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Should I Stay or Should I go?


airlee
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5 hours ago, airlee said:

So stop being negative and diverting my relationship issue to financial issue.  I'd get stress here with completely different issue.

You hand him 20K for a house that's not in your name and you're concerned about how he chops vegetables? 

He has you focused on utter nonsense. Talk to your CPA.

 Google "passive-aggressive" to understand his feigned incompetence and uncooperativeness.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Ugh it's so offensive to me as a woman - a strong, spunky, independent hardworking woman (and wife and mom and professional -and I know many many women just like me- don't you??) to describe passivity like this and an inability to distinguish sugar and coffee -and laziness -as .... feminine?  Describe it for what it is.  I wrote that above. 

Oh and guess what -many men are not able or do not want to lift heavy things.  Doesn't make them less of a man.  What's that about?

My husband has a tool box and so did his dad and he knows how to use them.  And he does.  Want to know what makes him a strong person (or masculine as you would put it) -when he called for help and convinced me to go to the ER when he believed (correctly) I was having stroke symptoms.  When he drops everything to take a phone call from a friend or family member or a coworker in need.  The way he used props when out son was a baby and had really messy diapers so that our son would be distracted while he changed his diaper.  The way he got teary along with me when we told a gathered group of our friends and family why we chose the name for our son. 

Do I think of him as masculine -I mean sure - but more importantly I think of him as a person of character and integrity who I respect and admire to the ends of the earth even when he annoys/irritates me.  Can you say the same?

Yes he should be a teammate -and to me it's about doing what you're best at/enjoy doing if possible and then the stuff you both hate you take turns.  He is used to you doing everything for him and he doesn't initiate -he shouldn't be "helping you" -he should be doing his own thing, doing his part, taking initiative.  

I see I understand what you mean now, sorry it took me a while to picked up what you meant. I do apologise. I didn’t mean his weakness as being feminine.  Yes, I know a lot of strong women and I would include myself, I am a single mother of one, raised daughter on my own since birth with no help from her dad, she's now 18,  lost 2 sons, I'm the bread winner of my family and my handicap brother with 7 children who’s mother left them years ago (that’s different story) and I have been helping and supporting every one of my own without any governmental help for 20 plus years whilst juggling a business and demanding job in financial services,  So yes I agree its not right to refer this as feminine.

 I was referring more of his strength. I recognised I used an incorrect word. I was referring him “feminine” from when he cries when our cat lashed out on him or when little hot oil burnt his skin or being so scared of cutting himself or complaints a lot when shopping bags are little heavy, silly things like that, I guess the word is not feminine, maybe emotional. Yes, you’re right. I am a woman, and I don’t react to those things myself

I also referred him feminine as he does move quite slow, very soft and gentle, but then I am not like that as a woman. So yes, it is insulting, and I understand what you mean in this context. I guess culture wise from where I am from originally, back in the day people would refer to men who’s physically not strong as “feminine”

But just to make it clear, I didn't  man as should be bulky strong, tough that if they can't lift or if they cry, they are less of a man. Don't get me wrong I do understand masculinity and what makes a man.  We are now in 21st century and traditional masculine ideals are long gone where society expects men to be dominant, strong, powerful, and good at suppressing feelings (other than anger). 

And of course, if you ask me if he's done things what a person of character would do with integrity, he's done quite a few yes and I am forever grateful to those. I was only referring the physicality and fact that he is indolent also plays apart.  

and would I say the same that I would respect him even if he annoys/irritates me. YES. But respect is earned, and I can only give as much. If your frustrations and wants are not being heard and acknowledge then you'd feel not valued, when the person stone wall you because you voiced your concerns and frustrations then you'll feel unwanted and when the person uses your anger as justification of their behaviour against you shows disrespect, in fact all these actions are disrespectful. So eventually you'll lose your respect.

Why I am struggling to decide where I know there is an issue and its not making me happy. I don’t know. I said I am strong but emotionally not so much, think we all are sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You hand him 20K for a house that's not in your name and you're concerned about how he chops vegetables? 

He has you focused on utter nonsense. Talk to your CPA.

 Google "passive-aggressive" to understand his feigned incompetence and uncooperativeness.

 

Yes It wasn't great idea to hand in £20k, but like what I said, the money is not my biggest concern at the moment, we have a legal agreement and he'll pay me back. I will be struggling if I move out, but like what I said, I won't go hungry or sleeping on streets. I am more concern of the emotional side of things. THAT I would need help. 

I am chartered accountant myself 

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35 minutes ago, airlee said:

I am more concern of the emotional side of things. THAT I would need help. 

Yes google "passive-aggressive behaviors". You notice that intentional inefficiency and many of his other antics are there. Stop doing stuff for him. It's that simple. 

As far as emotions, that's up to how long you want to be with someone who secretly gets off on frustrating you, because he is not going to change.

He will keep undermining you every step of the way in new forms like Whac-A-Mole. You'll never know why you're so extremely angry all the time because he'll smile in your face the entire time acting helpless as a puppy

When you cease mothering him, cease nagging him and feeding him stuff to resist you, you'll see what happens and at least feel better about being stuck in this house deal.  It will clear your mind to reflect and think about things without the everyday chaos he generates.

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3 hours ago, airlee said:

What made you said that? 

Because what issue does he have? He's happy as a clam having everything handed to him by you on a silver platter.  I don't think from what you've written you respect him.  You say respect is earned. Sure.  Ok.  But if you want to be in a healthful long term romantic relationship if that respect hasn't been "earned" after all this time there's little chance it's going to be.

I see you backpedaled on the feminine stereotypical/negativity  - your words and descriptions were quite strong and my sense is your boyfriend senses your contempt for him when he acts -as you previously called it - "feminine".  

You're afraid of being alone. Yes? It's not a reason to stay with someone.

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