physically ok! Thanks for taking the time to share your story.