Should I Stay or Should I go?

[airlee]

Hi Everyone, 

Hope all is okay and safe. I am back here again after couple of years.  I am so confused at the moment and I hope that you can all give me a little light and help with my relationship problems as it's really giving me so much stress and anxiety. I am very sorry it is quite long as I would like everyone to have understanding of my problems

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little under 2 years and since we have been together, honestly I can only remember few moments of laughter and harmonious life with him, lucky if we can survive full month without arguing over silly things. 

We do love each other though but we are very different. I am strong willed, outspoken, versatile and physically stronger than him, I am active, independent and Optimistic.  Emotionally though I won't say I am what I said above I must admit. I am also quite inquisitive and won't settle with "I don't know" response especially when bf is in charge of a task. 

My boyfriend on the other hand is very opposite. He's quite a feminine man. He's passive aggressive, very sensitive,  lazy, prefers to sit on couch all day and watch Netflix than go for a walk let alone exercise. Struggles to deal with basic stuff and quite inept. I am not being mean and exaggerated when I say he's inept but he really is. Just to give you an example. He struggled to identify which is sugar and which is coffee? and does not know how to beat an egg, fry egg, or even how to mix food in the pan when I am cooking. When things in the house needs screwing or assembling or when TV needs fixing,  it would be me that would be doing it. As well as lifting with heavy things etc. and I'm no weight lifter, I'm just an ordinary 10st 5'5 girl .  He is smart though and geeky and I love him for what he is. As much as I respect him and his capabilities it just exhausting sometimes that I cannot rely on him with anything and my is patience not always there.

Friends and family especially his side are quite aware of this, in fact they knew him longer than me and they would sometimes make funny comments or tease him whenever we get together.  Not insulting comments but just comments like they would directly tell me to let them know if I need tools to use. My boyfriend would laugh along or he would also tell his friends and fam that I am the handyman in the house. However, when it's just him and I at home, he's different, he's domineering and overbearing, he's very stubborn, he cannot take constructive criticism and would always think he's being attacked or even when no criticism involve, he would get very defensive and plays victim. I feel like my boyfriend is insecure of me as there was one time when he struggled to assembled our old dismantled bed frame, he cried and was feeling down and told me that he feels as if he couldn't do anything as he had to ask for my help and that I am better than him as I can do a lot of things. His best friend told him once long time ago that he does not know anything in life that caused their friendship to break. I have of course gave him positive advises and reminded him of things I couldn't do without him. This is just one of the many things he's done and said that I felt he was being insecure. 

I also notice that he would try to control me by making me listen to whatever he'll say which I have regardless of what it is, but in a while I noticed that its only one sided,  it seems he's not letting me have an opinion with anything and being me, I usually push to get my opinion, suggestion and comments across that would often lead to arguments. His reasoning is always "he can't have his way" which is same to my reasoning too and I feel like there's more of his than mine but he's not seeing that, whenever I get my way, that's because there was an argument first and he would be miserable and when there are any hurdles of my way he would blame me. 

We fight over silly little things because he cannot take criticism,  and I am not even being disrespectful of him, he would take it personally that it is an attack, he would get very defensive. I of course would react to his behaviour and  when  I get upset and angry because of how he reacted and made me feel like I'm the bad guy, my voice is raised, I am not calm. He however is a passive one, he would used my anger against me and plays victim. Then the silence treatment follows, followed by awkward small talk until it fizzled out and next thing you know we're okay again (for one or few days until there is another issue again) Whenever he's done something annoying again that I would call him out or he gets upset for whatever reasons just because he's very sensitive, he would act very cold, very rude, disrespectful, stonewalling and vindictive and he would bring up the issues that never got solve weeks/days previously so the current ones will never get discussed and my feelings of why I got upset of the current ones has been set aside. I then find myself justifying for the previous issues and we're back arguing again about the previous issues and the pattern is the same. However, whenever I would done something that I knew it upset him, i would recognised and apologised but this is not always the case as majority of times, he would not tell me I have upset him until days later. It's as if he is saving it as if it's his shield to use against me than discussing his wrongdoings.  

