Work on or move on after we both cheat?

[Lifeisconfusing00]

This will be long and I apologize. 
 

My husband and I have been together 11 years and we have 3 kids (13,8,7). In 2018, he had an an affair for several months, and I found out from the girl’s fiancé who looked me up to inform me what was going on behind my back too. I have never been so betrayed or heartbroken in my entire life. I was shocked and blindsided. So then my husband moved an hour away to be near the girl and got his own apartment. I filed for divorce and we separated for 7 months. Well, right around Christmas of that year he started trying to get together more often with the kids and then he moved back into our house very beginning of 2019. We moved forward like nothing happened, even though this situation was super traumatic to me. 
 

So fast forward to New Years of this year. We go to Nashville and I get drunk and decide to ditch my own husband and go make other friends. I end up meeting a guy there and go home with him. Amazing night, I felt seen, admired, wanted, etc. I left and went back to my husband at the hotel and at the point, I did not tell him the truth of what really happened. Two nights later, I ditched my husband again. A guy and girl helped me leave him that night after they noticed he was being really controlling and the girl grabbed my hand and escorted me out away from him. After I got away, I called the guy I stayed with from the first night and he came and picked me up. Another amazing night. 
 

So anyways, the next day we drive back home, alternating between interrogation and silence. Things were extremely weird at home and I told him basically I didn’t want to hurt him but I felt like I was just here because of the kids. He leaves for a week and stays at a friends house and he also consults a lawyer about a divorce. 
 

Last Friday, he says he will come to the house and stay with the kids and I can leave.. so I drive back to Tennessee to meet the guy I met in Nashville. We have an incredible evening together and I drive back home the next day and my husband goes thru my car and finds a parking ticket and goes insane. Tells me to get out of his house (even though it’s ours) and throws all my clothes and stuff in the back of my car. I leave and stay with my parents for the night and the next day I go back home to discuss things with my husband. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, and that he loved me, and that we should go to counseling. He’s been extra super nice, leaving little notes, buying me flowers, etc etc, but I feel like I am betraying him, as well as myself. All I want to do is see Nashville guy again, and I’m constantly thinking about him. 
 

So now I’m at the crossroads of do I stay and work on this marriage where we have both cheated on each other now, or I just move the hell on and live my life the way I want to? 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Lifeisconfusing00 said:

He leaves for a week and stays at a friends house and he also consults a lawyer about a divorce. 

Sorry this happened but unfortunately neither of you recovered from the betrayals. Revenge cheating is quite common.

Neither of you need to leave the house. However you do need to  consult an attorney because even with therapy, he has an attorney on speed dial now.

[Batya33]

I think you're referring to "work on marriage" as a throwaway line because clearly your heart is not in it - so I'm not even sure what "work" you were considering.  What specific thing would you do today to "work" on your marriage? Also is the 13 year old yours- not sure how you can be together 11 years and have a 13 year old.

Also what kind of work would this be if you're thinking about having intercourse with a man you met recently?  So you're going to take actions to work on your marriage but yet undo whatever "work" that is while scheming as to when you're going to see your sex partner again? I mean sure I am eating less sugar right now to take care of me and yes I still crave more chocolate than I am letting myself eat but my heart is all in on taking better care of myself so I choose not to indulge. 

Your heart is not in this marriage and you've shown through your actions you don't respect him or your commitment to him so how is this work going to happen -especially since you never mentioned how you're going to work on strengthening your commitment and love for him? 

I take actions to improve my marriage -which is solid and happy -regularly if not every day.  I don't call it "work on my marriage" -I call it - being a healthy partner, feeling inspired to do better and acting on that inspiration.  I'm really aware of these specific steps because they take effort.  You're mostly aware of wanting to have sex with this other guy.  So yes do what you want as long as you do do the work on co-parenting the children -and put them first.  IMHO

[boltnrun]

Are you willing to never see Nashville guy again?

[Lifeisconfusing00]

The oldest is technically mine from my first (very young) marriage but he’s basically raised her since she was like 3. 
 

We weren’t planning on even working on anything until he found out where I went Friday and he flipped out. And now he wants to go to couples counseling. I already go to individual therapy. Everything you said is probably true. I’m just a mess of a person right now ugh 

[DancingFool]

Time for you to admit that your marriage ended when you found out your husband was cheating on you. You should have filed for divorce back then.

What's happening now is just a toxic mess and now you are the one who is the bad guy. You should not have let your husband crawl back to you and you need to stop cheating and sleeping around for strategic reasons - namely divorce.