Until recently I had enough of this behaviour and to my anger, I called him out and told him how I truly felt. Told him hat I felt he was insecure of me that's why he would jump on every chance to control me but because he's got low self steam and that is weak and he acts like a woman (not being sexist, just referring to him struggles to cut vegetables as scared to cut his fingers, cries when cat attracts etc.) I know I shouldn't have said that and it was not nice but I did not recognize that mistake straight away. I was very angry as we had one of our arguments at that time and his usual behaviour whenever we argue is he would walk away and gone to room and shut the door. 

Next day, he was okay again like nothing happened, we went to central London and watched a play in the theatre, was all good. Until end of the day when we were on the way back home. 

Our train was at 10:50 and we arrived at the station at 10:44. The platform is right opposite of the gate, takes 2min normal walking. He however was panicking that we were going to missed our train, he was telling me to hurry up, told him he doesn't need to (and he's well aware it does not take time to get to the platform) but he was running and left me whilst keep checking on me indicating to hurry up. (at that time I felt he was again trying to call me) Train arrives, I  saw him jumped on the train and I also jumped on the train but to a different carriage 2 doors away from his, he looked at me and I made a gesture sign that I will go to his carriage. Turned out he didn't see me and I saw him jumped back out just before door closes and he was left behind. I was annoyed but found it funny. Problem was my phone was dead and I didn't have my house keys. I knew I would wait for him for 2 hrs to get home. As I couldn't wait for him for 2 hrs in the cold,  I went home, wrote a note that I will be waiting for him at a shop we both know as it was very cold to wait outside and told him to come see me there. Almost 3 hrs later he didn't turned up at the shop, I was worried his train might got delayed or something might have happened to him, didn't want to leave shop in case, we missed each other. I begged again the shop keeper for charger (as initially I was told they didn't have any) when I have spoken to him, he said he's at home, read my note and asked If I wanted picking up and said he didn't want to leave house in case I will be home. I got annoyed and he also got angry than apologizing and again brought up previous issue. He sarcastically apologised, so insincere, didn't even try to hide how fake apology it was but I accepted it to cut it off.

Next day back to stonewalling, aggressive manner, over acting and just constant disrespectful and again I reacted to his behaviour and there he was again bring up previous issues. This time he's very angry for I call him weak and like a woman which is understandable but instead of really telling me how he feels, it was constant "I am like this and that and I am an abuser" and was being rude and ill-mannered.  I have apologised and he said that I wasn't sincere,  I had enough and had to go away for few days, told him and I have to see family as step uncle passed away, he's maintain communication whilst I was away for few days (probably being sympathetic) When I came back,  immediately he was being the same, vindictive, disrespectful. I had to leave again and back at my family home, he never message me whilst I was away for 5 days and when I came back, it's like nothing happened. We are at the moment awkwardly talking casually and sleeping in different rooms. I don't know if its worth staying. Financially, I am struggling and we've just moved to a new house so the whole moving stress is not gone yet. Please advice, I am very sorry again it is long but really appreciate your help

Just to add up and worth knowing my bf not showy of his emotions and lack of knowledge of showing affections, although he would try.  My boyfriend was 33 when we got together and I am his first ever gf and first to be in bed, so our bedroom too is not quite great as he is very shy to initiate to get intimate. 

[boltnrun]

If you weren't struggling financially would you stay with him?

[WildPump]

Many questions  are to be asked, do you still love him? Or how long can you take it? is he ready to work on his behaviour? I think this is a time for serious talk. I hope things work out between you guys otherwise you know what to do.

[LootieTootie]

After writing this essay, let it be clear why you should go.

[MissCanuck]

I see zero reason to stay in this relationship, OP. 

But I also sincerely wonder if he has some developmental issues. It is highly unusual for an adult to be unable to distinguish coffee from sugar, not to know what to do when a pan of food needs stirring, or being afraid of cutting vegetables. Yes, some might say he is inept, but I would also not rule out some much deeper issues that have perhaps never been properly identified and addressed by a professional. 

In any event, it is not your responsibility to raise a grown man or accept his rude behaviour. You know what to do. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, airlee said:

Financially, I am struggling and we've just moved to a new house .

How long have you lived together? Whose place is it? Do you co-own or co-lease?  

You seem incredibly hateful and contemptuous of him. Move out.

Get a second job, budget your fincences better and look for affordable housing for yourself.

 

[airlee]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you lived together? Whose place is it? Do you co-own or co-lease?  

You seem incredibly hateful and contemptuous of him. Move out.

Get a second job, budget your fincences better and look for affordable housing for yourself.

 

 

Been living just less than 2 years. We've moved in together in just 3mos of the relationship, seems quite common during pandemic. We've moved to a new house just less than 2mos ago. It's his name, 50% of deposit is my money. I know it's early and crazy to do that but was in-love you see? If you ask why it's his name? There is another reason. and yes I spent 20K and I should ask that back so i can start my life my own but that's another issue that will create more tension not just in our relationship but us as individuals which I am avoiding to happen. We had an agreement and I am happy to stick to it. 

I don't think I am being hateful, that's not fair for you to say as you have no idea what I have been through. My essay may come up as hateful in your understanding but I have tried to lay-out here what he's like so readers will have an understanding that I am not exaggerating and not being bias. I myself have flaws, I made mistakes. I am trying to explain here of what I think he's like as a person, reason to why we have issues and that's why I am here. He's got good qualities that I of course love, that's how we got together in the first place, but his good side is not what's troubling us so as my good side and that is not the reason why I am here. 

Yes, I am aware that moving out is an easier option but reason why I am on this thread is to gather more information that will help me with my decision BEFORE i do that.

I would like to have constructive feedback that is useful and helpful rather than negative. 

Thank you for taking time to read my long essay 🙂

[airlee]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I see zero reason to stay in this relationship, OP. 

But I also sincerely wonder if he has some developmental issues. It is highly unusual for an adult to be unable to distinguish coffee from sugar, not to know what to do when a pan of food needs stirring, or being afraid of cutting vegetables. Yes, some might say he is inept, but I would also not rule out some much deeper issues that have perhaps never been properly identified and addressed by a professional. 

In any event, it is not your responsibility to raise a grown man or accept his rude behaviour. You know what to do. 

 

Yeah I did wonder that too and we talked about it at early stage of relationship, and he said nope he's not autistic but then I guessed he hadn't got it checked. 

Do you think he have controlling behaviour or manipulative based on how I describe him and on this essay? I am just wondering as I could be wrong but it's how I feel and think

[airlee]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you weren't struggling financially would you stay with him?

I don't know. As much I would love to be on my own in my own place, it's sad to think that we won't be with each other anymore. I know everyone has experience this sadness when relationship ends, but I am anxious to experience it again as I have no one to talk to and home working also does not help. So I guess I am being a coward 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, airlee said:

why it's his name? There is another reason. and yes I spent 20K

Way too much way too soon. Yes either your name needs to be on the deed or you need to get your money back.

[airlee]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much way too soon. Yes either your name needs to be on the deed or you need to get your money back.

That is not my concern at the moment , we had an agreement and I am aware my name should be there. I am not in two minds wether to stay or go because I will not have a roof above my head when i move out. Yes i am struggling financially but not the end of the world. 

[Rose Mosse]

You are aware there are issues in the relationship and you dislike or are resentful of certain behaviours coming from him. The logical reasoning is to leave.

Do not stay with someone out of comfort when you are so uneasy, resentful and cannot respect him. 

Yes, break ups are sad and very difficult but never stay like this trapping yourself and another person in misery. If he can’t do it then you end it. Going around in circles for long periods won’t help. You already know it’s over. It was over a long time ago the moment you lost respect for him for various issues.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, airlee said:

I will not have a roof above my head when i move out.

Put your name on the deed. Then you'll solve both problems of financial struggle and having a roof.

Why would you agree to  invest 20K in a house that does not legally belong to you? This means you are a guest in a house you partially paid for and he can throw you out at any time.

You need to speak to the police or an attorney about this scam. All you have to do to make it right is get your name on the deed. If he refuses, go to the police.