Don't do the whole staying for the kids bs because there is literally nothing more damaging to the children than two parents who absolutely hate each other, who are actively cheating on each other and who are otherwise being dishonest and leading dishonest lives. Not exactly an example for the kids or healthy.

As for the side piece in Nashville - get real. A man who will help you cheat is not a man you want to be with no matter how great the sex is. He is not relationship material. Get rid of him. Get your head screwed on straight. Start interviewing divorce lawyers and get your post divorce life together. Only after all that is settled, then maybe think about dating again. 

As for your hubby suddenly seeing the light and wanting to make up......funny timing on that...right after he talked to a divorce lawyer. Read that as he just found out how much that will cost him.

Bottom line, get away from each other, get a divorce and be fair to your kids in that way. Be happy and eventually maybe you can show them what a healthy relationship looks like. What you and your husband are doing now is not it.

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

As for your hubby suddenly seeing the light and wanting to make up......funny timing on that...right after he talked to a divorce lawyer. Read that as he just found out how much that will cost him.

Yep, the attorney told him it's "cheaper to keep her".

Are you willing to give up Nashville Guy permanently? Never see or communicate with him again?

[Batya33]

I don't think you're a mess of a person. I think you're a person who has made some bad choices.  I'd focus on making better choices that have to do with acting in the best interests of your children.

[Rose Mosse]

Sleeping with someone else in this chaos is making things worse.

I think you already know the Nashville man has nothing to do with your future or happiness. He’s just a person in the middle you can lean on but he’s not forever, just for tonight.

Do what’s best for yourself and your kids. They’ve already been exposed to their father’s absence for long periods,  your absence in the days you’ve left and the discord, anger, bitterness and resentment at home.

If you need help seek a lawyer privately and find tangible answers to any questions you have about separation and divorce. Don’t throw the idea around loosely either and make threats of leaving or manipulate your husband. Make up your mind and stick with it. I hope you’re able to find peace in that decision, regardless of what it may be. 

 

[WildPump]

Do you really want to things more ugly between you guys? I don't seem to understand what you will gain now. Your post clearly says you don't love each other anymore. Ending it would be good for both of guys.

[redswim30]

Why are you still married if you SO clearly don't want to be?

There is nothing to work on here.  Nothing.  Get divorced. 

Your husband is a piece of work.  He cheats- never apologies, never takes ownership, never gives you the opportunity to "earn back trust" and expects you to pretend it never happened. 

Then HE sees a parking ticket and goes ballistic?  You know he's already been to see a lawyer a couple times, maybe more. 

Please get a lawyer of your own and prepare to pull the plug on this mess. 

You feel like you are betraying him and yourself, because you are.  You already know you don't want this, so why are you still there? 

Also, please don't buy all the garbage your husband is giving you.  Notes, flowers, and little niceties don't make up for what he's done.  

You can't and don't really want to "work" on anything with one foot firmly out the door. 

You both need to give up the ghost and face the inevitable. 

Once that's done, you can see is Nashville guy is still there to help you sweep up the pieces.  Though I doubt it. 

[Lambert]

You never really addressed his cheating.  He came back and you let it go.  So I think you have to go all the way back to that in order to really heal anything. 

But I think you need to heal yourself.  Getting drunk and going off with other people is a really dangerous coping mechanism.

Your hubs really hurt you but you can't count on him or anyone else to make you feel better.  You have to support yourself emotionally.  That's what loving yourself is all about.  Being strong enough to not tolerate anyone cheating on you,  abusing you verbally etc. You get yourself away from bad people that disrespect you. 

I personally would not stay in this relationship.  Too much has happened. Ask yourself- is there any respect between you?  His little leaving, coming back, being nice game is all just manipulation. He's being nice now because he doesn't want to lose you? 

Is that really true or is it just easier and cheaper to stay in the relationship and then do what he really wants behind your back? That's probably more likely

It is hard to leave a relationship and it does take strength to strike out on your own and uproot your life.  But this your life.  Do you really think a marriage where you regularly abuse each other is good enough for you? 

Therapy is not a magic wand.  it's actually hard and you have to face reality to really fix anything. 

Your best bet is to leave him and go to therapy for YOU.

 

[lostandhurt]

Yes I do think you BOTH need to attend counseling but not to fix this train wreck of a marriage.  You both need to talk to someone on how to be the best parents you can be as divorced adults.

  As I see it the children were not considered at all when either of you were having sex with other people and they are the real victims in all this don't you think?