 You're going on and on about how big and strong and handy you are, what a lazy, incompetent schmuck he is, etc. but the real problem is getting scammed out of 20K.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, airlee said:

He's quite a feminine man. He's passive aggressive, very sensitive,  lazy, prefers to sit on couch all day and watch Netflix than go for a walk let alone exercise. Struggles to deal with basic stuff and quite inept. I am not being mean and exaggerated when I say he's inept but he really is. Just to give you an example. He struggled to identify which is sugar and which is coffee? and does not know how to beat an egg, fry egg, or even how to mix food in the pan when I am cooking. When things in the house needs screwing or assembling or when TV needs fixing,  it would be me that would be doing it. As well as lifting with heavy things etc. and I'm no weight lifter, I'm just an ordinary 10st 5'5 girl .  He is smart though and geeky and I love him for what he is. As much as I respect him and his capabilities it just exhausting sometimes that I cannot rely on him with anything and my is patience not always there.

Really? These traits are "feminine" - you could have fooled me.  I guess you don't know people who happen to be women who are strong, confident, assert themselves appropriately, get things done and are ambitious, hard working, etc.  When I need to lift heavy things I outsource it if my husband cannot do it -I wouldn't want him to hurt his back of course.  But he makes the call or I do -we're a team.  You're labeling him as geeky and you claim to love him -that's not love - it's not love when you don't respect or admire the person and you label a man as "feminine" for being passive??? 

No you cannot rely on him because he is a person who chooses to be passive. He is a person who chooses not to adult.  He is a person who chooses not to take care of his stuff and help as a teammate in a serious relationship.  Do you somehow like the power you have over him -like being in control and taking potshots at him?  He might be right on paper for someone else but not for you. So let him go and find someone or be on his own. It's better than being in a situation where even if he did step up to the plate he'd be with a partner who was waiting for the other shoe to drop -that's what people who jump to labeling their partner in these negative ways typically do.  Why should he change? 

Please do let him go and find a man you consider masculine- you're entitled in your personal relationships to label and just know that if you have a penchant to do that your masculine man might do the same to you and want you to be "feminine" -meaning passive, submissive, sitting on the couch and being content to be like a little lap dog.  It goes both ways.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, airlee said:

I don't know. As much I would love to be on my own in my own place, it's sad to think that we won't be with each other anymore. I know everyone has experience this sadness when relationship ends, but I am anxious to experience it again as I have no one to talk to and home working also does not help. So I guess I am being a coward 

Hire a lawyer or professional to help you with the financial end.  You are making choices that are coward-like -but as you said that's "feminine" -yes? Do what it takes- small steps at a time -to extricate yourself as best you can.  Good luck.

[airlee]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Put your name on the deed. Then you'll solve both problems of financial struggle and having a roof.

Why would you agree to  invest 20K in a house that does not legally belong to you? This means you are a guest in a house you partially paid for and he can throw you out at any time.

You need to speak to the police or an attorney about this scam. All you have to do to make it right is get your name on the deed. If he refuses, go to the police.

 You're going on and on about how big and strong and handy you are, what a lazy, incompetent schmuck he is, etc. but the real problem is getting scammed out of 20K.

 

I don't think you understand, maybe try copying the whole sentence.  I said " I am not in two minds wether to stay or go just because I will not have a roof above my head when i move out" 

YES. I will be struggling but i wont go hungry or sleeping on streets, I have a place to go if its really come down to moving out. 

My point is in case my essay wasn't clear. IS IT WORTH MOVING OUT? ARE WE ABLE TO FIND SOLUTION WITH OUR ISSUES? 

This is not why I am here for so stop referring to a different issue. And like what I said we had an agreement and thank you for teaching me how to recover my money. We had an agreement! A legal agreement and I don't need to tell you that here. 

 he is not scamming me thank you very much, I am well aware of where I am putting my money into,  I am well aware of the risk that I put my money without my name of the deed. I am not an idiot if you think I am. So stop being negative and diverting my relationship issue to financial issue. 

Jesus, I didn't realised, I'd get stress here with completely different issue. 