  The Nashville guy is just some dude that is willing to bang some woman that is angry and seeking revenge but he is not the guy that wants a relationship with that woman.  Turn your attention away from him and back towards your children and ending a marriage that you do not want to save.

  After the divorce is over and you have your life straightened out and the kids are settled and doing well then you can begin to think about dating.

  Lost

[SherrySher]

22 hours ago, Lifeisconfusing00 said:

This will be long and I apologize. 
 

My husband and I have been together 11 years and we have 3 kids (13,8,7). In 2018, he had an an affair for several months, and I found out from the girl’s fiancé who looked me up to inform me what was going on behind my back too. I have never been so betrayed or heartbroken in my entire life. I was shocked and blindsided. So then my husband moved an hour away to be near the girl and got his own apartment. I filed for divorce and we separated for 7 months. Well, right around Christmas of that year he started trying to get together more often with the kids and then he moved back into our house very beginning of 2019. We moved forward like nothing happened, even though this situation was super traumatic to me. 
 

So fast forward to New Years of this year. We go to Nashville and I get drunk and decide to ditch my own husband and go make other friends. I end up meeting a guy there and go home with him. Amazing night, I felt seen, admired, wanted, etc. I left and went back to my husband at the hotel and at the point, I did not tell him the truth of what really happened. Two nights later, I ditched my husband again. A guy and girl helped me leave him that night after they noticed he was being really controlling and the girl grabbed my hand and escorted me out away from him. After I got away, I called the guy I stayed with from the first night and he came and picked me up. Another amazing night. 
 

So anyways, the next day we drive back home, alternating between interrogation and silence. Things were extremely weird at home and I told him basically I didn’t want to hurt him but I felt like I was just here because of the kids. He leaves for a week and stays at a friends house and he also consults a lawyer about a divorce. 
 

Last Friday, he says he will come to the house and stay with the kids and I can leave.. so I drive back to Tennessee to meet the guy I met in Nashville. We have an incredible evening together and I drive back home the next day and my husband goes thru my car and finds a parking ticket and goes insane. Tells me to get out of his house (even though it’s ours) and throws all my clothes and stuff in the back of my car. I leave and stay with my parents for the night and the next day I go back home to discuss things with my husband. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, and that he loved me, and that we should go to counseling. He’s been extra super nice, leaving little notes, buying me flowers, etc etc, but I feel like I am betraying him, as well as myself. All I want to do is see Nashville guy again, and I’m constantly thinking about him. 
 

So now I’m at the crossroads of do I stay and work on this marriage where we have both cheated on each other now, or I just move the hell on and live my life the way I want to? 

It's over....it was over when he decided to go and meet the other woman, and further cemented in it being over when you decided to go meet another man.

You are both holding onto old memories and old feelings but the foundation to which your marriage was once on, is completely gone.

It's time to move forward with the divorce. 

Be honest with your husband as well.

Tell him that with his cheating and you wanting to still go meet this other man, the marriage is no longer salvageable.

No point in not being honest at this point.

[SherrySher]

21 hours ago, DancingFool said:

As for the side piece in Nashville - get real. A man who will help you cheat is not a man you want to be with no matter how great the sex is. He is not relationship material. Get rid of him. Get your head screwed on straight. Start interviewing divorce lawyers and get your post divorce life together. Only after all that is settled, then maybe think about dating again. 

As for your hubby suddenly seeing the light and wanting to make up......funny timing on that...right after he talked to a divorce lawyer. Read that as he just found out how much that will cost him.

Absolutely on both parts!!!

If the Nashville man knew you were married, he is toxic and nothing to be looking forward to.

He's not worthwhile going back to either.

Your husband like DF said, doesn't want to pay the fees, or he is just having his ego hurt, or both.

But it's not about love.

This marriage is done.

[adviceplease2]

Its over.  You already know it.

[catfeeder]

Finish old business before pursuing the new, and you will thank yourself for your better judgment later.

[HeartGoesOn]

After that much damage has been done, it's time to call it a day.   (IMO)

[BecxyRex]

I haven’t read everyone’s response yet, so I’m sure you’ve already gotten incredible advice. I think infidelity has many layers, and depending on the situation I believe a marriage can overcome and even flourish afterwards. However, I think the first mistake you guys made is to not address your husbands affair when he moved back in after separation. You should have gone to counseling right then and there to address your feelings of hurt and betrayal and learn to trust him again. It seems your resentment is so deep at this point that a relationship is not salvageable. I think at this point it’s better to call it quits.