 

[airlee]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Really? These traits are "feminine" - you could have fooled me.  I guess you don't know people who happen to be women who are strong, confident, assert themselves appropriately, get things done and are ambitious, hard working, etc.  When I need to lift heavy things I outsource it if my husband cannot do it -I wouldn't want him to hurt his back of course.  But he makes the call or I do -we're a team.  You're labeling him as geeky and you claim to love him -that's not love - it's not love when you don't respect or admire the person and you label a man as "feminine" for being passive??? 

No you cannot rely on him because he is a person who chooses to be passive. He is a person who chooses not to adult.  He is a person who chooses not to take care of his stuff and help as a teammate in a serious relationship.  Do you somehow like the power you have over him -like being in control and taking potshots at him?  He might be right on paper for someone else but not for you. So let him go and find someone or be on his own. It's better than being in a situation where even if he did step up to the plate he'd be with a partner who was waiting for the other shoe to drop -that's what people who jump to labeling their partner in these negative ways typically do.  Why should he change? 

Please do let him go and find a man you consider masculine- you're entitled in your personal relationships to label and just know that if you have a penchant to do that your masculine man might do the same to you and want you to be "feminine" -meaning passive, submissive, sitting on the couch and being content to be like a little lap dog.  It goes both ways.

I really  I don't know how to describe his behaviour though? Like genuinely, what else I can describe some of his behaviour but feminine? I am not sure if you've read the whole essay (I know its very long so sorry) but I have described there why I call him feminine. Of course, I would always try and ask for his help first with anything but he's just not able to help me and I often gets really frustrated. He's unable to participate like a team mate and he won't even try? 

Of course, I would love him to get a screw driver and screw what needs screwing or at least attempt when I ask him to,  or offer to carry something when I ask him to carry something. Sometimes he would try carry but give up immediately and get Uber straight away (few bags of shopping for example) at home, he would say he couldn't do it.  In the early days, I would laugh about it and it became our joke. But after a while, its exhausting and I can't help myself to get upset as its frustrating but then he would get angry too?  I would love to experience sometimes that my man is busy doing some DIY so i didn't have to do it all the time, would love for him to at least make dinner every once in a while or every evening if he can. Would love him to at least attempt to make me a cup of tea or coffee even if he doesn't drink those. At least would help me cut vegetables when I am cooking. I always ask him of course when I need help but its often getting into intense situation as i.e he would try help me cut veggies but takes him forever as he is scared to cut his fingers and I would get frustrated as I have taught him a few times how to cut safely. 

When I ask him to keep an eye of my cooking, he wouldn't do anything when its burning or over flowing, instead he would call me to tell me what's happening than taking initiative to stop it from burning/overflowing. Silly things like this sometimes just frustrating, I used to laugh about it but overtime its upsetting. 

and there's other things, washing, cleaning, taking rubbish out etc. 

I just want sometimes needs his help without getting into an argument when I need one. and when we get into an argument, I just want us to talk the issue than posting who's who 

He is not breaking up with me either but is stonewalling me, so i guess the decision would be coming from me. 

 

 

[smackie9]

Stonewalling is just one of the many things that has taken place in your relationship that is a signal that the relationship is to fail. 

[Wiseman2]

Do your own cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc. Stop doing everything for him. Let him cook his own food, shop for his own groceries, do his own laundry clean HIS house and allow it to fall in disrepair because you are not an owner and not responsible. 

Basically you want someone completely different from who he is and just want to rant on about what a jerk he is.

He's passive-aggressive therefore hopes you give up and just do it yourself. Which is exactly what you're doing. Stop mothering him.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, airlee said:

My point is in case my essay wasn't clear. IS IT WORTH MOVING OUT? ARE WE ABLE TO FIND SOLUTION WITH OUR ISSUES? 

It's your issue.  I don't think so because you don't respect or admire him.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, airlee said:

I really  I don't know how to describe his behaviour though? Like genuinely, what else I can describe some of his behaviour but feminine? I

Ugh it's so offensive to me as a woman - a strong, spunky, independent hardworking woman (and wife and mom and professional -and I know many many women just like me- don't you??) to describe passivity like this and an inability to distinguish sugar and coffee -and laziness -as .... feminine?  Describe it for what it is.  I wrote that above. 

Oh and guess what -many men are not able or do not want to lift heavy things.  Doesn't make them less of a man.  What's that about?

My husband has a tool box and so did his dad and he knows how to use them.  And he does.  Want to know what makes him a strong person (or masculine as you would put it) -when he called for help and convinced me to go to the ER when he believed (correctly) I was having stroke symptoms.  When he drops everything to take a phone call from a friend or family member or a coworker in need.  The way he used props when out son was a baby and had really messy diapers so that our son would be distracted while he changed his diaper.  The way he got teary along with me when we told a gathered group of our friends and family why we chose the name for our son. 

Do I think of him as masculine -I mean sure - but more importantly I think of him as a person of character and integrity who I respect and admire to the ends of the earth even when he annoys/irritates me.  Can you say the same?

Yes he should be a teammate -and to me it's about doing what you're best at/enjoy doing if possible and then the stuff you both hate you take turns.  He is used to you doing everything for him and he doesn't initiate -he shouldn't be "helping you" -he should be doing his own thing, doing his part, taking initiative.  

[SooSad33]

I'm sorry but this whole relationship is dysfunctional 😕 

YOU are stressed and uncomfortable around him ( walking on eggshells), which is no way is okay...

Can I ask why you two are now living together, being involved less than 2 years?

It's not going to get any better, he's a struggling man, who's got some deep issue's going on.. You can see this much.

I'd consider moving back home or in with a friend?  But is time to get away from this guy.  things will continue to add up on you, in a negative way.

 

 

[Coily]

What was his living condition before the relationship?

It's very obvious from the essay, and follow ups, that this namby-pamby BF is causing more stress and anxiety than you should have to deal with.  He is grating on your nerves and not adding value to your life, the opposite of any romantic interest.

From the outside he is looking to be coddled and lacks many basic responsibilities than functional humans possess. Unfortunately you fell for the trap with rose colored glasses; and uncomfortably you need to start his journey to being a man, and the only way is to end the relationship.

 

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, airlee said:

We've moved in together in just 3mos of the relationship, seems quite common during pandemic.

Here is the root of your issues. You two moved in during the "honeymoon period", when everything is wonderful and fresh and new, when you can't get enough of one another. That is not reality, as you've found. It wasn't necessary to live together just because there's a pandemic. There are safe ways to see one another without forcing a living together situation way too soon.

So, all you can do is sit down with him calmly and discuss your concerns. Don't call him "feminine", don't call him a "woman". No insults or name calling. Just calmly explain what concerns and upsets you. Then give him a chance to respond WITHOUT interrupting or trying to "explain" your side until he finishes. Then see if you two can come to some kind of agreement over who handles what.

And be very careful not to use the word "should" (as in, "a man SHOULD be able to lift heavy things!!") That is not helpful.

[DancingFool]

Short answer is go and go immediately.

Longer answer is.... this is a relationship that should teach you a really hard lesson in what you never ever want in a relationship and things you should never ever put up with ever again. Never.

Things like him pretending that he doesn't know the difference between sugar and coffee.... He is not that stupid. It's called weaponized incompetence. Look it up. He is pretending to be stupid and incompetent so that you get frustrated and end up taking care of this for him. That way he doesn't have to and it's confusing for you because he is not being adversarial, just dumb. It's a psychological game and a trap. One you've been falling into head first. 

Add to it everything else you've mentioned - controlling, vindictive, can't take criticism, will not hear you, or your side, or feelings, etc., etc., etc. Each one of these is a reason to leave a relationship. Cumulatively, you should be running like your hair is on fire. He is toxic and no, you can't fix that. You need to learn when to step away and get away. End this yesterday.

Also, once you get away from him, I hope that you do take some time out to clear your head so that you start wrapping hour mind around just how toxic of a person he is. Mostly so that you learn to pay attention to the toxic behaviors and walk away long before any relationship gets this far along. You need to become more aware and more vigilant and less willing to invest in toxic men.